Long Term Relationship Help Needed Please

[arabianhorselover]

My husband and I have been married for 24 years. I still love him as much or more than I ever did, and I know he still loves me. I believe he is as committed to the relationship as he ever was, also, but we are having trouble getting along. This has been building for a really long time, and at this point it seems we can't have a conversation without one or both of us saying things that upset/annoy the other. In the beginning, as is often the case in relationships, everything was so unbelievably perfect. We seemed so compatible, and he was the most romantic guy. Over time it became apparent just how very different the two of us are.

He is very outspoken, very sure of himself and all his decisions, an expert at arguing (debating), and loves to do that. I, on the other hand, have poor self esteem, never learned to argue that way, and get very upset by it, and am always questioning my feelings and decisions. I also try to control people and situations in order to try to prevent what I see as impending disasters - something I learned in my childhood that I've never gotten over. I know it drives him crazy, especially since he is not a person who is going to be controlled by anyone! I try to control things regarding his health because he has a family history of heart disease, cancer and diabetes. He does nothing to try to avoid these things, eats the worst things possible, and wouldn't dream of exercising. He does do a lot of physical work, but gets no cardio exercise. He also refuses to see a doctor for anything. Ever since we got together I have had a fear of losing him, so it is hard for me not to interfere. I have also tried over the years to control his relationship with our three boys, since all he generally does with them is work. I have wanted them to have closer father/son relationships.

He works all the time and rarely gets enough sleep. I generally get no attention from him. He has no time for me in general, and does not see the importance of our doing things together. We live like brother and sister most of the time with both of us just rushing around trying to get things done. This drives me crazy, but he doesn't seem to need me like I need him. He is crabby most of the time, and I get the impressions that he would rather I just left him alone.

Sorry to be writing a book, but I am having such a hard time coping with all of this. I need more from the relationship, but things just seem to be getting worse. I can't control his thinking, or make him need me more. I just don't see this situation getting any better, and it scares me to death. Thank you so much for reading all of this if you have gotten this far.

 

[God's Child]

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[puregrl]

24 years is a long time to be married. So, congrats first of all. Secondly, it is apparent that you are both very committed to the relationship. This is most of all necessary if anything is to be fixed or changed. Over time, people change. It is natural and normal. Commitment to the relationship is what keeps people from leaving and finding someone else that fits the changes that have happened in a persons life. So again, keep that up. He seems to have good qualities, as do you. Does he have a job where he is either a) not heard/ no control or b) has his opinions valued above all/ total control? He does need to be able to listen to and value your opinion. Your thoughts and ideas are just as important as his.

I feel like addressing the traits you mentioned individually. First of all you need to build your self esteem, which will fix you questioning your decisions. Tell yourself positive things about yourself. When you have a higher self esteem you will be able to confidently and correctly address issues that come up such as some of the ones you mentioned. You will start to develop and then value your opinion, which makes other listen to you and care about what you say. As far as arguing that way, everyone learns how to do things from their parents. During the small group I lead, I like to have the couples discuss things they learned from their parents such as who takes out the trash, does bills, cooks, cleans... and then discuss who they believe in their marriage should do that. These are the 'unspoken rules'. In your marriage, you learned to argue two different ways. This of course is a bigger issue than who takes out the trash, but must be discussed just the same. Look at the benefits and drawbacks of both methods, take each others views into account.

The last issue I saw you mention, controlling others, is the biggest issue at hand. You need to understand that the only person you can control is yourself. A desire to control other peoples lives, and acting on that desire will do nothing but make them resent you and push you away. No one likes to be told what to do. Disasters will happen in a persons life. Realize that it is not a bad thing. Why do you think bad things happen? I believe that bad things, hard times, disasters...all of that happens for a reason. I believe they happen to teach us something and help us grow as human beings. If a person never encountered a problem, road block or whatever than they would stay the same person. They would not learn anything, change anything, or even become the person God wants them to be.

It is good to be concerned about his health. Men who are married live longer because we, as wives, encourage them to go to the doctor, get check ups and stay healthy. They also tend to do less stupid things because they have someone to live for...but that is a different story. My question is how are you going about trying to get him to be healthier? Is it a nagging kind of thing? are you being rude about it? What words are you using exactly to get him to want to be healthy? You have to know exactly what to say to get him to want to be healthy. If what you are saying isnt working, try going about it a different way.

