Lost

[Riot]

Been married two years. It's been rocky from the start. Things were good until we got married and moved in together. I started feeling more like a maid than anything close to a partner. He works a lot, 12 hour days sometimes and it's an hours drive to and from his work. I know he is tired a lot because of that and I learned that I shouldn't expect him to help with any house things. I cook, clean, take care of my son, do the yard work, wash clothes...everything. Some times I resent him for it when he spends his time off gone and I have no idea where to. Often he will be in bed when I leave for work and then gone when I return and I've heard nothing from him all day. I try hard not to get upset but I've told him numerous times that I worry when I don't know what's going on and when he has worked such hours I get even more stressed about him being up and down the roads being sleepy. I have asked that he just let me know where he's going and if it's going to be late when he returns so I won't worry that something has happened. Yet he never lets me know anything. I have no idea what's going on in his life. He was in the service for several years and saw and did some awful things. I know he struggles sometimes with those things. He has been lately, or that's what I assume it is because when I asked what's wrong and told him I would help any way I could he said that I couldn't begin to understand or handle the things going on in his head right now. He made a point to say it had nothing to do with me so perhaps that is true. However given that we have been up and down so much I can't help but feel like I cause him issues as well. He can be so cold that it's terrifying to me. It's like I mean nothing and he feels nothing. I pull away of course when he's like this and unfortunately he's like this a lot. So there is quite a bit of distance between us, or I feel it on my end. We have talked about divorce three times. Once he brought it up, once I did and the last time it was him again. That time it was over sex. It's hard for me to want to be intimate with him when I feel so far away and often used as he will go days without speaking to me then ask for sex and go right back to ignoring me. Of course he says he doesn't ignore and he isn't cold. He has only admitted a couple times that he treats me bad because I nag or something and he's showing me how it feels. Well last night he came home drunk. Big time drunk. Thankfully my son was at my moms. It took me a little while to figure out what was wrong with him. I called his name and spoke and he ignored me (which happens often so I thought that was normal) but then I watched him and understood he was drunk. I got dressed and gathered some things, walking right by him several times, before he saw me and asked who I was. He wouldn't give me his keys or gun since he didn't know who I was. I had his buddy come help and he got him to pass out and in bed. I left though while he was riding him around. I didn't feel safe being there since he didn't know me and I have heard him talk about hallucinating when drunk years ago (he used to be a full on drunk before nearly drinking himself to death) and so I was afraid I would be shot or something and should he have woken and wanted to leave I couldn't have confronted him for sure in that state. So reading all this I guess it seems clear what to do. My friend has told me to get out for the last year. She believes he's emotionally abusive and I know he is to a point. I've been involved in the past with someone who was and I see it. I just don't want to give up. I have held on two years and I keep thinking we will break through all this if I just keep trying. Last night though was scary and it opens a lot of questions and doubts for me. Is this behavior going to start happening often? Did I cause this? I couldn't handle it if I did and a part of me knows he will blame me for it. I know all of this sounds terrible but he isn't always bad. We have had good times and for a while it felt like he knew me so well, saw me for all the flaws and issues I have and loved me anyway. I felt safe with him, knew I could trust him completely and did. Now it's all a mess. I feel lost. Hopeless. I know in my head that we can't live this way. He has problems he refuses to see and seek help for. And he is right I cannot help with them. I have some issues as well with anxiety and depression. Together we are toxic. We have not brought out the best in each other for a while now. I just love him. And I feel like I need to fix him. To fix us. How do I let that go? I feel guilt for this not working, like I could have made it if I had done better to start with. I feel shame for not being able to handle it. I pray and I still feel all these things. I don't know what I am looking for exactly but there it is.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; good to see you here on the forums. I was just saying to someone today that married life involves a lot of patience and the patience is a 2 way thing.

Something else strikes me. Daily prayer and Scripture reading is important; and when a married couple can do those things together it is a special blessing.

There are some very wonderful passages about the Lord Jesus: John chapter 3 speaks of being born again and contains verse 16, among the most famous of Bible verses. John chapter 14 is a highly comforting passage. The Psalms contain a huge range of human experience, with thoughts directed Godward; Psalm 46 is very comforting for the believer.

