Looking for Answers...Guidance

[lostnj]

I know ultimately that I am the only one who has to make a decision on this topic(group of topics) However I would appreciate some guidance.

I have been married for 7 going on 8 years this month to a wonderful woman who I adore. Around our 3-4 year mark my wife asked me what about adopting an older child. (we had not/ have not tried to conceive) To this I was very upset. Never during our dating had the topic of having children ever include adopting... I always thought we would have our own biological children someday. I was beside myself.

Has anyone on had this type of experience? Do you know of anyone who has adopted vs having their own biological child?

Her reasoning for this is that she does not feel she could emotionally handle an infant, which I could understand the stresses that a woman has to endure....

When this came up she mentioned that she would understand if I wanted to get a divorce that it would bother her however she would understand since this was something that she would not be able to give me.

I do not want to get a divorce since I do not believe in it...Everything happens for a reason, I'm just trying to figure out why this had happened to me. What is God's intention? While at the same time I'm wondering if I would want to adopt, would I be alright with not knowing if we could have had our own biological children...

I look forward to your responses...

 

[iamjcs]

Pray about it as I will be doing.

Though this has never happened to me, I know of a number of people who have adopted & then had their own kids or decided they wanted just those kids whom they'd grown to love as if they were their own.

I heard just this month that there are about 100,000 children needing foster parents, this does not include those needing adoption.

Think what blessings & love you could give this child in need.

Then if you still want your own, she may feel more comfortable with it then than now.

 

[Gerry_NY]

Pray about it as I will be doing.

Though this has never happened to me, I know of a number of people who have adopted & then had their own kids or decided they wanted just those kids whom they'd grown to love as if they were their own.

I heard just this month that there are about 100,000 children needing foster parents, this does not include those needing adoption.

Think what blessings & love you could give this child in need.

Then if you still want your own, she may feel more comfortable with it then than now.

I agree with you on this one.

 

[country woman]

I was a foster child. I was raised by loving Christian foster parents who loved me like there own. I am a well adjusted adult. I cared for both of my mom and dad until they died

 

[country woman]

all of us kids were raised in adoptive families except our youngest sister.
we just met last winter. Now we have to make up for lost time.

 

[Jesla]

There are many, MANY older children who desperately need parents. I know a few people who have adopted children and infants, and loved it. There are different agencies, including Christian adoption agencies, that you can go through. It could be a real blessing to a child and to your family, if you decided to do this.

 

[Christopher1020]

Maybe I am a little late on this one, but I think you may need to go to some pastoral counseling with your wife. It is a big decision to give up having any of your biological children. And raising an infant is the easiest part, not even close to the most stressful. I even asked my wife. She had three really rough pregnacies, the last ended with a total of four kids and a hystorectomy and she would love to be pregnant again.

To me it sounds like your wife may have heard too many horror stories about pregnacy and infants. Have you sat and together looked at real examples of the birthing and 1st years? Why does she think she couldn't handel it? Don't tell me, but instead try to reassure her of how wonderful a mom she is going to be either way.

Perhaps God has given you to her so she doesn't miss out on the joy of being pregnant, or perhaps your faith is to be tested even as Abrahams was. What's more important to you God's love of marrige or your biological inheritance? His will is hard to see.

Still I think that if she is not willing to have your children then adoption is a perfect solution. But leave biological children on the table. Ask her to adopt first and when she has mothrehood experince then revisit the dicussion in say three years. Just think of it like this; if she was unable to have your children would you be willing to adopt? Then in love and in charity for that love, whats really the differnce? Your will, not His.

 

[414justinTIME]

It seems like she is not ready to be a parent. I would suggest seeing a counselor or at least have a long detailed discussion about this subject.

I am like you, when my wife brought up adoption after having a couple of miscarriages, I didn't like the idea. I wanted my own children. That line of thought made me feel selfish knowing there are many children out there who need a good home. We ended up having 2 kids of our own and I love the fact that they have the looks and traits of my wife and me. That said, I am sure I could have been ok with adoption if that is what it would have taken to be a parent.

Sounds like you have some soul searching to do with your wife. Good Luck

 

[loved33]

you know, it really sounds hard for you. it must feel very difficult at times. you sound like you'd never want to hurt your wife and yet at the same time the very thing you really want to make you happy, she avidly doesnt. i think the overiding advice that others have given is good, maybe a third party to hear you both out at some stage, some one impartial but trusted like a counsellor or a leader who wont put on you any of their own 'shoulds', but who'll just let you both each have your say, and listen to you both. really listen.so you can hear each other clearly 2 as they are listening to you. someone calm and full of wisdom, who you both feel comfotable talking with. I have a friend quite a bit older than me,who all thru her 20's, 30's and 4 years of her 40's said she 'd never have a child. its funny cos when i prayed for her, I'd always get this sense of her with a baby. i once mentioned it to her and it so upset her i never mentioned it again.when she was 44 she conceived and she is NOW sooo happy being a mother, really. you'd think she'd been 2 different people. just different times. she married a guy who had a 6 year old already. when the child was at adulthood, she fell pregnant. im telling you this, cos i think 'being there' for his child and growing to love her with all the ups and downs, really did in many ways prepare her heart for her own baby-which i know she never could have done, without that. you and your wife are unique, obviously, and your situation is too.Let God guide you thru your peace and your joy.try and stay calm and insist on peace to be the umpire on this one.dont let worry have you. step by step and if thats too much step.. and then... have a nap.. then a step your desires arent wrong and neither are hers. God brought you together.dare to be at peace and seek Him,the loving Father, who gives you both the desires in your heart.