Losing Hope

[bomichaels]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and I'm glad I found it. I moved out to AZ
from Chicago about 6 months ago. I've been badly depressed since
I've been in AZ. My wife is here with me now which is good but
we are both unemployed. I was in HR for the past 6 years but hate
it. I'm trying to change fields with the hope I can hold a job for at least
a year. I've been Bipolar for over 10 years and take meds...I try to
pray in the morning since I have trouble getting out of bed. Everything
just seems so black. I get glimpses of normalcy but for the most part
live in the dark pit.

I would love to get back into personal training but the work is unstable.
I had an interview today for a pest control tech but not sure if I'll get that
job. Honestly, to think of working right now terrifies me to death. Putting on happy face, working with people, trying to do a good job...It seems that stable extroverts have it made in society and even in the church. I'm a guy with bipolar who is quite introverted. I shouldn't feel ashamed of that but sometimes I think people want me to.

I guess I just needed to write that. Thanks and god bless.

Michael

 

[Ariel]

Oh Michael. No, don't feel ashamed. Being bi-polar is nothing to be ashamed about.

I went through a dark time in my life like that too. But I am well today, and I believe with all my heart that you can get better, too.

I am here, I am praying for you. Sometimes our lives just take a turn downwards for a while. But it's a phase, a season. Just because it's black now doesn't mean it will always be. Things can and do turn around.

You're an introvert? Hey--I'm one too. I used to be terrified of parties and social gatherings. I had to learn to help myself so that I could make contact with other people--just as you have.

Thank you so much for writing!

I am so glad you're here. I am so glad you've posted. Please write again. I am praying for you, and I care.



Diana

 

[FaithfulWife]

Michael,

I agree with Ariel! My dear hubby and I are both introverts and at times it really does feel like the world is set up for extroverts to get ahead and appear "more holy" and all of that. But I would like to remind you of something:

1 Samuel 16:7 (New International Version)


But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

The Lord (thankfully) does not determine His love for us by looking at who we are married to, where we live, the car we drive, or even how outwardly beautiful we are! He can see our HEART and He knows our thoughts. Time after time Yehoshua (Jesus) taught that we should pray in private and that we shouldn't look at who goes to church or who prays "right"--yet as human beings we keep doing that and keep praying like the Pharissees did "Oh Lord, thank you that I'm not like that guy!"

The Lord G-d, Creator of heaven and earth, dearly loves you and created you exactly right! You are quiet, and maybe like to think and read. My dear hubby loves to think about theology and philosophy, and for fun we watch sci fi and play computer games together. Yep--we're kind of geeks and that's EXACTLY who G-d wants us to be. If I wasn't a geek I wouldn't be here on this site right now, and G-d would not be able to use me to do His work and bring encouragement to you!

So Michael, you are an introvert and you have bipolar disorder. You are PERFECT for you, and you are a valuable and dearly loved son of the King of the universe.

I will join with Ariel in praying for two things: 1) that you would receive some comfort and encouragement and hope; and 2) that G-d would put you and your wife into exactly the positions He wants you to be in so that you can bring glory to His name and honor your family responsibilities.

Please come back now and then and let us know how you're doing.


~Faithful

 

[Jeshu]

Welcome Michael!!


Hey great to see you around here. I hope you keep coming and will receive much support during your depressive times. I've been around for a few years and the forums have provided me with some excellent friends and much knowledge to fight depression.


Don't ever feel ashamed that you are you! God made you, you are not only beautiful, you are very valuable and dearly beloved by Heaven.


Psalm 21


Gerry

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hang in there and I hope you start working soon.

 

[bomichaels]

Thanks church. I really value you words and encouragement. It's hard to remember the darkness will pass when you are in the midst of it. Plus, it is also hard to convince myself I have value when I'm unemployed. I think it can be very hard for men since we place so much identity emphasis on what we do for a living. I know it is in Jesus where my identity originates but these emotions don't seem to want to agree with that right now. I'm doing my best to excercise the power of my will over what I feel. I know if I wait for myself to "feel" like doing anything that day will never come. Do any of you struggle with employment and wanting a sense of purpose in your work? Do you find you're in a job that is right for your temperment?

