Love and non-commited relationships

[AlanBoB]

Ok... well you've all heard situations like this before, many of you probably have experienced similar ones... maybe this is a bit different. Some of you might remember my posts as MatthewBoB a few months back. I cared deeply for a woman and she was going to go on a date and then ditched me three times in a row. A very close friend and she enjoys being single...


Well since then we've gotten close, at first just hanging out together... then alone, you know the rest. We haven't had sex, we both are virgins and beleive in that. Though we have been very physically involved with eachother, in fact we have met up every weekend for the past couple months. Not just doing that though, working on work (we go to college together) watching movies, etc etc... I have never been more open with a person and she claims the same, which I feel is true, though she seems to hide a little part of her.

From the start she said she didn't want a relationship at this point of her life. That any commitment or pressure would cause her to freak out and leave.
She said that the first time we spent intimate time together, right before it. Normally I'm very strict with myself about that, but lately I've been loosening up, for the good I think, not so uptight, I don't repress things like I used to, I deal with things now, maybe badly, but at least I deal with things. I used to be a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but I've worked out of that, some lately with her help, we support eachother in everything and are always there for eachother.


well shes not exactly a romantically social person, fairly reserved in that sense, so the idea of her dating outside of us wasn't really an issue, I've struggled a couple weeks, have talked with her about it all, we are extremely open... and have been trying to deal with it before the situation arrises... probably more than coincidentally the situation did arrise this last weekend. She was asked out on a date (she can be an intimadating person to approach so she doesnt get asked out often). She accepted, told me she needed Sunday to "herself" ... Saturday I took her out to eat and a movie for her birthday, could tell something was on her mind... was struggling with that same idea as well all of a sudden, in a way I think that and the fact I was dealing with it the past couple weeks (though the situation didnt need me to) was the Lord's way of preparing me, if he didn't maybe I wouldn't have handled this weekend as well as I did...

Well I talked to her Sunday, I was fairly depressed, first weekend in a couple months I didnt spend the whole time with her, we had a small fall out... she felt bad and she said she had to go, well she went out on a date, a fairly casual one I guess, shes not the formal date type of person (as she doesnt want a commitment)...

I called her for four hours and couldnt get a hold of her, was worried because she can sometimes get highly depressed, didn't want her to go get drunk or something, we didn't end on the best of words, and she always reverts to saying shes no good for me, she just need to leave me alone, that shes evil incarnate, etc etc... she doesnt have a high self-esteem. Makes it hard for me to approach her sometimes about concerns, but I always do and we work through it.

well I ended up calling a nearby friend ( I have no vehicle) and he went over and checked if she was there, her car was there and her roomate said she was on a date... I found out about it that way... when we first got involved all I asked her is that she would be honest with me if anything happened with her and another guy, that way its not a surprise or a shock, or a sudden thing... I have some fears of being abandoned.

well to say the least I didn't deal with things as well as I had been that day, I went and hit a concrete column about 25 times... I'm not a violent person, I would never harm another person, but I used to harm myself... then for an hour I sat, sinking into depression, fighting away the idea of suicide....
I love her... I told her a week ago, and she just held me then and said she cared deeply for me but wasn't sure if she could love anymore (past experience)... and if she could she wasn't ready for it then... we talked some more that night, stayed very close... that night I didnt want to end, knew the next day would bring the continual realization that I truly did love her and she didn't love me, or if she did she didn't embrace it, hid from it... She is a very strong person, feels she has to fix everything, taken a lot of proof to get her to trust me... we are very close and open with everything.

I know I shouldn't have let myself fall in love with her, but being so close, spending so much time... I could stop myself...

Well she had her phone off while on the date, I called about 60+ times, worried she was drinking or something, left a few messages. She called me when she got back home worried from my messages. Answered witht he knowledge that she had been on a date. She essentialy lied to me, thats what hurts the most... We talked for about 3 hours, she was going to tell me earlier, but I had been freaking out some, stressed about other life issues and our situation, so she didn't want to push me over by telling me that... obviousy the situation didnt favor that decision, but we talked...

she still says she doesnt know about me and her beyond friendship, she says she enjoys our alone time, her actions confirm this, we are very passionate when together, and talk about things very closely, but theres a point where she pushes me away, not always, some times she lets me past it and at first that scared her, she slowly has gotten more comfortable with that, but most of the time she still keeps me at a distance... when I ask if she wants us to stop being together she says she doesnt know, same answer when she thinks we should be together, she has said this since day one...


