Lost wife

[DiligentlySeekingGod]

I'm so glad to see this thread was moved and you're receiving advice from only Christians now.

And thank you for the update. You are still in my prayers.

 

[izmouse]

I'm so glad to see this thread was moved and you're receiving advice from only Christians now.

And thank you for the update. You are still in my prayers.

Thank you for the prayers! All this talk about DIVORCE makes me feel sorry I've stayed, she can't even see the pain I've endured, the destruction she's caused, and the effect she is having on the children.
Am I bad? I have a friend, she is a SANE woman who at my darkest hr was the one who reminded me to pray, she has been there for me when I think of ending it all (the marriage). She has been one of the few who have reminded me I am a good father, I was a good husband and I didn't deserve any of this. She has told me countless times my wife did this on her own, my children need me, hang in there for them. She has been the one who'll send me a text when I pray for strength, she has been the woman my wife has not been, a friend (nothing else, we are just friends, she is to be married, we NEVER see each other). I have to believe God sent her to me for??? just get me past this hard time? Be gentle, I'm new to this but let me know if you think she the Devil, or an Angel.
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

What specifically is your wife's list of medications anyway? What is her clinical diagnosis?

Can you tell me about how things were the first few years of your marriage and how old were you both when you married?

When did she start taking these meds and can you tell me what the noticeable changes were displayed by her after starting the meds?

What about the children? When did they begin "acting out"?

Do you understand that you are the "spiritual head" of that household and family? You have spiritual authority over your home and family. Especially the minor children.WHAT exactly are you praying every day? You may well need to "act as a parent" for a while and begin taking spiritual authority over them all.

Begin praying like this every day. Heavenly Father, I ask that you increase my faith, give me wisdom, strength and peace. Teach me all I need to know to be able to take my family back from satan. I take up my God given authority over all unclean spirits and cast out the spirit of Jezebel from my home. I bind every unclean spirit that seeks to destroy my family. I loose the peace and love of God on my entire family. I do these things in Jesus precious name.Amen

Of course there will be MANY of these types prayers needed and you will need the guidance and wisdom of God to know exactly what all is really spiritually going on.

I can probably help you figure it out but I would need a lot more information and time in prayer for your family.
God said His people die for lack of knowledge. You need to "know thy enemy" so that you can stand against them.

 

[izmouse]

