Losing Sanity... Please Help...

[missionary1]

You asked, Missionary1, what happened to me? You’re correct in thinking that I come from a Christian background- my dad is actually a pastor, and a very good one at that. I honestly wish I knew what causes me to question the existence of God. Perhaps it’s because I’ve fought all my life on the side of Christianity. I have a lot of atheist friends, and I’ve tried to help all of them at one point or another. My history is that of a crusading Christian. You see, I never questioned the existence of God because I was raised being told he was real, and I believed it as readily as I believe in gravity. Or Santa Claus, for that matter.

But to believe in something just because others tell you to is foolish. I’m not sure quite when it was that I “woke up” but one night I said to myself, “Do you even know what you’re believing in?” I had advocated Christianity my entire life, but did I really know what I was doing? What if I was actually taking my friends off the CORRECT path? How could I know? So I looked at the universe objectively and realized that there was no standing evidence that could convince me that God was real. I searched for this evidence, though. I read books and went to Bible study and listened with all my heart every Sunday, but nothing has broken through this barrier of disbelief. Until I KNOW what is real, I cannot advocate Christianity like I had for so long. I think that, in believing in any religion, you’re entering yourself in a very dangerous game. All eternity depends on the choices you make. The only thing I can sense by pure intuition is that one must seek the truth- it seems to be the only way to guarantee you’re doing the right thing. But truth has eluded me. I’ve fought for it, cried out for help again and again… Where to now? I can’t seem to get much from books that are out to “prove” through logic that Christ is real. Every time I pray, I fear myself. What can break this barrier between God and me? My subsistent hope is that God is indeed seeking ME out, but this is a rather scary bet. What can I do?

Our Father does draw us to Him...

You are seeking the Truth and I commend you for this! We all must question what we believe and why?

The answer lies in this. Our Father has drawn you and now it is your turn.

The day that you seek Him with "all" your heart, soul, strength and mind is the day that you will find Him.

Many times He backs away from us because of our attitude towards Him. We say things that we soon regret and He is not there. This is His process and He has a reason for it.

You have been tested and you will continue to be tested and you are falling short of the mark.

God did not speak to Job until the last part of his trials. So it is with us.

You are the daughter of a pastor and you especially are being tested. You have been taught what is "right" and what is "wrong" and you must learn to stand on the Word of God.

There are many sons and daughters of pastors who are rebellious because they were protected from the World.

It is time for you to apply what you have learned and move forward rather than trying to find something that will refute what you have learned.

Our Father has and continues to send me to pastors children who are weary of their journey.

Our Father is going to use you and you must understand your jouney will not be easy. Your dependence must be on Him and Him alone!

We are in the last days and Satan is trying very hard to destroy all that you have been taught. You are going to become more and not less than your dad. You are going to be used and your calling is assured!

 

[strengthinweakness]

[/QUOTE]Many times He backs away from us because of our attitude towards Him. We say things that we soon regret and He is not there. This is His process and He has a reason for it.

You have been tested and you will continue to be tested and you are falling short of the mark.

God did not speak to Job until the last part of his trials. So it is with us.

You are the son of a pastor and you especially are being tested.[/QUOTE]


Missionary1, please take what I say in a spirit of respect and love, but I don't think that this attempted evaluation of SignalFire's situation is entirely fair to her (also, she is a young woman and therefore the daughter of a pastor, not a son! ).

You write that SignalFire is "being tested" and "falling short of the mark." Isn't this statement presumptuous in more than one way? First, it presumes to know exactly what God is "doing" in SignalFire's situation. Second, it presumes that she is somehow "failing" this supposed "test" from God. I don't think, in such a specific, individual situation as this one, that finite humans with a very limited view of infinite reality have the right to make such definite pronouncements. We are not God. We can't always claim to know exactly what He is doing in every specific circumstance (other than working for the good of those who love Him-- Romans 8:28). He may be "testing" SignalFire, and she may be "falling short of the mark." Then again, isn't it also possible that He has sovereignly led her to where she is now, that He has her there for a reason, and that He will lead her out of it when His purpose is accomplished, according to His sovereign will? Not that I'm giving excuses for her to simply, passively "wait on God" to lead her to a place of definite belief-- far from it. She should obviously seek after God, pray, and look for answers. However, I think that it is unfair and presumptuous to definitely say to her, "God is definitely doing one specific thing in this circumstance, and you are failing in what He is putting before you." We don't have the infinite mind of God. We don't always know or understand exactly what He is doing in a situation. We can and should trust Him, and we can look to the Bible for answers, but to draw a definite conclusion that God is dealing with SignalFire as He dealt with Job seems presumptuous to me. Again, please take what I say here in a spirit of respect and love, from one Christian to another.

