Living with in laws / parents experiences

[Fivesenses]

What was your experience like living with in-laws/parents under the same roof (not temporarily but long-term basis)? Or what are your thoughts about it, especially when they are growing older (any strategies you guys have used)? What happens if your spouse is from a different racial background and you all have to live together with these barriers? Any horror stories or wonderful experiences?

Personally, I think it might really interfere with a couple's marriage such as issues with privacy, taking sides in conflict, pressure of living up to expectation, finance, raising kids, sexual intimacy, generational differences, wedging between spouses etc (but I've heard the other side of the argument that claims that any person who puts marriage on such a high pedestal before their own parents displeases God because you aren't honouring your parents so it is important to have them live with you so you can take care of them). Thoughts and stories appreciated =D

 

[DZoolander]

When my mom passed - my wife and I went to go live with my dad in their home for a few months to help get things cleaned up/ironed out/get some semblance of order over there. We stayed there for about 4 months. My wife and I stayed in my old bedroom - while dad stayed in his room on the other side of the house. That's my only experience living with parents in that type of scenario.

In a lot of ways - it was pretty good - but we had as ideal of a scenario as you could have. My folks had a big house, and we were on opposite ends. So a lot of the things I would worry about (like you've enumerated) weren't as big of a concern for us. It might have felt a lot different if our rooms were adjacent to each other/etc.

It also (I think) would depend on the makeup of the parties involved. If your parent(s) are meddlesome - that would probably become an issue. My dad was the kind of guy that minded his own business. So I never worried about him intruding in on our lives/situations/etc. We also weren't there for a HUGE amount of time. Four months isn't the same thing as "forever".

So, if you've got a parent that minds their own business that can stay across the house, then maybe it's an ok idea...lol

 

[Poppyseed78]

I don't have experience with this, but I think it depends on the situation, like EZoolander said. In some cultures it's the norm to move in with one spouse's parents, and the household runs very smoothly. The grandparents are always there to provide childcare, and everyone benefits. Of course, this only works when everyone gets along and respects each other's space and privacy. If you're having reservations about it, it's best to address those concerns before moving in to prevent problems later.

 

[Dave-W]

A lot depends on the actual house. We never lived with either of our parents (beyond a few weeks during transitions between houses)

But one time we were visiting DW's parents for an extended weekend and her mom's sister was there also. So we got put in the "Red" room with the squeaky bed. Every time either of us rolled over it was loud enough to wake EVERYONE up in the house. (sound carried well in that one)

When her mom asked how we slept at the breakfast table I mentioned something about the squeaks. So my wife's aunt just said (out loud) to just get on the floor and do our stuff and get back in bed when we were done. Her mom was about 10 shades of red. I am not sure if it was from embarrassment or anger; maybe both.

Wife, aunt, wife's dad and I all cracked up laughing.

 

[akmom]

I think it's a bad idea, especially early in marriage. Couples need to navigate their new lives together, including running the household and finances the way they like. Trying to forge a life around someone else's doesn't accomplish that.

My husband and I did this for two weeks while we waited for our new apartment to become available. We didn't want to renew a whole year lease on our old place, so we moved out at the end of our lease and shacked up with parents in the meantime. It was supposed to be longer, but after two weeks we just took whatever apartment we could get and moved in. I couldn't stand having to plan every little thing around someone else's routine, or having them hover over me all day.

 

[OceanPoet87]

We currently live with my bible believing in-laws and for the most part it has worked out well. We did have our own little beach cabin, steps away from the Pacific Ocean for the first 6 months of our marriage. That time to ourselves was key in setting our boundaries and learning our likes and dislikes. You learn those in dating/courting but you really learn those once you wed. Those six months set a foundation for us almost three years down the road. We still want to get our own place, but we live in a really expensive area so we are patiently waiting and seeking a place.

Anyway, we set boundaries with our in-laws (and they with us) when we moved in. It was supposed to be temporary but we are still here. But, they are FABULOUS and they don't enter our room (or even baby's) if we are asleep/doors are closed. They don't interfere with our occasional disagreements and we don't in theirs. They don't mandate church attendance, but we go joyfully anyways (we love to worship at our church). I respect my father-in-law as head over the physical house and his marriage and he respects mine as my role as family sub-unit head with my wife and baby. It would be different if we weren't all followers of Jesus Christ but my in-laws treat me as their son (a great thing). So ultimately a positive experience even though we'd like to move out & they need to tear down their manufactured house which is falling apart.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Depends on the circumstances. If they have a big house and each couple is at their own end it makes you feel like you have more privacy. Or if your on a second floor. Or if you have a room(s) above a garage (which is separated from the house). Are the parents mean or friendly? Is money tight for them or are the doing well?....etc.

