Long Distance & Age Difference...

[karalianne]

My boyfriend lives in England, I live in Canada. He's turning 20 on Saturday, and I'll be 30 in September. We've not met in person yet, but I'm planning to visit (for a whole week!) in August. We've exchanged photos since we became involved, back in March. We've known each other for three years, from a newsgroup; shared interests and all that. Over time, we became friends in the group and then started e-mailing privately and chatting on MSN. For the last month and a bit, we've been doing voice chats - actually talking - once a week. So we know each other quite well already.

I don't have a lot of experience with in-person relationships, nevermind LDRs, and what "real life" experience I have has been either abusive or disrespectful. (And the disrespect was at the hands of a Christian; the abuse was a non-Christian.) I really have no idea what is "normal" (or, at least, common) for a relationship like this.

In the last month, Tom has begun attending church again - he hadn't been since he was about 5 or 6, when his parents divorced - and he's been making some friends who sound absolutely wonderful. I'm ecstatic about this, as it is a direct answer to prayer; I've been asking God to send him local Christian friends.

So, that's the basics of the story, at least. The problem I have right now is that I don't want our meeting in August to be focused too much on the physical aspect of our relationship. Our love grew through long chats and e-mails, and discussions of serious and silly things, and I want to be able to do that in person, too. But I feel a strong need for physical closeness, and I know that he feels the same way I do - and that definitely worries me.

As to past experience, I am a virgin (though my abuser did his best to coerce me into giving that up); he is not. We have talked a little bit about this, and he knows my past just as I know his. We both want to wait to have sex until we're married - something that, should the relationship survive, won't happen for a couple of years.

Any ideas about this would be greatly appreciated... I really don't know what to do, but I know it's something that we need to discuss and sort and plan before I get on a plane!

Thanks, everyone.

-Janna

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

My boyfriend lives in England, I live in Canada. He's turning 20 on Saturday, and I'll be 30 in September. We've not met in person yet, but I'm planning to visit (for a whole week!) in August. We've exchanged photos since we became involved, back in March. We've known each other for three years, from a newsgroup; shared interests and all that. Over time, we became friends in the group and then started e-mailing privately and chatting on MSN. For the last month and a bit, we've been doing voice chats - actually talking - once a week. So we know each other quite well already.

I don't have a lot of experience with in-person relationships, nevermind LDRs, and what "real life" experience I have has been either abusive or disrespectful. (And the disrespect was at the hands of a Christian; the abuse was a non-Christian.) I really have no idea what is "normal" (or, at least, common) for a relationship like this.

In the last month, Tom has begun attending church again - he hadn't been since he was about 5 or 6, when his parents divorced - and he's been making some friends who sound absolutely wonderful. I'm ecstatic about this, as it is a direct answer to prayer; I've been asking God to send him local Christian friends.

So, that's the basics of the story, at least. The problem I have right now is that I don't want our meeting in August to be focused too much on the physical aspect of our relationship. Our love grew through long chats and e-mails, and discussions of serious and silly things, and I want to be able to do that in person, too. But I feel a strong need for physical closeness, and I know that he feels the same way I do - and that definitely worries me.

As to past experience, I am a virgin (though my abuser did his best to coerce me into giving that up); he is not. We have talked a little bit about this, and he knows my past just as I know his. We both want to wait to have sex until we're married - something that, should the relationship survive, won't happen for a couple of years.

Any ideas about this would be greatly appreciated... I really don't know what to do, but I know it's something that we need to discuss and sort and plan before I get on a plane!

Thanks, everyone.

-Janna

Let me ask you this: Were all of your abusers older than you? I am asking this because you are dating someone who is ten years younger than you. It might be different if you were 40 and he was 30, but he is just 20-just barely an adult. He can't even drink legally yet. This is just a guess...but do you perhaps feel more in control in the relationship with a younger man, and because of the abuse in your past...you seek to control everything? Is this right?

 

[karalianne]

Let me ask you this: Were all of your abusers older than you? I am asking this because you are dating someone who is ten years younger than you. It might be different if you were 40 and he was 30, but he is just 20-just barely an adult. He can't even drink legally yet. This is just a guess...but do you perhaps feel more in control in the relationship with a younger man, and because of the abuse in your past...you seek to control everything? Is this right?

Yes, they were older; the first by about four years, the second by seven years.

(By the way, legal drinking age in both Canada and England is younger than in the USA; in my province, it's 18, and I think England is either 18 or 19.)

I definitely like to be in control of things - but that has been true of me since childhood, and it's been changing over the past couple of years. But it's something to think about... though I have been consciously trying not to be quite so self-sufficient and independent (i.e., controlling).




I really want to do the right thing. I want this relationship to continue. I don't want to give him up, but I also don't want to be the cause of anything wrong in his life. I don't know what the best way to go here is, and I don't really even know what the options are.

