Living Situation

[workenprogress]

Hey, I could really use some counsel on a situation I'm in.

I'm currently sharing an apartment with someone who regularly fornicates with his girlfriend, and being in close proximity to this is a stumbling block for me (I struggle with lustful thoughts, watching pornography, and masturbation). Hearing what goes on and her staying here for days at a time is incredibly triggering.

For some time, he's given off the appearance of being a believer, but I spoke with him, and he let me know that he's actually not a follower of Christ. Since that's the case, I can't really reprove him or approach him as if he were a brother in the faith.

I currently live on the west coast and am not in a position to immediately get another place out here. My options are to continue living here or move back home (east coast). My family is Christian, but I've been experiencing mental abuse from them for the past year (via phone conversations). Things have gotten a bit better (they've acknowledged their wrongdoings and are trying to change), but living on a different coast has made it a bit easier to hide away from their negative behavior.

I've prayed for guidance, but I'm not 100% sure what God would want me to do right now. Any wisdom or words of encouragement would be really appreciated.

 

[bèlla]

Why do you live in an area you can’t afford without having a roommate? You’re subjecting yourself to unnecessary problems. People are different behind closed doors.

Find an area that meets your needs that won’t break the bank.

 

[Albion]

It doesn't sound as though moving back East is much of an option, but have you as yet initiated a discussion with roomie concerning how you and he can effectively share the place?

Failing that, I'd think bella's idea is worth exploring, unless you know it can't work for some reason we aren't aware of.

 

[workenprogress]

I haven't. We have separate rooms (his is right next to mine), and the walls are incredibly thin in the entire apartment. Since that's the case, I don't think I have much of a say. Even if they're not loud (they aren't), I'd still be able to hear them, and it would trigger me.

It doesn't sound as though moving back East is much of an option, but have you as yet initiated a discussion with roomie concerning how you and he can effectively share the place?

Failing that, I'd think bella's idea is worth exploring, unless you know it can't work for some reason we aren't aware of.

 

[rhawk]

I agree with bèlla. However, other thoughts, in whose name is the actual rental agreement for the apartment? If your roommate, you may be out of luck. If you, then you need to sit with your roommate and lay out rules including no over night guests for either of you, no having sex in the apartment.
If he is in control of the rental, consider moving out. As bèlla said, find a place in a state that you can afford. Look for work elsewhere then make the move.
If you want to stay where you are, consider a room for rent, not an apartment. That would be far cheaper. I did that for 3 years in the early 90's in Chicago.

 

[workenprogress]

I agree with bèlla. However, other thoughts, in whose name is the actual rental agreement for the apartment? If your roommate, you may be out of luck. If you, then you need to sit with your roommate and lay out rules including no over night guests for either of you, no having sex in the apartment.
If he is in control of the rental, consider moving out. As bèlla said, find a place in a state that you can afford. Look for work elsewhere then make the move.
If you want to stay where you are, consider a room for rent, not an apartment. That would be far cheaper. I did that for 3 years in the early 90's in Chicago.

Hey thank you for your response, and I'm sorry for not fully clarifying the rooming situation. I'm renting a room in an apartment, and we both have separate leasing agreements with the management company.

 

[Sketcher]

When I had roommates, we had mutually agreed upon rules against this stuff from the beginning. Now, he's not a believer and this is really something that should have been talked about before you moved in together. You could ask him to keep it down or to refrain from it while you're at home, to deal with the noise issue. I don't know how well that will go, but I think that's the only card you can play. So, essentially:

• As a Christian, you don't want it to happen at all.
• As a person, you don't want it to happen around you.

The first is a much harder ask than the second. Maybe something like, "I'm not comfortable when I'm at home and you are having sex in the next room. I need you to not do that when I'm here. Your life is your business and your responsibility, but when I can hear it when I'm trying to relax, it imposes on me. So please, don't do it here, when I'm here." That's your hard boundary. And if you're not at home all the time, he's got some space to work with that you have already provided.

You don't need to tell him that it causes you to lust or any of that.

 

[rhawk]

Hey thank you for your response, and I'm sorry for not fully clarifying the rooming situation. I'm renting a room in an apartment, and we both have separate leasing agreements with the management company.

So so you are just leasing a room from a 3rd party? Your room mate is doing the same? If this is the case, have you talked to the renter about this situation? (though that could make life a bit awkward in the apartment)

 

[rhawk]

One other idea, if you go to church, ask the paster about this. He may have an idea OR even a new living arrangement with another church member willing to rent a room.