Your low self esteem is what is fueling your fear of losing him. You have become dependent on him, which people can generally feel. This would also make him push away as he sounds like someone who values his independence. Again, with your kids and him, you have to find the correct way to encourage that relationship. Talk about doing things together as a family, talking them to the park or a concert or whatever.

In every conversation be careful not to blame him. My husband and I have a rule that when we discuss things we never say "you never" or "you always". This keeps the other person from getting defensive. Also, using reflective statements help (I feel ____ when you ___). This also keeps the defensiveness down.

You guys need to fix the issues at hand, he needs to learn to listen you to your needs and value your opinion. You need to stop controlling and talk about things a different way. You both need to learn how to argue effectively. All of these problems have complied into you simply being two people living under the same roof. You can get back to where you were before. It will just take work and change.

 

[arabianhorselover]

24 years is a long time to be married. So, congrats first of all. Secondly, it is apparent that you are both very committed to the relationship. This is most of all necessary if anything is to be fixed or changed. Over time, people change. It is natural and normal. Commitment to the relationship is what keeps people from leaving and finding someone else that fits the changes that have happened in a persons life. So again, keep that up. He seems to have good qualities, as do you. Does he have a job where he is either a) not heard/ no control or b) has his opinions valued above all/ total control? He does need to be able to listen to and value your opinion. Your thoughts and ideas are just as important as his.

I feel like addressing the traits you mentioned individually. First of all you need to build your self esteem, which will fix you questioning your decisions. Tell yourself positive things about yourself. When you have a higher self esteem you will be able to confidently and correctly address issues that come up such as some of the ones you mentioned. You will start to develop and then value your opinion, which makes other listen to you and care about what you say. As far as arguing that way, everyone learns how to do things from their parents. During the small group I lead, I like to have the couples discuss things they learned from their parents such as who takes out the trash, does bills, cooks, cleans... and then discuss who they believe in their marriage should do that. These are the 'unspoken rules'. In your marriage, you learned to argue two different ways. This of course is a bigger issue than who takes out the trash, but must be discussed just the same. Look at the benefits and drawbacks of both methods, take each others views into account.

The last issue I saw you mention, controlling others, is the biggest issue at hand. You need to understand that the only person you can control is yourself. A desire to control other peoples lives, and acting on that desire will do nothing but make them resent you and push you away. No one likes to be told what to do. Disasters will happen in a persons life. Realize that it is not a bad thing. Why do you think bad things happen? I believe that bad things, hard times, disasters...all of that happens for a reason. I believe they happen to teach us something and help us grow as human beings. If a person never encountered a problem, road block or whatever than they would stay the same person. They would not learn anything, change anything, or even become the person God wants them to be.

It is good to be concerned about his health. Men who are married live longer because we, as wives, encourage them to go to the doctor, get check ups and stay healthy. They also tend to do less stupid things because they have someone to live for...but that is a different story. My question is how are you going about trying to get him to be healthier? Is it a nagging kind of thing? are you being rude about it? What words are you using exactly to get him to want to be healthy? You have to know exactly what to say to get him to want to be healthy. If what you are saying isnt working, try going about it a different way.

Your low self esteem is what is fueling your fear of losing him. You have become dependent on him, which people can generally feel. This would also make him push away as he sounds like someone who values his independence. Again, with your kids and him, you have to find the correct way to encourage that relationship. Talk about doing things together as a family, talking them to the park or a concert or whatever.

In every conversation be careful not to blame him. My husband and I have a rule that when we discuss things we never say "you never" or "you always". This keeps the other person from getting defensive. Also, using reflective statements help (I feel ____ when you ___). This also keeps the defensiveness down.

You guys need to fix the issues at hand, he needs to learn to listen you to your needs and value your opinion. You need to stop controlling and talk about things a different way. You both need to learn how to argue effectively. All of these problems have complied into you simply being two people living under the same roof. You can get back to where you were before. It will just take work and change.

Hi. Thank you very much for responding. Obviously I have scared everyone else away. For someone so young you seem to have a lot of common sense and knowledge about relationships. I have a lot of knowledge, also, but in the heat of the moment it is hard to remember it.