The "meds" are well hidden, part of her secret. My wife came to me claiming to be depressed about J, I had been asking her if she asked God for help,( I was always taught to pray about everything, when I quit drinking I never went to AAA I just prayed and God saw me thru it, it took over a year.) and she said something about this was a ???? problem and needed something more, now mind you my wife was the smart one, I took her advice but anyways I told her to see a Dr about some antidepressants b/c our talks didn't help, she wasn't getting anything done by herself and I was under the impression it was temporary. Around this time K (her best, best friend ever in the whole world) left to another state for her husband. Jared started school full time and her day was completely empty. SHE WAS WARNED ABOUT IDOL HANDS!! I told her several times to GET A JOB, WORK @ THE CHURCH, DO SOMETHING BUT DON'T SIT AROUND, YOU WILL WIND UP CHEATING ON ME!! And yes you are right---problems w/ the other "J" start around the same time. It was kept from me and the family for some time, we were all shocked to find out J was on meds like the other J, she was seeing a therapist and problems @ school turned into a regular event. My wife joined NAMI for support, I asked if I could go but I was told it was for her only (I had no idea man #2 was there, her other BF!!) I noticed her new friends had some serious problems, drugs, credit card bills, self indulgence, DIVORCE, and loyalty issues. I asked her about this and was concerned they would be a bad influence- I was TOLD she was a CHRISTIAN w/ strong FAITH, I was the weak christian who should stay away from such people, I said OK I have trust in you, no big deal. Over the years things like divorce for profit was brought up, it's where we get divorced so she can get Gov funding for the girls, I blew a gasket and it wasn't talked about too much after that. I told you about the "Demon show" that was huge to me, I did tell the FIL and he was appalled. I guess life in general was changing, I saw the bad and was met w/ hospitality when I "pried". Never in 1000 years did I ever doubt my wife and her ability to handle the kids, in fact I was willing to die broke if our children had happy lives and grew up better than I ever had life. STABILITY was one of my major issues, same parents, same church, same house and strong love. I do realize now that love has nothing to do w/ not fighting, I would often give in in order to keep the peace, I WAS WRONG.
We were married @ 22&25, I was 25. I was a drunk when she met me, I got sober before the wedding day and have been off the booze this whole time. OK I do have the habit of a few drinks @ Christmas but that is it! You'll love this, as a child I would be dropped off @ church and expected to find my SS, I'd hang w/ my older sister so missed out on the little things. When my mom "found" God we would be dragged to one church after another, us kids had to "fend" for ourselves once mom hit the front door. Years of being exposed as the "new" kid in church and being told I was a sinner and needed forgiveness has put a bad taste in my mouth about church. Oh wait..one of the pastors son took me to a collage party where we got drunk (I was 14 or 15), and then there was 1 cult she was involved w/ later on that really put a damper on things for me to be the "spiritual leader". BUT before we got married we went and talked to the pastor @ her church, I explained I was a God fearing man, I prayed every day (not like you, I am a bit more simple) but have never found a church I ever liked. We went to church every Sunday, the kids came, and I still went. The one year 1999, I was very busy @ work and didn't go for the summer, when I was going to go again the MIL had taken my place and if I wanted to go I had to drive myself. The in laws have always been in our lives a little too much but they are supposed to be people of God, when I quoted "when a man takes a woman as his wife they are to leave and become one..." I was met w/ 10 different scriptures that made me feel inadequate. So I was never the model "Christian father/leader" @ home my wife constantly corrected me in front of the children, little simple things she would say I was wrong, I never had the training to know better, I hate to read, and I didn't think it mattered, if she was right and the kids knew the truth.....it was ok. I never realized the damage we both were doing. By the way, I can't spell, I still hate to read/write, I have never read the whole bible, BUT if you could see the talent God has given me, the things I can do w/ a piece of wood, the things I can fix, or the things I build off the top of my head, you'd be surprised. Not an excuse, I just was under the impression we build off each others weakness, I expected my wife to excel where I was weak. I never expected my wife to love herself more than the rest of us, I am a lover, I hate to fight (except @ work, I am good @ what I do and am in authority). I take the task he gives me gladly and do the best I can, this is about my wife, her walk w/ God, she has lost her way. I loved the prayer, I'll say it every day if it will change things.
The past 6 days my wife has yelled out DIVORCE and has threatened to get rid of me, I am just so tired of fighting a fight that is not mine, I want to give up, I want to walk away, my W has told me if I can't walk away she'll walk away for me see how nice she is? How could I do better for a wife than her? All I asked for was a hug and a kiss, 2 calls a day.....see how much more she's willing to do for me? Leave, go back to farm ville, put all the kids on drugs, and I will become powerless.
Sorry for the last few lines, this gets old.
izmouse

 

[paul becke]

When a person is abusive, either bullying physically or psychologically, or simply endlessly truculent in a dysfunctional kind of way, a very practical approach is the only effective way to deal with it.

Imho, continuing to assure your wife that nothing willl break your Christian spirit and love for her, as her husband, for better or worse, etc, has not been having the desired effect, but rather, the contrary. You should have been the one making the threats and ultimately, meaning them; hard as that may sound.

She seems to have a psycho-spiritual disorder, compounded by depression. I wonder even if her despression is realy a medical condition or arises, rather, from the former, and the drugs possibly having a negative effect ultimately for that reason.

If at a much earlier stage of her unbalanced behaviour, you had been the one threatening at least separation for an indeterminate time, you might actually have found she responded better if you had played that more assertive, dominant role in your relations.

We always like to try to observe our Christian belief by the book, and that is surely the way God wants us to at least initiate our journey, to think spiritually and look for direct spiritual answers to many of our problems.

However, my own life has taught me that while our struggle to constantly grow in virtue is an imperative duty, each element and stage of such growth is also a privilege. So, it's a paradox, like all the great truths even of physics.

