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Love Like Jesus - How to Respond to Hurtful words

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Debbie Draft, Nov 30, 2020.

  1. Debbie Draft

    Debbie Draft New Member

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    [STAFF EDITED] My husband & I have been together since 2015; a quick relationship right after his former one & I was pregnant immediately. His father died the same year. We’ve progressed to this state of life where he’s so hateful. In one night he’s said these things:


    you're an idiot

    I honestly can say I hate you more than I ever hated **ex-wife**

    You're pathetic

    People genuinely don't like you and you don't see it

    Your dad doesn't like you
    Your mom hates you

    You are my absolute worst enemy I've ever had and that's saying something

    I pretend to get along with you but deep down I'm miserable every second I have to spend with you

    No. I really do hate you
    You're an awful wife

    I never wanted to be with you. You were just a means to an end.

    Why did I never propose? Because I never wanted to marry you

    I can honestly say you are my worst enemy.

    Are the signs not there? I don't like talking to you, I don't care about going on date nights with you, I don't like being near you.

    I literally HATE you


    I am trying so so so hard to love like Jesus & not reciprocate. How do I react when it’s a persistent stab in the gut? I say I hear you, I forgive you, you’re obviously angry right now so let’s talk later but it keeps going. I desperately want to fight for my husband and marriage but I need support.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2020
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  2. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry, but you need to start believing him and plan for your future apart from him. Your body will break down with a stress induced autoimmune disease (usually irreversible) if you abide in this abuse much longer.

    There is nothing to save here. I'm so sorry. I'd recommend that you separate from him immediately and not look back. You will not survive a lifetime of this.

    Dating is an interview for marriage and he has failed the interview. You are not married, and you sincerely and truly need to move on. So, so sorry. <3

    ((hugs))
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2020
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  3. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    You became a "buyer" too soon, and are trying to stay in the crumbling, rotting house that initially had some nice paint on the outside. This house will not stay up and it's best you are out of it when it collapses.

    In your next relationship, do not become a buyer until the day of your wedding. Spend several dates as a freeloader - i.e. assessing the relationship entirely as to what works for you. When you have dated several times with the mindset that you could just as soon leave as stay, and you still want to stay, then date as a renter. If anything about the relationship becomes too difficult or is something you'd prefer not to live with for the rest of your life, break it off and give him the reasons and then look for someone else.

    Only become a buyer on the day you are married. This would save a lot of broken marriages and hurting relationships, and unfortunately you became a buyer too soon and are trying to brace up a rotting house but you will run out of braces and it will collapse on you if you don't get out of there sooner.

    I'm so sorry. (((hugs and love)))
     
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  4. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    He's abusing you. You are responding like Jesus - but Jesus also said to shake the dust off your feet when dealing with people who refuse to hear the gospel. I agree that you need to believe what he's telling you about himself, and begin planning your finances, living arrangements, and other details, and get yourself to safety before his abuse escalates.
     
  5. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Debbie, but you are not married. Marriage is a two sided decision. It will be very damaging to your child to grow up in a home where there is this level of spite and hatred. It's likely the child will begin seeing you through those eyes and you will lose your child to his alienation. That is a path of heartbreak much, much worse than cutting your losses and getting out of this situation now. I almost said "relationship" but then erased it because you don't even have a relationship.

    Separate and file for child support, and don't look back. I'd not bend over backwards to live close enough for him to develop much of a relationship with the child as someone this intemperate would likely use his time with the child to poison it against you and cause a lot of stress to the child. Let him take the initiative, when he is ready, to develop this but don't you push it from your side or else the child will be defenselessly in the same situation you are now... hearing all this ugly garbage but being entrapped in it.
     
  6. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Amen!
     
  7. Debbie Draft

    Debbie Draft New Member

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    We are married though since 2016. Does that change things? We have 3 sons - my step son (7 years old) and our sons, 3 & 2.
     
  8. Debbie Draft

    Debbie Draft New Member

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    Do you have the scripture where he said this? I’d love to read more on it
     
  9. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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  10. Debbie Draft

    Debbie Draft New Member

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    Ignore my last comment, now I get why you said I’m not married. I’ve been so entangled in saving our family I didn’t see what damage could be done to my children in this environment.
     