Regarding my husband's job, he would never put up with a position in which he didn't have any say about things. He has to have a job where he can state his very strong opinions, and not get fired for it. He gets along very well with his boss, and is trusted to run things the way he sees fit. He has a couple of thousand people who depend on him to be the expert on the phone system, and keep it up and running.

I, on the other hand, have spent a lifetime in jobs where I didn't really have any say about anything. I hate it, and it causes me a lot of stress, but I've never really had the nerve to challenge anyone. Too afraid of getting in trouble.

My self esteem has been a huge issue for as long as I can ever remember, and I realize how much it impacts my relationships, but it will take a miracle from God to change it, I am afraid. So far He has not decided to grant me that miracle.

Always and Never. Funny you should mention those. It's one of the things that drives my husband the most crazy. My black and white thinking. When I get upset, it is hard for me to realize that the world is not ending. If he's upset with me about something, I have a hard time seeing that he still loves me even though there is this thing he doesn't like. I know that he loves me. In fact he has loved me like nobody else ever has. He truly loves me unconditionally. He is very forgiving. However, because I don't feel loveable, it has always been hard for me to not worry that he will someday change his mind about me. And of course the more conflict there is between us, the more I worry. And that creates more conflict.

I have never had any fear about his cheating on me. I just know that is not something he would not do. I worry about other things, but not that. He knows the same about me. I've never even had an interest in anyone else since him and I got together.

I don't know if he feels that I'm too dependent on him. If he does, he hasn't said so, and I don't think he would hesitate to tell me. I know he doesn't consider me to be demanding. I've asked him about that.

In general he has always felt that things were fine between us. It's always me worrying and needing more attention from him. I really don't get much. I am not exagerrating about that.

I'm tired, and can't think of anything else to say right now. Thank you for listening.

 

[HannahT]

Why not start with a baby step. Since our kids (who are young adults at this point) got old enough we go to breakfast together and alone one day on the weekend. During that time we catch up on things, and have some time without interruption.

What you could do during this short period of time is attempt to grow into his way of thinking. If he wants to talk about some items he loves to debate - let him, but don't put your 2 cents in worth. Just listen. I think every marriage at times goes through times in which its better to just to sit back and watch the body language. You will be surprised at how much you learn just from that. I have also learned there are certain things you are NEVER going to change, and we have to learn to live with them. Most of the annoying traits you have to talk yourself into accepting them - its called life!

You learn alot about a person by just sitting back, and listening...even when you want to jump in. I just keep my lips sealed, my frustration at some of his items to myself, and don't interrupt. What I have found is many things he claims he does, believes, etc aren't do much what he thinks they are - or what I thought they were. lol its not worth the war of pointing out he says one thing, and does another! The results are what is important, and its not worth making a mountain out of a mole hill.

When I was younger I took to many things personally, and more and more I learned it was more due to dynamics of the relationship...and the people more than me not having control over what is happening. I had this vision that things needed to be just so in order for life to work properly. People, circumstances, dynamics, etc just got in the way of things working out that way! lol! I drove myself crazy! I learned to allow things to fall where they may if I KNEW the world wasn't going to crash down around my ears if I didn't step in. It was SO hard at first, but it gets easier with time. lol I was like a codependent learning to say NO! As you know codependents don't say no - they just do everything. I wanted to throw that visual in for you...lol codependency was never my problem. I was just young, naive, and had certain visuals in my head that just didn't line up with reality. People learn at different times in their life about different things. I'm still learning, and I still have the urge at times to step in...but I almost never do anymore. The stress level is gone thankfully. Now I'm working on other things! lololol!

I'll give you one example! He claims he allows me to handle the ugly circumstances, because he would be to rough and tough with people. Not so much I have learned. He isn't as rough and tough when I have observed him, but he does get overly frustrated...and isn't as efficient about things as I can be due to the fact I can keep my cool better than he does. lol he knows that too, but he still values the rough and tough aspect of himself. He can have it too. No skin off my nose, and I don't need to point out my observations - or what others that know him see too. Its not worth it. There are times in which his rough and tough can be used, but I have learned to accept most ugly circumstances are on my plate. I can get frustrated with him about that - or just learn to accept what life has handed us. It is what it is.

