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long engagements
- Thread starter Lilem85
- Start date
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InTheFlame
Guest
Huh? What'd I say? Did I come across as trying to beat my opinion into your head? That wasn't my intention, and I'm sorry if that was the case. I DID want to point out that you and I had some common ground in our opinions, but also some differences.LadyBird said:
LadyBird said:I honestly don't care what other people do in their life...it's their life and the can live it however they want...it's not like I'm going to be affected by someone's outrageously long engagement...it makes me laugh more than anything.
I just don't see the point in being engaged for 3 or 4 years .....
If a couple is going to be engaged for that long, obviously they either:
a) haven't been together for a long time and/or
b) aren't ready to get married either,
thus, either
a) they are still getting to know each other and/or
b) aren't ready for marriage.
So what is the point in being engaged if you aren't ready and prepared to be married? I think that when people have 3 year long engagements, it's more so out of insecurity. Like "oh, I'm taken but...I wont be married for another 3 years so if someone better comes along then I'll just break off my sort of engagement since we wont be getting married for another 2 years anyway." I just think it's stupid and pointless.
I'm not trying to push my ideas on anyone, I'm just saying what I think. I don't care about what other people think about this topic, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Is this in reference to my post? I wasn't arguing FOR long engagements, so I'm a little confused who you're addressing... you're sounding defensive but I didn't see that anyone was attacking you or your opinions..
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OK PEOPLE!!!! well, after careful consideration of all your opinions.... we have the go-ahead!! yay! if u refer back to my original post you'll see that my main reservation over the whole long engagement thing was my parents reservations. However I have now spoken to my parents and it turns out they have no problem with it. Yes there are things to consider but the engagement itself has the go ahead- once theres a ring and once he has asked permission from my dad.
B/F has also spoken to his parents and they too are very excited and although they want to sit us down and talk to us about our decision, they have no problem with us having a long engagement.
So we have the backing of both our families, which is what I was looking for. Their backing has just confirmed what we were thinking and praying about. And as we are staying accountable to both our parents, and both sets of parents are seeking Gods will in our relationship- their backing just confirms our feelings/decisions.
So guess what people???? I'm getting engaged!!! (once all the formalities are out the way). So excited!
B/F has also spoken to his parents and they too are very excited and although they want to sit us down and talk to us about our decision, they have no problem with us having a long engagement.
So we have the backing of both our families, which is what I was looking for. Their backing has just confirmed what we were thinking and praying about. And as we are staying accountable to both our parents, and both sets of parents are seeking Gods will in our relationship- their backing just confirms our feelings/decisions.
So guess what people???? I'm getting engaged!!! (once all the formalities are out the way). So excited!
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Pope Gonzo
Well-Known Member
I don't know about British weddings, but in the US, unless you live in one of the five largest cities, and you want to get married in the busiest chapel ever built, you don't need a day more than a year and a half. We've been planning our wedding for eleven months, and there are 2 busy times: 1)reserving everything right away, and 2)the month leading up to the wedding.
I didn't read the whole post, mainly because I'm trying to get to bed, but here's my foolish, human wisdom:
Dating should be preparation for marriage, right from the start. From the phase of getting to know a new person to getting to know that person deep down to seeing if you really can spend the rest of your lives together, it's all preparation for marriage. Engagement is preparation for a wedding. The <b>only</b> reason our engagement was more than 3 months was because she wanted a summer wedding.
I told my Wonderful recently that she is, quite seriously, the result of a ten-year active search for a bride. Yes, there were times where God made sure I was focusing on him, but considering the fact that our relationship came straight from Him, the times seeking God could also be looked at as times seeking my bride... just more indirectly
And before the active searching began, I'd been passively seeking a mate ever since I stopped thinking cooties were bad. I only wish I'd come to this realization earlier in life... *helpless shrug*
I didn't read the whole post, mainly because I'm trying to get to bed, but here's my foolish, human wisdom:
Dating should be preparation for marriage, right from the start. From the phase of getting to know a new person to getting to know that person deep down to seeing if you really can spend the rest of your lives together, it's all preparation for marriage. Engagement is preparation for a wedding. The <b>only</b> reason our engagement was more than 3 months was because she wanted a summer wedding.