So, sometimes, we must accept that we have to try second best, if best isn't working and even seems to exacerbate the situation. It's one of the realities of the fallen condition we share and the fallen world we live in.

I don't have the least doubt that bad language is a sin, sometimes and in some environments, relatively innocuous, but that we always should try to avoid it. However, once the habit of swearing as a release from stress is formed, it is very difficult to stem, and in fact, when I was driving in the army, I found that by trying to do so, I was having a series of minor accidents. I had to start swearing again! Now, I'm struggling constantly once again to stem the momentary outbursts. I usually swear, then say a sanitized version straight after!

I sometimes happens that 'turning the other cheek' actually goads a persecutor to raise the level of their persecution, but when the victim snaps and bawls him out, he'll simply stop. It happened to me a couple of accasions in the army. One was a big, bad, very unpopular lad, and when I snapped they could hear me on the floor below, and were in hysterical laughter when I saw them. Of course they asked me about it and laughed even more, because he'd kind of cringed.

Another example was, when we were young, my mother taught me never to hit anyone - at least unless they hit me first - my stepfather was kind of semi-detached so didn't have the influence he might have. Any it ended up with me bawling my eyes out because the boy upstairs, who was bigger and older than me, wouldn't hit me, so that I could hit him back with interest! I suspect it was part of my vocation.

My brother had no such problem. School-work wasn't a forte of his, but he had more sense in his little finger at the age of seven than I probably have now, and used to take of our mother's more crazy strictures with a pinch of salt. Street-fighting is an ugly, murderous business, but in the school playground, imho, is not at all unhealthy. One of my enduring regrets is seeing a lad in the year below us being bullied by a big lad in our year, with the crowd seemingly on his side, but probably acting from fear, and not belting him (the bully). It would have taken no great effort, as we were a bunch of cissies compared to the kids in the less academic schools.

The point I'm making is, don't eschew practical solutions, particularly in terms of psychology, which might seem less than scriptural. It seems to me your true expressions of faithful love come across to her, in her less than spiritual understanding, as expressions of neediness, even weakness.

Like a child, she's been probing your boundaries, push, push, push, and finding you will constantly yield, unwilling to impose any on her.

The rights and wrongs in the situation are relatively incidental to the matter of finding what makes your wife tick and responding effectively. I don't mean of course that prayer and your spiritual life are of secondary importance, but they seem to require complementary, proximate, practical measures.

You seem to be holding the rest of your family together, wonderfully. That is a great blessing in itself.

 

[Maremma]

Argh! I lost my post and have to start over. NEVER threaten anything you can't back up with actions. If you are not going to leave and file for divorce don't threaten to do it either.
I will have to come back tonight after clinicals in order to have enough time to respond properly.

Your prayers do not need to be elaborate. They need to be specific and have "bite" to them. The word of God is a two edged sword. it has power in it to build us up, heal us, tear down strongholds, defeat the enemy.
We are NOTHING without Jesus. Our authority and power comes from Him alone. Satan fears the word of God. He fleas from it. God gave it to us to use just as He does because we are heirs through Christ Jesus. I know you hate to read but you NEED scriptures to get you through not only this but life itself.
I will teach you more about all this when I get home. Just keep in mind Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Your enemy is not your wife. It is satan that has a strong hold on her. One YOU have been given the authority to conquer.

 

[Maremma]

Oh and I wanted to comment about you saying "this is about my wife and her walk with the Lord". No it isn't. It is about BOTH of you AND your children. It is affecting ALL of you.
If you really want help to try to "fix" things then you must accept that it WILL take effort on your part as well. I understand that you are feeling invalidated by the things she is saying and doing and it is natural to seek validation from another source but that cannot be the end of the discussions unless you want to stay exactly where you are.