 

[michael714]

Welcome, from a fellow introvert and struggler. My wife is an extrovert so I know what it feels like to feel like the extroverts rule the world. During my last time of unemployment I dropped into a depression, so yes that loss of a sense of purpose makes an impact.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Sometimes I think of myself as unemployed really who just happens to be working a little bit. I have lost eight jobs in twelve years, just bad luck really, and frankly it makes me scared to get a student loan, because I think like if I go into a career where I just lose job after job after job, it will be almost impossible paying the loan back, and that will affect my job performance. The thing is no matter where I go I always worry about my job performance, but some how I end up getting fired. I work as a math teacher, and believe it is really hard trying to teach people math, who frankly don't want to learn it, and really never had to learn it before. You got to see how offended these students get I never have seen anything like it really. My students get so mad, and all I am trying to do is teach them something.

I have learned to not let it bother me, but I can't forget that, the deans will always like my teaching and will hire me, but about a third of my students hate my guts, and I attribute this to a difference in IQ be tween the deans and the third of the students that hate me, the diffeence in IQ is probably about 15 points. Trying to teach math to someone with an IQ of 90 or 85, is really hard.

 

[No_More_Carrots]

It seems that stable extroverts have it made in society and even in the church. I'm a guy with bipolar who is quite introverted. I shouldn't feel ashamed of that but sometimes I think people want me to.

Don't compare yourself with others. God wired all of us to be a certain way, to go in line with our gifts. God made you introverted and made others extroverted. So what? The thing you have to keep in mind is that you are a creation of God, and that makes you special and worthy of dignity. I don't want to sound like a greeting card, but it's what prepels me when I get down.

I'm no stranger to bipolar either. It runs in my family and my mother has it (she's tried to kill herself twice). And my brother, who probably had it, was successful. I understand the blackness. I understand the hopelessness. I understand the silent desperation you feel. And I understand the pain, that no one else seems to understand.

I know you wrote this in August, so I hope you got a job by now. But a job doesn't solve problems. With me, it was a great source of heartache. God will provide. God cares about your family. God has already won.

I hope this helps, brother. You're never alone.

 

[Sherry92]

Yes please let us know as to how things are going. I know what its like to be an introvert. I am that way. I have a hard time making friends. Its like they have to start to talk to me and then I slowly but surely warm up. It is hard.

 

[Jeshu]

Sometimes I think of myself as unemployed really who just happens to be working a little bit. I have lost eight jobs in twelve years, just bad luck really, and frankly it makes me scared to get a student loan, because I think like if I go into a career where I just lose job after job after job, it will be almost impossible paying the loan back, and that will affect my job performance. The thing is no matter where I go I always worry about my job performance, but some how I end up getting fired. I work as a math teacher, and believe it is really hard trying to teach people math, who frankly don't want to learn it, and really never had to learn it before. You got to see how offended these students get I never have seen anything like it really. My students get so mad, and all I am trying to do is teach them something.

I have learned to not let it bother me, but I can't forget that, the deans will always like my teaching and will hire me, but about a third of my students hate my guts, and I attribute this to a difference in IQ be tween the deans and the third of the students that hate me, the diffeence in IQ is probably about 15 points. Trying to teach math to someone with an IQ of 90 or 85, is really hard.

You know Doubting I relate a bit... When I first walked the streets as a youth worker, I couldn't make very good contact with young people, some, the 'good' ones, but that was it, none of my ideas were working that was for sure.

Over time this problem resolved however, I learned to talk their language and understand their way of operating - I got heaps further with many young people after that - even got 7 repeat offenders and drug addicts to work, and earn money doing it, for 12 months loosing only one to an armed robbery (because he broke his leg in a footy match and couldn't work with us any more so he did a robbery to get some cash.)