God bless you and your family.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Please try not to blame yourself. It's not your fault that your husband has been drinking lately. It sounds like he has some PTSD from his time in the service. Has he gotten counseling for it? Self-medicating with alcohol is not going to help. It's often difficult for wives of veterans to know what to do in times like this. You could try counseling for yourself with someone who has experience with veteran issues, so that you get a better understanding of what he's going through and be able to support him better.

I do think it's dangerous if he has a gun and doesn't recognize you when he's drunk. That could end in tragedy. He needs to stop drinking and get treatment for his PTSD and perhaps depression. What he's going through is unfortunately very common, and there is help available.

I'm praying that the situation improves for you.

 

[Solomons Porch]

Been married two years. It's been rocky from the start. Things were good until we got married and moved in together. I started feeling more like a maid than anything close to a partner. He works a lot, 12 hour days sometimes and it's an hours drive to and from his work. I know he is tired a lot because of that and I learned that I shouldn't expect him to help with any house things. I cook, clean, take care of my son, do the yard work, wash clothes...everything. Some times I resent him for it when he spends his time off gone and I have no idea where to. Often he will be in bed when I leave for work and then gone when I return and I've heard nothing from him all day. I try hard not to get upset but I've told him numerous times that I worry when I don't know what's going on and when he has worked such hours I get even more stressed about him being up and down the roads being sleepy. I have asked that he just let me know where he's going and if it's going to be late when he returns so I won't worry that something has happened. Yet he never lets me know anything. I have no idea what's going on in his life. He was in the service for several years and saw and did some awful things. I know he struggles sometimes with those things. He has been lately, or that's what I assume it is because when I asked what's wrong and told him I would help any way I could he said that I couldn't begin to understand or handle the things going on in his head right now. He made a point to say it had nothing to do with me so perhaps that is true. However given that we have been up and down so much I can't help but feel like I cause him issues as well. He can be so cold that it's terrifying to me. It's like I mean nothing and he feels nothing. I pull away of course when he's like this and unfortunately he's like this a lot. So there is quite a bit of distance between us, or I feel it on my end. We have talked about divorce three times. Once he brought it up, once I did and the last time it was him again. That time it was over sex. It's hard for me to want to be intimate with him when I feel so far away and often used as he will go days without speaking to me then ask for sex and go right back to ignoring me. Of course he says he doesn't ignore and he isn't cold. He has only admitted a couple times that he treats me bad because I nag or something and he's showing me how it feels. Well last night he came home drunk. Big time drunk. Thankfully my son was at my moms. It took me a little while to figure out what was wrong with him. I called his name and spoke and he ignored me (which happens often so I thought that was normal) but then I watched him and understood he was drunk. I got dressed and gathered some things, walking right by him several times, before he saw me and asked who I was. He wouldn't give me his keys or gun since he didn't know who I was. I had his buddy come help and he got him to pass out and in bed. I left though while he was riding him around. I didn't feel safe being there since he didn't know me and I have heard him talk about hallucinating when drunk years ago (he used to be a full on drunk before nearly drinking himself to death) and so I was afraid I would be shot or something and should he have woken and wanted to leave I couldn't have confronted him for sure in that state. So reading all this I guess it seems clear what to do. My friend has told me to get out for the last year. She believes he's emotionally abusive and I know he is to a point. I've been involved in the past with someone who was and I see it. I just don't want to give up. I have held on two years and I keep thinking we will break through all this if I just keep trying. Last night though was scary and it opens a lot of questions and doubts for me. Is this behavior going to start happening often? Did I cause this? I couldn't handle it if I did and a part of me knows he will blame me for it. I know all of this sounds terrible but he isn't always bad. We have had good times and for a while it felt like he knew me so well, saw me for all the flaws and issues I have and loved me anyway. I felt safe with him, knew I could trust him completely and did. Now it's all a mess. I feel lost. Hopeless. I know in my head that we can't live this way. He has problems he refuses to see and seek help for. And he is right I cannot help with them. I have some issues as well with anxiety and depression. Together we are toxic. We have not brought out the best in each other for a while now. I just love him. And I feel like I need to fix him. To fix us. How do I let that go? I feel guilt for this not working, like I could have made it if I had done better to start with. I feel shame for not being able to handle it. I pray and I still feel all these things. I don't know what I am looking for exactly but there it is.

Wow Riot........ummmm yeah this is tough.
Was he like this before you were married at all?
And when did his behaviour change?