 

[none the wiser]

...haha. I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend is 3 years younger than me (and apparently I'm barely adult ) People have told me the same thing for the 9 months that we've been together, and for that matter, the year and a half we've been talking to each other every day. That's very stereotypical that an older woman wants control so she picks a younger man. We talk about things, and we are very balanced as far as that's concerned. He has a good head on his shoulders, and I like to think that I do too. In any case, we have a couple years to wait...oh btw, he's in PA. I'm in SC. We are both each other's first real love, his first relationship, my third.

Don't stress about it too much. I had one day with my guy, and a dinner. We spent about 3 hours just sitting there in each other's arms...we were waiting for 8 months to meet, we had all these plans of what to do...and we just sat there, pretending to watch a movie. lol. So don't plan too stringintly, but make sure you have places to go, but also some quiet time to just be together and talk.

Oh and since you're going there, you can worry even less...he's the one that's got to show you around and in England, I think you won't have nothing to do. I hope you have a great time and if you want to ask anything else, please do. I also have a friend that is marrying a girl in England, and he lives in Kalamazoo, Michigan so...I can ask them things too

 

[peanutbutter12]

My only question is, why is he going back to church now? If he is going for the sake of a relationship, then he is going for the wrong reasons. This was a big problem with a lot of the people I've counseled in the past. They would go to church because a girlfriend/boyfriend told them to, they wanted to impress them, they knew they couldn't be in the relationship if they didn't, etc. The thing is, they base their faith on their relationship with another person, and if something goes sour in that relationship and it ends, so does their faith in God. And yes, I have heard all the things like "At least he is getting into church and hearing the word even if it is based on the relationship." And yes, he might stay in church if it ended, but more often than not, they don't. And especially since he hasn't gone since he was 6 tells me that, while he might have believed in God, there is a difference between believing and following.

All I'm saying is be careful. You are playing russian roulette with something more important than a relationship.

CJ

 

[karalianne]

All I'm saying is be careful. You are playing russian roulette with something more important than a relationship.

That I know, which is why I was careful to encourage without pressuring, and why I was praying for Christian friends - I am hopeful that, if he builds close relationships with other Christians, they will be able to support him in the event of a breakup. I do not want (and I have been clear about this with him from the start) his faith to be dependent on me. And I've encouraged him to talk about such things with other people besides myself, specifically because of that possibility.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I think that you are questioning this because you do have doubts about the relationship. The fact of the matter is-you are ten years older than him. He is young-most likely doesn't have much experience in dating....guys get a kick out of dating older women because they think that it makes them more mature...and then...tada! You have to be a mother to him. That type of relationship will not work out.

I would rethink this.

How long have you known him?

 

[karalianne]

I think that you are questioning this because you do have doubts about the relationship. The fact of the matter is-you are ten years older than him. He is young-most likely doesn't have much experience in dating....guys get a kick out of dating older women because they think that it makes them more mature...and then...tada! You have to be a mother to him. That type of relationship will not work out.

I would rethink this.

How long have you known him?

I've known him for three years.

And he has more dating experience than I do. Not in LDRs, though - we're equal there.

 

[none the wiser]

However...

You need to evaluate your relationship. You. Not anyone else. One thing that makes me so angry is people trying to tell me basically what Starling is telling you. She does not know either of you, she is not privy to your conversations. Generalizations do nothing for noone, if you'll pardon the grammar.

You know if he is at the same maturity level as you are. Don't let anyone tell you about your relationship. Take advice into account, but don't let it dictate your actions. The reason I'm so adamant about this, even if you already realized all of this, is because I've had to deal with "You're making a mistake", "Your heart will be broken" and in addition, some really cruel insinuations, from my family no less. Don't let them phase you, I struggled with this hardcore.

This trip will be your answer, truly. You'll find out whether it's meant to be or not. The question becomes, is it worth the risk to you? There is risk but...well speaking from my personal experience, the risk is worth it.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Non the wiser is right. Yet, we all know this. We come to forums like this so we can get feedback from others although in the end-you must make the last decision. We all must do that. Feedback can be very helpful though.

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you feel that this relationship is right?
Why do you want to stay in this relationship for?
Do you two love each other or are there other reasons for being together?
Would God approve?
Where are you and him at right now-are you ready for marriage? Is he?

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I think you should keep in mind the age difference at this time: It might be ok to continue this, but I would not get married until at least he is a bit older....things may change once he reaches full maturity.

Remember, you have known him since he was 17....he was most likely flattered at dating an older woman....

 

[karalianne]

No, if we get married it likely won't be for a couple of years. He's enrolled in a program right now, and while he might come here next year (as in, 2007) to continue his studies at one of the trade schools in the city, it's not definite by any means. And we wouldn't get married before he comes to Canada anyway. He'd be here for at least a year before marriage happened.

Thanks for being so blunt. Really. And, yeah, I came here looking for others' opinions. And I recognise that you-all aren't inside things, you don't know what conversations we've had or how we feel, and I definitely can't sum it up in a single post on a discussion board. But these are important things to think about in any relationship, so thank you.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Yes, I know I am blunt. I usually like to tell it like it is. I don't mean to offend or make you upset; I'm glad that you understand that.

Make your decision, but consider all of the options, things involved, and proceed with caution and under the grace of God.