 

[workenprogress]

When I had roommates, we had mutually agreed upon rules against this stuff from the beginning. Now, he's not a believer and this is really something that should have been talked about before you moved in together. You could ask him to keep it down or to refrain from it while you're at home, to deal with the noise issue. I don't know how well that will go, but I think that's the only card you can play. So, essentially:

• As a Christian, you don't want it to happen at all.
• As a person, you don't want it to happen around you.

The first is a much harder ask than the second. Maybe something like, "I'm not comfortable when I'm at home and you are having sex in the next room. I need you to not do that when I'm here. Your life is your business and your responsibility, but when I can hear it when I'm trying to relax, it imposes on me. So please, don't do it here, when I'm here." That's your hard boundary. And if you're not at home all the time, he's got some space to work with that you have already provided.

You don't need to tell him that it causes you to lust or any of that.

Hey thank you for your input. I'm going to give what you said some thought. Sorry I didn't clarify, but we didn't move in together. I moved in, and he moved in afterwards. The management company advertises and leases out rooms to people individually.

 

[workenprogress]

So so you are just leasing a room from a 3rd party? Your room mate is doing the same? If this is the case, have you talked to the renter about this situation? (though that could make life a bit awkward in the apartment)

Yeah we're both leasing from a third party. I haven't spoken to the renter, but it crossed my mind today. I'm not sure what vantage point I'd be able to come from with my concern.

 

[Sketcher]

Hey thank you for your input. I'm going to give what you said some thought. Sorry I didn't clarify, but we didn't move in together. I moved in, and he moved in afterwards. The management company advertises and leases out rooms to people individually.

Are you in the same room, or are you in different apartments?

Also, to clarify, he may not receive the words I gave you well. You can modify them a bit, but sometimes people are amenable to change but often when it comes to this they are not. You might start hearing loud music instead, or receive hostility, just to forewarn you.

 

[turkle]

It's unfortunate that you didn't set the rules before he moved in. I agree that you need to set boundaries. Maybe if you talk to them together and let them know that you hear everything they are doing she would be mortified and not show up when you're there. If not, you can still ask them to respect your space, which includes the auditory.

 

[workenprogress]

Are you in the same room, or are you in different apartments?

Also, to clarify, he may not receive the words I gave you well. You can modify them a bit, but sometimes people are amenable to change but often when it comes to this they are not. You might start hearing loud music instead, or receive hostility, just to forewarn you.

We're in separate rooms in the same apartment.

 

[bèlla]

You can’t impose any rules. It isn’t your apartment. You’re renting rooms and on equal footing. You have to agree or move elsewhere.

 

[Albion]

I haven't. We have separate rooms (his is right next to mine), and the walls are incredibly thin in the entire apartment. Since that's the case, I don't think I have much of a say. Even if they're not loud (they aren't), I'd still be able to hear them, and it would trigger me.

This kind of thing is common in college dorm situations, and what often happens is the "not actively engaged" roommate suffers in silence or thinks he has no choice.

But even if you two have separate rooms, it's one apartment; and your comfort in your part of the apartment is something you are entitled to so long as you pay half the rent, etc.

So while it may come to nothing, there's no reason for you not to politely put your concerns to your friend and see if there cannot be some agreement. He may well think, despite what you said about the walls, that he's not having the impact on you that you described.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Hey, I could really use some counsel on a situation I'm in.

I'm currently sharing an apartment with someone who regularly fornicates with his girlfriend, and being in close proximity to this is a stumbling block for me (I struggle with lustful thoughts, watching pornography, and masturbation). Hearing what goes on and her staying here for days at a time is incredibly triggering.

For some time, he's given off the appearance of being a believer, but I spoke with him, and he let me know that he's actually not a follower of Christ. Since that's the case, I can't really reprove him or approach him as if he were a brother in the faith.

I currently live on the west coast and am not in a position to immediately get another place out here. My options are to continue living here or move back home (east coast). My family is Christian, but I've been experiencing mental abuse from them for the past year (via phone conversations). Things have gotten a bit better (they've acknowledged their wrongdoings and are trying to change), but living on a different coast has made it a bit easier to hide away from their negative behavior.

I've prayed for guidance, but I'm not 100% sure what God would want me to do right now. Any wisdom or words of encouragement would be really appreciated.

Sometimes you just have to flee evil, especially if you cannot overcome it and it is harming your faith and your moral life.

 

[philadelphos]

I spoke with him, and he let me know that he's actually not a follower of Christ. Since that's the case, I can't really reprove him or approach him as if he were a brother in the faith.