 

[izmouse]

Maremma, what you say makes sense. I am a worker and have been willing to do whatever it takes, even being patient. I don't like to think of myself as being selfish but I do tire of asking for just a little back of what I've been giving, love, tough love and kindness.
The "bite" you speak of,.....wish I knew everything you do. I have been reading more this past 10mo than the past 10 years, I am not a slacker! My sister bought me a new bible w/ "mouse" on it, I was touched the family calls me by my given name. I have 3 books I'm reading right now and haven't touched the bible in a few mo. The one book is just on God's love and is VERY good. I have a picture of the wife's meds on file, I will post later.
UPDATE As usual, right before the MC meeting my wife will play nice, she'll talk and act like she should, after the meeting she'll have a few bad days and then be "normal" for a few. Today I came home feeling sick, (stress) she saw me laying down and pushed for conversation, I refused to fight but I did tell her-" I look forward to the day you go all grey, I want to make breakfast w/ you and take long walks in our old age." She melted and cried. She struggled to be nice but did come around after awhile. I explained we had issues to work out in MC so we can remain a family, there just isn't another way out, I am sorry." She took it well and I look forward to MC. I realize this is a process and as long as I see us moving forward I'll be happy, if I see her dragging her feet.....then we have problems.
Maremma, I want you to know I am a slow learner but am excellent @ improv, I do my best but this all takes time for me. I have been pushing the family thing for all these years, my wife JUST TODAY said "and I want to have plans every weekend on what this family is going to do, not just you and the boys, we're all doing something together." The same woman who leaves me @ home and goes on vacation w/ the kids. Smile, relax and just let the info flow, I can read and re-read.
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

Okay I am going to try this again now that I have a bit more time. I want to try to talk about the multiple issues in your last post.
I understand you were frustrated as a child and a young adult with not being able to find a church you like etc.I understand that other HUMANS had failed to give you a "good taste" in your mouth about church etc. But they are humans and it isn't fair to God to not seek Him personally to have a personal relationship with Him in spite of all the fallible humans we encounter.
In order to have relationship with anyone we have to communicate with them. We tell them things, they tell us things. We do things for them, they do things for us. If we don't read our bible it sort of becomes a selfish one way street for a relationship with God wouldn't you say? We do all the talking but never listen to what He has to say.
I understand you don't like to read but with God all things are possible. You could ask Him to give you a boost in the desire to at least read the bible so you can build your relationship with Him and let Him teach you, comfort you, tell you for Himself who He really is and what He really thinks about things. He very frequently uses scriptures to speak directly to His people. There have been many times that He has done this with me.
I know it is hard to focus on God and trying to build your relationship with Him when things are so bad all around you in life but that is when we need to be even closer to Him than ever so that we won't fall into sin (or deeper into sin) because of our pain, frustration and anger.It will only make things worse in the end.

 

[Maremma]

Okay I had to quick post that and go find a plug for my computer before it shut down. LOL
There is so much more to this life than meets the eye. We are living in a physical world in physical bodies but the spiritual world is at war all around us every day. The more we study scripture the more we understand all of this. God not only wants us to be aware of this He EXPECTS us to "fight back".
Doesn't that sound like an oxymoron? The same God that tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, forgive all things of all people, turn the other cheek, pray for your enemies, etc also expects us to put on our full armor, sharpen our swords and go into battle fearlessly. He even says there will be no cowards in His new kingdom!
I wish I could just "download" all I have learned into your head and heart like a computer file but sadly that isn't how it works.
Your family is under siege by the enemy. Satan is VERY crafty. He is not only after your wife he is out to destroy you all. He uses other people in our lives to "get to us". I am in a great deal of distress about your children but I am going to TRY to keep my focus on you and teaching you a little at a time and you can teach your children and hopefully be able to protect them while you teach them how to protect themselves and from what.
I will start by explaining why I want you praying against the spirit of jezebel in your family. Just as your wife's mother cheated on her husband, your wife cheated on you and your girls are at risk for the same sin as your sons are at risk of suffering the same as you are. The sins of the father are passed on from generation to generation doesn't just apply to men's sins. It is parent to child unless the chain in broken. Jesus bore our sins and curses for us BUT we must CHOOSE to renounce them all and "evict" them from our families.Satan LIKES us to be ignorant of the Truth. It makes it so much easier for him to "kill" us that way.
The spirit of jezebel (and she is a literal spirit that attacks us) does not just entice someone to cheat on their spouse. She works with other spirits to destroy the entire family unit. She works hand in hand with depression, fear, anxiety, self indulgence,jealously, rage, and others to come against you. It is so much easier to convince someone to cheat on their spouse if they can FIRST make them feel depressed. Once depressed it is easier for other negative spirits to take hold. It is all a "battle strategy". Sneaking in little by little.
So now they already tricked her into cheating. They start working on YOU to make you bitter, resentful, jealous, and of course you get the idea. They want to cause YOU to sin in response to her sin. (Who do you think gave her the idea to tell you to cheat and "even the score"?) The more resentful you are the less chance there is for forgiveness and reconciliation. Know thy enemy! If they can get a foot hold on you and cause you to "entertain" sin in your mind about this it won't take long to get into your heart and then consume you.