I told my Wonderful recently that she is, quite seriously, the result of a ten-year active search for a bride. Yes, there were times where God made sure I was focusing on him, but considering the fact that our relationship came straight from Him, the times seeking God could also be looked at as times seeking my bride... just more indirectly
And before the active searching began, I'd been passively seeking a mate ever since I stopped thinking cooties were bad. I only wish I'd come to this realization earlier in life... *helpless shrug*
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Pope Gonzo
Well-Known Member
One more thing... I did skim through the rest of the posts, and I've got 2 questions, one easy and one tough-love:
1)What do you mean by practicalities? Why do you need to have a 2-year engagement? How old are you?
2)Did you really read through and carefully consider everyone's posts? I understand that having the support of both families is probably the most important factor other than God's presence in your relationship, but did you really carefully consider the wisdom that was shared with you in less than 48 hours? I don't mean this to tear down or preach at you, I'm just trying to help you step back and see everything
1)What do you mean by practicalities? Why do you need to have a 2-year engagement? How old are you?
2)Did you really read through and carefully consider everyone's posts? I understand that having the support of both families is probably the most important factor other than God's presence in your relationship, but did you really carefully consider the wisdom that was shared with you in less than 48 hours? I don't mean this to tear down or preach at you, I'm just trying to help you step back and see everything
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first of all, congradulations! obviously it'd be dumb to criticize such a decision....not like you'd get un-engaged.
I think one of the thing that some earlier posters meant by 'not ready' INCLUDES things like financial readiness. I honestly don't think theres any harm in getting engaged knowing you will not be married for quote a while, as engagement should happen once you are 100% sure you want to marry that person. Just because you arent financially ready to be married shouldnt mean you shouldnt get engaged. Engagment should be about an absolute commitment to get married. if you have that commitment, then i don't think you are in anything resembling a dating or courting phase anyways.
That said, I also don't think theres much harm in keeping it as a dating/courting relationship (whichever you believe in), UNTIL you are financially ready enough to book a venue, and do all that other good stuff. Basically, I'm saying that I don't think any of the reasons/issue discussed here are so important that they should dictate when the engagement decision is made. Though I think it would kinda suck to be engaged for so long if for no other reason than that the anticipation would be killing me.
And in response to something WAY earlier, about temptation increasing during engagement....i agree that this isnt entirely true, but one thing some couples overlook is the temptation that occurs around a week or so before getting married....sort of the "we know we're gonna be married, so what's the harm" mindset. As long as you are aware that this mindset can creep up on you, it shouldn't be hard to avoid. If purity and boundaries have been important throughout your relationship, its doubtful you will give in so easily when theres so little time left until you are married, but there are those who fall just before the finish line.
I think one of the thing that some earlier posters meant by 'not ready' INCLUDES things like financial readiness. I honestly don't think theres any harm in getting engaged knowing you will not be married for quote a while, as engagement should happen once you are 100% sure you want to marry that person. Just because you arent financially ready to be married shouldnt mean you shouldnt get engaged. Engagment should be about an absolute commitment to get married. if you have that commitment, then i don't think you are in anything resembling a dating or courting phase anyways.
That said, I also don't think theres much harm in keeping it as a dating/courting relationship (whichever you believe in), UNTIL you are financially ready enough to book a venue, and do all that other good stuff. Basically, I'm saying that I don't think any of the reasons/issue discussed here are so important that they should dictate when the engagement decision is made. Though I think it would kinda suck to be engaged for so long if for no other reason than that the anticipation would be killing me.
