Long Term Separation - How Long Do I Wait

[Lady_of_Rohan]

My husband and I have been married since 1994 and separated since late 2003 so more than half the marriage now. We are both nearing 50 years old. We have a 14-year-old son. In 2003 when our son was 2 months old my husband dropped me and the baby off with my parents on Christmas Eve and we haven't lived together since. He visited us once in a while from January 2004 to July of 2010. We haven't seen him since then. He pretty much told me he hated parenthood and he hated me for refusing to have an abortion after I got pregnant due to birth control failure (we hadn't planned to have kids). Haven't heard from him at all since November of 2016, his cell phone number now belongs to someone else. He lived with his parents for a while but I found out in 2007 that he was involved with his father's hospice nurse and after his father died he got involved with his old high school girlfriend. The two of them have been living together now for several years and I'm told they have a child together although I've been unable to confirm this and I kind of think the child is hers but not his. His mother, who was paying the child support for him (he paid it but sent it through her) died in January 2017 and since then the checks have come through Western Union and been sporadic.

Most people are now wondering why I'm not divorced from him. Well, he doesn't want a divorce because he's a millionaire and he doesn't want to take the financial hit. I haven't filed for divorce because several years ago I discovered Rejoice Ministries and the Covenant Movement which believe that you should "stand" for marital restoration no matter how long and no matter what the circumstances. They don't believe in divorce for ANY reason including what is considered Biblical grounds of adultery and abandonment. But I've had other people tell me that those teachings are false and I find myself incredibly confused. I don't feel like God has released me from my marriage but I've been told that if that were the case I wouldn't feel so torn, and that this confusion is coming from the devil trying to trick me into staying in my marriage when God would accept a divorce in my situation. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and a lot of it is due to feeling trapped in a marital limbo I can't control. I'm dealing with financial issues my husband could clear up easily if I took him to court, such as massive medical bills for my son that he should be held responsible for. But my pastor has counseled me to leave him alone rather than aggravating him and pushing him even further away. My pastor also says that he believes my marital stand to be an incredible testimony to young couples in my church that might be considering divorce for much less grounds than I have. I don't know what to think. I just know I'm miserably unhappy to the point where I've even considered signing myself into a mental hospital temporarily.

I keep thinking there must be something I can do to save my marriage, but how do you save a marriage where there is zero contact and hasn't been for years, and you don't even know where the other person is anymore? And yes, I pray about it. My parents pray about it. My church prays about it. And 14 years after he left me, he's still gone. How long am I supposed to wait? I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone...

My husband is not a Christian, he is what he refers to as an "intellectual atheist." He doesn't believe in God because God doesn't make sense to him. But he's also told me since his father died that even if God exists he would rather be in hell with his family than in heaven without them. And his parents weren't Christians either.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

My husband and I have been married since 1994 and separated since late 2003 so more than half the marriage now. We are both nearing 50 years old. We have a 14-year-old son. In 2003 when our son was 2 months old my husband dropped me and the baby off with my parents on Christmas Eve and we haven't lived together since. He visited us once in a while from January 2004 to July of 2010. We haven't seen him since then. He pretty much told me he hated parenthood and he hated me for refusing to have an abortion after I got pregnant due to birth control failure (we hadn't planned to have kids). Haven't heard from him at all since November of 2016, his cell phone number now belongs to someone else. He lived with his parents for a while but I found out in 2007 that he was involved with his father's hospice nurse and after his father died he got involved with his old high school girlfriend. The two of them have been living together now for several years and I'm told they have a child together although I've been unable to confirm this and I kind of think the child is hers but not his. His mother, who was paying the child support for him (he paid it but sent it through her) died in January 2017 and since then the checks have come through Western Union and been sporadic.