 

[Riot]

The years we dated he only drank occasionally and never got drunk. Just a beer or two here and there. He was much more attentive and affectionate then as well. He told me about some of his issues from the service but I never really saw anything that seemed like a big deal. He sleeps with the tv on because he says it helps him not hear things (I never asked him to elaborate on that). However after we were married he was able to sleep without it and told me it didn't bother him. He hunts and fishes and says those things help and the way he prioritises them I guess they do. As I said we have had issues, he doesn't let me in at all so I'm often at a loss as to what's going on in his life much less his head. I am bad to read more in to his silence and distance and take it personally which doesn't help things. I'm more of a talk about what's bothering me type person. He isn't at all. Once just after we married the VA contacted him about coming in for something and there was money involved (I can't remember specifics) but he talked to me about that and he didn't want to go because they required him to have therapy sessions. He told me he had spent enough time in therapy and wasn't going. His discription of therapy was a psych veal in my book. Not therapy at all. I told him that and assured him that the two weren't the same thing but he didn't go and never said another word about it. He has only opened up to me once about something he was a part of in the service and it was awful. The only other person that lived is in a psych place. My husband was cleared. I had no idea that he was dealing with anything really while dating. He seemed to have everything together and was very happy. I can't help but think I am what's brought the issues back up some how. And if I am leaving would be the best thing. I've talked to him several times about us going to see someone together. He won't.

 

[Maria.V.H]

Been married two years. It's been rocky from the start. Things were good until we got married and moved in together. I started feeling more like a maid than anything close to a partner. He works a lot, 12 hour days sometimes and it's an hours drive to and from his work. I know he is tired a lot because of that and I learned that I shouldn't expect him to help with any house things. I cook, clean, take care of my son, do the yard work, wash clothes...everything. Some times I resent him for it when he spends his time off gone and I have no idea where to. Often he will be in bed when I leave for work and then gone when I return and I've heard nothing from him all day. I try hard not to get upset but I've told him numerous times that I worry when I don't know what's going on and when he has worked such hours I get even more stressed about him being up and down the roads being sleepy. I have asked that he just let me know where he's going and if it's going to be late when he returns so I won't worry that something has happened. Yet he never lets me know anything. I have no idea what's going on in his life. He was in the service for several years and saw and did some awful things. I know he struggles sometimes with those things. He has been lately, or that's what I assume it is because when I asked what's wrong and told him I would help any way I could he said that I couldn't begin to understand or handle the things going on in his head right now. He made a point to say it had nothing to do with me so perhaps that is true. However given that we have been up and down so much I can't help but feel like I cause him issues as well. He can be so cold that it's terrifying to me. It's like I mean nothing and he feels nothing. I pull away of course when he's like this and unfortunately he's like this a lot. So there is quite a bit of distance between us, or I feel it on my end. We have talked about divorce three times. Once he brought it up, once I did and the last time it was him again. That time it was over sex. It's hard for me to want to be intimate with him when I feel so far away and often used as he will go days without speaking to me then ask for sex and go right back to ignoring me. Of course he says he doesn't ignore and he isn't cold. He has only admitted a couple times that he treats me bad because I nag or something and he's showing me how it feels. Well last night he came home drunk. Big time drunk. Thankfully my son was at my moms. It took me a little while to figure out what was wrong with him. I called his name and spoke and he ignored me (which happens often so I thought that was normal) but then I watched him and understood he was drunk. I got dressed and gathered some things, walking right by him several times, before he saw me and asked who I was. He wouldn't give me his keys or gun since he didn't know who I was. I had his buddy come help and he got him to pass out and in bed. I left though while he was riding him around. I didn't feel safe being there since he didn't know me and I have heard him talk about hallucinating when drunk years ago (he used to be a full on drunk before nearly drinking himself to death) and so I was afraid I would be shot or something and should he have woken and wanted to leave I couldn't have confronted him for sure in that state. So reading all this I guess it seems clear what to do. My friend has told me to get out for the last year. She believes he's emotionally abusive and I know he is to a point. I've been involved in the past with someone who was and I see it. I just don't want to give up. I have held on two years and I keep thinking we will break through all this if I just keep trying. Last night though was scary and it opens a lot of questions and doubts for me. Is this behavior going to start happening often? Did I cause this? I couldn't handle it if I did and a part of me knows he will blame me for it. I know all of this sounds terrible but he isn't always bad. We have had good times and for a while it felt like he knew me so well, saw me for all the flaws and issues I have and loved me anyway. I felt safe with him, knew I could trust him completely and did. Now it's all a mess. I feel lost. Hopeless. I know in my head that we can't live this way. He has problems he refuses to see and seek help for. And he is right I cannot help with them. I have some issues as well with anxiety and depression. Together we are toxic. We have not brought out the best in each other for a while now. I just love him. And I feel like I need to fix him. To fix us. How do I let that go? I feel guilt for this not working, like I could have made it if I had done better to start with. I feel shame for not being able to handle it. I pray and I still feel all these things. I don't know what I am looking for exactly but there it is.