 

[izmouse]

6 days of hell and now she's changed! Cleaned house like the mess was killing her, called me twice, and was pleasant w/ the kids. She goes thru these "stages" where there is nothing to complain about, go figure. I know she'll be back to her old self in about a week.
MC was very good, we only went over our history, family history that is. My wife did go out of her way to show me and my family as drunks and "loosers". Time ran out as we got to her family.
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

I am sorry to say that it is not going to go "Well" at MC for quite some time. It is very typical for an abusive person to try to look like the "victim" to outsiders. It is also very common for them to try to make themselves look wonderful and justify everything they have ever said or done to hurt others.
Please try to bear with this "phase'" of the therapy. Don't think just because your wife says whatever she says that the MC actually believes her. You have to give the MC time to hear both of you and to work on processing what is really going on behind the scenes.
If there is ever ANY truth to anything your wife does say do not get defensive. As I warned you it is about ALL of you. Intentionally or not I am sure you have also hurt her and maybe never even knew you did it. You are probably going to have to be the "beginning" of the healing process and SHOW your wife how to accept her mistakes and faults as her own by doing it yourself about yourself. LISTEN to ALL of what she is saying.Apologize for things that she says you have done that hurt her. TRY to understand where she is coming from. Always remember that females and males are not wired the same way and so it WILL be difficult at times to understand each other even if you both had perfect mental health.
Try not to react at all to all the negative things she says lies or not. Do not let her provoke you into "fighting" She will only feel justified in flying off the handle and throwing a tantrum when the time comes you have to bring up the issues with her that hurt you.Show her how you expect her to act when it is her turn to listen and your turn to talk.

Do not "curse" her progress by even thinking much less SAYING she will be back to her old self in a week. The power of life and death lies in the tongue. There are SOOOO many scriptures warning us to tame our tongues.Bless and do not curse.
Speak BLESSINGS over your wife and family. Be THANKFUL when she is doing well. Let her know how much you appreciate her efforts. "Be the parent" and encourage the behavior you are desiring of her.
Pray specifically for her daily. Pray all kinds of blessings on her not "Oh God turn her into the wife I want her to be" Ask God for her to be filled with peace for example. Ask God to help you to forgive her completely. Ask God to heal your marriage and family. Ask God to make you a better husband. Pray the Lord protect her mind and heart while she is dealing with what she is going through.
Are you thinking "what about ME! I am the one offended! I am the one that is treated like crap! If you are then you need to be looking real close at yourself and asking God to seek you and see if there is any wicked way in you and to cleanse you of all unrighteousness. Pride is in your heart and you will have to get rid of it to save your marriage.
Understand that your wife KNOWS what she did was sin and wrong. At least her spirit and heart do even though her mind is trying to justify it all. You have already told her you very strongly disapprove of her cheating on you and that it hurt you deeply. Do not keep telling her or you will only make her "dig her heals in" to try to justify herself.
Your "bottom line" is what you MUST stay focused on. Do you want to save your marriage and keep your family together or do you want to tear her apart and be "right"? You cannot do both.
The turning point actually came for my husband when he realized on all levels that I was FULLY aware of all he had done to hurt me. There was no way to lie out of it and yet I fully and completely forgave him.
I WISH forgiving meant forgetting. I wish the knowledge could be erased but it can't. YEARS of him cheating with several different people. YEARS of him being mean as a hornet to me day in and day out. I always knew when he was doing something "wrong" because he would come home and punish ME for it! He would accuse me of doing whatever it was he was doing wrong (make it pretty easy to know EXACTLY what he had done wrong, it was like he was telling on himself every time he accused me of something) he would just lie and lie and lie some more to me and about me. (I actually spoke to one of the woman he was running around with. It was VERY hurtful all the lies he told her about me to justify himself to her. SHE was ashamed of what they did but he wasn't. He wouldn't even admit it after SHE told me the truth. Then SHE was a liar and all kinds of nasty things too)
Trust me when I tell you I was in PAIN and a WHOLE lot of it. Some of the things he would say to me were beyond comprehension. He would calle me all kinds of nasty names and tell me how useless I am and how I am not good enough for him. I asked him "If you hate me so much why don't you just divorce me and find someone that makes you happy?" He told me "Because I am not done torturing you yet"
I wish the hurt could just be washed away the second you completely forgive someone but it doesn't. Only time heals that pain.
If you compared my husband now with the man he was back then you would think there was NO WAY he was like that. He must have had an evil twin. SURELY it can't be the same man. Granted he still has problems but who doesn't?

