Like to talk to Christian widowers who have accepted their loss

[Omega the Last]

I lost my husband of 31 years of marriage last year, January 18, 2009. It was a shock and unexpected. I have three children, all in their 20's. My husband's and my children's father's death grieved all of us, but we encouraged each other to go forward as my husband would have wanted. My youngest daughter still has hard times and we all are still going through our loss. However, my husband is with the Lord, he wouldn't change that and I wouldn't change it now because he loved the Lord so much and I know he is enjoying Heaven at this very moment. To help my grief at the time, I dove into "busyness", would not dwell constantly on his death. The taxing task of preparing for his funeral kept me busy the first few days. Then settling his affairs and debts took more months. By that time, I had accepted his passing, it was something that I and no one else can change. It's no use wringing my hands and wishing him back, but just look forward to the day I will see him again. I am doing alright now, but I wish to meet widowers who can identify with losing a spouse and have accepted the fact and want to move on with their lives or has already moved on with respect to their deceased love one.

 

[Seabird9]

I lost my husband of 31 years of marriage last year, January 18, 2009. It was a shock and unexpected. I have three children, all in their 20's. My husband's and my children's father's death grieved all of us, but we encouraged each other to go forward as my husband would have wanted. My youngest daughter still has hard times and we all are still going through our loss. However, my husband is with the Lord, he wouldn't change that and I wouldn't change it now because he loved the Lord so much and I know he is enjoying Heaven at this very moment. To help my grief at the time, I dove into "busyness", would not dwell constantly on his death. The taxing task of preparing for his funeral kept me busy the first few days. Then settling his affairs and debts took more months. By that time, I had accepted his passing, it was something that I and no one else can change. It's no use wringing my hands and wishing him back, but just look forward to the day I will see him again. I am doing alright now, but I wish to meet widowers who can identify with losing a spouse and have accepted the fact and want to move on with their lives or has already moved on with respect to their deceased love one.

Dear Omega, my heart aches for you. My husband died 2/25/09 after a less than one month diagnosis of lung cancer. We were married 42 years. All you said goes for me too. I rest in knowing he's with our Lord. I find myself wanting to be with people less & less. Some days are better than others. I go weeks at a time, feeling human again. My greatest pain is knowing my grown & married son has grieved on his own, I guess, but his, & his brother's wife (all Christians) have unreal expectations of me. I'm in a Hospice sponsored partner loss grief group - we meet every Wednesday. I'm hoping God will give me wisdom about re-joining BSF in the fall. If I go to BSF, I'll miss the grief group. Numb is how I feel today. Exhausted too from worry & upset that our family seems divided. Resting in Jesus........

 

[Omega the Last]

Dear Seabird9, I hope you are doing well today. Your husband's death was just as a shock to you and your family as mine was. Ken died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He had been working on something in the cold garage all morning. When he stepped inside the house and took a few steps, he fell and lost consciousness, never to revive. I'm truly sorry you have lost your husband. We are fellow sufferers. But to the contrary, I do want to be with people. I am very lonely when I'm by myself. My son lives with me, but my two daughters live in Virginia. You mentioned your children had unreal expectations of you, if it's not too personal, what are they? I never went to a loss grief group, although my pastor mentioned a few times that there was one at our church led by one of the members. It seemed with work, I was never able to go, but I'm sure it would have helped me. You will have to make the decision about choosing between the grief group and BSF. Is that Bible Study Fellowship? I attended one for a few years. It was wonderful. But pray, the Lord will give you the desires of His heart and will show you what to do. The Lord would not have you worry. Just pray for your children, that's all you can do, and just be there for them, as they should be there for you. We all face difficult decisions. And that's what I am doing too at this point in time. May the Lord bless you and thanks for posting........