Thanks for sharing your story, i feel your hurt, and i know it´s not easy for you, and i´m sorry! I know you love him, but at some point you need to ask yourself if this is worth it?, because right now you are the underdog and he treats you like crap!!!! If this is love, i would not like to be loved!!! You seem like such a nice person, wanting to fix him but you need to see the truth, you can´t fix him, only he can fix himself. You take responsibility for his actions, and it is not something you should do, no good will ever come out of that. He is abusing you, i´m sorry, but he is, and you are closing your eyes. I know it is hard, that when you love someone you are blind, but i´m scared for you, that you will be very abused and loose a lot in the end, mentally. You also need to think about your son, if you can´t think about yourself ,then please think about your son, it´s a dangerous environment for him!!!

I think you should ask him if he wants to fix it, but i think his answer will be no, since he has brought up divorce 2 times. He has already given up, so you might as well just get a divorce, it´s not good fighting for something that can´t be fixed. You need to see things the way they are, otherwise you will end up very hurt.

Every person has responsibility, but you take his so he does not have to do a damn thing, he uses you, you can´t keep being his door map, you are wort much more, you need to see your worth, because right now you put yourself so below him it´s scary. He needs to give something too in order to get the relationship going and he is not, and he will not, so there is just one way out i´m afraid, all the excuses are not going to work. Ask him what he want´s, stop taking responsibility for him, it´s not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, you have given plenty, much more than he deserves, start building yourself up, find your worth, it´s not your responsibility to fix things, it takes two, and he does not want to fix it, so there is your answer, i´m sorry!!!

Your son comes first, he gets scars from seeing you two, how you act towards each other, please think about that, please think about what´s best for him, grown ups always thinks about themselves, they never put themselves in the childs shoes, i think we would be destroyed if we knew how much hurt there can be inside such a little person, it´s also something to think about..

I wish you the best though, i hope things work out one way or the other...

 

[Poppyseed78]

You didn't bring his issues back up. The thing about PTSD is that it can come and go anytime. Memories can be triggered by sounds, smells etc. It's not your fault, and neither is the drinking. Have you mentioned to him (when he is sober) that it scares you that he might do something dangerous while drunk? That's a big concern, especially with a young child.

 

[Solomons Porch]

The years we dated he only drank occasionally and never got drunk. Just a beer or two here and there. He was much more attentive and affectionate then as well. He told me about some of his issues from the service but I never really saw anything that seemed like a big deal. He sleeps with the tv on because he says it helps him not hear things (I never asked him to elaborate on that). However after we were married he was able to sleep without it and told me it didn't bother him. He hunts and fishes and says those things help and the way he prioritises them I guess they do. As I said we have had issues, he doesn't let me in at all so I'm often at a loss as to what's going on in his life much less his head. I am bad to read more in to his silence and distance and take it personally which doesn't help things. I'm more of a talk about what's bothering me type person. He isn't at all. Once just after we married the VA contacted him about coming in for something and there was money involved (I can't remember specifics) but he talked to me about that and he didn't want to go because they required him to have therapy sessions. He told me he had spent enough time in therapy and wasn't going. His discription of therapy was a psych veal in my book. Not therapy at all. I told him that and assured him that the two weren't the same thing but he didn't go and never said another word about it. He has only opened up to me once about something he was a part of in the service and it was awful. The only other person that lived is in a psych place. My husband was cleared. I had no idea that he was dealing with anything really while dating. He seemed to have everything together and was very happy. I can't help but think I am what's brought the issues back up some how. And if I am leaving would be the best thing. I've talked to him several times about us going to see someone together. He won't.