I can honestly say that I really believe he loves me more than anything in the world and if it was down to me or him he would lay down his life for me without even thinking twice.
I am beyond well aware that GOD had everything to do with all the good things that have changed and God could only make them happen when I was obedient to Him and focused on my relationship with God and letting God do whatever He was going to do with my husband. If he never changed I couldn't let that stop MY walk with the Lord. I had to keep my focus on being more and more like Jesus. The more like Jesus I became the angrier and meaner my husband got.... until it broke through to him.

 

[izmouse]

Maremma- WOW! I was just thinking about how I'd like to know your story and there it is. I am soooo sorry! I couldn't imagine going thru all that for so many years. My wife has for years hated me but she was ALWAYS on her computer so I know she wasn't cheating, she was playing FARM VILLE!!
I am happy to tell you that when we "fight" it is her doing the destruction, I come back w/ positive things. I have stopped saying "because I'm not the one who slept around". I do point out that she is saying negative things and I am being the positive one, I ask her if she'd like to stop fighting and move on w/ our lives.
More about her affair- He was a kid in her HS, older, it was a Lutheran HS and my sister was her best friend. They knew each other, never dated. My wife played FV all the time, her parents, brother, sister, played, my sister and her in-laws played, they all played together. My wife joined a "co-op" and played w/ other players to advance faster. Her playing went thru the roof! She made friends w/ "Robber", her mother went to be "friends" w/ Robber and was instantly scolded by my wife b/c that was HER friend. I was into restoring old tractors and the boys and I worked on them all the time, it was my "escape" from J and her problems, I think I told you my wife would tell me she was "special" and couldn't be disciplined, in the house was HELL. The boys came out to be safe from mom finding something "wrong" w/ them and put them on meds. I have warned all my children about "IDOL" hands and have provided them w/ projects to do w/ me. 2 weeks before my wife goes to California to cheat, we are all outside cleaning up after the winter mess, I walk into the house and find the MIL and wife whispering, I ask what's going on and my wife says-"do you mind if I spend a little time w/ my mother before she DIES?" The MIL and I looked @ each other like what?? Neither of us understood what she was planning and what that meant, it does now. While she is in California she turns her phone off, the kids get 1 call the first night she's gone, then nothing...I am worried sick, I call, text, e-mail, nothing, I know she'll be playing FV so I join FB and can see her playing, I send her a PM, no response. I know how people who are running away act and could see this was bad. She comes home and I am crazy, she couldn't hear her phone, she left it in the car blah blah blah. Over the next 4 days I am on FB and see her and this guy Robber posting all the time, every few minutes for hrs @ a time. I look him up and find out he lived 5min from the airport she flew into. The gig was up, it was all clear as day, I only needed her to admit it. She lied about everything, I got his # out of her phone and I called on that Friday, he said "it is none of your business what I did w/ your wife" I explained to him if nothing had happened he would have told me, telling me it was none of my business was telling me it was personal and was something he didn't want me to know. My wife was on the phone w/ him when I got home, she wanted me to leave, she had no desire to get past her affair, he was her friend, it was her game, it was her life. 3 weeks later I had been living w/ him in my house every day, my wife kept a picture of him on the computer and would chat w/ him in front of the children and me. One night he posted "haven't been laid in a while..guess bad sex is better than no sex." my wife was crushed she was sending him messages back and forth wondering why? 1 of the kids saw the whole thing, I saw it b/c she didn't even know we were standing behind her. I called him, told him about the children, told him we had been married for 19 years, I don't think he had any idea my wife was married w/ children. I found a e-mail to Robbers sister, I was "the EX", news to me but I read several letters back and forth and the way my wife said I was was HORRIBLE. Her life was so off I had to write her a letter and tell her how life here was for real. Every time I contacted one of her friends I was threatened w/ divorce, she never followed thru, I got the impression she wanted to be caught, it was so easy. One by one she lost friends as the truth was explained. The last time I talked w/ Robber I told him I couldn't stay married to a woman who was addicted to FV and was going to divorce her if she didn't stop playing, he asked what I expected him to do and I told him to block her, it would help. I went further and told him I found her looking for 1 plane ticket back to him, it was a one way ticket. I told my wife I talked to him, she claimed that was it, she was going to file but never did.
I HAVE A JOB I NEED!!!! I HAVE TO GO.....BE BACK.
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