I understand you are more tight-up in your job with rules upon rules demanding.... but spending quality time with young people, have a chat about their lives, music, film, girl or boyfriends, whatever. Bend petty rules, but be strict on important ones. Indeed make friends with the peer leaders and you got the whole class at beg and call! At first, spend 1/3 of your lessons doing that (offer genuine friendship and be prepared to be slammed at first!) and you will get hard working students at the end of it - some wont - but hey you can't catch them all - most will - open acceptance and friendship works wonders and they understand you much better as well, the way you think and operate, that helps comprehension in the lessons later on!

Its amazing how many young people flocked to me after I assisted just a few of them, open loving honesty works the best.. However dear friend, fear of doing it wrong is a killer, wrong gnaws your inside out and makes you fail. Confidence in loving good will get you there though, please remember that.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hey There Gerry,

It is nice to hear from you! I actually had good student evaluations last time, I got to admit I thought they were going to be a disaster, but the students were okay actually with me. What I am worried about this quarter is that the students, could possibly, learn almost nothing, if I don't grade the homework and encourage students to do their homework and ask questions from it more frequently. Last quarter probably about half the class got about a twenty percent or less on the final exam. So I got the actually teaching good, and I am keeping from insulting students which is definitely good, but now I simply must grade the homework and collect it every single class period, and at least make an attempt to grade the homework, to encourage them to do their homework.

Before what I was doing was, assigning the odd problems and they hd the solutions to the odds, so they would hand in their homework, and all the answers would simply be copied out of the solution manual it, had to be copied out of the solution manual, because half the students got a twenty percent or even less. It was a forty question final and some people only got four right. So that is definitely something I have to avoid and fix, I can't let that happen. So far things seem to be moving in the right direction so it seems to be working!

Talk to you soon!

 

[bomichaels]

I don't remember how to post a new thread but I'm in need of much support. It has been about a year since my last post and I'm realizing
I can't live a Bipolar life without support from others who struggle the same way.

I just quit another job. That makes 4 jobs in the past year. Fortunately my wife works but I can't cope with life anymore. Today was horrible. The anxiety and worry that overcame me today was almost unbearable. We will have to go bankrupt at this point. I just can't believe it and it
is my fault. I don't have money for insurance so I don't have money to
see my doctor or get meds.

The worst part is the intense shame and guilt I feel. I don't want to speak with any of my friends or family members because I will have
to explain to them everything. I feel ashamed of myself and it hurts.
Why can't I hold a job? Does anyone else struggle with employment out there? This has been the biggest struggle of my life. I just don't know
what to do anymore?

 

[Jeshu]

I don't remember how to post a new thread but I'm in need of much support. It has been about a year since my last post and I'm realizing
I can't live a Bipolar life without support from others who struggle the same way.

I just quit another job. That makes 4 jobs in the past year. Fortunately my wife works but I can't cope with life anymore. Today was horrible. The anxiety and worry that overcame me today was almost unbearable. We will have to go bankrupt at this point. I just can't believe it and it
is my fault. I don't have money for insurance so I don't have money to
see my doctor or get meds.

The worst part is the intense shame and guilt I feel. I don't want to speak with any of my friends or family members because I will have
to explain to them everything. I feel ashamed of myself and it hurts.
Why can't I hold a job? Does anyone else struggle with employment out there? This has been the biggest struggle of my life. I just don't know
what to do anymore?

Oh my dear fellow struggler I can almost taste your pain, the agony of it all. I'm so sorry to hear you are where you must be. I have been were you are now, I had also attacked my family I found myself locked up in a mental institution. I lost all my friends had my kids petrified and my wife's family hating me for hurting everybody so.

Yes by all means stay here with us. It helps heaps to able to share and care. To see that others hurt more than you and are surviving gives much hope and is a good envi\environment for endurance to grow.

My advise is go to Jesus with your heavy load, He loves you though you did all wrong, He knows what is really going on. He can and will help you out of your times of self incrimination and teach you love and respect for yourself, other and Himself.

Please don't let those dark clouds frighten you too much, and remember that it is hard to recover from self punishing thoughts and feelings.


welcome back!

Gerry

 

[Biker Angel]

I'll be praying for you brother.