My husband has some health issues, and his doctor has forever told him to do certain exercises. He has a book of excuses as to WHY he wont, and he gets very upset when people challenge that. He has an arthritic disease, and it hurts for him to do them. That's the real reason he wont, but he will claim its lack of time - or he gets his exercise at work. At first it was his TYPE of job that was physically hard on him, but since his company talked him into taking over the shipping department? Its less physically demanding...lol and he still won't go! So, when I can get him to do it? I have him go with me on dog walks. Some days I can't get him off the sofa, and other days he willing goes with me. I can't control that, and I had to learn to accept that I couldn't control it. If I didn't learn to accept it? I would make us both miserable. He would get mad at me pushing, and I would get frustrated he won't take better care of himself. No winners there.

On boards like this we hear alot about 'nagging', and in our relationship? lol he is the NAG! He doesn't have any problem admitting it, and that old bible verse about the lady driving her husband to corner of the roof? (Proverbs 21:9) I can so relate. I call him the energizer bunny - he keeps going and going and going. I have learned to walk away - even in the middle of his nag fest. It does tick him off, but I found that is the best way for me to handle it...because otherwise he gets the full force of my frustration in return. A human being can only take so much! What's funny is his friends call him, "Grandpa" due to this trait. At this point - he knows I hit my limit when I walk away. Its something he had to learn to accept. I remember a counselor we spoke to when my son was young - we saw him due to family problems due to a medical condition for son - and the counselor told him...my approach to his personality was very healthy. I'm sure he wouldn't recommend it for EVERYONE, but he observed our dynamics.

He gets annoyed with me, because I have problems slowing down...and asking for help. He is constantly on me to allow the kids to help - or him. I have this bad habit of just doing it, because it bothers me it isn't done. It's annoying to wait for people to come and help me. It's not like that all the time, but lol to much of the time! He has a point! I do need to let people HELP, and approach that help like I do many other things. I don't know WHY I don't, because I should. lol Yet, I don't! He will be pointing that out forever I'm afraid, but I do try to do better most of the time. lol at least in my view! I know that annoys him to no end!

He gets to deal with that - among other things of course!

Get that breakfast date going, and go out of your way to make it pleasurable. Watch the body language, and try to see things from his POV. The hardest part at times is biting your tongue, because you are there to observe and learn...how can life with him be better. We have also been together for a long time...and you will be surprised at what you learn after all those years. Once you see things from a different POV - its easier to live with I have found. It's worth a shot!

 

[sdmsanjose]

My self-esteem has been a huge issue for as long as I can ever remember, and I realize how much it impacts my relationships, but it will take a miracle from God to change it, I am afraid. So far He has not decided to grant me that miracle.

God has already told you how valuable you are and has allowed a book to be written to give you all facts so that you believe Him. God has done His part so it is now up to you to get your self-esteem in better shape. You can start by believing what God has already said about you and then finding a woman that has been in your shoes and has succeeded in improving her self-esteem. When you find this woman then you start to follow her advice; no excuses. There are tons of help for women with low self-esteem so it is up to you to get it then take action!

I know that he loves me. In fact he has loved me like nobody else ever has. He truly loves me unconditionally. He is very forgiving. However, because I don't feel loveable, it has always been hard for me to not worry that he will someday change his mind about me. And of course the more conflict there is between us, the more I worry. And that creates more conflict.

In general he has always felt that things were fine between us. It's always me worrying and needing more attention from him. I really don't get much. I am not exaggerating about that.

I would not doubt that your husband could do better in the area of showing you more attention but you are very limited in what you can do to change him. However, you can do a whole LOT to change you! Frankly, BY WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN YOU CAN IMRPOVE YOUR SITUATION A LOT BY YOU CHANGING AND IMPROVING YOU.

Your low self-esteem will cause even more troubles as you and your husband get older.

 

[arabianhorselover]

Why not start with a baby step. Since our kids (who are young adults at this point) got old enough we go to breakfast together and alone one day on the weekend. During that time we catch up on things, and have some time without interruption.

What you could do during this short period of time is attempt to grow into his way of thinking. If he wants to talk about some items he loves to debate - let him, but don't put your 2 cents in worth. Just listen. I think every marriage at times goes through times in which its better to just to sit back and watch the body language. You will be surprised at how much you learn just from that. I have also learned there are certain things you are NEVER going to change, and we have to learn to live with them. Most of the annoying traits you have to talk yourself into accepting them - its called life!