May I ask how old you are and him as well?
And do you "FEEL" deep in your heart that he loves you?

 

[Solomons Porch]

The years we dated he only drank occasionally and never got drunk. Just a beer or two here and there. He was much more attentive and affectionate then as well. He told me about some of his issues from the service but I never really saw anything that seemed like a big deal. He sleeps with the tv on because he says it helps him not hear things (I never asked him to elaborate on that). However after we were married he was able to sleep without it and told me it didn't bother him. He hunts and fishes and says those things help and the way he prioritises them I guess they do. As I said we have had issues, he doesn't let me in at all so I'm often at a loss as to what's going on in his life much less his head. I am bad to read more in to his silence and distance and take it personally which doesn't help things. I'm more of a talk about what's bothering me type person. He isn't at all. Once just after we married the VA contacted him about coming in for something and there was money involved (I can't remember specifics) but he talked to me about that and he didn't want to go because they required him to have therapy sessions. He told me he had spent enough time in therapy and wasn't going. His discription of therapy was a psych veal in my book. Not therapy at all. I told him that and assured him that the two weren't the same thing but he didn't go and never said another word about it. He has only opened up to me once about something he was a part of in the service and it was awful. The only other person that lived is in a psych place. My husband was cleared. I had no idea that he was dealing with anything really while dating. He seemed to have everything together and was very happy. I can't help but think I am what's brought the issues back up some how. And if I am leaving would be the best thing. I've talked to him several times about us going to see someone together. He won't.

And I could be really wrong here......but Ima take a shot at it. Dont take this check to the bank, its just something to think about and consider.

Due to what he has been through, a part of him was "trained" to servive at all cost. And at the same token, he probably had to learn "not to feel" to survive. In which causes him to supress his emotions, and the only way his emotions can come out (even though twisted) is through drinking. I think the alcohol allows the emotions to flow much easier, they dont always show up (in men) as tears and sobbing, just me personally, I have noted they show up in "these types" of men, as anger and resentment, even though YOU had nothing to do with the reasons that he has the feelings.

I guess for him, since his life is not threatened, meaning he can suppress what he feels in a marriage relationship, because of the things he went through, which was awful as you said, he doesnt feel the need to fight for this, because his life isnt threatened......i hope that came out right, idk???

I think sometimes since we havent been taught how to deal with our emotions very well, we develop our own method of coping, not saying its ok, but saying thats just the way it is. And men are so different than women, to cry shows weakness. Even me being a woman, my dad brought me up major major tough, and he made me think and feel that if i cried, i was being weak. So if i got a spanking or anything like that, i would bite my tongue almost in half, to not show to him, that i was weak by crying. And as an adult, it tooks me yearssssss to let that go and realize (thru Christ) that its ok and when I cry, it cleanses my soul. I dont know if im making any sense to ya, but its just something to think on.......

I know you have needs and you need someone to talk to you, listen to you, and more than anything, that they WANT TO LISTEN, not be made to listen.

 

[Riot]

