Looking for some advice

[njtupmom]

I hope that this is the right place for this.

I have a 14 year old son who is no living up to his potential in school. We are always getting progress reports sent home that he is in danger of failing do to not doing homework or some project.

He had to repeat 6th grade because of this. It seems that we have been having this tug of war for the last 4 years.

Here we are almost at the end of the 3rd marking period and spring break about to start and I hear that he might fail math and english. If he gets any F's this report card he will have to repeat 8th grade.

I called the school today to speak to each of his teachers. 2 were kind enough to return my calls, one was out ill and the other has called back yet.

When my son came home I told him about my talks with his teachers and what he needs to do to fix the problem. I told him that his father and I will not let him go out during spring break with any of his friends if he does do the make up work that the teachers are letting him do over the break. He just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.

Help    I am at my wits end! I don't know what to do.

I am tired of contstanly putting him on restriction, but what else is there?

I know that he is not taking drugs or drinking. He was going to youth group meetings every Friday night, but we are now in the process of looking for a new church so he hasn't gone in awhile.

Does anyone have any suggestions. We have gone thru 5 other teenagers, but never had this type of problem. His older brother and sisters tell him that he is missing out by not doing his work. And that when he does get to high school he will be so much older then everyone else in 9th grade. I even told him that his father and I wouldn't be on his back so much if he would just do his school work. 95% of our problems with him are school related.

Sorry this is so long.

I am open to any and all thoughts at this point.

Please say a pray for him. And for us too.

We want to be understanding parents, but I think I am past the understanding part. 

Thank you for any help or suggestions.

God Bless

Lynn

 

[JillLars]

I don't know for sure what to tell you Lynn, but maybe you could set aside an hour or two a night, and you and/or your husband could sit down with your son while he does his homework. You can do any work that you have to do (paying bills, reading, ect.) Then, if he feels tempted to goof around it will be tougher to do cause you'll be sitting right there, plus, if he has questions or is stuck, you can help him and he won't give up as easily. I didn't do a lot of homework when I was in highschool, and I never really needed to study, but boy did that change when I got to college. In college there isn't anyone to tell you to study and if you don't, and you fail a class, you lose hundreds of dollars that you paid for that class...(I think parents should have their kids pay for some or all of their college so they can learn this like I did, its different when its their money) Anyhoo, he probably just gets stuck on the stuff and give up, if you sit with him and provide help then he won't be as ready to give up (maybe). Good Luck, I will be praying for you!

 

[hollygirl]

You say he's "not living up to his potential." I assume you believe he has the ability to do better and lacks the motivation. That could possibly be. Consider this though. If you've been struggling with him over this for four years maybe it's time to try a new approach. Simple, maybe he needs his eyes or hearing checked. Not so simple, you might want to take him and get him professionally tested for a learning disability. Learning disabilities are very easy to cover up if one can get past actually doing their work or if they are relatively minor. Maybe he doesn't completely understand or retain the math and english work he's supposed to be doing. The problem could be as small as a minor memory problem to as difficult as dislexia. It could also possibly be that he just has a hard time learning the way his teachers are teaching. It's worth the test. I know.

 

[CeCe]

Sounds very similar to something I went through a few years ago with my son. He was right around the same age. I was so frustrated I felt like screaming most of the time. He would not only shrug his shoulders but LAUGH.

His dad and I took him to the doctor who diagnosed him as ADHD. His doctor put him on Adderal and gradually things got better. Not that medication is always the way to go, but it worked for him. He's a junior in HS now and a really great kid. He's still a teenager

You're in my prayers. 

 

[Beckijhn]

That's a hard one. Have you considered homeschooling him for a year or so to see where his problems are and why? It's not for everyone, but might be worth a shot. My kid brother had problems in school but sailed through homeschool and the police academy and is taking classes to complete his Bachelors. (and is a man in uniform!!!)

I school my three and have one with slight learning disabilities. I say slight because they are slight to us, we work on them and around them and she excells in many subjects. In the pub schl system they are major LD and would determine her 'intelligence' and her 'level' in school.