You learn alot about a person by just sitting back, and listening...even when you want to jump in. I just keep my lips sealed, my frustration at some of his items to myself, and don't interrupt. What I have found is many things he claims he does, believes, etc aren't do much what he thinks they are - or what I thought they were. lol its not worth the war of pointing out he says one thing, and does another! The results are what is important, and its not worth making a mountain out of a mole hill.

When I was younger I took to many things personally, and more and more I learned it was more due to dynamics of the relationship...and the people more than me not having control over what is happening. I had this vision that things needed to be just so in order for life to work properly. People, circumstances, dynamics, etc just got in the way of things working out that way! lol! I drove myself crazy! I learned to allow things to fall where they may if I KNEW the world wasn't going to crash down around my ears if I didn't step in. It was SO hard at first, but it gets easier with time. lol I was like a codependent learning to say NO! As you know codependents don't say no - they just do everything. I wanted to throw that visual in for you...lol codependency was never my problem. I was just young, naive, and had certain visuals in my head that just didn't line up with reality. People learn at different times in their life about different things. I'm still learning, and I still have the urge at times to step in...but I almost never do anymore. The stress level is gone thankfully. Now I'm working on other things! lololol!

I'll give you one example! He claims he allows me to handle the ugly circumstances, because he would be to rough and tough with people. Not so much I have learned. He isn't as rough and tough when I have observed him, but he does get overly frustrated...and isn't as efficient about things as I can be due to the fact I can keep my cool better than he does. lol he knows that too, but he still values the rough and tough aspect of himself. He can have it too. No skin off my nose, and I don't need to point out my observations - or what others that know him see too. Its not worth it. There are times in which his rough and tough can be used, but I have learned to accept most ugly circumstances are on my plate. I can get frustrated with him about that - or just learn to accept what life has handed us. It is what it is.

My husband has some health issues, and his doctor has forever told him to do certain exercises. He has a book of excuses as to WHY he wont, and he gets very upset when people challenge that. He has an arthritic disease, and it hurts for him to do them. That's the real reason he wont, but he will claim its lack of time - or he gets his exercise at work. At first it was his TYPE of job that was physically hard on him, but since his company talked him into taking over the shipping department? Its less physically demanding...lol and he still won't go! So, when I can get him to do it? I have him go with me on dog walks. Some days I can't get him off the sofa, and other days he willing goes with me. I can't control that, and I had to learn to accept that I couldn't control it. If I didn't learn to accept it? I would make us both miserable. He would get mad at me pushing, and I would get frustrated he won't take better care of himself. No winners there.

On boards like this we hear alot about 'nagging', and in our relationship? lol he is the NAG! He doesn't have any problem admitting it, and that old bible verse about the lady driving her husband to corner of the roof? (Proverbs 21:9) I can so relate. I call him the energizer bunny - he keeps going and going and going. I have learned to walk away - even in the middle of his nag fest. It does tick him off, but I found that is the best way for me to handle it...because otherwise he gets the full force of my frustration in return. A human being can only take so much! What's funny is his friends call him, "Grandpa" due to this trait. At this point - he knows I hit my limit when I walk away. Its something he had to learn to accept. I remember a counselor we spoke to when my son was young - we saw him due to family problems due to a medical condition for son - and the counselor told him...my approach to his personality was very healthy. I'm sure he wouldn't recommend it for EVERYONE, but he observed our dynamics.

He gets annoyed with me, because I have problems slowing down...and asking for help. He is constantly on me to allow the kids to help - or him. I have this bad habit of just doing it, because it bothers me it isn't done. It's annoying to wait for people to come and help me. It's not like that all the time, but lol to much of the time! He has a point! I do need to let people HELP, and approach that help like I do many other things. I don't know WHY I don't, because I should. lol Yet, I don't! He will be pointing that out forever I'm afraid, but I do try to do better most of the time. lol at least in my view! I know that annoys him to no end!

He gets to deal with that - among other things of course!

Get that breakfast date going, and go out of your way to make it pleasurable. Watch the body language, and try to see things from his POV. The hardest part at times is biting your tongue, because you are there to observe and learn...how can life with him be better. We have also been together for a long time...and you will be surprised at what you learn after all those years. Once you see things from a different POV - its easier to live with I have found. It's worth a shot!