And in response to something WAY earlier, about temptation increasing during engagement....i agree that this isnt entirely true, but one thing some couples overlook is the temptation that occurs around a week or so before getting married....sort of the "we know we're gonna be married, so what's the harm" mindset. As long as you are aware that this mindset can creep up on you, it shouldn't be hard to avoid. If purity and boundaries have been important throughout your relationship, its doubtful you will give in so easily when theres so little time left until you are married, but there are those who fall just before the finish line.
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ok twice my computer has crashed so here goes this post again.....
Practicalities: one of the biggest practicalities is obviously finances. Some of you say you shouldnt get engaged until u are financially ready, others say that engagement is a period for marriage preparation which includes preparing finances. I know that we will need the length of our engagement to prepare for finances. I also know that up until now I've spent my life relying on Gods provision, he's always come through for me and I have faith that he'll come through for me on this one. Why put off your wedding because you dont have money when you knwo that God can work miracles? We'd like to prepare financially together, meaning joint savings etc. we dont want to do this until we are engaged.
Other practicalites:
I live in London, it's one of the busiest, most beautiful cities in the world. Trust me wedding venues and wedding transport books up years in advance. We want the best chance of having exactly what we want.
My parents live on the other side of the country but I want them to be actively involved in wedding planning. A long engagement means they can spread their visits over a period of time rather than footing the bill from a distance.
We are both studying at the moment and our courses are very demanding on time. We want to be able to fit wedding planning and marriage preparation around our studies. A longer period of time means that our studies wont suffer. Depending on which year we get married in either one of us will be in our final year (or just graduated that summer. )That means final exams, final portfolios and final year work experience. Wedding planning over that period would be impossible.
We dont want our lives to be consumed by wedding planning, we want to take our time and enjoy it. A year is not long enough to plan OUR wedding and enjoy it when you have such other demanding commitments, like our studies.
Me and my b/f are the most indecisive people in the world. We want to be able to change our minds on wedding stuff and have the freedom to do so without being rushed.
Also, did I ever say that I NEEDED a long engagement? No. We've talked about it and have decided that we would actually quite like one. This doesnt mean we're not ready for marriage, we'd marry each other tomorrow and we'd be fine. But we'd actually quite like a long engagement. Yes people we WANT one. We can always bring the wedding forward from our original date if we decide we want a short one.
Your age question: I am 20 and he is 21. On oour wedding day I'll probably be 23 and he'll be 24- although we can bring it forward a year if we want to. But age doesnt matter if you know that you know that you know that this is it, and if you have Gods guidance on the matter.
2) Do you really think I'd ask such a major question and then not consider the points raised? I asked your opinions so that I could look at it objectively and from every angle. I wanted to see what factors there were to consider which I hadnt thought of yet. I then READ your points and I DISCUSSED a lot of them with my b/f.
But my mother's opinion- the person who gave birth to me, the person who is always looking out for my best interests even when I dont see it, the person who never holds back on her opinion, the person who KNOWS me and KNOWS my relationship and KNOWS whether me and my b/f are ready for this- her opinion carries far more weight than the opinion of strangers on the internet (no offence).
Just because my decision does not coincide with your particular opinion it doesnt mean I'm wrong, and it doesnt mean I havent considered all the options. Neither does it mean that your opinion is wrong- that is the nature of opinion.
I know that I know that I know that I WILL spend the rest of my life with this man. I know that I love him and I'm looking forward to serving him as his wife for years to come. I know that he loves me and he respects me, he encourages me to make my dreams a reality. I know that God is smiling down on our relationship right now and that he is very happy with the way things are going.
It is through your opinions, Gods guidance, discussion with my b/f and discussion with my family that I have made my decision. Its not a decision that I've made lightly or that I havent thought about. Its a decision thats gonna effect me for the rest of my life. I'm perfectly at peace with my decision.
So please be happy for me, even if you wouldnt have done it this way. xx
1)What do you mean by practicalities? Why do you need to have a 2-year engagement? How old are you?