 

[missionary1]

Hello strengthinweakness,

I appreciate your concern for "her". It is commendable...

It is important for us to give Godly advice when we hear the testimony of someone who is going in the wrong direction.

You say that we should not presume and I agree. I have not and I stand on what I have said.

The reference that you have given in regards to Job is out of context as I was referring to God speaking to her after a trial has finished. This had nothing to do with me comparing her to Job.

I spent 19 1/2 years in the world after being called by God to preach the Gospel. I can tell you that my experience was most painful and if I had it to do over again I would take the advice that I gave to her.

It is true that many times we are allowed to experience the world and its ways. It is also true that we must be warned many times before entering.

I have three questions for you if you don't mind...

Is your father or mother in ministry?

Have you spent time in the world?

Do you believe that our Father sends people to us to warn us or give us a compliment?


Thank you and God bless you

 

[NewSong]

 

[NewSong]

You asked, Missionary1, what happened to me? You’re correct in thinking that I come from a Christian background- my dad is actually a pastor, and a very good one at that. I honestly wish I knew what causes me to question the existence of God. Perhaps it’s because I’ve fought all my life on the side of Christianity. I have a lot of atheist friends, and I’ve tried to help all of them at one point or another. My history is that of a crusading Christian. You see, I never questioned the existence of God because I was raised being told he was real, and I believed it as readily as I believe in gravity. Or Santa Claus, for that matter.

But to believe in something just because others tell you to is foolish. I’m not sure quite when it was that I “woke up” but one night I said to myself, “Do you even know what you’re believing in?” I had advocated Christianity my entire life, but did I really know what I was doing? What if I was actually taking my friends off the CORRECT path? How could I know? So I looked at the universe objectively and realized that there was no standing evidence that could convince me that God was real. I searched for this evidence, though. I read books and went to Bible study and listened with all my heart every Sunday, but nothing has broken through this barrier of disbelief. Until I KNOW what is real, I cannot advocate Christianity like I had for so long. I think that, in believing in any religion, you’re entering yourself in a very dangerous game. All eternity depends on the choices you make. The only thing I can sense by pure intuition is that one must seek the truth- it seems to be the only way to guarantee you’re doing the right thing. But truth has eluded me. I’ve fought for it, cried out for help again and again… Where to now? I can’t seem to get much from books that are out to “prove” through logic that Christ is real. Every time I pray, I fear myself. What can break this barrier between God and me? My subsistent hope is that God is indeed seeking ME out, but this is a rather scary bet. What can I do?

Hi There:

I am a daughter of a pastor as well too! I understand your search. I understand the bordering on insanity been there and done that more than once. It is good that you are doing it while so young to get to your Hope.

Living in a pastor's home is somewhat detrimental in terms of us kids--we are high risk but ya know what? God is great--because though we have seen more than the average person in church---Hon, start taking God's word by faith and remember we do walk by faith and not by sight or circumstances.

Draw near to God and HE will draw near to you.

Seek and you will find.

Hon, the best thing you can do is just start hanging on to God's Word and let Him reveal Himself as you worship Him and start taking HIM at HIS word then you will see HIS truth that has eluded you. I speak from experience.

It is easy to grow hard living in a pastor's home and feel free to pm me to talk about this. I am here for you as well as the countless others that have posted too. But perhaps from the pastor's daughter perspective that I can share with you from if anything.

Muffett

 

[strengthinweakness]

Thank you for your reply, Missionary1. To answer your questions, my father is not in ministry. He claims to be a Christian, but as he does not regularly read the Bible, share the Gospel with others, attend church, mention how God is changing his heart, or show many other fruits of being a Christian, I am not sure that he is saved at all. I greatly fear that he is not. As for my mother, she is deceased, and I am almost certain that she was not a Christian... and that is, honestly, very difficult and painful for me. I ache to think of her being in Hell. My heart almost breaks to think of it. I do trust in God's justice though. He is merciful to pardon those who trust in His son's sacrifice for them, and He is just to punish those who die in their sins.