 

[Seabird9]

[BIBLE]I so appreciate your response to my message yesterday. The unrealistic expectations are that I should be going to my son's house to play with the boy, 6 and the girl 4. My son & daughter-in-law leave me to be with the kids because they don't see me often enough, and they leave the room. I feel like I'm nothing more than a toy to them. They're children - I love them, but the noise level is excruciatingly painful - both physically and mentally. I am seeing a Christian woman counselor. But as I write I realize that I'm trying to "do" this grieving thing alone - without the help of the only one who can help me......God! Instead of wishing that my children would call me, I need to call them. I've been doing exactly what the enemy wants me to do - isolate. Thank you for responding to my plea. God uses others to reach us. May God bless you today with all His abundance.[/BIBLE]

 

[ThinkJesus]

I'm a widower. It's been over 2 years now. I am moving on but it is a continuing process.

God bless both of you. I will pray for you.

 

[luke226]

May 8th would have been our 30th anniversary and I had a hard day of it. We had renewed our vows for the 25th on Mothers Day five years ago that the Pastor used in his message that day which was the last one we had together. I can say every day will come & go, and your emotions will rise and fall. I had done all those too... blaming God and asking why? From not wanting to get out of bed to not wanting to get into the bed. I walked my youngest down the aisle in Oct and she had a special message for her mom on the back of her wedding program. I have had a few dates and most times my daughters have not been happy about it, but I have to remind myself our vows are "till death do we part". I will say God will give you the strength to make it though each day, even if you are crying on his feet he will lift you up.

 

[alexnbethmom]

i realize i'm kind of late to this conversation....my husband and i had been together almost 20 years, we were almost at our 14th wedding anniversary, he was 2 weeks from my 40th birthday and 3 weeks from his 40th birthday, when he passed away on 2/29/08, essentially of a sleep apnea-induced heart attack in our bed. i am now raising a 13 year old son and 9 year old daughter as a single mother, something i never in a million years thought i'd be doing....

these last 2 1/2 years have been hard and weird at the same time....we grieved him so immensely for the first 1 1/2-2 years, there wasn't a day that went by when i didn't cry, either leaking or sobbing....my kids handled it well enough, utilizing grief classes at school and therapy, we are all adjusting because we have to. we have no choice. i have basically come to the conclusion, finally, that he just isn't coming back, ever. and i can either mope about it for the rest of my life, or i can just live.....there isn't a day that goes by that my kids and i don't talk about him, we're always talking about the funny things he said, or did, his goofy habits, things he did that ticked me off, and we laugh and cry and remember him....

i don't date, i haven't at all, probably never will, actually - but the kids and i are very very busy, always doing things, going places, learning, having fun, etc. i know my husband is in Heaven with his Savior right now, and one day i will meet up with him again, and i know he isn't in any more pain, and he can breathe.....and i know it's time to move on with my life - not to forget him, which i never will, but to keep our lives as normal as possible, which i know is what he would want for us....

God has helped us IMMENSELY through this, and i praise Him so much for this....He has been my Rock and my Salvation.....

 

[MLynn]

Dear Omega The Last (and others): It's amazing to me how many of us lost our spouses about the same time. I was married for over 31 years to a chronically ill husband who became terminal and died on 2/26/08. I've discovered that everyone experiences bereavement differently and I just let each day take care of itself. I don't have any children, but have two goofy, loveable greyhounds that are my "kids." So far I've only been on one date that was a total disaster and I don't know what I was thinking (the Lord saved me from a potentially bad situation).

I'm still having some panic attacks but they don't last 4 hours like they used to which is a blessing and I am blessed with life and the Lord. Whatever we feel as widows is normal and we have to ride through the process; as time passes, the pain lessens. God bless you all!

 

[NoelAsa]

I lost my husband on July 1, 2007. We would have been married for 20 years if he had made it to our wedding anniversary on July 25. He was diagnoised with an aggressive and terminal cancer in March of 2007. He was given only three months to live. He was in radiation and chemo treatment, but it was not a cure. It was to prolong his life by perhaps another year, but it didn't work. When he did pass away, at home, I was still shocked by his death.