I think I may need a little more help getting a better grip on your family dynamics. Can you tell me how old each child is and in what order they were born? Like first child male 12 second child female 10 third child female 8 or how ever it goes. Are ALL the children both you and your wife's or did either of you have children before you were married?
You know the smartest thing you can do to start meshing the family is for you to spend individual time with each girl and start working on personal relationships with them. Again that may sound like another oxymoron but it really isn't.
As each daughter gets to have her own personal alone time with dad she will feel unique and loved on her own and it will give her "options" on how she feels about herself. It will teach her how to properly relate to males (before it is to late) As it is if the only parent they are relating to is your wife and all she ever does is sit in a fantasy world on the computer(avoiding her own children whether they are sitting right next to her or not) those girls are going to be extremely messed up in the head. They are probably desperate for her attention and affection and are feeling rejected, abandoned, "not good enough" and unloved.
Making candy with them is a really good start but they also need time alone with you. As it is now the girls are only able to relate to you as a "unit" You want either one of them to be able to come to you on their own whenever they need you. Even if all you do is take one of them with you for the ride to run for some milk at the store or something you can talk along the way. DO NOT talk about their mom though. Talk to them ABOUT them. How was THEIR day. How do are THEY feeling. What do THEY like to do. Help them become separate and unique human beings that have their own thoughts ideas and feelings. As it is now it seems they are "lost" and have nothing else but mom to draw from and right now mom isn't a really good source to draw from.
Next time take the other girl along. Then start mixing them with one boy at a time so they get used to doing things with their brothers too.
It may well make your wife go off at first. She is going to be jealous and afraid that you will turn the girls against her or any number of other negative things. Do not give in to that. Simply calmly explain to her that you want to be a good father to ALL your children and want to let each one know they are special and loved. Don't let her suck you into a fight about it.
Trust me you do not want to wait until they are in their late teens. It will be far to late and the affection acceptance and love that they were seeking as children will be sought by every Tom Dick and Harry that comes along instead....Sadly they will attract and be attracted to the very same kind of guys that will perpetuate the pain. (Another thing satan has mastered in bringing about in our lives) History repeats itself.

You absolutely do not want to live with that regret. My husband is a wreck over how his daughter behaves as an adult. (We had his mine and ours in our marriage) I will never call it to his attention now that she is how she is because of all the rejection she felt as a child growing up because her mom and her never got along very well and her dad ignored her unless she did something wrong then he ripped her to shreds. I was unable to undo all the damage that was being done to that child by her parents even though I was her step mom and she lived with me for many years.
You are your daughters natural father (I assume) and will have a far greater impact on them than I ever stood a chance of with my stepdaughter. You haven't run out of time yet. It isn't to late for your girls.