About your second question, I have spent most of my life "in the world," if you mean in unrepentant sin and open rebellion against God. I was an agnostic from the age of about 12 or 13 up until 21. However, I have only been seriously living for God, with true faith in Jesus Christ, for about three and a half years. In my years of unbelief, I was very self-destructive, and in different ways, I actually went down as low as one could go without dying. Physically and logically speaking, I probably should have died at certain points, but God preserved me in my physical life. I had no love for Him at all, but in His unfathomable mercy, He allowed me to stay alive. Eventually, He converted me, replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, and saved me by His grace. For most of my life though, I was very much worldly-- completely lost in and blinded by the world.

To answer your third question, I believe that God is sovereign over all things, and that for anyone who comes into our lives at all, for any time, God sends that person. He sends him (or her) for His own perfectly wise and good reason that we may or may not understand. So yes, I do believe that God sends people into our lives, sometimes to give us a compliment, and sometimes, to warn us. I understand your desire to warn SignalFire-- with the sinful, chaotic, terrible life that I lived for many years, I share the same desire to warn her. However, I want to be very careful not say to her that God is absolutely, definitely sending her a "test" that she is currently "failing." This may be a test, but God may also have her in this place of questioning in order to deepen her faith, so that it will be on a more solid foundation than that of simply accepting what her parents taught her without seriously thinking about it to know if she really believes it. I hate to think of her going into a life of sin and indifference toward God (although it isn't truly possible to be indifferent with God-- one either loves Him or hates Him, even if one claims not to even believe in Him). I hate to think of her rejecting the faith with which she was raised. I shudder to think of her rejecting the only God who can save sinners from the penalty for sin and the consequences of it. However, I just don't feel free to tell her definitively that God is doing one exact thing in her life right now and that she is failing the assignment that He has given her. I hope that my thoughts and the desires of my heart are more clear now, even if you may still disagree with some of them. I know that we are both trying to help SignalFire. We just have some different ideas, perhaps, on how to help her at this point. Please know that I meant you no disrespect with my post.

 

[SignalFire]

I just wanted to say that in the past week, I have seen some things that could be the result of all of the prayers you guys have kindly been giving on this site. My skeptical side says it’s all coincidence, as usual. Yet I feel a bit more hopeful.

A friend (who I didn’t even know was a Christian) talked to me the other night. We got chatting on aim for a while before the subject of religion came up, and he was shocked to hear that I was questioning the existence of God. The next day my friend pulled me aside after school. We sat talking, and then he prayed with me. He was speaking in tongues so I had no idea what he was saying, but whatever it was warmed my heart a little bit. For a moment, it was almost as if I felt… healed. Inside. It’s been hard to retain this feeling. Hard to accept things on mere faith.

I hope this means something good. I hope it means that God is seeking me out even as I struggle to seek him out. Thank you for all the prayers, and I hope that my posts here can eventually become more positive.

 

[missionary1]

Thank you for your reply, Missionary1. To answer your questions, my father is not in ministry. He claims to be a Christian, but as he does not regularly read the Bible, share the Gospel with others, attend church, mention how God is changing his heart, or show many other fruits of being a Christian, I am not sure that he is saved at all. I greatly fear that he is not. As for my mother, she is deceased, and I am almost certain that she was not a Christian... and that is, honestly, very difficult and painful for me. I ache to think of her being in Hell. My heart almost breaks to think of it. I do trust in God's justice though. He is merciful to pardon those who trust in His son's sacrifice for them, and He is just to punish those who die in their sins.

About your second question, I have spent most of my life "in the world," if you mean in unrepentant sin and open rebellion against God. I was an agnostic from the age of about 12 or 13 up until 21. However, I have only been seriously living for God, with true faith in Jesus Christ, for about three and a half years. In my years of unbelief, I was very self-destructive, and in different ways, I actually went down as low as one could go without dying. Physically and logically speaking, I probably should have died at certain points, but God preserved me in my physical life. I had no love for Him at all, but in His unfathomable mercy, He allowed me to stay alive. Eventually, He converted me, replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, and saved me by His grace. For most of my life though, I was very much worldly-- completely lost in and blinded by the world.