In our case the first home my parents were in was small. It was basically one floor and they had the upstairs bedroom. Our bedroom was next to the living room, bathroom and computer room. So no real privacy. Everything was frustrating. Even intimacy because the floor was wood and the bed squeaked. In the new house its a long house so we have one end to ourselves and the kitchen is the "midway" point. We have a big living room and behind that is our bedroom. So lots of privacy. We can talk, be intimate...etc with no worries.

Next up comes driving. How many cars can the driveway/garage fit? If its a driveway only who parks nearest to the street? Then you got issues like rent, utilities, food...etc. Trying to figure out whos responsible for how much. Next issue is privacy. In our case when my wife first came here my parents would always be knocking on my door and it was annoying. If we are in the bedroom, we either are sleeping or busy. Don't knock unless its urgent. Also don't enter our room when we aren't home. Let us clean it how we want. Thankfully that has become better with my parents, though we do have a lock on the door just to in case.

Next comes conflict. If its your parents house then they likely have ground rules. I mean rules like "No super loud blaring speakers at night!" is one thing. But if they have weird rules like you have to be back to the house by a certain time or they tell you have to cook how they cook, clean how they clean...etc then there will be issues. They have to understand your married adults, not kids. And while you can respect some rules that come with living with someone, others rules you don't have to accept.

Also a parent will also act like a parent to their child. They want whats best but need to realize you are an adult and if they think your going to make a mistake, then they have to accept thats up to you. As a couple you need to learn things without them telling you how it should work/should be done. Though obviously if you want to do something crazy like leave lit candles on a carpet.... they should butt in and tell you not to do it.

Next issue.... alone time. Sometimes with us we get my parents to go out for the day so we have the house to ourselves. Which is nice. Whether it be watching a movie or making food without others to bug you or if it means privacy to connect more.... its good to have and they should understand sometimes you as a couple need time alone just as they do.

Next, modifying the house. In our case my parents bought this house so when they pass we can get it. So to some degree we can currently modify it. But not all parents are like that. For example if you wanted to add a closet or run new wires to your tv through the wall and what not... they may not like it. Again talk about it.

Another issue is money. Even if you agree on household expensises, there may be a point where maybe you make more then them and they will "hint" to you that they need a new fridge or money for a bill they are short on. Of course its fine to help. But if they are just using you for as much money as they can get, it can be an issue.

I could go on but this response is probably a mile long already. We are doing great living at home right now. Is it perfect? No. My mom still has some anger issues. But my wife has adjusted and also realizes my mom needs prayer (and help). Though I don't think every spouse would deal with someone angry in the house all the time. I'm blessed my wife is so patient. Any other issues we have with my parents is simply because we need rides since my wife hasn't got a license just yet. And spending money. Sometimes my mom gets frustrated that we have extra money and she doesn't because she mispends at times.

The only thing that would force us to move is if my wife got pregnant (even if we got along 110% with my parents). Raising kids in a multi family house is not easy. Sort of like all the things I listed, but times two (money, who takes care of the kid, who tells the kid what to do...etc). I know my mom would try to be the parent but its still our child. And in our case we don't want to raise a kid around someone like her.

So in short living with parents as a married couple depends on many factors. Though it really comes down to everyone being willing to give and take on things (boundries). More and more couples are moving back in with their parents. Its not something to be embarrassed about. And in some cases they may have no choice but to move in with them. In our case its sort of how it is for right now.

You did mention what about when it comes to taking care of a parent. Some I know just move the parent in with them. Others move in with them. Some just come by every day and help them. If my dad ends up with dementia (like we think he might) then we wouldn't leave because despite my mom at times, she can't do it alone with him.

Side note... when it comes to who you put on the pedastool the answer should always be your spouse above your parents. Unless your spouse is doing something like wanting to buy a $300,000 car, you should take your spouses side. You can still love your parents while respectfully telling them no on things. Because if you choose your parents more then your spouse, I doubt the spouse will stick around long.

 

[Odetta]

We lived with my in-laws for 9 months after having moved back to their area from living on the other side of the country. It took that long for my husband to find a job, us to find a house, etc., because we didn't want to rush into something. They were insistent we not waste money on rent, anyway, and they got to spend all that time with their first grandchild. This was 3 or 4 years into our marriage, so our boundaries were pretty set.

That said, it was a very small house, so not a lot of privacy. There were a few tense moments, but it was mostly good. When we moved out, I was newly pregnant, btw with number 2. ;-) The floor thing isn't a bad idea.

They now live 15 minutes down the road and we spend a lot of time together. My husband's family is Cuban, and it's MUCH closer (and I don't mean geographic) than my side of the family. Meaning, they can get all up in our business at times. Twenty years in, I've gotten used to it and consider it a blessing. We keep healthy boundaries when it comes to decision making and that sort of thing.