 

[bomichaels]

Thanks for your reply and praying for me. I just need to stop this vicious cycle of job hopping. I know Jesus cares but I still am under the law of reaping what I sow. Unfortunately, I have to face the consequences of my wrong choices. My wife has to suffer those consequences too and that is what tears me up inside. I am serving the church in worship this weekend and I don't know how I will have the strength to do this. But I have to.

 

[Jeshu]

Thanks for your reply and praying for me. I just need to stop this vicious cycle of job hopping. I know Jesus cares but I still am under the law of reaping what I sow. Unfortunately, I have to face the consequences of my wrong choices. My wife has to suffer those consequences too and that is what tears me up inside. I am serving the church in worship this weekend and I don't know how I will have the strength to do this. But I have to.

Please see things slightly differently,

If you turn with your heart to Jesus than the sowing and reaping principle is in your favour, not against you at all as He not only forgives our sin, He turns our wrong to our benefit in The End. That's if we surrender our struggle to Him and don't try and do it ourselves.

Keep your faith in Jesus focussed sharply brother, otherwise the constant turmoil of your heart and mind clouds your judgement in no time.

Please be on your guard suffering brother.

Psalm 6

 

[bomichaels]

I made it throught the morning at church. I had to wake up at 6am to
go and rehearse at church for the 10am service. I play bass. It was
hard being around so many people and after the service I pretty much bolted out the door. I didn't try to talk with anyone since everyone seemed so distracted and ADD.

It was hard shaking hands and putting on a fake smile since I'm so depressed right now. I fear tomorrow since my wife goes to work
and I will be home alone all day searching for work. I was so tired
today to. It is so hard to push myself to do anything. Please pray
I'll make it through tomorrow and find a job soon. Thanks.

 

[Jeshu]

I made it throught the morning at church. I had to wake up at 6am to
go and rehearse at church for the 10am service. I play bass. It was
hard being around so many people and after the service I pretty much bolted out the door. I didn't try to talk with anyone since everyone seemed so distracted and ADD.

It was hard shaking hands and putting on a fake smile since I'm so depressed right now. I fear tomorrow since my wife goes to work
and I will be home alone all day searching for work. I was so tired
today to. It is so hard to push myself to do anything. Please pray
I'll make it through tomorrow and find a job soon. Thanks.

Yes I always found it very hard to be in public, especially when people ask questions but are not interested in the answer, or attack you with your answer if it is negative - a real pain - as you find as well.

Later Jesus taught me to stay away from public places when I was very sick and to be bluntly honest if people ask me how I am and stuff like that. I have learned to heed Him and am doing much better all around.

Jesus pointed out to me that my depression was a sever illness and that other people when severely ill didn't go to public places either but stayed home. I have done the same.

I just get a recording of the services and can avoid those cold unforgiving judgemental and often hypocritical looks and confrontations. Indeed in my Church many have judged me a bad Christian because I don't lend myself to their spiritual bullying any more but Jesus loves me and the Church leaders have been much kinder than some of my other brother and sisters, that's for sure.

When I'm more able to cope then I will go back again, for I love serving God, and Church is a big part of that but I will not enter that place to go through my own private Hell ever again.

And yes my friend it is hard to be depressed and then to find work, and receive rejection after rejection or can't keep up with the work load when very unwell. Also I struggled for years, sometimes to extremes, working while sick, in the end I just chucked it all in and sat down on my chair learning to love and nurture myself, that took me years but I'm getting back up and am beginning to walk again.

To love God, self and other is the best answer in dealing with depression, especially ourselves for our sickness demands much love and care, for all good is constantly stolen within, or so it seems when down the dumps.


Praying God will give you the ability to suffer severely but yet go on, as I know you must right now.

 

[bomichaels]

I have a job interview tomorrow at noon. Please pray I would actually go and do well. I really need this job regardless if I like it or not. I could really use your prayers on this. I'm quite anxious and worried I might have a panic attack in the interview. I hope I can make it. Was very depressed today. I did make it to the gym but after that I was a zombie the rest of the day. Sigh...