I currently live on the west coast and am not in a position to immediately get another place out here. My options are to continue living here or move back home (east coast). My family is Christian, but I've been experiencing mental abuse from them for the past year (via phone conversations). Things have gotten a bit better (they've acknowledged their wrongdoings and are trying to change), but living on a different coast has made it a bit easier to hide away from their negative behavior.

I've prayed for guidance, but I'm not 100% sure what God would want me to do right now. Any wisdom or words of encouragement would be really appreciated.

I've been there.-- Oh the misery!

First off, your post lacks self-respect, dignity. Maybe you're not thinking straight. You seem gentle and decent. But maybe you're too familiar with abuse to flag it. Or mentally you're in a rough patch. Either way, not healthy. Also "Christian" is not a social status or privilege, actually the opposite.

Anyhow, what you've described is disrespect/violation of boundaries, disrespect of your person, of the home, and it's psychological abuse, torture, insult, noise pollution, perhaps hygiene, invasion of privacy... You say "temptation" but it's leaning more on sexual harassment: Unsolicited/unwelcome sexual anything. Like a home invasion, minus the physical aggression or violence. --- Using these terms descriptively, not legally.

OK, so apart from prayer. You can neutralise the situation or go down the dispute path. Avoid going home, spend your life outside. Play loud music at home. Or fight fire with fire by inviting people over constantly for a stream of witnesses and buzz kills. lol. All fairly passive.

Otherwise, "Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." (Pro 27:5-6) Confrontation: Speaking up, and often, won't hurt. Call it as you see it. "We talked about that. Please stop!"

If that fails. Dob. Neighbour, parents, minister, teacher, employer. It's a reasonable complaint. "So the bloke who's living with me is... Please help. For my sanity." Shines light on darkness. Shaming in hopes of response. Biblical dispute resolution is to confront with 2 or 3 witnesses. Matthew 18:15-17

As a rule, Scripture teaches to go from community to community, covenant to covenant. Parent's house > Own house/family. Single > Single or Single > Married. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Gen 2:24) There are exceptions, economic/survival reasons, special mission. Fugitive on the run. Otherwise, it's a prodigal son scenario, rebellion, ingratitude, traitor. Absalom.

However, Biblical behaviour is only applicable and enforceable under a biblical household/family/church. Law of the land. Hence, subscription to the Ten Commandments that God commanded included sticking it on the front door, blessing all who enter, coming and going. But you forfeited those or any other privileges having left home, jumping into this arrangement, underestimating the intimacy of living with someone. "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?" (2 Cor 6:14)

So unless there's a higher power, a person in authority, who you can appeal to for help. You're stuck in the mud. Maybe the building manager, land lord, strata management, or 3rd party intervention (borrow a minister, justice of peace, a local doctor or similar -- someone neutral yet respectable) to speak up on your behalf. Gently but directly.

Only God can help you now and long term. --- PRAY for a way out. God promised "good tidings to the meek... liberty to the captives ...to comfort all that mourn" (Isaiah 61) You're asking a forum for wisdom, but where is your personal responsibility? "Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding." (Pro 23:23)

Secondly, what you need (and have always needed) is a kind and loving community (church/synagogue duty) to take you in and look after you the way your parents/family clearly didn't. Or maybe you need a stiff lesson, to learn from mistakes, I can't tell.

But you seem oblivious to basic boundaries, respect as a person, a creature of God, made in his image. Support: emotionally, spiritually, socially. Maybe you're at fault and have to make amends. If so, do that. But it sounds like a your cries tend to fall on deaf ears.

Not exactly fornication I know, but the principle is true: Run! Or just step out when they're around. Go to the park, read, grab a coffee, run, gym, etc.

"But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." (1 Cor 6:17-18) "Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife." (Pro 17:1)

If that doesn't work: Cut and run! (brace yourself) "And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee" (Mt 5:30)

Social break down is a terrible thing. I don't know about the US but in Sydney we have church or para-church organisations that work along side most church groups. To help homeless people, domestic violence cases, child abuse, etc, where the person has no where to go. There's also the state housing service (welfare state).

1. Church services: Call all the churches in your area
2. Family & Friends: Call everyone you know, for spare rooms, a couch
3. Shelters: For homeless etc
4. State services: Government housing
5. House sitting jobs, for temporary accomodation
6. Sleep in your car + gym membership for showers
7. Tent in park or camp grounds: Backpacker style

Once you go down these routes there can be stigma and a mental/emotional health toll. Not for the faint hearted. Ultimately, you gotta toughen up, spiritually. Prayer, fasting, Scripture for starters. Keep your mind sharp.