I don't know what to do. I got about an hour of sleep last night, the thought of her with another guy drives me crazy... I love her. She tells me she wont abandon me no matter what, that she doesnt want to hurt me, but if she falls for someone else its unavoidable, whether she wants to or not...
but if I break things of, well maybe things would work out. At times she is very close to me and I think she may have deep feelings she hides from, fear of being vulnerable, so if I'm here to support her and be with her when she wants to... but will I be killing myself in the proccess..

then again if I break things off I still will feel the same pain, even more from not being able to spend time alone with her... which gives me so much joy...


I'm lost, I've prayed about this... a lot. I'm a very sensitive person, and my emmotions run rampant at times.

I love her and want to be with her, in any way I can. I hope to be in a relationship with her, but I dont know if that will ever happen, and shes going out with this guy again next weekend, this time she is telling me ahead of time... she says again on a more casual date, but if shes going out with him again she has to be interested....


right now I'm on the edge, dealing with things ok for the moment, but I feel deep depression a step away, feel if I break things off I'll be pushed over, if she spends more time with this guy I'll push over.. if I sit here and do n othing I'll push over... lol...

what do you all think... if you have any questions please ask, I'm desperate.

 

[scott29]

Wow...well, I'm certainly no therapist, but in response to your post, the first thing that jumps out at me is how frightening you appear to be. I say this only based on the words in your post (you may be a ray of sunshine, but that's not what I got out of your post). Some of the things you've said would probably send 90% of potential girlfriends running for the hills. 60+ phone calls in one night is extreme, as is punching concrete columns. You say depression is one step away, but you seem to be knee-deep in it already.

My advice for you is to talk to someone about your depression (pastor, therapist, counselor, etc.) and get some help. There's nothing wrong with feeling hurt about the actions of your friend, but I'm more concerned about how obsessed you appear to be over this girl (again, I only have your post to base this upon). In a perfect world she would be honest with you about her intentions, but I wonder if she's a little frightened to do so. It sounds like she's walking around on eggshells around you (and rightfully so, if you're sending friends around to check on her, callling her 60 times and punching things). I realize you did those things in response to the situation, but I have to think that some warning signs were present before she went out on these 'dates'.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I really think you should get some help in dealing with your depression, and look into medication (if necessary). I hope you don't take any offense to my response, but I'm calling it as I see it. I've had some experience with depression myself, and I know how screwy the mind can get, especially when processing these kinds of emotions. And don't stop praying. I am praying for you too.

God bless, brother.
Scott

 

[Law & Order]

It seems as if you are addicted to this woman. You got to take a break, take some time alone and a few days even weeks from her, pray and focus on God instead of this woman. What if she decides she likes the guy that she went on a date with or happens to meet someone else? It will tear you appart completely and it will take much time for you to get back up. You need to start building yourself up in prayer and strength and if things do not work out you will be hurt a little but it will not affect you too deeply.

I also agree with scott29. Doing things like you have mentioned would scare off any girl. It is great to have a guy who cares about you, calls and checks up on you but that is a little too much. We girls like some "me" time to do our own thing and a guy always hanging on your back and sucking up to you that already shows what kind of guy he will be if you take a relationship further or even get married. In those kind of relationships it is usually the woman always in charge because she sees her advantage.

 

[AlanBoB]

I came accross the wrong way... earlier today was freaking out, I don't freak out often...


Normally I am an 'extremely' controlled person, I do not get angry, I have never had a violent situation with a person, I am always there for support for my friends, always trying to do what I can, I am a very sensitive person, a bit quiet if anything. I write poetry, always am trying to make her happy as much as possible. I think thats part of my problem, gave too much of myself.. but one of my weakness' is masochism, in my past, and if you know what masochism really is, its not agression towards people... its dealing with things towards yourself in a bad way, I would never ever harm another person, but when I'm extremely weak (been a long time isnce I've succumbed to it) I have to hurt myself....


and the 60+ calls thing is more situation based, she 'always' answers her phone, its a safety thing she always does... she never has not, and this time she didnt so I got worried...

I know all you have to go off of is what I've said here and things came out frantic earlier, you know when you have those moments you are extremely weak.

I'm dealing with things better now, talked with her today, we can always talk upfront about things... she's feeling very badly though, so today been trying my best to make her feel better even if the idea of her with another guy makes me feel like cr ap... sorry for not detailing things better, this morning I was freaking out... thanks for your replies too

 

[Law & Order]

Don't become to clingy to her though, because it will be very hard to let go. You have to be prepared for both outcomes; either the two of you end up dating, or she finds someone else and/or decides to be single. One or the other will occur and if you do not how to react to the situation it will effect you most.