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  11. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Matt 10 verses:
    11 And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, enquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence.
    12 And when ye come into an house, salute it.
    13 And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you.
    14 And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.
    15 Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city.

    If you'd like a great resource for Biblical standings on taking action against being abused in a marriage, please go to cryingoutforjustice.blog and spend some time absorbing some of the older articles on how Scripture is twisted to guilt abused women into staying with their husbands. Look up the particular Bible verses that your conscience is exercised by in the search menu and you'll encounter some fantastic articles.

    Read the comments to the articles and you'll see testimonies of women in situations like yours who became victorious over their situation - usually by being able to leave their abuser. I'm so sorry to say, but abusers rarely change. Someone as hardened as your husband will likely not change, statistically speaking. Of course the Lord can change his heart, but it's very damaging for you and your children to spend your life waiting for a statistically improbable outcome.
     
  12. SANTOSO

    SANTOSO Well-Known Member

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    Debbie, if you want to love like Jesus, forgive your husband despite his hateful words.

    For this what we have heard:
    For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, -Matthew 6:14

    but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. -Matthew 6:15

    If you heard someone quote you from Matthew 10: 11-15, you better check by reading Matthew 10:1 and 5 ; you will find what purpose that Jesus sent His disciples.

    I understand you are suffering from hearing those hateful words even though your husband may not know what he was doing.

    Are you feeling these burdens too heavy for you ? Come to our Lord Jesus Christ that you may have rest for your soul or mind. For He has promised:

    Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28
    Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:29

    It is of importance that you understand what it means to take the Lord’s yoke. For He is saying that if you are willing to take His yoke, He will bear the suffering with you.

    You are not alone when you are afflicted and the Lord is with you. That is how He loves you.

    Remember in His own words :
    "If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. -John 15:18

    If your husband still acts as the world, you know your husband hate Christ before he hates you.

    Remember what our Lord have said :
    Remember the word that I said to you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. -John 15:20

    Pray to the Lord that He may give your husband THE STRENGTH to keep God’s words ! Then, he will also keep yours.

    Also, remember the counsel that apostle Paul have said to us :

    Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, -Colossians 3:12

    When you put on this new nature that is in Christ Jesus, you love like the Lord !

    Further, apostle Paul counsel us :
    bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. -Colossians 3:13

    And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. -Colossians 3:14

    Debbie, when you bear in Christ, you bear in love like Christ.

    For this is what we have heard:
    Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. -1 Corinthians 13:7

    in marriage or our relationship with others, we all are called to bear in Christ, believes in Christ, hope in Christ, endure in Christ.

    Therefore, it is of importance that you abide in Christ or in union with Christ so that you can bear this fruit of love in the family.

    For we have heard:
    I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that BEARS MUCH FRUIT, for apart from me you can do nothing. -John 15:5

    When you are abiding in Christ, you will love like Christ.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2020
  13. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Debbie, loving your husband during his cruelty is OK for the first several weeks or so to see if your kindness and love will address the problem. However, beyond that you need solutions to fix the problem. If you endure endlessly in an abusive situation, your body will break down and you will suffer health issues from stress that are often irreversible.

    Do not use the "love" verses in the Bible without balancing them with the whole counsel of Scripture. The Lord himself does not forgive people unless they repent and ask. Do not try to out-God God by adjusting the forgiveness formula to suit a warped view of Scripture.

    If one errs too much on forgiving someone when they are not wanting forgiveness, or if they err to far on the side of harboring unforgiveness towards a REPENTANT person who wants to make restitution - either way, one is twisting Scripture.

    You have endured this spectacle long enough to have determined that submitting to abuse will not diminish the abuser's actions - instead, they embolden them. You cannot submit your way out of abuse. You need to take affirmative steps - actions- to stop the abuse.

    In your case, I strongly recommend that you separate. You can leave him a note along the lines of "I love you and want to stay married to you forever but I can't live under your abuse any longer. When you are interested in a relationship of mutual, extraordinary care for each other, please let me know because I would love to reconcile at that time."