i am 33 he is 35. I do feel that he loves me, however much he is capable. I know the military trains people to shut off emotions and detach themselves. You would have to in order to do what they do. I have zero experience dealing with some one who was military so all of this has been extra difficult. I know deep down it isn't my place to fix him and I know I can't, not on my own. Doesn't make it any easier to let it go unfortunately. I worry about my son and what he takes away from what he sees. My husband and I don't fight much anymore, not like we have in the past. No yelling and screaming, and when we did have loud fights my son wasn't here. Now we go days without really speaking and longer without any type of physical affection. That isn't the way I saw my parents behave growing up and I don't want my son to think that this cold, sad thing is how relationships should be. I left my sons father because he was physically abuse to me and I couldn't stay and risk it happening to my son. He was very young (he is 11 now) and has no idea about any of that and has never met his bio father. All of that I'm certain plays a huge part in the way I handle and see things now. My husband now has never once made me fear him outside of the incident last night.
I was raised in church but about a year into the marriage I stopped going. It was harder and harder to put on a smile when folks would ask how things were and where he was. That's a horrible excuse I know. Also the church I am a member at has almost died out. I am the only young adult and my son the only child. I am a shy person and as I said I have issues with anxiety and going to one of the bigger churches here frankly scares the crap out of me. My husband went with me for a while but his work doesn't leave him but one Sunday a month off. We talked about God before getting married and he says he is saved. I know I have strayed and that isn't helping. I pray for God to lead me how he sees. I have prayed for Him to take away what I'm feeling if that's His will. I just want peace. For me and for my husband. My mind goes to leaving. My heart says stay. It was so much easier to walk away from a marriage when you're being physically hurt because you see the effects. The emotional abuse isn't so obvious and while I can see it when I step back I have gotten to a point where I doubt my judgement on whether it's really as bad as I think. I have always been easily guilted and soft hearted. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I'm too nice, or lack a back bone. Which to a point is true. I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague. I have been hurt by words and I have always refused to do that to others. Although in heated moments I have hurt my husband. Which made me feel terrible.
I stayed away until a few hours ago when I had to come home. He had no recollection of anything that happened of course. Said he had no intentions of drinking like that and didn't realize he was that far gone till he had made it back to the house. I didn't recount everything to him. Honestly I'm just exhausted right now after thinking so much last night, I didn't have it in me to go through it all with him. He says that won't happen again but even if it doesn't that doesn't fix everything. I did tell him he scared me and that he needed to go talk to the VA or someone. He had asked me about my plans for the house if we divorce and when I would start putting them in to play. Then the conversation went several other places, how he loves me, how my lack of respect caused him to change his attitude, and I have failed many times to express gratitude for all he does do. In no way am I wanting to place sole blame on him. Other than the marriage before (I don't call it that because it wasn't one in any way other than on paper) I have had one other serious relationship prior to my husband. I dated plenty but never lived with anyone. So I had a lot to learn myself about how things work and carrying the baggage I'm carrying hasn't made it easy. I should have been more open about my past with him as well, I don't know if it would have mattered but it could have. I only told him as much as I thought I had to. I don't like to think about that time in my life. I'm sure he's like that with his service time.
I can't imagine how all this must sound. I am not looking for pity or anything. I know typing it all out has helped some. I have a part of me that knows what needs to happen. And I have a part that still clings to the hope of a miracle.

 

[Solomons Porch]

i am 33 he is 35. I do feel that he loves me, however much he is capable. I know the military trains people to shut off emotions and detach themselves. You would have to in order to do what they do. I have zero experience dealing with some one who was military so all of this has been extra difficult. I know deep down it isn't my place to fix him and I know I can't, not on my own. Doesn't make it any easier to let it go unfortunately. I worry about my son and what he takes away from what he sees. My husband and I don't fight much anymore, not like we have in the past. No yelling and screaming, and when we did have loud fights my son wasn't here. Now we go days without really speaking and longer without any type of physical affection. That isn't the way I saw my parents behave growing up and I don't want my son to think that this cold, sad thing is how relationships should be. I left my sons father because he was physically abuse to me and I couldn't stay and risk it happening to my son. He was very young (he is 11 now) and has no idea about any of that and has never met his bio father. All of that I'm certain plays a huge part in the way I handle and see things now. My husband now has never once made me fear him outside of the incident last night.
I was raised in church but about a year into the marriage I stopped going. It was harder and harder to put on a smile when folks would ask how things were and where he was. That's a horrible excuse I know. Also the church I am a member at has almost died out. I am the only young adult and my son the only child. I am a shy person and as I said I have issues with anxiety and going to one of the bigger churches here frankly scares the crap out of me. My husband went with me for a while but his work doesn't leave him but one Sunday a month off. We talked about God before getting married and he says he is saved. I know I have strayed and that isn't helping. I pray for God to lead me how he sees. I have prayed for Him to take away what I'm feeling if that's His will. I just want peace. For me and for my husband. My mind goes to leaving. My heart says stay. It was so much easier to walk away from a marriage when you're being physically hurt because you see the effects. The emotional abuse isn't so obvious and while I can see it when I step back I have gotten to a point where I doubt my judgement on whether it's really as bad as I think. I have always been easily guilted and soft hearted. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I'm too nice, or lack a back bone. Which to a point is true. I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague. I have been hurt by words and I have always refused to do that to others. Although in heated moments I have hurt my husband. Which made me feel terrible.
I stayed away until a few hours ago when I had to come home. He had no recollection of anything that happened of course. Said he had no intentions of drinking like that and didn't realize he was that far gone till he had made it back to the house. I didn't recount everything to him. Honestly I'm just exhausted right now after thinking so much last night, I didn't have it in me to go through it all with him. He says that won't happen again but even if it doesn't that doesn't fix everything. I did tell him he scared me and that he needed to go talk to the VA or someone. He had asked me about my plans for the house if we divorce and when I would start putting them in to play. Then the conversation went several other places, how he loves me, how my lack of respect caused him to change his attitude, and I have failed many times to express gratitude for all he does do. In no way am I wanting to place sole blame on him. Other than the marriage before (I don't call it that because it wasn't one in any way other than on paper) I have had one other serious relationship prior to my husband. I dated plenty but never lived with anyone. So I had a lot to learn myself about how things work and carrying the baggage I'm carrying hasn't made it easy. I should have been more open about my past with him as well, I don't know if it would have mattered but it could have. I only told him as much as I thought I had to. I don't like to think about that time in my life. I'm sure he's like that with his service time.
I can't imagine how all this must sound. I am not looking for pity or anything. I know typing it all out has helped some. I have a part of me that knows what needs to happen. And I have a part that still clings to the hope of a miracle.

