Lost

[soontobebride]

Things have gotten pretty bad. I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to. I don't know if I'm bipolar, depressed, or just lost in my own self destruction.
I am a Christian, and have been for many years. I'm 24, soon to be married to an amazing man, and have completely lost it.
Ever since high school I have had intense mood swings, mainly anger and depression. The smallest things would irritate me and cause me to react in an aggressive and mean way. I had horrible self esteem issues and hated on myself constantly. I would get into emotional fits and hurt myself. I would hit and scratch myself, cursing, and muttering things about how worthless I was.
As I grew, I healed and did this less and less, but its back and its worse. I am not only putting myself down, but I have been getting into horrible and nasty arguments with my soon to be husband (if he'll still have me). We are in a long distance relationship so most of this happens over the phone. I pick at the smallest things and cause a huge scene. I say horrible things, curse, put him down (which I regret instantly and then leads to horrible guilt and self destruction.) I feel so guilty and angry at myself that I then take that out on him and pretty much act like a psycho [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] (sorry, but no other word will work). I am hurting him more and more and he tries to help me, but I don't think he can.
Why am I like this? Why can't I get a hold of my emotions? When it happens I know it wont stop. I can't get enough air, I cry uncontrollable, its almost an out of body experience. I become this woman who I swore I would never be again. I become so wrapped up in anger, guilt, depression, and hopelessness that I just give up. Is this bipolar? Am I just an emotional wreck?
I can't speak to anyone else about this... I need prayer..I need to be a better woman for myself and my fiancé. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore.
I just want to feel anything but this.

 

[CafeRed]

I'm glad you reached out on this forum, and I'm so sorry to hear of the feelings you are experiencing. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now - from having a long distance relationship to preparing for a marriage. I can imagine why your emotions would be more intense at this point in your life.

However, the concerns you shared are some that are definitely worth talking to someone about. Have you ever considered speaking with a counselor? They would be able to help you sort through the emotions that you're feeling - maybe even get to the root of the issue. If you don't know of a counselor, I know that Focus on the Family offers free phone counseling. It's a good starting point and may be worth checking into. You can reach them at 855-771-4357.

Hang in there, friend. I'll be praying for you.

 

[CraftyTurtle]

Lost no more. Welcome to your new family! We are always happy to include those who need it most.

Question: Long distance relationship - I am assuming Military. Is this right? Do you know that you as a spouse (or soon-to-be) can avail yourself of military counselors and therapy groups?

Are you currently seeing a therapist of some kind? Are you on meds? I just ask because you sound to me like someone who is not on adequate medication, and needs more help than you are getting.

Start with your family doctor. The hardest thing I ever did was to tell my doctor of 30 years that I was feeling depressed. He surprised me with his understanding! Wow!

Your words sound very familiar - don't know where to turn, lost in your own self destruction, self-harm. Yup - been there. Most of us have been there. You are definitely not alone.

Please, see you family doctor, or even whomever you get in to see at your local free-clinic. (Oh man, I love my local free clinic - there's always *someone* there to talk to)

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Ariston]

I have suffered mentally for 12 years. There are no easy answers. It sounds like depression and anxiety. But believe me, if you were bi-polar, you would not be asking. The best thing, is prayer, Scripture, and talking to people about your struggles. If possible, Christian persons, even before trying psychotherapy, or medications. You need to be able to find persons that you can trust and talk about your issues and you need to keep busy, not over-think things, and try to organize your day. Try to exercise and eat healthy and consider psychiatric drugs as a last resort or do not consider them at all if possible. Keep in touch.

 

[Loven God]

The best thing you can do is see a doctor and let them deside what is wrong and why . Try to see some one soon .

 

[twilson24]

I feel like God has directed me to you to give you advice. I am in the same position. My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship and I find myself also going off on him for the smallest, most unimportant things. Sadly, it causes so many unnecessary arguments between us. It could be something as simple as him picking on me and I take it the wrong way or just get in a bad mood for hours over it. I know that it seems like it will never stop, but that's just the thing. It never will completely end. You have to find a way to manage your illness in a way that is unique to you.
For my fiance and I, he simply tells me like it is by letting me know I am about to cross the line and get upset. With him telling me, I am able to look at how things will go if I lose control and I usually see what the consequences will be and I stop. Maybe you should try to ask you fiance to do the same. You just have to be ready for him to be blunt with you. It really does help, though.
I hope this has helped and I am praying for you and your future marriage. God bless you.