A basic course that will allow his credits to trasfer back into public school (without a huge fight and documentation ~smile~) is American High School.

 

[njtupmom]

Thank you for your suggestions.

We have had him tested(not for ADHD) but for intelligence by a Dr other then the standrdized tests given by the school. He has scored in the top 98% of the country on these tests.

I think it comes down to him be lazy sometimes and other times I think he is looking for attention either positive or negative.

We have told him that by improving his marks and attitude towards school will let him do more things with his friends, we have even taken away allowance(boy did he groan), but nothing seems to set in.

This morning he got up and said oh I forgot to do my science project. Here he is at 6:30 in the morning on the internet looking up things and printing out pictures and typing a report.

I feel like a failure sometimes. We have 8 children 5 older then him and 2 younger and he is the only one who has given us so much trouble with school. Each one has caused me grey hairs, but I am almost bald with pulling out the hair over this.

He is a good kid and I hate to see him waste the God given talents that he has.

I sorry that I seem to be rambling. I am just so confused.

He does have his yearly Dr. exam next month, I think I will talk to him again and see what he suggests this time. I know if we took him for counceling he would just sit there and not talk and I would be paying for him to stare at the Dr.

Thank you again for the advice and the prayers.

Lynn

 

[CeCe]

You are not a failure. Sometimes despite our best efforts, they want to do it their way. We can't make them be the person we know in our hearts they are capable of being. And that's heartbreaking for us.

When I was having a problem with my son, it was like he was standing on a railroad track with a train coming toward him and no matter what I said or did, he refused to move. It's a frustration that you almost can't put into words. But he did eventually come around and his behavior and attitude have greatly improved. He has goals now. Just keep loving him and being there for him. Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[straightforward]

I'm having this very thing happen with my 10 yr old. We've been struggling with getting homework done for 3 years now. (There are other things involved like a bio-mom that's telling him that if he lived with her she wouldn't make him do his homework like we do...so things are a little different here.) We ended up keeping a very close eye on what he had to do for the night and making sure he had everything home to do it. He has an 'agenda' (which is basically an over-done notebook...like a planner) that he has to write his homework in every day so we know what he has to do. We also have the advantage of a homework hotline at school so we can call and compare what he says is homework and what really is. When he forgets his homework or something he needs to get his homework done he gets sent to his room for the night (this might not work as well for a teenager because he might actually enjoy that!). He has to sit down and do his homework every night and can't do anything else until he has it done and we have checked to make sure it is done. Projects that are not due the next day (like when they give it on Monday and it's due Friday) get done the night they are assigned...depending on length- if they're really long we let him do a little each night but he's learning it's better to just get it done that night. I must admit we feel like drill sergants but we put the responsibility back on him. He's to that point where he thinks he's old enough to handle other things...so we point out that he has to handle his responsibilities before he can have other 'young adult' privilages. We also have a pay system at the end of the school year where we spend most of a paycheck paying for grades...this is the incentive! We know our son isn't living up to his potential because he's getting really good grades on all of the tests and papers he does at school. It's just a power play...so we give him the power to do it right.
I started not doing my homework when I was in Jr. High...it was a really messed up time for me. I knew I was smart...and of course thought I was smarter than the teachers or my peers...I didn't feel like I had to waste my time on homework...I didn't have to prove anything to anyone because I didn't care what they thought...rebellion always feels like freedom until you grow up and realize how easy it would have been to just do the stupid homework! My husband and I talk alot about how we would love to be back in school again...it's so much easier than being a grown up! I never would have thought that when I actually was in school because I thought I already was a grown up!

Pray!!!...things will work out. And, if there is any possibility that your son is just pushing your buttons to get a negative reaction (which would mean a power play) don't allow those buttons to be pushed. It took us a long time but we have pretty much mastered the calm cool response, 'that button is not available at this time...'

