Hi everyone.
I haven't posted for ages but I think I need some help. I am deeply troubled to the point of desperation over the situation between me and God. Everything seems to have worsened over the years unfortunately. I'm gonna try and be honest as possible and get this off my chest as best I can.
Having grown up surrounded by a loving family in the Catholic faith, I was always made aware that there was a God up there and that He was always there for us. It seemed that out of all us siblings (I am one of 5 children), I was the most religiously curious, for I remember picking up the Bible one day and going through it to find out whether a certain act was right or wrong. In the months that followed (I think I was about 12) I went through a period of deeply fearing God and trying to sort my life out to get right with Him.
After this initial change things got a lot brighter as I learned more about the New Testament revelation that Jesus came to fufill the law and that he died to save us from our sins. I remember a few times of being blissfully happy. I went through several years of trying my best to get as close to God as possible to God in prayer and sometimes getting caught up in the world and sin. For some reason as a kid I placed great emphasis on the effect repentance had on my mental and emotional nature; I actually felt washed clean and clear after I was sincerely sorry for my sins.
The years past until I was 15 (I'm 23 now). when I had the sensation that I was losing my faith. I began doubting and fearing that I would lose my salvation after getting caught up round certain scriptures (notably Herbrews 6). Things got out of hand and it literally felt like I was falling through space into deeper and deeper darkness. Now this is the bit I don't like to talk about:
As things got darker it felt as though there were some evil forces suggesting things in my mind and as if they were trying to get me to commit an act so evil it would be unpardonable. I was completely dysfunctional at this point and was put on antidepressants. Again and again these influences would attack and suggest conscience severing things like "evil is good and good is evil" - "you are following the wrong God, follow me, worship me"...As you can tell it got very disturbing. And at one point I gave in to them, becuase for some horrible reason I wanted to destroy myself forever; it was kind of an evil curiousity that grew in intensity. And so I sank in to despair for months. I left school and I spent most of my days crying and begging God to take me back. But His presence, that seemed so strong before, had withdrawn and I felt as though I really had commited the unpardonable sin. I felt I couldn't repent. I actually came on this forum several times over the years but I never really fully talked about this openly.
After a great deal of depression I kind of thought that I might as well live with what I have and go to hell. So I went out and socialized with my friends, got a girlfriend and soon got myself in to even more trouble. My girlfriend at that time said she loved me but I felt I was unable to love her back, my heart felt so numb and spiritually dead. Then we started having sex which affected me because I knew that it wasn't right. So that relationship sadly ended. So fast forward to today:
I thought I might as well explore world religions to see if I could find in them what I had previously found in Christianity. Though a lot of them did appeal to my intellect, none of them never seemed to 'feel' right. It felt as though Christianity was the only way for me. I had studied a lot of different types of Eastern religions like Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism as well as other mystical paths. But I was falling deeper and deeper into sin at the same time. I was sinning against my conscience by carelessly getting addicted to pornography, etc. But it felt like there was this voice in my heart pulling me back towards my roots. A call, a beckoning.
Is this voice the voice of the Holy Spirit? Is my wanting to come back to God and Jesus a sign that there is still hope? I need help and fellowship to help me break free from my sins. I want to stop false speech and every bad action but I find it soo hard and God seems forever distant. I feel in my heart that God is real, for I have experienced His power in my life before. If you've read this far down in this message, thank you for listening as I could really do with some friends to help right now.
Matt x
I haven't posted for ages but I think I need some help. I am deeply troubled to the point of desperation over the situation between me and God. Everything seems to have worsened over the years unfortunately. I'm gonna try and be honest as possible and get this off my chest as best I can.
Having grown up surrounded by a loving family in the Catholic faith, I was always made aware that there was a God up there and that He was always there for us. It seemed that out of all us siblings (I am one of 5 children), I was the most religiously curious, for I remember picking up the Bible one day and going through it to find out whether a certain act was right or wrong. In the months that followed (I think I was about 12) I went through a period of deeply fearing God and trying to sort my life out to get right with Him.
After this initial change things got a lot brighter as I learned more about the New Testament revelation that Jesus came to fufill the law and that he died to save us from our sins. I remember a few times of being blissfully happy. I went through several years of trying my best to get as close to God as possible to God in prayer and sometimes getting caught up in the world and sin. For some reason as a kid I placed great emphasis on the effect repentance had on my mental and emotional nature; I actually felt washed clean and clear after I was sincerely sorry for my sins.
The years past until I was 15 (I'm 23 now). when I had the sensation that I was losing my faith. I began doubting and fearing that I would lose my salvation after getting caught up round certain scriptures (notably Herbrews 6). Things got out of hand and it literally felt like I was falling through space into deeper and deeper darkness. Now this is the bit I don't like to talk about:
As things got darker it felt as though there were some evil forces suggesting things in my mind and as if they were trying to get me to commit an act so evil it would be unpardonable. I was completely dysfunctional at this point and was put on antidepressants. Again and again these influences would attack and suggest conscience severing things like "evil is good and good is evil" - "you are following the wrong God, follow me, worship me"...As you can tell it got very disturbing. And at one point I gave in to them, becuase for some horrible reason I wanted to destroy myself forever; it was kind of an evil curiousity that grew in intensity. And so I sank in to despair for months. I left school and I spent most of my days crying and begging God to take me back. But His presence, that seemed so strong before, had withdrawn and I felt as though I really had commited the unpardonable sin. I felt I couldn't repent. I actually came on this forum several times over the years but I never really fully talked about this openly.
After a great deal of depression I kind of thought that I might as well live with what I have and go to hell. So I went out and socialized with my friends, got a girlfriend and soon got myself in to even more trouble. My girlfriend at that time said she loved me but I felt I was unable to love her back, my heart felt so numb and spiritually dead. Then we started having sex which affected me because I knew that it wasn't right. So that relationship sadly ended. So fast forward to today:
I thought I might as well explore world religions to see if I could find in them what I had previously found in Christianity. Though a lot of them did appeal to my intellect, none of them never seemed to 'feel' right. It felt as though Christianity was the only way for me. I had studied a lot of different types of Eastern religions like Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism as well as other mystical paths. But I was falling deeper and deeper into sin at the same time. I was sinning against my conscience by carelessly getting addicted to pornography, etc. But it felt like there was this voice in my heart pulling me back towards my roots. A call, a beckoning.
Is this voice the voice of the Holy Spirit? Is my wanting to come back to God and Jesus a sign that there is still hope? I need help and fellowship to help me break free from my sins. I want to stop false speech and every bad action but I find it soo hard and God seems forever distant. I feel in my heart that God is real, for I have experienced His power in my life before. If you've read this far down in this message, thank you for listening as I could really do with some friends to help right now.
Matt x