 

[Johnnz]

You can (should) never push a person into a relationship. Relationships grow. That takes time, and people respond differently.

You must allow her to make her own choices - she is somewhere else than wher eyou are in the process, and you must accept that.

John
NZ

 

[fishstix]

It actually sounds like neither one of you are really ready for a romantic relationship right now. But ultimately you are responsible for your decisions and she is responsible for hers. Right now you may need to focus on dealing with your own problems - you mentioned depression for one thing and a tendency to hurt yourself. Those are things that you should deal with before adding all the pressures and stresses of a romantic relationship to the mix. Someone has already suggested a counsellor - I think that may be a good idea.

 

[AlanBoB]

Thank you for all of your advice... I think you all are right.

About three weeks ago I realized that I needed to be prepared for those outcomes so started dealing with it, trying to accept the possibilities, was slipping in and out of depression and she got worried for a while. Since we are always upfront and honest about things told her why I was and she told me not to worry, lol, that she never gets asked out anyways. Then this happened this weekend all of a sudden, as I've mentioned before, think God inclined me to deal with some of these issues. I may have freaked out at one point, but all in all dealt with it much better than I could have.

Think some time and space for both of us is a good thing, not forced, but waiting for her to bring up the idea of us spending some more time together, so we both get as much space as we need.

Shes told me from the start, and even when we were just friends that shes used to dealing with things alone, by herself. Shes not used to trusting people, her dad died two years ago and she had to carry her family, she stayed in a small town and ended up being deathly affraid of being stuck there her whole life, watching after her family, never doing anything she wanted to do.
Now she moved to a big city and is going to college (both of us in the same class) so she is very independent, she likes her freedom. The last thing I want to do is pressure her, all in all I think I've avoided that, even if I get a little weird about the situation (and she knows it) I never ever degrade the fact that she doesnt want a commitment right now, won't let her degrade herself about that either.


Shes just everything to me, the only person that can calm me, as weird as that sounds, the night I was freaking out, once we got to talk I calmed right down. She's easily my best friend, never have been so open with anyone before, we share things we won't tell anyone else... probably the only person (other than the Lord of course) that I can truly trust.


...and I do agree that I need to deal with some of my own problems. Control of my emotions, definately how it gets me depressed at times, I always rise back up (thanks to the Lord)... and its been a good 3+ years since I've hurt myself to deal with things. Scared me a bit the other night, it was a sudden outburst though, me and friends were worried sick about her and he went to go check on her, to find out she was on a date, even though she told us she was going to spend the day alone, to herself. It was just a surprise, since from the start she promised to tell me if anything were to happen with her and someone else... my emotions caught me off guard... still no excuse for resorting to hurting myself, after she realized what I had done ( shes quite clever) she told me that if I hurt myself again she would hurt herself and I would be responsible... lol she is too sweet, doubt hurting myself will be a problem because of that...


thanks again for the advice, and please pray for me... and her, whatever happens... I will always be her friend, though I guess I need to accept what could happen.

 

[JVD]

You need to become a person somone would be comfortable making a committment to. Right now, you seem to be obsessed and also on the edge of depression. Those are two more important things to deal with than this woman. Take care of those things first and I think the rest will deal with itself. You need to let this person go...and tell her that...and actually do it.

Don't call her, don't date her etc. Let her know you are there for her if she wants you to be but never initiate it. You need to deal with yourself first. When you become a person that depends on God for your needs and not someone else, you will become attractive to her.

 

[AlanBoB]

I think thats very sound advice JVD... thank you for it, I am taking it. I have been distancing myself some from her, though I see her every day, but in a personal/ romantic way I have been distancing myself. Giving her space, not initiating anything... she still is flirty in her weird way, sometime serious (knowing our times together) but I know she isn't willing/ ready to commit.

Its extremely hard... I love her and she still jokes with me, flirts with me, etc etc... so its hard not to try and initaite something; however, thinking on how she went on a date last weekend and has one planned this weekend (she told me that ahead of time this time) it gives me some motivation to keep some distance... also it gives me a chance to directly deal with the issue whether I like it or not.

I haven't initiated anything, though she said she wanted me to call her on her break at work, and she has done the same, so we still talk, we always have been able to do that....


well I'm stepping through the process, still getting mixed signals from her, but I'm standing firm, trusting in the Lord, keeping my eyes on him... tomorrow (Saturday) night will be hard, thats when shes supposed to go out again... knowing that in the back of my mind will make the day very very hard.

 

[TheMainException]

Pray for her, most of all, pray for her. It is very important to help her in this way.