    Separations need a minimum of 6 months before you would consider moving back in together again, so get your life in order to be separate for at least that amount of time. In your case, a desire by your husband to reconcile may be somewhat suspicious initially given his very hardened statements so I would not move in until you see him working to win you back for at least 6 months. The clock starts when he professes his love for you and starts working to win you back, not when you have separated.
     
  14. SANTOSO

    SANTOSO Well-Known Member

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    Debbie,

    Do you believe that Jesus have faced cruelty when he was put to death as criminal? Does Jesus go to his own for several weeks whether they would return His love and loving kindness? When Jesus faced hostility! You know what happened to His body !

    Do you remember what Peter asked of the Lord :

    Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" -Matthew 18:21

    Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. -Matthew 18:22

    And Jesus further elaborate His parable Matthew 18:23-35

    It may be true that your husband may have not asked for forgiveness and repent. Let me ask you when your child never asked for forgiveness and repent : would you shut him or her up out of your life like the way you may have done to your husband? Are you not going to be in Christ likeliness to pray on behalf of your children and husband ?

    For this is what we have heard:

    Consequently, He ( Christ ) is able to save to THE UTTERMOST THOSE who draw near to God through Him ( Christ),
    since He ( Christ ) ALWAYS LIVES TO MAKE INTERCESSION for them. -Hebrews 7:25

    For Christ made us to a priest to our God and Father as written in Revelation 1:6.
    Therefore, offer a priestly prayer, that is being ready to enter the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings for the sake of the souls for whom you pray.

    When you humble yourself to God and seek His mercy ! Would He not give you His grace to be have your family restored and made whole ?

    Have you meditate what the Lord have said:
    I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have TRIBULATION. But take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

    What is tribulation?
    tribulations is defined as a cause of great trouble or suffering or a state of great trouble or suffering.

    Don’t you have a cause of great trouble or suffering ? Are you not in that state now? What the Lord’s promise ?

    When you are in union with Christ or abiding in Christ or His words, you will have peace.

    You have heard right that the Lord wants us to take heart that He has overcome the world.

    Aren’t your husband now acting like the world ? Doesn’t the world bring fear ?

    Yes, abide in the Lord and take heart that in union with Christ, you will overcome the world.

    This is what we have heard:
    For EVERYONE who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the VICTORY that has overcome the world'our faith. -1 John 5:4

    When abiding in Christ, remember what He has said :

    If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. -John 15:10

    What counsel that David have heard :
    Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD. -Psalms 32:10

    When you trust in the steadfast of the Lord, His steadfast love will surrounds you ! You able to abide in Christ’s love because you have kept His commandments.

    This is what we have heard:
    At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. -1 John 2:8
    Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. -1 John 2:9
    Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. -1 John 2:10

    Let be no cause for your stumbling. Be filled with the love of the Christ and Heavenly Father. Receive His grace that can strengthen your heart. Release forgiveness to those who wrong you. Let the Lord be your hiding place. In His righteousness, He will bring you out of distress. Fix your eyes on the ways of the Lord and He will keep your foot out of this net.

    For this is what we have heard:
    All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies (instructions). -Psalms 25:10
     
  15. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Debbie:

    Definitely do shut a husband out of your life if he will not stop abusing you. Definitely.

    Do not hold a standard that God himself doesn't hold. God requires repentance (sorrow for behavior AND change). You must do the same for your health and for the good of your children. Do not try to out-God God.

    (((hugs))
     
  16. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

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    You forgive for yourself - which is why God asks this of us, but that doesn't mean you have run back into the arms of evil.

    God also knows at times forgiveness is a journey. There are plenty of stories in the bible of consideration of others from a distance. David and Saul is a good example.

    If the relationship is to come together and be whole once again? True Contrition is required. That involves more than 'sorry', and you are required to have blind faith to accept it or be accused of not doing what is required of a Christian. That would be called imperfect contrition. It's also what I call spiritual pixie dust.

    Anyone that has any type of discernment knows there are times in which you stand, and then there are times in which you must walk away.

    A remorseful person is to be contrite. They are crushed by guilt. Just apologizing, and having tears for effect doesn't cut the definition. A truly contrite person? They will wait for trust to develop again, and show patience and compassion.

