Love Triangle?

[JoeAngel71]

I am a 34 year old single male. Throughout my adult life I have been involved in three serious, long term relationships....the last one lasting 4 years and ending in 2002.

That last relationship ended because she was being unfaithful, and had been having an affair with my own brother for over a year. That was a very painful time for me, so I have dedicated the past three years to Jesus Christ and to finding myself again.

Last December I was blessed with a great new job at a Christian University about 200 miles north of my hometown. This new job has been a real blessing for my life. Here I met Renee, one of my co-workers. Renee is 33, a mother of two boys (ages 12 & 10), and a wonderful woman of God. She is a widow, and hasn't dated anybody since her husband passed away 5 years ago.

Over the last 9 months, Renee and I have become very good friends. I really like her as a woman, and I know she likes me as a man -- but we have been hesitant to actually start dating because her children are extremely jealous of her, and I am having a hard time making that commitment to all of the sudden become a "family man".

She has told me that she does not want to play games, and that whomever she dates next will have to make a serious commitment to her and her kids. I think that's more than fair, so I have been slowly trying to become a friend to her kids, which has been extremely difficult because they are so unwilling to open themselves to me.

As I struggled with taking a more serious step with Renee, a month ago somebody new came into our lives. Her name is Maggie, a 25 year old girl who is now working in our office.

Maggie and I go way back, because I went to High School with her sister back home. I met Maggie when she was only 10 and I was 19, although I had not seen her in over 10 years.

The fact that Maggie also moved up here from our small hometown, and out of the blue ended up working in my office, has led us to become really close over the past few weeks, which has created some friction/jealousy in my friendship/relationship with Renee.

Even though there's a 9 year age difference between us, Maggie and I have a lot of things in common, and we really like each other. And that's where my problem comes in. I am now torn between two amazing women of God.

Maggie and I have been spending a lot of time together going to dinner, movies, church activities, etc....and even though we always invite Renee to come with us, because of her kids she is not always able to.

Yesterday I walked Renee to her car after work. I asked her if she wanted to come with Maggie and I to an outdoors festival this weekend, and she said "NO". She then proceeded to tell me that I have to make up my mind, and not to call her until I make a decision.

I didn't ask her what she meant because I knew exactly what she meant. Since Maggie got here, Renee feels like the third wheel, and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Even though Renee and I have never actually professed anything for each other, I guess it was easily understood between us where our friendship was headed.

Dating Renee might feel like the right thing to do, but now I'm afraid I'm starting to fall in love with Maggie. She is more my type. We share the same interests and we have a lot of fun together.

I also have a lot of things in common with Renee, but in a lot of areas we are not on the same level. Even though I am a year older than her, she is much more mature than me, maybe because of everything she has gone through in life.

If I start dating Maggie, I'm afraid Renee will leave her job, and I will feel guilty for a long time. And if I start dating Renee, I may not be true to my inner feelings. And if I ignore both of them, I feel like I will be torturing myself, considering we all work in the same office, and this is a once in a lifetime type job, so I really don't want to leave either.

I have been alone for a long time, and now that I feel ready to start a relationship, I can't decide between two of the most incredible women I have met in my life. I have prayed about this a lot, especially since the day Maggie walked into that office and my heart skipped a beat, but I am getting no straight answer from up above.

Any thoughts? Recommendations? I'm sure somebody out there must have gone through something similar at some point in their life. I just never though I'd go through it at 34.

Thank you for allowing me to vent here, and God Bless!

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Wow.....umm......I haven't gone through anything similar so I really can't relate. I'm sorry. All I can really say is that I'm praying for you and these women.

 

[Q-La]

Have faith that God will be with you no matter what choice you make, coz He wants us to be happy and free to choose a partner before marital commitment. You got to love yourself, love your freedom to choose. You may not know where you will end up no matter who you choose to be with but you can only ensure that you choose according to your knowledge of yourself. It's not wrong to follow your heart and feelings in these matter and it's commendable to 'take care of widows'. If you do damage to yourself in a life long decision how will you be able to bring happiness to your spouse? God bless you and the women!

 

[lozzie]

Not that i can say i have been in your situation befor, nor feel qualified to giove advice, I guess thequestion you've got to ask yourself is do you see yourself with either of them in ten years time? if so, who?

having had a major argument with my sister yesterday about something that was blown way out of proportion, let me remind you we need to tread lightly when it concerns people who care for. Seems to me that you care for both of these women. Just dont rush into anything too hasily because if Renee has given you that ultimatum and you keep on the way you are before you make up your mind then you decide renee is the one you might loose both of them, etc etc...

Don't "settle" for someone because you are sick of being alone and are reading for that relationship now. just make sure that the person you see, you see them for the right reasons.

-Glod bless and I hope you sort everything out mate!

 

[bliz]

Fisrt, start looking for another job at anyplace else but the university. No matter what you decide or what happens, it is going to be awkward and uncomfortable for many people, not just the three of you, and the last person who should have to find a new job is Renee - she has been there the longest and is the sole support of her family.

Second, realize and confess to God and to both women that this is a mess of your making. No matter that you and Renee had not been "dating" you had a relationship with her and together you were evaluating if you were all going to become a family. That's a very serious relationship. You had no business dating any other woman while you were still in a relationship with Renee. Things should have been over and done with Renee before you got to know Maggie again as anything other than a co-worker.

Third - pray. Fast. Study the Bible. Ask anyone you know to pray, even if you don't tell them what it's about.

Fourth - Get some professional counseling. Why did you let this become such a mess? How could you have been so uncaring about about both women to allow this to happen? You need to figure out what all that was about.

 

[InTheFlame]

I pretty much agree with Bliz, although having gotten myself in ALL sorts of situations over the years, I suspect I have more empathy for your situation...

BUT I'd go further than Bliz... I'd say, you need to take a break from both of these women. My initial impression is that deep down you're NOT feeling ready for a relationship (loneliness and desire for intimacy aren't all that counts toward readiness... as I'm sure you know, but maybe you need to realise... if you know what I mean). So you're transferring your attentions to someone else because you're scared. So... take a couple of months out, at least. Pray a LOT, and ask God to show you what's going on deep in your heart. It won't be pretty, and it won't be fun to deal with... but it'll help clarify the situation for you.

Be honest with them both. Tell them you've stuffed up, apologise, and tell them that you need to take a break and work out what's going on to cause you to act in such a way.

(Note: consider the fact that if you get married to Maggie, and have kids, she's going to end up (within a couple of years) with many, if not all, the characteristics that are giving you pause regarding Renee. And don't fall into the blinkered trap of 'oh, but we'll grow into that worldview together'... that's what gets too many men having affairs with their secretaries. OK, I realise you probably don't HAVE a secretary, but you get what I mean, right?)

 

[bliz]

I think In The Flame's advice is dead on. Especially her insight into Maggie becoming like Renee within a few year's time.

Take a break from both.

 

[chiyongam]

This is a very delicate situation . Renee is very fragile she has gone through alot. It would be better to tell her now that you are still considering dating other people. I would put myself in her position what if you had lost a spouse had 2 kids to take care of? How would you want to be treated? Maggie hmmmmmmm well right now I am more concerned with Renee. But the same applies to Maggie be up front with your intentions I believe it is unfair to waste peoples time and give them false hopes. Even though it may not seem like it you are toying with their emotions.