Loneliness...

[ahmunmun]

I have never posted in this forum before, but now my situation is leading me to fellowship with others here. Firstly, I'm 24 and have never had a single boyfriend. I've had crushes on guys when I was really young (and I'm talking about young as in elementary school), and I do believe in my high school years I did have crushes on one or two guys, but they went away quickly. I'm not sure if anyone here is as old as me and has never dated before, but I suspect that the loneliness we face is different from the loneliness that people who has dated go through. I am not saying that the loneliness is more intense, but just different. I say this because for me, since I've never dated, I still have the chance to make my dream of marrying my first boyfriend come true, so I am incredibly careful about not going out with someone just for "testing the water". I don't look for things I want in a boyfriend for the short term, but I actually look for things I want in a husband for the long term (e.g., I look for a financially responsible person, someone who could get along with my autistic brother, someone who could complement my personality, etc.). This has led me to become pickier than others I know, and this is probably why I'm still single. Sometimes I am tempted to just date and get it over with, and be less picky hoping that I would bump into the right guy by chance, but there's always something holding me back. Due to my standards, it is hard for me to become attracted to a guy, but at the same time the loneliness is there. I feel that I face a different type of loneliness because I know that due to my standards, my needs are not going to be fulfilled anytime soon. This sometimes upsets me, but at the same time I don't want to change my standards.

I admit that in the past, my loneliness has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I was just reading through the thread titled "Born to flirt?" and a lot of stories about flirting sounded familiar - because I do the same thing. It's really hard for me to be attracted to someone but I flirt even with guys I'm not attracted to, only because I want their attention. I've confessed my sins many times and I'm currently trying to make more room for God in my life so that I wouldn't be so lonely. It does help, so I'm trying to do this more.

I'm really asking for your prayer for me to fight against loneliness and to control myself so that I won't start dating for fun or lead guys on with any type of flirting. Also, if anyone wants to share their experience and relate it to mine, this is what this thread is for.

 

[JonMiller]

There are a fair few of us who have never been in a relationship before. I don't really think it is a good thing, by my age women expect and look for more experience.

If you are lonely, and you know that you are picky (if you are looking for the right things, picky is a good thing I think, a lot of picky girls are just looking after confident/handsome men though), then I would suggest being more aggressive in your looking.

JM

 

[ahmunmun]

Yes, being picky is a good thing if I'm looking for the right thing. I've been told by my friends that I am one of the few people who look for the right things, and I don't even have the experience! So I don't think experience always determines how well someone knows what he/she wants. I don't think I can be aggressive in my looking. There just isn't anyone right now that my friends can introduce me to. I know God has the one for me but just not for this moment. My thread is about fighting loneliness for the time being single more than anything else.

 

[Lady Bug]

I'm 28 and have never dated either. I do think part of it is my fault, but I can't turn the clock back.

I think there has to be a certain degree of pickyness when seeking a spouse. This is the person who you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with and have impart some of his values onto your children. You want him to be a good influence.

Not only that - compromising on standards is tough to nearly impossible if the standards pertain to faith and morals. If I were to compromise on such standards, I would be sinning - and my salvation is at stake by doing that. It's not necessarily about being picky - it's also about wanting to be obedient to God. I don't know what to think anymore on this

About the confident/handsome husband thing - it may not be the only thing I'm looking for, but it is still important for me to find my future husband handsome.

 

[ahmunmun]

Well, Lady_Bug, I'm glad I found someone who is in my situation. If I may ask, do you ever feel the loneliness I described and ever just get tempted to date to "get it over with"?

I'm surrounded by guy friends all the time so the temptation of getting one of them to keep me company is there, but I know it's wrong because it might lead him on, since I don't actually have feelings for him.

 

[Lady Bug]

Well, Lady_Bug, I'm glad I found someone who is in my situation. If I may ask, do you ever feel the loneliness I described and ever just get tempted to date to "get it over with"?

I'm surrounded by guy friends all the time so the temptation of getting one of them to keep me company is there, but I know it's wrong because it might lead him on, since I don't actually have feelings for him.

Yes, very much so! (about being tempted to get it over with and the type of loneliness that you have)

I hate it I feel like life is passing me by. But it also saddens me how if I were to get into the types of relationships you were describing, it would likely compromise my faith to an extent, whereas they don't have to compromise THEIR beliefs. It's not right that the believer is the one expected to compromise. It angers me.