I understand how tired you must be right now. Im sure you didnt sleep at all last night or at least I wouldn't have been able to. I know what its like when someone wont talk to you and you feel like you are gonna bust. Its painful. You said you have a part of you that knows what "needs" to happen. What is that?

I am a big confronter. I mean if theres an elephant in the room, you might as well know Im about do deal with it lol..... That can be a good thing and a bad thing. I have often wished I was more timid, but God made me who I am for a reason. And it works for me I guess......Just so you know, if you ever just need to talk I am here, just PM me. Its no bother, you need somebody to listen that wont judge you and isnt emotionally attached to you, like family friends etc., not that I aint ya friend though

Give this a try, I really like them. Go to youtube and they are called Above and Beyond Christian Counseling, they maybe can just give you tips and ideas. They are very helpful and bring Jesus into their counseling as well. I also like Jimmy and Karen Evans, they are on youtube as well. They do marriage seminars and counseling etc. Check them out, ya never know they may say something that clicks and he may end up watching them with you, who know!!! I mean I believe in miracles too, i mean while ago i just tied up my unicorn for the night, but nobody believe me kidding, trying to make you laugh a little.

Im praying for you lady and you need to do the "right" thing. Its hard to know what the right thing is when your heart hurts. I will pray and ask God to show you. Keep your trust in Him. Ask Him to hold you at night when the husband wont, and HE will hold you. Trust me, He has held me many nights when I shouldve been long long gone. He's a good good Father, give it to HIM and let HIM work this out for you. Pray for your husbands eyes, ears, heart, mind to be soften by the HOLY SPIRIT and receptive to the love that God has for HIM. Im sure he needs emotional and mental healing, pray for him to be healed in Jesus name and I will agree with you. Bless you.....

 

[anewday]

So sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you left when you felt unsafe. I did the same when I couldn't handle my husband;s verbal abuse anymore. Things were ok before we married but after lots changed. We will be married 2 years in May and its been awful. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. Your husband's behavior sounds like its a result from his time in the military. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Praying.

 

[puregrl]

