Living on your own before marrying?

ChristianGolfer · Oct 31, 2012

I think it's good for people to get out on their own - away from parents - before marriage.

You don't have to live completely alone. Maybe you can find a roommate to help with expenses.

The sense of being independent is, I think, pretty important. It gives you the knowledge that if you had to you could make it on your own. And that will help you made better decisions with regard to dating and marriage.

You don't want to find yourself in a situation where you feel like you need a husband. That will make you more willing to compromise your standards and settle on someone who isn't good for you just so you can get out of your parent's house.

Also.... please be wary. You've only heard his side of the story as to why his first marriage ended in divorce. Not saying he's lying. But people often tend to forget or downplay their own part in marital discord and want to blame it all on the other person. Usually there is more to the story...

eatenbylocusts · Oct 31, 2012

I vote for you not moving out; and the opportunity for more fornication would be enough of a reason.

I have been married for a little over 2 years and I was single for about 10 after my ex-husband and I separated. I did a lot of "christian" dating and ran into many men who professed Christianity, but somehow it didn't apply to the area of dating. I got plugged into an awesome Bible-centered church about 5 years ago and did some major growing. After getting some very disquieting feelings about the guy I was dating (thank you Holy Spirit) I learned that he had been quite dishonest and was actually living with a girl friend. I decided to quit the dating scene at that point and really desired to just rest with God. I sincerely wanted to be obedient. One of the single's events I had gone to at my church outlined what a woman should be looking for in a man for a husband. Questions to ask: What are you reading right now (Bible), how are you serving God?
At this painful moment of betrayal I pictured in my head what my husband would look like; serving God first, putting me after God and not letting me get in the way, he would be concerned about my walk with God, he would quickly stop dating other women and looking after getting to know me because he knew what he was looking for and would see me as a jewel to pursue. The man who I married came into my life shortly after this. He had been an online friend for about 4 years and I had turned him down for dates once a year until this all happened and I realized he had a motorcycle while I had recently developed a love for riding. About 2.5 months into our "friendship" I recognized many of these traits in my "friend". He stopped communicating with all other women while we were still friends and even though there was no way I was going to have intercourse before marriage, he even stopped me from breaking another boundary during a moment of weakness on my part. He did that because he cared about my relationship with God and knew it was going to be temporary because he had already put a ring on my finger and wanted to get married asap. We were engaged for a year because the pastor counseling us put us through a lot to make sure we were going to be prepared because of our situations and past.

Your boyfriend is not concerned about your walk with God. This shows that God is not first with him. In the Biblical plan you are to submit to your husband. It is very scary to me to think of submitting to a man who isn't submitting to God. Do you expect God to bless your relationship when you are sinning against Him? That is no way to start a relationship.

My husband did not have all of the qualities that I wrote down that day. At the time we started seeing each other he was not involved in a church, just attending when convienient. After going to my church once, he never stopped. We all realized that I was more advanced in my spiritual walk and the pastor warned us it could be a problem, but he also recognized that he was humble and teachable and had a sincere desire to grow and serve God. The pastor was right on about that, but we were prepared and have had the support and prayers to deal with the situations that have come up. My husband listens and learns to the deacons when we go for prayer. He is willing to submit to their teaching and to God's. Marriage is very hard, but it is manageable if both will submit to God.

There is no doubt that you need to stop having sex. This will help clarify the relationship. And you aren't only hurting yourself, you don't want to be helping your boyfriend to sin and prevent him from having a relationship with God. Do you go to church with your boyfriend when you visit him? Does he go to church with you? Do people know you at your respective churches and are you serving in some way?

Ask yourself if your boyfriend sees you as a priceless jewel that needs to be protected and that he seeks to attain. My husband was the only man who treated me like that. I have to mention that I can remember 3 other men who were godly and put God first and treated me honorably. All three were serving God in their churches and were studying God's word. 2 of them lived in my area and they are actually going to my church now and both are married. I'm glad we never even kissed, lol.

eatenbylocusts · Oct 31, 2012

ChristianGolfer said:
Also.... please be wary. You've only heard his side of the story as to why his first marriage ended in divorce. Not saying he's lying. But people often tend to forget or downplay their own part in marital discord and want to blame it all on the other person. Usually there is more to the story...