    There will also be those that want to RUSH the process along, and that is only for their own comfort and ease. That includes individuals that ask you to ignore the imperfect contrition,and gaslight you to say it is perfect instead. They are to scared to deal with the evil, to lazy to, or both. A good dose of denial on their part is generally present too.

    It's rather ironic if you think about it. The ones that claim you must enable evil behavior, and endure it for whatever reason - normally attempting to guilt you - are to scared to admit the imperfect contrition in front of them. Instead of confronting evil that can strip people of their sense of humanity and self worth in God's eyes? They take the lazy way out and use their own words to guilt you into staying. The intention might to be good, but lack of understanding the dynamics - or even wanting to - does more harm than good.

    My mother grew up in an abusive household, and sadly the church leaders enabled the behavior. The marriage at all costs, and there was huge one for my mom. It was a soul crushing experience to watch her mother be abused, and that extended to her at times as well. She kept her faith all of her life, and Mom married a good man (my Dad of course). Yet, she was a very emotionally closed person. It was very hard to let anyone in. Product of her mother not being able to protect her, and her church family refusing too. I found all these imperfect contrition letters addressed to my grandmother in the attic of their house when I was cleaning it out (from my grandfather). I'm not saying he didn't love her. Yet, it wasn't the healthy type. Sadly, he was so broken I doubt he was capable of it.

    Mom struggled with those remnants of her childhood, and my brother and I never learned about this wall until we were adults. We never understood why the wall was there growing up. All because people wanted to throw bible verses at them instead of helping my grandfather become the man God intended. Yes, it would have been scary stuff to do that. The battle could have gone either way - together or separate - but they would have done what was right to help him. After my grandfather died? My grandmother had Alzheimer's. In her Alzheimer's life she looked for good man to be her husband, and to have children with. lol of course she never found him, but her inner peace was there for the first time for mother to see in her - and for the rest of us to see. Her happy was genuine then, and it's rather sad if you think about it - outside her Alzheimer's bubble.

    When I found out the family mystery I was mad at my grandfather for while. I knew he could be ugly at times, but never in a million years did I imagine the harm that happened within that family. My mother's family. I knew why my folks moved us 1,000 miles away so they could keep it a secret too. No doubt my mother's idea, and to keep us kids safe. I have forgiven him, and quite honestly feel sorry for him. I also feel sorry for those that enabled this relationship to continue under the guise of spiritual pixie dust. They had the opportunity to make that circumstance whole - or find ways of helping it move forward in the direction that it needed too. They blew it. They never think of the children from what I have seen. It's okay for you too. Perfectly acceptable - along with your own safety and wellbeing.
     
  17. SANTOSO

    SANTOSO Well-Known Member

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    Dear Hannah,
    Thank you for sharing something deep in your heart.

    I am not trying to throw bible verse at Debbie or you or others for this matter. I am just sharing what Debbie asks —- how to love like Jesus and how to respond hurtful words.
    I do share with quotes from bible verse ; it is for her to reflect that what I am saying is accord with what is written and explain how Jesus loves and in what we have been taught.

    Hannah, do I belittle what Debbie has gone through? Many instances, you can find in what I write that she is suffering! Likewise, do I belittle the abuse that she received from her husband? Do I not compare her suffering like Jesus on the cross ? Do I not consider her body like Jesus when He was on the cross ?
    Do I claim that when her husband was abusing her with words to be godly?
    But I do desire that their family are made whole and her husband come to repentance through her continuous intercession.

    I do understand that it is painful and difficult to release forgiveness to others and ourselves. Many times I ask myself why Jesus ask something that I can’t do and eventually as I wait on Him daily for many hours and study His words — I can’t rely on my strength to work relationships with others but that the Lord has always there to give me strength when I do what He asks of me. If I walk according to my understanding and way and strength, I couldn’t make the relationship work out. But Jesus have been telling me that you cannot bear fruit in your relationship with others apart from me. Then I know that we all need His grace and strength to pull us through our darkest moments of our life.