Most people are now wondering why I'm not divorced from him. Well, he doesn't want a divorce because he's a millionaire and he doesn't want to take the financial hit. I haven't filed for divorce because several years ago I discovered Rejoice Ministries and the Covenant Movement which believe that you should "stand" for marital restoration no matter how long and no matter what the circumstances. They don't believe in divorce for ANY reason including what is considered Biblical grounds of adultery and abandonment. But I've had other people tell me that those teachings are false and I find myself incredibly confused. I don't feel like God has released me from my marriage but I've been told that if that were the case I wouldn't feel so torn, and that this confusion is coming from the devil trying to trick me into staying in my marriage when God would accept a divorce in my situation. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and a lot of it is due to feeling trapped in a marital limbo I can't control. I'm dealing with financial issues my husband could clear up easily if I took him to court, such as massive medical bills for my son that he should be held responsible for. But my pastor has counseled me to leave him alone rather than aggravating him and pushing him even further away. My pastor also says that he believes my marital stand to be an incredible testimony to young couples in my church that might be considering divorce for much less grounds than I have. I don't know what to think. I just know I'm miserably unhappy to the point where I've even considered signing myself into a mental hospital temporarily.

I keep thinking there must be something I can do to save my marriage, but how do you save a marriage where there is zero contact and hasn't been for years, and you don't even know where the other person is anymore? And yes, I pray about it. My parents pray about it. My church prays about it. And 14 years after he left me, he's still gone. How long am I supposed to wait? I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone...

My husband is not a Christian, he is what he refers to as an "intellectual atheist." He doesn't believe in God because God doesn't make sense to him. But he's also told me since his father died that even if God exists he would rather be in hell with his family than in heaven without them. And his parents weren't Christians either.

I think that the "stand for marital restoration" is pretty unrealistic. The man has deserted you and your child. He has clearly stated that he does not want to be reconciled to you. One of his reasons was that you refused to murder your unborn child. My view is that he has already broken the marriage contract between you, and although your desire may be for reconciliation, his is definitely not. I don't think that you should continue to punish yourself for what he did to you. My view is that you should file the papers, and you will get the divorce because you have been separated for such a length of time. You can file for the divorce and have it granted whether he consents or not. If you engage a good lawyer, you will find the Family Court judge will support you. Also, don't be reluctant to claim half of your relationship property. That is, half of the assets, financial and material that you both had while together. That is, if there was a formal, legal separation agreement. If there was no separation agreement, the Court could still determine that his present assets are still relationship property and you could claim half of his present wealth. But your lawyer would be able to sort that out. The reference in 1 Corinthians about not taking a fellow Christian to court involves petty disputes and not what you are experiencing.

So, I strongly suggest you consult a Family lawyer and ignore those who would keep you in bondage because of their own religious views. Pray and seek the Lord and see what He says, and if He confirms that my advice is sound, go ahead an engage the lawyer and find out what your rights are and how you can successfully obtain your divorce and get on with your life free of a man who is holding you in bondage to his own will and desire to hold on to his wealth.

 

[KingdomLeast]

Hey LOR, your situation sounds a bit like mine. The scriptures do allow for divorce, and it seems that your hubby broke the marriage vow. It's also obvious that he has no intentions of reconciling with you or your son. I was married for 25 years, when my wife asked me to leave. I had no intentions of giving her a divorce since neither of us had committed adultery. I was surprised when she filed, and no sooner than the ink was dry she had somebody else in our bed, which released me from the marriage vow. Sometimes you just need to do what is best for you and your son. Pray all goes well.

 

[Lady_of_Rohan]

I think that the "stand for marital restoration" is pretty unrealistic. The man has deserted you and your child. He has clearly stated that he does not want to be reconciled to you. One of his reasons was that you refused to murder your unborn child. My view is that he has already broken the marriage contract between you, and although your desire may be for reconciliation, his is definitely not. I don't think that you should continue to punish yourself for what he did to you. My view is that you should file the papers, and you will get the divorce because you have been separated for such a length of time. You can file for the divorce and have it granted whether he consents or not. If you engage a good lawyer, you will find the Family Court judge will support you. Also, don't be reluctant to claim half of your relationship property. That is, half of the assets, financial and material that you both had while together. That is, if there was a formal, legal separation agreement. If there was no separation agreement, the Court could still determine that his present assets are still relationship property and you could claim half of his present wealth. But your lawyer would be able to sort that out. The reference in 1 Corinthians about not taking a fellow Christian to court involves petty disputes and not what you are experiencing.

So, I strongly suggest you consult a Family lawyer and ignore those who would keep you in bondage because of their own religious views. Pray and seek the Lord and see what He says, and if He confirms that my advice is sound, go ahead an engage the lawyer and find out what your rights are and how you can successfully obtain your divorce and get on with your life free of a man who is holding you in bondage to his own will and desire to hold on to his wealth.