It's depressing for me not to be able to share the same values as the person I would be with. To an extent, it would even lead to me sinning.

 

[JonMiller]

Agree, I also prioritize values when looking for a mate. There are a few times in which I could have gotten sex (or maybe even a relationship?) but didn't pursue it because I didn't think the person was who I was looking for.

JM

 

[ahmunmun]

I never thought of it that way, Lady_Bug, but now that you mention it, it is true. And Jon, hang in there and I hope God will give you the right woman someday. I'm in a different position though because I don't actually want sex, but just the company.

 

[LaMandaRaye]

I've had one relationship, but it wasn't a real one. We were more like friends than anything. I still don't feel a connection to other young adults my age who have been in long term relationships, what they dealt with is much different than what I did with my one measley little boyfriend I had.

I am very lonely. I have put myself out there a littel bit in the past. A couple years ago, a guy used to flirt with me and seemed really interested, we exchanged numbers and then I don't know he changed & didn't seem that interested in me anymore once we hung out a bit. He just wanted sex. He did not care about anything I had to say, when I called him he would act bored on the phone and try to persuade me to see him in person a lot. He also tried to use me for a ride, and thought that I'd give him money and things like that.

It's not often that a guy really likes me and cares about what I have to say. So when a guy actually inquiries about me and what I like and where I grew up it shocks me to the point that I stutter and don't know what to say. It's not often that people care about my background. I wish I could change a lot of things about myself to how I look to my personality. At times I've given up on a relationships and would settle to be someone's mistress, at least I'd get some attention from a guy and it's defintely a standard that I accomplish easily. I don't think that I am one of those people who are the girlfriend/wife type. I can't imagine a guy falling head over heels in love with me

 

[20MoreMiles]

I respect that you have high standards, but if it goes to the degree that it makes you depressed or feel lonely on occasional basis, i think it's time to do something about it. Feeling depressed is God's way of telling you to change something about your life, just like the bad feeling of guilt you get when you've done something morally wrong !

And of course i'm not saying you should start a relation with the first bum you meet.... but perhaps dare take a risk and have a little fun. Let's face it: very few people get to marry their first boy/girlfriend, and for good reason: naturally you need time to figure out what you want, and how to get a relationship to work. Oftentimes, it takes months before really figuring out whether you could be with someone in the long term or not.

Last but not least, that extra experience will make you connect even better with your husband, whereas it might go wrong if you don't know how to deal with a relationship.

I'm not trying to scare you or anything, just my thoughts on the subject...

 

[JonMiller]

I know a few people who did marry their first SO. It was generally people like me who couldn't get a date until they were in their mid to late 20s.

Note, these are physicists, not Christians. I know very few Christians (practicing).

JM

 

[lunalinda]

Loneliness is horrid. So very horrid. I haven't had an official relationship in a few years. I have a male friend who goes through the same struggles as me, though, wishing he too can have someone of his own to love and all that jazz. But since we both lack any real prospects we just lean on each other as "substitutions" just to get by and feel at least SOMETHING. I don't condone such things becaues it's an emotional risk, but...sometimes it suffices when you just want to hold someone and to be held so you don't feel so alone.

I hate loneliness.

 

[LaMandaRaye]

Loneliness is horrid. So very horrid. I haven't had an official relationship in a few years. I have a male friend who goes through the same struggles as me, though, wishing he too can have someone of his own to love and all that jazz. But since we both lack any real prospects we just lean on each other as "substitutions" just to get by and feel at least SOMETHING. I don't condone such things becaues it's an emotional risk, but...sometimes it suffices when you just want to hold someone and to be held so you don't feel so alone.

I hate loneliness.

What do you two do, like hold hands and cuddle?

 

[Lady Bug]

Loneliness is horrid. So very horrid. I haven't had an official relationship in a few years. I have a male friend who goes through the same struggles as me, though, wishing he too can have someone of his own to love and all that jazz. But since we both lack any real prospects we just lean on each other as "substitutions" just to get by and feel at least SOMETHING. I don't condone such things becaues it's an emotional risk, but...sometimes it suffices when you just want to hold someone and to be held so you don't feel so alone.

I hate loneliness.

I'm out of reps right now so I can't rep this (so I gave it an honorary rep lol) - but horrid is the only word I can describe it too

 

[lunalinda]

What do you two do, like hold hands and cuddle?