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, and trying to help. My husband would not be willing to go out for breakfast and spend time like that. He would consider it an unnecessary waste of time and money. He doesn't feel he has enough of either, and would not understand why we couldn't just talk at home. He would also figure that talking would not change anything, since it never has in the past. The only thing he ever does like that is going out for lunch sometimes during my work day. He thinks it's a great thing he's doing, but for me it is not relaxing knowing that I have to get right back to work, and also because he uses the time to discuss business with me - things that have to get taken care of, signed by me, etc. I just end up feeling like he would rather not even be there at all when he could be getting other things done.

 

[arabianhorselover]

God has already told you how valuable you are and has allowed a book to be written to give you all facts so that you believe Him. God has done His part so it is now up to you to get your self-esteem in better shape. You can start by believing what God has already said about you and then finding a woman that has been in your shoes and has succeeded in improving her self-esteem. When you find this woman then you start to follow her advice; no excuses. There are tons of help for women with low self-esteem so it is up to you to get it then take action!





I would not doubt that your husband could do better in the area of showing you more attention but you are very limited in what you can do to change him. However, you can do a whole LOT to change you! Frankly, BY WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN YOU CAN IMRPOVE YOUR SITUATION A LOT BY YOU CHANGING AND IMPROVING YOU.

Your low self-esteem will cause even more troubles as you and your husband get older.

I really have to wonder if you have ever experienced a problem with depression or low self-esteem.

 

[HondaMan]

I recommend the event called Weekend to Remember to all the couples I can. Look it up on www.familylife.com

It's a great romantic getaway for married and engaged couples.

 

[arabianhorselover]

I recommend the event called Weekend to Remember to all the couples I can. Look it up on www.familylife.com

It's a great romantic getaway for married and engaged couples.

Thank you very much for the suggestion, but at this point I can't imagine that he would be willing to go.

 

[sdmsanjose]

1. sdmsanjose said: ↑

God has already told you how valuable you are and has allowed a book to be written to give you all facts so that you believe Him. God has done His part so it is now up to you to get your self-esteem in better shape. You can start by believing what God has already said about you and then finding a woman that has been in your shoes and has succeeded in improving her self-esteem. When you find this woman then you start to follow her advice; no excuses. There are tons of help for women with low self-esteem so it is up to you to get it then take action!


I would not doubt that your husband could do better in the area of showing you more attention but you are very limited in what you can do to change him. However, you can do a whole LOT to change you! Frankly, BY WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN YOU CAN IMRPOVE YOUR SITUATION A LOT BY YOU CHANGING AND IMPROVING YOU.

Your low self-esteem will cause even more troubles as you and your husband get older.



By Arabianhorselover
I really have to wonder if you have ever experienced a problem with depression or low self-esteem.

Yes I have and the advice that I gave you is what got me out of my low self-esteem and depression. Apparently you do not like my advice or else you would not question my experience.

You stated that you have had low self-esteem for a very long time (“My self-esteem has been a huge issue for as long as I can ever remember…) Since you are not fond of my suggestion then who would you suggest can get your self-esteem improved?

You have told us that you would like for your husband to change but he does not seem to cooperate with you or some of the suggestions given on this forum. Seems to me that since you are not having much luck changing him that you can do yourself more good by concentrating on changing you.

If you do not like my advice that is OK but just tell so that I do not waste your time.

 

[Swan7]

I can certainly relate to your situation, minus the married part. I also suffer from seasonal depression and migraines during the summer (this month being the worst!).

I dated a guy for nearly 3 years before having to break it off. Slowly and surely I was not happy in the relationship because of a severe lack of affection from him and yet he would expect me to give him affection. He would also answer to his friends first and then tending to me last. There were times where I was even forgotten about - which deeply hurt and infuriated me. I had tried to have civil conversations with him about these problems, but his lack of attention and care only set me off on an emotional roller coaster. I was becoming very emotionally unstable due to being ignored about how I felt in the relationship (which also didn't help when this was a problem to begin with as a child).