We do not have any legal agreement, of separation or support or anything. He got wealthy AFTER he moved out, there has been no joint property since 2005 when he let our house go into foreclosure (neither of us had lived in it since the day he walked out). In fact he declared bankruptcy for both of us even though I tried to stop him, because there was so much medical debt. As far as I know, he still doesn't own a house, he inherited his mother's house but it was seized for a road widening project and torn down a couple of years ago. There is a trust fund my father in law set up for my son and my husband is the executor of that. My son gets it when he graduates from college and loses it to my husband if he doesn't attend college. I honestly have no idea how much money my husband has, we've filed separate taxes since 2007. The other really messed up thing is, he really has disappeared. He didn't show up for his own mother's funeral and the executor of her estate contacted me trying to find him because he hadn't been able to locate him more than 6 months after her death. But I never heard from the guy again so I have to assume they did locate him, or the estate would have passed to my son after a year as her only other living relative.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

We do not have any legal agreement, of separation or support or anything. He got wealthy AFTER he moved out, there has been no joint property since 2005 when he let our house go into foreclosure (neither of us had lived in it since the day he walked out). In fact he declared bankruptcy for both of us even though I tried to stop him, because there was so much medical debt. As far as I know, he still doesn't own a house, he inherited his mother's house but it was seized for a road widening project and torn down a couple of years ago. There is a trust fund my father in law set up for my son and my husband is the executor of that. My son gets it when he graduates from college and loses it to my husband if he doesn't attend college. I honestly have no idea how much money my husband has, we've filed separate taxes since 2007. The other really messed up thing is, he really has disappeared. He didn't show up for his own mother's funeral and the executor of her estate contacted me trying to find him because he hadn't been able to locate him more than 6 months after her death. But I never heard from the guy again so I have to assume they did locate him, or the estate would have passed to my son after a year as her only other living relative.

I worked for the Family Court as a Registrar and sat through a number of cases similar to yours. There is nothing to stop you filing for divorce. What happens then is that the papers are served on him. If they cannot locate him, they serve the papers on his nearest relative (not you of course) so that the papers can be given to him. If the relative accepts the papers on his behalf, then the papers are deemed to be legally served and then it is the relative's responsibility to pass the papers to him. If there is no one whom the papers can be served, then an advertisement is put in the local newspaper, and he has 30 days to respond. If he does not respond either when he is served the papers, or passed on to him, or to the advertisement in the paper, the Court determines that the divorce goes ahead "no contest" from him. This is where your lawyer comes in to ensure that you receive what is yours by right. Your lawyer can get the Court to remove the power of attorney of your son's trust fund from your husband and transfer it to you as part of the divorce settlement. Also, your lawyer may able to get the Court to award you a financial settlement from your husband. Once the Court order has been made and stamped, your husband has to comply with it otherwise he is in contempt of Court and can be arrested and charged.

I believe that you have every right to take this action. This situation has been done to you and you have had no control over it. Therefore I cannot believe that God would hold you in any way responsible. He never punishes the innocent with the guilty. The guilty person must answer for his own actions, and the innocent one goes free.

It would be inappropriate for a religious organisation to hold you in further bondage over this and oppose your filing for divorce. They would be acting from a religious principle and not a Biblical one. God is a God of second chances, and He is a lot more understanding of real human situations than we sometimes give Him credit for.

Even if you are through some chance reconciled, i think that you would be desperately unhappy and the resulting union would not be a happy one for you and you would have every likelihood of being in further bondage to an unloving and unkind person who would only be with you for selfish reasons. He has made his intentions toward you plainly clear, and you have no control over him at all. But you have control over your own future, and the sooner you cut the "umbilical cord" of this non-existence marriage, the better.

 

[akmom]

But my pastor has counseled me to leave him alone rather than aggravating him and pushing him even further away.

Can a person get further away than gone for fifteen years with no trace? I'm really curious what this would look like.

My pastor also says that he believes my marital stand to be an incredible testimony to young couples in my church that might be considering divorce for much less grounds than I have.

Yeah, some testimony that will be. Is he envisioning a contest for who can suffer the most? What does the winner get?