Lost and Confused

[darknessb4themorning]

I have struggled with depression ever since I was a child (I am now in college). About four years ago I pushed myself over the edge and had a mental breakdown. Here are some factors that may have contributed:
- My dad struggles with depression and my brother struggles with anxiety and OCD. Perhaps this is something that runs in the family.
- I was homeschooled 1st-12th grade and had little social interaction with others besides church and maybe a homeschool co-op once a week.
- I tend to be introverted and think a lot.
- Through my childhood I read a lot of older Christian books. Many of them emphasized the wrath and judgment of God and taught a strict examination of the state of one's soul.
There were literally weeks on end where I would feel like I was being suspended over the pit of hell, and I did everything in my power to try to gain assurance of my salvation. I tried to repent of every sin; I spent increasing amounts of time in my room reading the books I mentioned above, trying to impress myself with the importance of salvation; and I cut back on going out, watching movies, or anything else that might distract me.
After I would spend long hours agonizing over my salvation in my room I would feel completely exhausted. Over time this feeling of exhaustion became permanent, and I felt like I was dying on the inside.
Four years later, I have gone on medication, I have stopped reading judgmental books, I have gone to four different Christian counselors to address my wrong thinking, and I feel like all of my questions and fears about my salvation have been answered. However, I feel like my mind has never been the same since my breakdown. I have trouble thinking, and this has made school very difficult. I know that depression can cloud your mind - I experienced this for years before my breakdown, but this is different. No one I know has experienced this, so I feel alone. My counselors try to address my condition the way they would a normal depression, but it's not working. I literally feel like I damaged my mind in some way by prolonged, intense concentration on my sin and God's judgment.
My life is falling apart and it seems I have exhausted every available option. Earlier this year I started to have suicidal thoughts for the first time. I also started looking at porn for the first time as an escape.
Right now, I am lost and confused. I feel like the only thing that might help is for me to move from New England to California and start a new life. I would leave behind anything and everything that would bring back feelings of legalism and condemnation. I want to be free and be myself. I have so much potential that is being stifled here. My dad grew up in California so I've been out there about 6 times and it is my ideal vacation spot.
On the other hand, I am afraid that when I get to California I will just let loose and throw God away. Other people are worried about me being lonely and depressed out there and committing suicide. Some people are telling me to go off all medication. Others are telling me to try another medication that may have helped my brother. I don't want to wait another month or two for the new medication to take effect.
Sorry for the long post. I would love to hear your input, especially if you have gone through a similar experience.

 

[Anonymous User_]

Dear friend,

I know some of what you're going through. Though I have not suffered depression independent of OCD, I do suffer from OCD which has caused me much depression and feelings of hopelessness. I often obsess over whether I am saved, and I often feel isolated from the Christian community because everyone in it seems (SEEMS, that is) to take every bit of the Bible and comfortably accept it with joy, never wrestling with doubts or feelings of hopelessness. I've heard pastors jump up and down, demanding that in order to be good disciples for Christ, we must suffer and sacrifice in radical ways . And, of course, the crowd listening to them nod their heads or jump in excitement.

I'm almost positive that what I'm going to say to you your counselors have taught you many times, but maybe I can help remind you or provide you a new perspective.

First of all, faith is an action, not a feeling. I've had many times where I'd accepted Christ as my savior but yet felt a cloud of hopelessness that I could not explain hovering over me, telling me that either I was not saved or that I was in no way following Christ to the extent that I should and therefore disappointing Him and ruining my own life. Often times I would have so much proof of God's existence that I think Sigmund Freud, a prominent atheist, would have gone away from me scratching his head, but yet I still found one unanswered question that seemed to keep Christ's reality from being a reality. I prayed the prayer of salvation over and over. I fell flat on my face in my bedroom and wept. I would ask my Christian mentors for reassurance of my salvation and for some explanation over and over and over. I once spent eight hours in one day trying to figure out how to stop doubting and be saved. Though I have never considered suicide, I have prayed for God to do the taking of my life so that I could be in Heaven with Him, hoping my burden then to be relieved at last. The point is, I was focusing solely on my thoughts, logic, ideas, and feelings. Faith has nothing to do with feelings, though. It is a choice, DESPITE our feelings, to trust in what little we may know of God that there is more we simply cannot see, and that He is real. We ask Jesus to be our Savior whether it feels real or not, and then choose to hold that decision.

Legalism is rough. There are many different takes on it. I fear you are getting caught up in the ol' scrupulosity form of OCD, where you fear sinning. Just know that as Christians we are expected to try and follow God's laws and be an example of Christ to others, but our salvation is in no way determined by our actions. When you trust Christ as your savior, the price is paid, and you are not condemned by any action. I have a friend whom I love that is an extremely dedicated follower of Christ who has been sucked into pornography. That person, however, still chooses to follow Christ, and therefore, though it is a sin and harmful to a wonderful relationship with the Lord, despite the pornography is still as saved as Billy Graham is. Of course, because they love the Lord and want to please Him, they are trying their very best to get away from the pornography, but their status of salvation is no different from when they first believed on Christ years and years ago. Whoever tells you that you must confess every sin to be saved needs to read the Bible again. Confession is a healthy thing to do that allows us to recognize where we need to improve and also allows us to return to a healthier relationship with the Lord, but it does nothing more to our status of salvation that eating a grilled cheese sandwich does. It is strictly through Christ's sacrifice that we are saved; salvation has NOTHING to do with us.

I am praying for you, friend. I definitely still struggle with fears that I am not saved! But I am passing on to you what Christian counselors, psychiatrists, and life mentors have taught me to practice, and any kind of wisdom God has granted me despite how OCD warps my thought process. I know what it feels like to feel so hopeless and desperate. But know that because you have confessed Christ as your savior, no one and nothing can snatch you out of His hand. Want to know someone else who suffered EXACTLY what you are suffering? Martin Luther! Perhaps one of the greatest Christians of history! He had extreme OCD and feared that if he did not confess all his sins all day and pray like a maniac that he would lose his salvation. You can read about him in a book that I am INSISTING you read, 'Can Christianity Cure Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?' by Ian Osborn. It tells you how Martin Luther, Saint Therese', and Paul Bunyan, all famous Christians, suffered terribly through the same kind of OCD you and I suffer from, but how they eventually, through surrendering their problems to God and through choosing to believe, used their struggle to be some of the most influential Christians ever! Maybe God will use you the same way! Who knows?

You are so, so very not alone! Know that I am praying for you and that I carry a similar burden. I pray that you will be patient and courageous with your choice of medication. I know waiting for the right one to work is difficult (BOY do I know! I'm not even sure if I'm there yet...), but you must think of the overall benefit it provides. Medication is so important! And even when it doesn't work as well as we hope ( as there is no CURE for OCD), we often don't realize how much better we are faring with it than we would be without it.

God bless you!