I agree with this. The pastor doing our marriage counseling requested to speak with my husband's ex-gf who he had a child with. I already knew she was a crazy loon from the phone calls and texts he was getting, but the pastor wanted to know if my husband was willing to be open to inspection. What we didn't know was she had already called our church to "rat" on him. She quickly showed the pastor how messed up she was and the two pastors who talked to her know the issues we are dealing with and there is no doubt as to culpability after talking to her.

Note: my husband had a sexual relationship outside of marriage that resulted in a child. The child is not a mistake, but the act of being in disobedience to God is something that he is still paying for 14 years later. And the child is paying for it also. His mom chose to end their relationship about 6 years before I came into the picture. I pray constantly that our example we result in salvation for this child and his mother.
There is so much unnecessary pain that comes from being disobedient to God. Sigh........

ChristianGolfer · Oct 31, 2012

eatenbylocusts said:
I agree with this. The pastor doing our marriage counseling requested to speak with my husband's ex-gf who he had a child with. I already knew she was a crazy loon from the phone calls and texts he was getting, but the pastor wanted to know if my husband was willing to be open to inspection. What we didn't know was she had already called our church to "rat" on him. She quickly showed the pastor how messed up she was and the two pastors who talked to her know the issues we are dealing with and there is no doubt as to culpability after talking to her.

I have a similar situation with my husband and his ex. I was wary of my husband's story (before we started dating) because it seemed pretty one-sided. She cheated, she kicked him out so a guy she'd been 'chatting' with could come for a booty call, etc. But my husband showed me texts and emails from his ex about all sorts of things and I quickly learned that she's narcissistic and irrational.

Hetta · Oct 31, 2012

I am glad that you ladies both shared your experiences/testimonies. I hope that they help the OP in making her decision.

Astrid1986 · Oct 31, 2012

I can only share my experiences, but I lived on my own for three months before being institutionalized. We got married while I was in the institution and are only now planning on living together (povided I can get the support of care professionals aside from my husband when I leave the institution). I'm assuming you and your boyfriend are planning on living together right after marriage or even while being engaged. I would say it is a life-enriching experience to live alone, and it can help you prevent dependency on your husband, but my Mom moved in with my Dad right out of her parental home, and my own three months of living independently have been five years ago. If you have a life of your own, like a job or volunteer work or school, friends, etc., that will likely be enough to prevent this dependence. Oh, and I'm assuming here that you don't want to be fully dependent on your future husband. If you do, that's fine with me too but you have to discuss this with your husband.

anglozaxon · Oct 31, 2012

A friend of my wife had a long distance relationship with a guy, he would come down and visit her, they would check into a hotel and "enjoy" the weekend, she paid for the hotel and half of his fuel costs. Then one day she got a phone call from this guys girlfriend. My wife's friend was devastated she had thought that this was a wonderful bloke, and actually he lied to her deceived her and ultimately didn't care about her. Even knowing that she had problems with depression, trust and had little money he was willing to exploit her to satisfy his own selfish desires.

somethingBEAUTIFUL · Oct 31, 2012

Let me just say, you all have given me MUCH to think about. I will be back later to try to answer your questions and such. All in all, though, I appreciate the help!

somethingBEAUTIFUL · Oct 31, 2012

By the way, while I know his family COULD be partial, his mother, brother, and his brother's wife have all said that his ex was "something else."

Hetta · Nov 1, 2012

somethingBEAUTIFUL said:
By the way, while I know his family COULD be partial, his mother, brother, and his brother's wife have all said that his ex was "something else."

In a negative sense "something else"? Sorry, American is not my first language and sometimes I miss cues.

Yes, do remember that his family's knowledge of his first wife's behavior is most likely based upon what your bf' has told them! It is very, very rare for an outsider to get a true picture of what happens within a marriage.

I am glad that everyone helped you, and I have said prayer for you. Do stay close to God, and try to hear HIM in this important decision.

CounselorForChrist · Nov 1, 2012

Your boyfriend is not concerned about your walk with God. This shows that God is not first with him. In the Biblical plan you are to submit to your husband. It is very scary to me to think of submitting to a man who isn't submitting to God. Do you expect God to bless your relationship when you are sinning against Him? That is no way to start a relationship.

That sums it up perfectly. I didn't submit to God in my first relationship really. Neither did the woman at that time. We were a bit selfish about it. But now with my fiance put God first. And she submits to me because she sees I submit to God. Having done it this way now I would NEVER want to do it any other way because it feels best like this!

Ask yourself if your boyfriend sees you as a priceless jewel that needs to be protected and that he seeks to attain.