Looking forward to the future, I do think that at some point, someone's parent(s) are going to be living with us in their old age, when they need more day to day help. At least my husband's. When it comes to that, we will need a different house, one with a mother-in-law apartment, so that they can maintain as much autonomy as possible. Neither their house, nor our house will fit the bill, at least without major renovation. And if it's my mom, well, she lives in another state at the moment, and we're not going there, so it will have to be here. And honestly, I don't know which would be easier - my mom or his mom and/or dad. I'm more at ease with my mom, of course, but she's kind of a nut.

We have some friends that just did this- bought a new house and turned the basement into an apartment for her mother (with her own beautiful custom kitchen and everything), and it's working very well for them.

 

[IlsePMB]

From the beginning God said about the union of Adam and Eve (who had no parents) for the man to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Jesus mentions this while on earth as well, so it must be some solid advice God is sharing to secure the union of marriage.

My mother-in-law lives in her own cottage, but on my property. She meddles in our marriage and tells us how to do everything. Initially I ignored it, then I started resenting her for trying to mother me, then I resented my husband for putting her needs above mine.

I thought badly of her and spoke badly of her to my own parents, my husband and anyone that would listen.


One day God ministered to my spirit, that He wants me to honour my parents and as our marriage made us one, this mother-in-law I resented was my mother now. It is hard and every time she is around me I keep on honouring her. I refuse to say bad things about her.

I had to ask my husband to set boundaries. She may not just walk into my home and start taking over. She must knock and ask to come in. I also don't go to her cottage unless it is absolutely necessary.

She hasn't changed, but with the boundaries in place, I can handle her in smaller doses. I also don't talk ill about her anymore. Especially not to my husband.

If you are wondering how he set boundaries with her, he explained to her that our faith is clear about this. He must leave his mother and cleave to me and to ensure our marriage lasts she has to "pretend" she lives miles away and if she cannot respect our wish for this one thing from her, we will have to find her a place to live miles away. He obviously told her that we love her and even though she was unhappy in the beginning she has started obeying our wishes.

 

[Paidiske]

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[anna ~ grace]

Such living situations can place incredible strain on a marriage. It can invite torn loyalties, jealousy (two women in one kitchen), resentment, favoritism, loneliness, and conflicts of interest. Especially if you throw cultural differences into the mix.

My advice? Love and support and care for your in-laws from a distance. It might seem like a lovely and charming idea at first, but once the honeymoon period ends, things can get extremely difficult on everyone.

What was your experience like living with in-laws/parents under the same roof (not temporarily but long-term basis)? Or what are your thoughts about it, especially when they are growing older (any strategies you guys have used)? What happens if your spouse is from a different racial background and you all have to live together with these barriers? Any horror stories or wonderful experiences?

Personally, I think it might really interfere with a couple's marriage such as issues with privacy, taking sides in conflict, pressure of living up to expectation, finance, raising kids, sexual intimacy, generational differences, wedging between spouses etc (but I've heard the other side of the argument that claims that any person who puts marriage on such a high pedestal before their own parents displeases God because you aren't honouring your parents so it is important to have them live with you so you can take care of them). Thoughts and stories appreciated =D

 

[Lemons2lemonade]

What was your experience like living with in-laws/parents under the same roof (not temporarily but long-term basis)? Or what are your thoughts about it, especially when they are growing older (any strategies you guys have used)? What happens if your spouse is from a different racial background and you all have to live together with these barriers? Any horror stories or wonderful experiences?

Personally, I think it might really interfere with a couple's marriage such as issues with privacy, taking sides in conflict, pressure of living up to expectation, finance, raising kids, sexual intimacy, generational differences, wedging between spouses etc (but I've heard the other side of the argument that claims that any person who puts marriage on such a high pedestal before their own parents displeases God because you aren't honouring your parents so it is important to have them live with you so you can take care of them). Thoughts and stories appreciated =D

Give it a trial. One guy I dated wanted us to live with his parents - he would only marry me on that condition. I went and lived with him and his parents for 3 weeks. It was a nightmare! And that was when I was free and single. I can only imagine how much worse it would be with kids!

The Bible says in Genesis 2 that a man shall leave/forsake his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one. It makes it pretty obvious that to be "cleaved" as a couple, the leaving has to happen first.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Don't do it. My mother lived with us for a few years...from the time she had the first stroke until she died. It was HORRIBLE. Utterly horrid. My mother was a control freak and wanted everyone to bow to her every whim. She chose to sit and attempt to order us around. I didn't get along with her anyway, but I really came to pretty much hate her and was relieved when she died. I was used to having my freedom to do as I pleased and hub and I were used to having our space and privacy.

So...don't do it. Just don't. Even if you have to live in a cheap studio apartment, don't do it.