 

[Ps145]

I know she'll be back to her old self in about a week.

Right now your wife is .....

http://www.christianforums.com/t7531840-3/#post56736757


http://www.christianforums.com/t7535313/

 

[izmouse]

Ps145 The kids and I love that movie !! And now I can't think of the name.... Sorry all I am being watched, the time on the computer, the things I read are considered to be DIVORCE worthy. Yea, I wanna learn how to put this back and she says it's damaging, I have to stop or she'll divorce me. Here is a list of sites I look @ -this one, "Cheaters Chat",and MTF (My Tractor Fourm). The books I read are "Not Just Friends"," Crazy Love", and 1 Anger Management book given to me from my therapist. What does this sound like?
izmouse
ps tonight I should have time to answer/ respond THANKS!!

 

[Maremma]

Well I would guess cheaters chat is secular and not real helpful.I would well imagine the conversations there are just tearing down the other person in the relationship and not about how to work through the pain and build a stronger better relationships.That is common among those that are not walking with the Lord. You do not want to keep feeding the bitterness, anger, pain etc. That is NOT going to help you heal nor help your relationship.
Your counselor gave you an anger management book. I will assume that means you have anger management issues. That throws up red flags to me as well. Is the book written by a Christian author based on Christian principles?
Indeed if you have suffered from anger issues that is a HUGE problem. Again I am going to reiterate the fact that males and females are deliberately wired differently by God.If you have been treating your wife angrily or even just being "angry in general" when around your family it has instilled fear, depression, low self esteem,confusion and a whole host of other serious problems into your wife and children.
Again I will tell you that as the father you are the spiritual head of that family. How you act and react sets the tone for the entire family.Males act, females react.


I am sorry to have to tell you this but if you had anger issues all along you were setting yourself up for exactly what happened. In essence your anger pushed her to look to another male to make her feel secure, make her feel worth something, accepted.
You cannot tell someone you love them and then constantly be angry whenever they are around you. Actions speak louder than words. Anger in itself says "I am not pleased with you" "You're not good enough" "You are unacceptable" "I am rejecting you".

I lived under constant anger from my husband and I can tell you it didn't make "us" (me and the kids) able to do and be whatever it was he expected that particular day. Bullying people into submission to your desires doesn't breed love and devotion. It breeds fear, anger, resentment, bitterness self loathing along with a pile of other very detrimental problems. Being constantly angry with someone is a form of bullying which is abuse.
It is going to take a whole lot of time to undo the damage caused by that anger. Your wife is going to have to learn to trust you to act towards her in love instead of constant rejection before she is going to be able to respond in a godly way. Let this sink in. Men act, women react. Men act, women react.

When ever she says or does something that you are not happy about ask yourself "what exactly is she reacting too?" What is the ROOT cause? Her reactions are now ingrained in her. She isn't going to react the way you expect her to react by one simple act of love or acceptance from you. She is still in fear and depressed. It is far easier not to do something that creates a problem than to undo its effects after the fact.

 

[Ps145]

There are all kinds of christian radio programs covering marriage relationships right now. It's been non-stop the last 2 weeks.

 

[Maremma]

I also wanted to try to talk about the meds your wife and kids are on. I understand that they are dangerous to just stop willy nilly. I still would like to know exactly what all she is taking so I can help you understand what they are actually for, what they really do to your body and mind and help you to help her if and when the time comes she would choose to stop taking them. (I graduate from nursing school next month) Some are far worse than others and may make this process a lot harder because of the "numbing" effect they can have on your conscience and positive emotions.
I also need to try to figure out of you are also dealing with a personality disorder in any of them on top of the "chemical issues" Personality disorders are not "curable" extremely rarely treatable and so of course the ONLY hope we have is God. (My husband has a personality disorder)

 

[izmouse]

STOP!! The anger book was to show me the problems w/ my controlling wife!! She is abusive, I am the calm strong type, I pushed her into nothing. I am the one who has always repaired our fights, I am the one who always wanted to talk thru things and let the anger go, from the beginning. My wife is a German....possibly direct descendant of Hitler, we're just not sure....yet.
izmouse