 

[GINGER]

I'm amazed, because I have a teenager  that think he's grown.  He don't want to do his classwork, much less home-work.  Thanks for the homework hotline tip.  I can really use this.  He has a conduct sheet with homework assigned, but he always claim that's this or that and never get anything done.  He's subjected to chores he don't like and everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING! has been taken from him such as ps station II, tv, computer, and he has not change his tone yet!

Also thanks for the tip about the negative-or panic buttons.

My husband and I can only pray.

I'm open also for more . 

 

[fairyshyone]

I also am going through this with my 9 year old daughter. She is extremely smart but just cant seem to get the words on paper. We have decided to keep her back this year and her teacher is even tutoring her twice a week. Her grades are comeing back up but she is also doing most of her papers orally now. We are also going to have her tested to see if there are some underlying problems that we havent considered.

 

[straightforward]

I'm amazed, because I have a teenager that think he's grown. He don't want to do his classwork, much less home-work. Thanks for the homework hotline tip. I can really use this. He has a conduct sheet with homework assigned, but he always claim that's this or that and never get anything done. He's subjected to chores he don't like and everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING! has been taken from him such as ps station II, tv, computer, and he has not change his tone yet!

Oh...another thing we tried was having him write sentences. (We tried to increase the number each time but that got to be harder on us than it was on him!) This especially worked on 'forgetting' something at school that was needed for homework...or the work itself. We made sure to tell him that if he thought he could get away with 'forgetting' his homework (it was getting very blattent) then he was choosing to write sentences instead. Often times the homework was easier than the sentences. Putting the power back to him was important...he had the power to choose homework or sentences. That was the law and if he choose to break it he was choosing the consequence. And he still had to do the homework the next night.
We also have him bring home homework he has done in class. We have to see all homework that is assigned.

 

[gwyyn]

My sisternlaw had a problem like this with her son. She took him to the local Sylvian learning center and had him tested. Turns out he's reading and writing at 2 grade levels ahead of his classmates, so he was bored with his current classwork. MY sisnlwa talked to his teachers and I'm not sure what all they are doing, but he is doing lot's better in school.

Guess we should of known he was to smart for his age, when at 3 he would call us on the carpet for not listening to him.

 

[njtupmom]

When I started this thread I thought that we were the only ones going thru this, but now I see that there are lots of us.

My sons school does provide an adgenda book for them to use, but he always claims that he left it in school(how can that be when it is suppose to be put in a 3 ring binder)!!!!!!  

We get progress reports sent to us half way thru each semester, we will have a talk with him and thinks are ok for a few days and then it's back to no homework again. The excuses are always we didn't have any, or I did in school. The new one is homework club which supposedly meets on wednesday afternoons.(funny this is the first we have heard of a homework club in all the time he has been going to this school)

Last week when I called the school to get a list of missing assignments so he can do them over spring break this week only 2 of his teacher returned my call. Now here I am trying to reach out to them to help him make up the work and they couldn't take a minute or two to return my call. His marking period ends on April 11th and if he is missing any work he is in jeopardy of failing. He already has an F in each of the first 2 marking periods one more and he has to repeat the grade. That is how he had to repeat 6th.

He worked on all of his math and english make up work yesterday. It took him about 2 1/2 hours and I said to him wouldn't it be easier to do this on a nighly basis then all at once and he just shrugged the shoulders and said yeah I guess so! AAAHHH!! Pulling hair out time again!

Thank you so much for the prayers and the suggestions. I will be praying for all of you too.

Take care and God Bless

Lynn

 

 

[CeCe]

Still praying for you, Lynn.

 

[njtupmom]

Thank you CeCe!!

I think we have hit on something. My husband decided to take away playtime(I shouldn't call it that for a teenager) when our son doesn't do what he has been told. It works for home chores and also school work. So far for home chores he has most of what he was told to do. He is off for spring break, so we will have to see how it goes next week. We know that he likes to go across the street and play computer games with a friend and he is learning to burn CD's so I know he doesn't want to lose his out of the house time.

   Maybe we have something. I will let you know how it continues to go.

Gotta run and do the housework.

Talk to you soon

Take care and God Bless

Lynn