Loosing my desire to live.

[Mankind]

I was saved a while ago, and since have done nothing but fight myself.
I deal with a deep self loathing and wonder how even God could love me.
I feel trapped in my procrastination and constant sinning. One moment Hot for God and the next sold totaly to sin. So then I cant face God and hide from him. Terrified of his Judgement upon me. Im not into anything that would be seen as criminal or Socally wrong, but in private desire wrong relations with the same sex, even though I know I am not that way.
When I am strong in the word I try to surpress it along with my daily sins, but when I am weak which is way more often I just let myself get lost in it and bury my self deeper.
I constantly feel judged evey moment of my daily life and think this is why I am punished with daily financial and emotional struggles. ( I know I am wrong about this. cos nothing bad comes from the lord.)
I feel like a failure in life even though I have such a great Family, a nice rental home and a good paying job. Which makes me even more ashamed to feel this way.
I try to read my Bible but Im not a strong reader and find it too difficult to understand.
In the night I want to talk to God, but dont know what to say to him.
And know that even if I do its only gonna be about myself, showing apathy. So I just lie there as my heart crys out and I say nothing.
Sometimes I try to think of easy ways to end my life, which I would have no problem doing if it wasnt for the fear of going to Hell.

How can I let God take control of my life and just let go if all I do is sin?

Thank you

 

[BlessEwe]

There is Nothing that you can do to separate you from the love of God, sometimes we get tired and need direction to see the Hope that is in God. I am in the process of finding someone to talk to you, ok.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

God will be there for you even when you are at your lowest point or if you dont feel him or see him.
Just have FAITH!

When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
(Psalm 138:3)

I'll be praying for you

 

[Criada]

My dear brother, God loves you so much
Your desire to please Him, and to get rid of what you feel to be wrong is wonderful.. and sharing the way you feel is a big step.
God understands, you know.. just keep taking it to Him when you are tempted... try to focus on other things.

If you are not keen on reading, you can listen to the bible free online, or download it as mp3 files.
This site has the King James Version as a free download:
Listen to a free Audio Bible online, or download a Free MP3 Bible

Or if you prefer a modern translation, you can download the NIV free here:
The NIV New Testament Bible on MP3 - Free to Listen and Download!

Remember, we all sin, and no sin is worse than any other. God forgives us, and makes us righteous again every time we come to Him in repentance.
Praying for you, brother
God bless you

 

[UnitynLove]

Here is another site to download the audio bible, click twice on the video. YouTube - Old Testament And New Testament Bible Audiobook

 

[Mankind]

Thanks so much everyone.
Your words are kind and show a Fathers love in them.
I tried to PM some of you back as I would really love to talk. I wrote down all that was bothering me then sent it to the kind chaplin who PM'd me but then lost the lot cos this site wont let you PM if you havent posted enough.
So thanks anyway and I will try some of those links above.

God Bless you all.

 

[MyHeroIsJesus]

I love you my friend, but more importantly God loves you. God has provided everything we need to have a relationship with Him. Continue to seek Him and be rescued.

Todd

 

[Azureknight 773]

Hey, don't give up there man/woman.
Remember:

Don't take a suicide as you might go to the Evil One's hands.

Think positively for God is always and will be with you forever.

Try to think something productive and have a lot of good friends
to absorb most of your problems in life.

and lastly:

Never forget to pray to God for strength.

 

[forumposting39]

op..try not to despair because i can certainly relate with deep feelings of despair and misery.i feel very downtrodden as well as of late.

i balled my eyes out earlier today because everything just finally weighed itself down so hard and it eventually came to a breaking point.

i want my brother to stop having these pointless parties that cause me to get hardly any sleep and have to drag myself through the following day.

 

[BobW188]

Take heart. You are in fact taking the first step towards having God take control of your life because you're coming to see that you can't control it yourself! Saint Paul - speaking of himself - wrote that "the good I would do I do not do, the evil I would not do I do." God seldom gives us instant righteousness - in fact, we seldom reach that in this life.

As to being unable to talk to God, don't worry. He knows what you want to say. also, check out Romans 8:26

 

[Jeffersoni]

We'll all pray for you..

 

[Virginia1957]

You sound so very much like me - many years ago.
I believed in God, I was saved yet my life was still full of stuff I knew God did not want in it and I felt very condemned. I found myself always feeling a need to get myself right with God again and again and again.
Please remember that God loves you just as you are. However I would like to share with you how the above situation changed for me.
My life was a mess, I believed in God without a doubt. I had accepted him as saviour and asked for the forgiveness of my sins. Not much else changed though. I was just doing my own stuff. I went to a church and a Bible study for several years but it did not seem to really change me much. However I did gain a great knowledge of the Bible in this time.
Then it happened.
My life was a mess, my marriage was falling apart, we were close to losing our home and I just did not want to try anymore. I wanted to die. I hated my life, my unfaithful husband and myself.
It was then that I really got desperate and I told God that no matter what happened, I would never let go of him. I said he could take it all away and I would still hold on to his promise that he would never leave me or forsake me.
I felt that I had been like Gideon - wrestling with God.
It was in my desperation and in my great struggle that God came to me. He filled me with a peace that I had never known before. With it came the desire to learn more of him and my heart was set on fire. I could not put my Bible down. I started going to a pentecostal church and I could see that the people there, had something that I did not - and I wanted to know what it was. I prayed, I sought out God, I desperately wanted to know him more. He told me to get baptised - and I could not wait to do it.
After my baptism, I was standing in church one night, once again seeking him with all my heart and I experienced his presence in a way that I had never done before. I have never doubted my salvation since. I have been through some terrible times in my life since (a divorce and the death of a child) but I have always known his presence with me.
I encourage you to take everything that you are to him, to let him take your life inn his handsand make you feel brand new again. Because I know he can do it.