Been married two years. It's been rocky from the start. Things were good until we got married and moved in together. I started feeling more like a maid than anything close to a partner. He works a lot, 12 hour days sometimes and it's an hours drive to and from his work. I know he is tired a lot because of that and I learned that I shouldn't expect him to help with any house things. I cook, clean, take care of my son, do the yard work, wash clothes...everything. Some times I resent him for it when he spends his time off gone and I have no idea where to. Often he will be in bed when I leave for work and then gone when I return and I've heard nothing from him all day. I try hard not to get upset but I've told him numerous times that I worry when I don't know what's going on and when he has worked such hours I get even more stressed about him being up and down the roads being sleepy. I have asked that he just let me know where he's going and if it's going to be late when he returns so I won't worry that something has happened. Yet he never lets me know anything. I have no idea what's going on in his life. He was in the service for several years and saw and did some awful things. I know he struggles sometimes with those things. He has been lately, or that's what I assume it is because when I asked what's wrong and told him I would help any way I could he said that I couldn't begin to understand or handle the things going on in his head right now. He made a point to say it had nothing to do with me so perhaps that is true. However given that we have been up and down so much I can't help but feel like I cause him issues as well. He can be so cold that it's terrifying to me. It's like I mean nothing and he feels nothing. I pull away of course when he's like this and unfortunately he's like this a lot. So there is quite a bit of distance between us, or I feel it on my end. We have talked about divorce three times. Once he brought it up, once I did and the last time it was him again. That time it was over sex. It's hard for me to want to be intimate with him when I feel so far away and often used as he will go days without speaking to me then ask for sex and go right back to ignoring me. Of course he says he doesn't ignore and he isn't cold. He has only admitted a couple times that he treats me bad because I nag or something and he's showing me how it feels. Well last night he came home drunk. Big time drunk. Thankfully my son was at my moms. It took me a little while to figure out what was wrong with him. I called his name and spoke and he ignored me (which happens often so I thought that was normal) but then I watched him and understood he was drunk. I got dressed and gathered some things, walking right by him several times, before he saw me and asked who I was. He wouldn't give me his keys or gun since he didn't know who I was. I had his buddy come help and he got him to pass out and in bed. I left though while he was riding him around. I didn't feel safe being there since he didn't know me and I have heard him talk about hallucinating when drunk years ago (he used to be a full on drunk before nearly drinking himself to death) and so I was afraid I would be shot or something and should he have woken and wanted to leave I couldn't have confronted him for sure in that state. So reading all this I guess it seems clear what to do. My friend has told me to get out for the last year. She believes he's emotionally abusive and I know he is to a point. I've been involved in the past with someone who was and I see it. I just don't want to give up. I have held on two years and I keep thinking we will break through all this if I just keep trying. Last night though was scary and it opens a lot of questions and doubts for me. Is this behavior going to start happening often? Did I cause this? I couldn't handle it if I did and a part of me knows he will blame me for it. I know all of this sounds terrible but he isn't always bad. We have had good times and for a while it felt like he knew me so well, saw me for all the flaws and issues I have and loved me anyway. I felt safe with him, knew I could trust him completely and did. Now it's all a mess. I feel lost. Hopeless. I know in my head that we can't live this way. He has problems he refuses to see and seek help for. And he is right I cannot help with them. I have some issues as well with anxiety and depression. Together we are toxic. We have not brought out the best in each other for a while now. I just love him. And I feel like I need to fix him. To fix us. How do I let that go? I feel guilt for this not working, like I could have made it if I had done better to start with. I feel shame for not being able to handle it. I pray and I still feel all these things. I don't know what I am looking for exactly but there it is.

Thank you for sharing everything. I am glad you recognized the need to get out when it could have gotten dangerous. I know how difficult it can be to live with someone who does not seem to love you, and who treats you in such an abusive way (we divorced and I remarried a fabulous guy). Someone mentioned the PTSD, and how it comes and goes at various levels, which is very true. Something could have triggered this episode you recently experienced.

One thing is that you said "I have held on two years and I keep thinking we will break through all this if I just keep trying". You need to remember that he must want to change and try as well. You alone cannot keep this relationship above water.

Of course you are questioning things, those actions make you question who he is, where you are as a couple, how he sees you...
He may blame you, but that does not make his actions your fault. He is accountable to himself, responsible for his actions. One thing I had to keep telling myself is that I do not deserve how he treats me or makes me feel. He kept blaming me, but I had to remind myself that I never told him to hit me, I never asked him to call me names or throw things at me. Nothing you do deserves this treatment and fear. We all do things we regret, but relationships are supposed to be filled with unconditional love, reciprocity and understanding, which is not the experience you are having. I was fortunate and we did not have a child, but you have someone else to think about, someone else's safety to consider. You have said it, the two of you are toxic together...oil and water is what I called us. Just let me tell you, girl, i feel like I am talking to the me 6 years ago.

You cannot fix him. Ever. The only people that can fix and change him is God and himself. You have to keep telling yourself that. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you and your child. There are two in this relationship, again, you alone cannot keep a boat with holes up, when the other person is filling it with water. You have a strength you are not even aware of, you are the same person you were before getting this deep. Dont be ashamed because of his actions, or your inability to change him. Dont think that you have to keep all those emotions and fears in. I cannot tell you that you should separate. I can tell you, that if you are afraid for the safety of you and your child, you need to do something to rectify it until he can get the help he needs.