Just whatever the moment calls for I suppose. Cuddles, nice long hugs, etc. Not often, though, do those moments come. Hasn't been any hand-holding though, not for a long while. I should say that he and I kinda have a "thing" for each other anyway; the possibility and the desire for us to be an official "us" has definitely been presented more than once, but it wouldn't be wise for us to have a real relationship for reasons I won't state. Still, that's probably why we're willing to share those dire, desperate, lonely moments with each other instead of no one at all because there's more comfort from someone you've known awhile.

As I said, though, it's risky business because then emotions want to get involved, especially mine. I have difficulty being physically affectionate with someone I forbid myself from connecting with emotionally as well, so yeah. Tough. Ironic, really, that those moments can be nice and yet such a tease at the same time. That's exactly why I don't really condone it. It helps, but hurts. Hurts, but helps. Don't even know if I'm making sense now since I'm very sleepy at the moment.

*yawn*

 

[GQ Chris]

Well you don't have to be lonely. Try this on a Saturdayafternoon, fix yourself up and make yourself look really cute, and then head to Barnes and Noble or Borders books, and then watch the lads gravitate towards you.

 

[JSGuitarist]

To the OP:

I have dated two girls by now, but I certainly understand the loneliness you are talking about. Up until a year ago, it was all "you can look but you can't touch." That is, you see them, you want them, but you know you shouldn't.

To kinda cut to the chase, I learned a lot about myself from both relationships. Don't jump into a relationship, but you may go through one or two guys so that you can learn about yourself first. Particularly in my first relationship (which lasted a week), I was so caught off-guard that this girl and I thought so much alike, but we could never talk. Throughout my first and my second, I learned the cruciality of confidence as a man, and I'm doing what I can to build that confidence for the next time around.

I can probably guarantee you that you won't marry the first guy you date; I hoped at one point I would marry the very first girl I dated, though it certainly didn't happen; not to say that no one ever does. I'm not sure I regret that though, as I have learned things about myself I'm not sure I would have learned well otherwise. You may not even end up marrying someone you feel quite certain about. Truth is, you simply don't know, but there's only one way I've ever found out; going in and seeing. That is the purpose of dating in my book; you like the person, you believe there is a real possiblity of being with that person for life, and you feel it's time to find out.

Be encouraged Like I said, I understand how you feel, and I know it's hard to be in the spot you're in. Should you choose to venture these same paths, I hope that I will have helped you in this.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

As I have grown older I have been able to not put myself into situations with guys who are not "good" for me. I used to date people who weren't Christians or who didn't really live a Christian life....because I was lonely and I really wanted to be with someone. After a long relationship with the wrong person....I have been able to learn that I want to be with the right man, even if that now means less dates for me. I now don't date men that I know don't have the same beliefs, etc...which really limits the field of men. However, despite my lonliness that does come from time to time, I am learning to lean more on God and to wait for the man God has for me and not settle. I want to use my singleness for God and to not just waste it. On another note, God does not call all of us to marry.

 

[amariselle]

I dated once, when I was 18, we dated for about a year and a half and then broke up. I haven't dated since then, ( it's been 4 1/2 years). I find myself feeling very lonely as well when it comes to thinking about relationships and one day getting married. Truthfully there really isn't any chance of me meeting anyone around here, and I am currently in no position to move. I graduated from college this past spring and was laid off from the job I was supposed to have, and I have been looking for work for months.

I just struggle with trusting God with this. I've always wanted to get married and have a family of my own, but I know that God knows this and things aren't always on the timeline we want them to be.

Another thing that I have difficulty with is feeling happy for others when they are in relationships. I guess it could be considered jealousy or envy, but mostly I just feel sad and empty and am reminded that I'm not in a relationship. Quite a few of my friends have just recently gotten married, so that makes it somewhat difficult as well.

That being said, I know that I am fortunate in many other ways, so much so that I have the luxary of even being able to concern myself with things like relationships. I know that there are many people out there who are faced with the reality of even finding a place to sleep at night or food to eat. I may not be in a relationship right now, but whether or not I ever do get married; I know God has not forgotten me.

 

[livingsword]

I am 23 and have not dated either, a couple reasons are that I am afraid to be emotionally attached to someone who will know me better than my parents, and two, I enjoy being single and not having to worry about taking care of, or being cared for. right now, my focus is on establishing a right relationship with God and letting him bring the right person for me, if he so desires.