    When in darkness, we often ask ourselves, where is God ? How He is with me ?
    Eventually, I understand what Jesus have spoken to the Samaritan woman who says that she has no husband but actually she has five husbands and the one is living with is not her husband.
    Jesus have said : God is SPIRIT, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth." -John 4:24
    Also, Jesus have revealed this in His own words:
    It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. -John 6:63

    What I am trying to say ! In the darkest moments of life, when we want to seek God and find Him and that He be with us — we must relate with Him in spirit and truth — Jesus’s very words are SPIRIT and LIFE that we need when we want to bring life back to our family.

    Hannah, read again what I have written previously to Debbie ; have I not shared with her Jesus’s words.

    I understand your frustration at church leaders for what they may say to your mother that offend her. Is this not the time that you and your mother release forgiveness, too.

    I understand that some may say that person have not asked for forgiveness why I should forgive him or them. But consider yourself what the Lord have spoken:

    But I say to you that EVERYONE who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire. -Matthew 5:22
    So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there REMEMBER that your brother has something against you, -Matthew 5:23
    leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be RECONCILED to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. -Matthew 5:24

    When Debbie and we are angry with our husbands/wife ! Are we not liable to the Lord’s judgment?

    Can those who are abused not REMEMBER that their husband/wife have something against them?

    Are we called to reconcile only when those abuse come and say forgive me and show that they repent in true contrition and wholeheartedly?

    I understand that you share the story of David and Saul and implying regarding when David hide from Saul for a time.

    I understand that wife/husband wants to be apart for some time before being reconciled again.

    David did hide from Saul and make the Lord his hiding place.

    Hannah, do you not see that I tell Debbie previously, also to hide in the Lord ?
    It is not wrong to hide from the wicked.

    Remember Hannah, what we have been taught:
    For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. -Ephesians 6:12

    But neither the husband nor the wife that we should wrestle against! We all should wrestle against the rulers, authorities, the darkness, and the spiritual forces of evil that try to break marriage and family!

    Hannah, you do consider your father is a good man. Also, you have forgiven your grandfather. Don’t you wish as a daughter and granddaughter for them to reconcile ?
    Is it impossible with God ? Is it impossible for God’s words to do good to you, your family and big family? Do you still consider God’s words in bible verse as spiritual pixie dust ?
     
  18. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Hannah,

    @SANTOSO does not give up. He keeps preaching his vain doctrines pushing abused women to keep offering their heart and their health to their abusive husbands with some notion of unconditionally enabling abusers to abuse further, without any repentance from the abuser. He doesn't understand that submitting to and "loving" an abuser escalates the abuse. Very broken doctrines and very unBiblical. Bad stuff. But you'll never wear him out. He'll reply to all posts challenging him with the same unbalanced, bad stuff that goes on for paragraphs and paragraphs.
     
  19. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

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    My mother's family ran into that for two generations. It's sad really. People to busy telling others what to do, how to believe...and never listening or attempting to understand the dynamic. You can't fix something you refuse to acknowledge.

    My poor grandfather should have been helped, and yet he was enabled instead.

    My mother was damaged growing up in that environment, and I think she was happy to see her mother feeling safe in her last years.

    What people don't get - and always assume isn't possible - is we all loved my grandfather. Despite what happened? Forgiveness came, and yet distance changed so much. My mother was able to live a nice life with no abuse/violence away from him. My grandmother felt safe, loved and cared for after he died. I just pray that God gave my grandfather peace in heaven. I really think he wanted to be a good man in all aspects, but was never given/shown the tools to be capable of it.
     
  20. SANTOSO

    SANTOSO Well-Known Member

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    Dear sisters,

    If you can’t accept my words, just CONSIDER what the psalmist RESPONDS to those who speak arrogantly with hurtful words:



    Remember Your promise to Your servant,
    through which You have given me hope.

    In my distress my comfort is this:
    that your promise gives me life.


    Though the arrogant scorn me completely,
    I have not turned away from your Torah.

    Adonai, I keep in MIND Your age-old rulings;
    in them I take comfort.


    Fury seizes me when I think of the wicked,
    because they abandon Your Torah.

    Your laws have become my songs
    wherever I make my home.

    I remember Your name, Adonai, at night;
    and I observe your Torah.


    This [comfort] has come to me,
    because I observe your precepts.
    - Psalms 119:49-
     
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