 

[workenprogress]

Hey is it okay if I PM you my reply?

 

[workenprogress]

Hey is it okay if I PM you my reply?

I've been there.-- Oh the misery!

First off, your post lacks self-respect, dignity. Maybe you're not thinking straight. You seem gentle and decent. But maybe you're too familiar with abuse to flag it. Or mentally you're in a rough patch. Either way, not healthy. Also "Christian" is not a social status or privilege, actually the opposite.

Anyhow, what you've described is disrespect/violation of boundaries, disrespect of your person, of the home, and it's psychological abuse, torture, insult, noise pollution, perhaps hygiene, invasion of privacy... You say "temptation" but it's leaning more on sexual harassment: Unsolicited/unwelcome sexual anything. Like a home invasion, minus the physical aggression or violence. --- Using these terms descriptively, not legally.

OK, so apart from prayer. You can neutralise the situation or go down the dispute path. Avoid going home, spend your life outside. Play loud music at home. Or fight fire with fire by inviting people over constantly for a stream of witnesses and buzz kills. lol. All fairly passive.

Otherwise, "Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." (Pro 27:5-6) Confrontation: Speaking up, and often, won't hurt. Call it as you see it. "We talked about that. Please stop!"

If that fails. Dob. Neighbour, parents, minister, teacher, employer. It's a reasonable complaint. "So the bloke who's living with me is... Please help. For my sanity." Shines light on darkness. Shaming in hopes of response. Biblical dispute resolution is to confront with 2 or 3 witnesses. Matthew 18:15-17

As a rule, Scripture teaches to go from community to community, covenant to covenant. Parent's house > Own house/family. Single > Single or Single > Married. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Gen 2:24) There are exceptions, economic/survival reasons, special mission. Fugitive on the run. Otherwise, it's a prodigal son scenario, rebellion, ingratitude, traitor. Absalom.

However, Biblical behaviour is only applicable and enforceable under a biblical household/family/church. Law of the land. Hence, subscription to the Ten Commandments that God commanded included sticking it on the front door, blessing all who enter, coming and going. But you forfeited those or any other privileges having left home, jumping into this arrangement, underestimating the intimacy of living with someone. "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?" (2 Cor 6:14)

So unless there's a higher power, a person in authority, who you can appeal to for help. You're stuck in the mud. Maybe the building manager, land lord, strata management, or 3rd party intervention (borrow a minister, justice of peace, a local doctor or similar -- someone neutral yet respectable) to speak up on your behalf. Gently but directly.

Only God can help you now and long term. --- PRAY for a way out. God promised "good tidings to the meek... liberty to the captives ...to comfort all that mourn" (Isaiah 61) You're asking a forum for wisdom, but where is your personal responsibility? "Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding." (Pro 23:23)

Secondly, what you need (and have always needed) is a kind and loving community (church/synagogue duty) to take you in and look after you the way your parents/family clearly didn't. Or maybe you need a stiff lesson, to learn from mistakes, I can't tell.

But you seem oblivious to basic boundaries, respect as a person, a creature of God, made in his image. Support: emotionally, spiritually, socially. Maybe you're at fault and have to make amends. If so, do that. But it sounds like a your cries tend to fall on deaf ears.

Not exactly fornication I know, but the principle is true: Run! Or just step out when they're around. Go to the park, read, grab a coffee, run, gym, etc.

"But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." (1 Cor 6:17-18) "Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife." (Pro 17:1)

If that doesn't work: Cut and run! (brace yourself) "And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee" (Mt 5:30)

Social break down is a terrible thing. I don't know about the US but in Sydney we have church or para-church organisations that work along side most church groups. To help homeless people, domestic violence cases, child abuse, etc, where the person has no where to go. There's also the state housing service (welfare state).

1. Church services: Call all the churches in your area
2. Family & Friends: Call everyone you know, for spare rooms, a couch
3. Shelters: For homeless etc
4. State services: Government housing
5. House sitting jobs, for temporary accomodation
6. Sleep in your car + gym membership for showers
7. Tent in park or camp grounds: Backpacker style

Once you go down these routes there can be stigma and a mental/emotional health toll. Not for the faint hearted. Ultimately, you gotta toughen up, spiritually. Prayer, fasting, Scripture for starters. Keep your mind sharp.

Is it okay if I PM you my response?