To answer your third question, I believe that God is sovereign over all things, and that for anyone who comes into our lives at all, for any time, God sends that person. He sends him (or her) for His own perfectly wise and good reason that we may or may not understand. So yes, I do believe that God sends people into our lives, sometimes to give us a compliment, and sometimes, to warn us. I understand your desire to warn SignalFire-- with the sinful, chaotic, terrible life that I lived for many years, I share the same desire to warn her. However, I want to be very careful not say to her that God is absolutely, definitely sending her a "test" that she is currently "failing." This may be a test, but God may also have her in this place of questioning in order to deepen her faith, so that it will be on a more solid foundation than that of simply accepting what her parents taught her without seriously thinking about it to know if she really believes it. I hate to think of her going into a life of sin and indifference toward God (although it isn't truly possible to be indifferent with God-- one either loves Him or hates Him, even if one claims not to even believe in Him). I hate to think of her rejecting the faith with which she was raised. I shudder to think of her rejecting the only God who can save sinners from the penalty for sin and the consequences of it. However, I just don't feel free to tell her definitively that God is doing one exact thing in her life right now and that she is failing the assignment that He has given her. I hope that my thoughts and the desires of my heart are more clear now, even if you may still disagree with some of them. I know that we are both trying to help SignalFire. We just have some different ideas, perhaps, on how to help her at this point. Please know that I meant you no disrespect with my post.

Well spoken and I agree with you strengthinweakness,

Our Father allows us to experience the World. For some it is a short time and for others it is a long period.

I look at my experiences in the World differently than I used to. I can honestly say that is was not worth the experience gained. I would have rather stayed close to our Father and Savior. I say this with all honesty. If I were able to start over again I would not make the same mistakes.

Wisdom from God comes from God and not the world. Understanding from God comes from God and not from our experiences. Jesus overcame the World. He did not sin. We look to Him for sound adivce and we are to continue to be more like Him.

I wasted a great deal of precious time in the world and no amount of experience is worth it...

 

[Ryskee182]

sounds like your in alot of hard times. I know its scary but believe me if u seek God He WILL find you.

 

[Mayflower1]

[/QUOTE] It just seems so wonderful how you are seeking God, SignalFire... You are thirsty and if you keep seeking you will find your answers. Please don't forget that with all these books you are reading, the Holy Bible provides a lot of answers. If you ask God to help you, you will find the help you need. God loves you and He knows how much you are struggling but keep going because He also promises peace and life to anyone who has faith. First though you have to discover faith. You have to put away what you see scientifically and look inside your heart because the answer is there and the answer might surprise you. You are not brainwashing yourself if what you learn is true. Hope and peace is worth believing in. They are real and I assure you that God is real also. Best Wishes to you and I will pray that you find the answers that you are seeking. Lily00 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phillippians 4:13.

 

[vincejohn]

Get baptised and repent of your sins meaning do your best to stop sinning and God will send the Holy Spirit to you..'' Repent and be baptised'' Peter. NT You have never done this before try it now..you done and thought everything else Jesus will come to you in what ever way he chooses rainbows and colrs of living light and water will enter your heart..your eyes will be opened when you least expect it....Love Vince.

 

[stanneberg]

I read and studied a lot of Christian books to answer my "can I REALLY trust God" questions. Some were good. For me, the BEST time in my faith-struggle was when I put the Bible down. I didn't go to Church either. I was so sick and tired of people telling me how to live when they couldn't live that way either! There were many that tried to encourage me with scripture, but they really didn't live like they believed what they were reading and saying.

Now, I realize that I'm going to get blasted by encouraging you to put the Bible down and stop going to church. Just hear me out. There is an overall theme in the scripture "Less is more." I was thinking about Guideon. God kept telling Guideon to send men home. God wanted to prove that He was God. He did. The battle was won at an unbelievable ratio. I think about the verse that says "Be still and know that I am God." To me, its as if God is saying "Shut-up! Look around!"

Think about it. When we want to prove a point, we scramble for verses, books, seminars, etc., to find that answer. Even then, when we think we found the answer, how long will it be before another doubt will creep in -- and start the process all over again. Now, you can keep doing this -- you can keep trying to learn about God. Let me ask you, is this really working for you? Why do you want to struggle and fight over learning about God when He tells you that you can know that He is God?.

If you know, you'll never doubt Him again.