2)Did you really read through and carefully consider everyone's posts? I understand that having the support of both families is probably the most important factor other than God's presence in your relationship, but did you really carefully consider the wisdom that was shared with you in less than 48 hours? I don't mean this to tear down or preach at you, I'm just trying to help you step back and see everything
Practicalities: one of the biggest practicalities is obviously finances. Some of you say you shouldnt get engaged until u are financially ready, others say that engagement is a period for marriage preparation which includes preparing finances. I know that we will need the length of our engagement to prepare for finances. I also know that up until now I've spent my life relying on Gods provision, he's always come through for me and I have faith that he'll come through for me on this one. Why put off your wedding because you dont have money when you knwo that God can work miracles? We'd like to prepare financially together, meaning joint savings etc. we dont want to do this until we are engaged.
Other practicalites:
I live in London, it's one of the busiest, most beautiful cities in the world. Trust me wedding venues and wedding transport books up years in advance. We want the best chance of having exactly what we want.
My parents live on the other side of the country but I want them to be actively involved in wedding planning. A long engagement means they can spread their visits over a period of time rather than footing the bill from a distance.
We are both studying at the moment and our courses are very demanding on time. We want to be able to fit wedding planning and marriage preparation around our studies. A longer period of time means that our studies wont suffer. Depending on which year we get married in either one of us will be in our final year (or just graduated that summer. )That means final exams, final portfolios and final year work experience. Wedding planning over that period would be impossible.
We dont want our lives to be consumed by wedding planning, we want to take our time and enjoy it. A year is not long enough to plan OUR wedding and enjoy it when you have such other demanding commitments, like our studies.
Me and my b/f are the most indecisive people in the world. We want to be able to change our minds on wedding stuff and have the freedom to do so without being rushed.
Also, did I ever say that I NEEDED a long engagement? No. We've talked about it and have decided that we would actually quite like one. This doesnt mean we're not ready for marriage, we'd marry each other tomorrow and we'd be fine. But we'd actually quite like a long engagement. Yes people we WANT one. We can always bring the wedding forward from our original date if we decide we want a short one.
Your age question: I am 20 and he is 21. On oour wedding day I'll probably be 23 and he'll be 24- although we can bring it forward a year if we want to. But age doesnt matter if you know that you know that you know that this is it, and if you have Gods guidance on the matter.
2) Do you really think I'd ask such a major question and then not consider the points raised? I asked your opinions so that I could look at it objectively and from every angle. I wanted to see what factors there were to consider which I hadnt thought of yet. I then READ your points and I DISCUSSED a lot of them with my b/f.
But my mother's opinion- the person who gave birth to me, the person who is always looking out for my best interests even when I dont see it, the person who never holds back on her opinion, the person who KNOWS me and KNOWS my relationship and KNOWS whether me and my b/f are ready for this- her opinion carries far more weight than the opinion of strangers on the internet (no offence).
Just because my decision does not coincide with your particular opinion it doesnt mean I'm wrong, and it doesnt mean I havent considered all the options. Neither does it mean that your opinion is wrong- that is the nature of opinion.
I know that I know that I know that I WILL spend the rest of my life with this man. I know that I love him and I'm looking forward to serving him as his wife for years to come. I know that he loves me and he respects me, he encourages me to make my dreams a reality. I know that God is smiling down on our relationship right now and that he is very happy with the way things are going.
It is through your opinions, Gods guidance, discussion with my b/f and discussion with my family that I have made my decision. Its not a decision that I've made lightly or that I havent thought about. Its a decision thats gonna effect me for the rest of my life. I'm perfectly at peace with my decision.
So please be happy for me, even if you wouldnt have done it this way. xx
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Quantum_Man
Senior Veteran
I'm happy for you, congrats on your decision. I will be engaged for probably a bit over a year by the time we can get married, longer than most it seems who've posted here. But I think it's perfectly fine.
I will be engaged for probably a bit over a year by the time we can get married, longer than most it seems who've posted here. But I think it's perfectly fine.
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