Something I tell my fiance is she is the crown on my head (as the bible says) because of how she is. She is indeed priceless. And thats how a man should see his future wife.

Luther073082 · Nov 1, 2012

Hetta said:
In a negative sense "something else"? Sorry, American is not my first language and sometimes I miss cues.

Yes, do remember that his family's knowledge of his first wife's behavior is most likely based upon what your bf' has told them! It is very, very rare for an outsider to get a true picture of what happens within a marriage.

I am glad that everyone helped you, and I have said prayer for you. Do stay close to God, and try to hear HIM in this important decision.

Typically when someone says that someone is "something else" it means they are somewhat on the crazy side. Most of the time it's negative, but it would depend on tone of voice. . . if a person is just sort of strange (but not bad) or has a unique ability they might be referred to that way as well. But in the context of the conversation I would say they probably ment she's crazy. And usually it would imply direct experience.

I'm inclined to belive him here. From my experience with her threads, her boyfriend doesn't strike me as a liar at all. But he does strike me as someone who I don't feel totally confident of his intentions.

I don't think he's in it for sex and a breakup either. They've been in the relationship too long and they've already had sex and he's still with her.

My feeling on the guy is he just seems to be more or less looking for a normal SECULAR relationship. Which would involve dating for years and having sex regularly and possibly moving in together before marriage if marriage comes at all. And that's my concern here. . . he doesn't seem to be nearly as interested in marriage as she is and I am not sure where he is spiritually and belief wise.

anglozaxon · Nov 1, 2012

Luther073082 said:
I'm inclined to belive him here. From my experience with her threads, her boyfriend doesn't strike me as a liar at all. But he does strike me as someone who I don't feel totally confident of his intentions.

I don't think he's in it for sex and a breakup either. They've been in the relationship too long and they've already had sex and he's still with her.quote]

Hmm I would like to think he is being honest with her, but we can't really know as the information is all filtered throught the OP, who does seem to being honest, but we all put our own spin on things, even when we don't mean to.

Luther073082 · Nov 1, 2012

anglozaxon said:
Luther073082 said:

I'm inclined to belive him here. From my experience with her threads, her boyfriend doesn't strike me as a liar at all. But he does strike me as someone who I don't feel totally confident of his intentions.

I don't think he's in it for sex and a breakup either. They've been in the relationship too long and they've already had sex and he's still with her.quote]

Hmm I would like to think he is being honest with her, but we can't really know as the information is all filtered throught the OP, who does seem to being honest, but we all put our own spin on things, even when we don't mean to.

Click to expand...

I can't say it for sure, but it's a gut feeling. He doesn't strike me as a liar per se. But I just don't feel the marriage intention in him yet. Maybe it's there but he hasn't shown it.

somethingBEAUTIFUL · Nov 2, 2012

I haven't been able to check this since Wednesday- been rather busy- so I am both thankful and surprised at the responses. I am not sure how to go about answering/commenting on everything, but I will try to get around to it!

LUTHER- You, most of all, I believe have hit the nail on the head about some things. But, you do realize that this guy and I have been dating just shy of one year, right? I didn't want you to get him confused with my ex that you helped me with that one time.

somethingBEAUTIFUL · Nov 2, 2012

Hetta said:
I am glad that you ladies both shared your experiences/testimonies. I hope that they help the OP in making her decision.

I am glad they did, too. Thanks ladies!

Luther073082 · Nov 5, 2012

somethingBEAUTIFUL said:
I haven't been able to check this since Wednesday- been rather busy- so I am both thankful and surprised at the responses. I am not sure how to go about answering/commenting on everything, but I will try to get around to it!

LUTHER- You, most of all, I believe have hit the nail on the head about some things. But, you do realize that this guy and I have been dating just shy of one year, right? I didn't want you to get him confused with my ex that you helped me with that one time.

To be honest I don't even remember the ex of which you speak. (Sorry) I'm just going off of posts within the last few months.

somethingBEAUTIFUL · Nov 5, 2012

Luther073082 said:
To be honest I don't even remember the ex of which you speak. (Sorry) I'm just going off of posts within the last few months.

No problem. That's perfectly fine!

dano884christ · Nov 7, 2012

it's sinful. the bible says in genesis 2 the only reason you leave your parents house is when you get married.

Hetta · Nov 7, 2012

Genesis 2 does not say that it is sinful to leave your parents house before you marry.

Living on your own before marrying?

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