He also has heart disease, a very severe case where his doctor suggested he get open heart surgery and also an ICD placed - which did happen. Heart disease runs in his family, so most of it is caused by genes, however; he also wasn't helping by continuing to eat junk all the time (processed foods, fast food, anything with sodium and added sugar!). Let me tell you, those 4 hours while he was getting surgery done felt like time had stopped - literally! I was greatly saddened when I learned that this life or death situation he faced changed me and not him.

Like you, I felt like I needed to control the situation a bit by buying healthy foods. I even supported him by going to rehab with him to get him somewhat motivated to shape up. But then he stopped going and complained about money.... before all this, he was a Conductor so that was just an excuse. At this point I put up and hands and gave up on him, but continued working on myself. I needed to lose the weight... a lot. Having scar tissue in my sides really hurts and feels like labor pain when it's at it's worst. I conformed to his way of living when I shouldn't have. He's a big couch potato and his idea of fun are games and movies and just plain sitting around.

I got serious about life and lost 70 pounds! This helped me boost confidence in myself and eventually leave him since I couldn't do anything to get him moving, and I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. I had to face facts and realize that I can't change him - or anyone. I did what I could and that was it. I know you're married with kids and I can't say to leave him, but I do hope that reading my experience can help you start making a difference in your life.

Also, there's no way I could have done it without Him and reading His Word. Never take your eyes off Him.

 

[arabianhorselover]

Yes I have and the advice that I gave you is what got me out of my low self-esteem and depression. Apparently you do not like my advice or else you would not question my experience.

You stated that you have had low self-esteem for a very long time (“My self-esteem has been a huge issue for as long as I can ever remember…) Since you are not fond of my suggestion then who would you suggest can get your self-esteem improved?

You have told us that you would like for your husband to change but he does not seem to cooperate with you or some of the suggestions given on this forum. Seems to me that since you are not having much luck changing him that you can do yourself more good by concentrating on changing you.

If you do not like my advice that is OK but just tell so that I do not waste your time.

I questioned your experience because of your overall bluntness. Maybe it's because you are male, but the way you put your advice was a little hard for me to take. Besides, how in the world do I know what your experience is? I'm not saying that what you said isn't good advice, but if it were that easy I would have done it 40 years ago. As far as a female friend who has overcome these issues, I don't know anyone like that.

 

[arabianhorselover]

I can certainly relate to your situation, minus the married part. I also suffer from seasonal depression and migraines during the summer (this month being the worst!).

I dated a guy for nearly 3 years before having to break it off. Slowly and surely I was not happy in the relationship because of a severe lack of affection from him and yet he would expect me to give him affection. He would also answer to his friends first and then tending to me last. There were times where I was even forgotten about - which deeply hurt and infuriated me. I had tried to have civil conversations with him about these problems, but his lack of attention and care only set me off on an emotional roller coaster. I was becoming very emotionally unstable due to being ignored about how I felt in the relationship (which also didn't help when this was a problem to begin with as a child).

He also has heart disease, a very severe case where his doctor suggested he get open heart surgery and also an ICD placed - which did happen. Heart disease runs in his family, so most of it is caused by genes, however; he also wasn't helping by continuing to eat junk all the time (processed foods, fast food, anything with sodium and added sugar!). Let me tell you, those 4 hours while he was getting surgery done felt like time had stopped - literally! I was greatly saddened when I learned that this life or death situation he faced changed me and not him.

Like you, I felt like I needed to control the situation a bit by buying healthy foods. I even supported him by going to rehab with him to get him somewhat motivated to shape up. But then he stopped going and complained about money.... before all this, he was a Conductor so that was just an excuse. At this point I put up and hands and gave up on him, but continued working on myself. I needed to lose the weight... a lot. Having scar tissue in my sides really hurts and feels like labor pain when it's at it's worst. I conformed to his way of living when I shouldn't have. He's a big couch potato and his idea of fun are games and movies and just plain sitting around.

I got serious about life and lost 70 pounds! This helped me boost confidence in myself and eventually leave him since I couldn't do anything to get him moving, and I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. I had to face facts and realize that I can't change him - or anyone. I did what I could and that was it. I know you're married with kids and I can't say to leave him, but I do hope that reading my experience can help you start making a difference in your life.

Also, there's no way I could have done it without Him and reading His Word. Never take your eyes off Him.

Thank you for your response. The issues I have with my husband are not things that would cause me to leave him. Our love is still strong despite everything, and I have to believe all of these things will work out in God's time.