The first year was terrible. I went to group counseling and it helped me a lot. I did the counseling for about 1 1/2 years. I know it might sound strange but I got a lot of comfort being around other people who understood what I was going through. A lot of other people, relatives, friends, didn't seem to get it. Even though they meant well.

It is still hard, but it does get better. Everyone grieves in their own way and there is not a right or wrong way. Believing in God and his grace is of course comforting, but talking to other people going through what you are going through will help a lot.

I have no interest in dating, though friends have implied that it is time. I don't think anything has a hard time schedule to follow. Just follow your heart and God's love for you.

 

[MLynn]

I find it irritating that people want me to start dating because "you only have a few good years left." :o I find it so condescending. I'll date if/when God wants me to.

 

[pkrjr]

Greetings from Spokane, WA.
My wife of 25 years went to Heaven last year (01-08-09) and as you all know, it was very difficult. One thing that really helped me was joining a GriefShare support group that was held at my church. I met some great people and this year I'm helping facilate a new group. The series is 13 weeks long and completely based on God's word.
The Lord gave me a special verse during my wife's illness that really helped us both by seeing our circumstances as all part of His plan for us. It's Romans 9:17. "For this very purpose I have raised you up..that My power might be shown through you and My Name would be declared in all the earth". Looking at a difficult situation from His perspective made some sense out of it.
God bless you guys...

 

[Penny75002]

Hello-
I'm Penny. This is my first time here. I lost my husband May 8, 2009. He was a good man and we loved each other very much but he was not a Christain untill a few days before he died. I am so comforted to know that one day I WILL see him again. On that day, we will be together with our Christ- forever.
None of us wanted to be in this "widow/widower" club. Aren't we supposed to be sharing love with our spouse here on Earth till we are like 99 at which point we die peacefully in our sleep together? Sadly, most of the time, there is somebody left behind...
We ache, we feel anger, frustration, confusion and a million other emotions. Yes, we know God loves us and will never leave us and will strengthen us and comfort us... But Death still is rotten. We don't understand.. yet we trust.
We hold on to our Lord. Sometimes it seems like we just barely get from one day to the next though.. day? who am I kidding? more than once over the past year and a half it has been difficult to get from one Minute to another...
People try to help us but unless they have lost a loved spouse, they have no idea how. So... it has been a a few months, a year.. a couple of years.. they try to get us to " get over it".. " move on", etc, etc.
We are survivors and Christains and reasonable adults.. we know that the world keeps spinning and basically now God gives us two more choices.. we can let the waves of grief suck us under and destroy us or we can reach up to our ONLY hope and hang on. We start taking little bitty steps forward and start reaching outside our own pain to help others... we watch as the storm slowly passes over and look for the rainbow.
After my husband died, I stayed busy.. took care of business, remodeled my house, focused my attention on helping my mother care for my father ( who died a couple of months ago in Aug. 2010 ). I got my stuff in order and, during a particulary bad evening, went out on my back patio and just prayed that God would make an asteroid fall from the sky on top of me or a mountain lion ( yes.. in the city! ) jump over my back fence and devour me. I was ready to go.. I wanted to go.. why didn't God take me too?
I know that we are still here for a reason. Jesus will come for us when he is ready. He will send us somebody else for us to love if he wishes, when we are ready. We are not our own. We are his.
NOBODY on this Earth except for a fellow brother or sister in Christ who lost their spouse knows how we feel.
I am glad I discovered this place and happy that y'all help each other.
Believe it or not- I JUST wanted to say hi tonight
May Happy Memories and the Peace God offers fill your night and your life.
Penny

 

[NoelAsa]

Welcome Penny to CF. So sorry for the death of your husband. I see that it has been over a year for you. That first year was the hardest for me. All the birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special dates that my husband was not able to share with me.

Now that is has been over three years I can say that it is better. It will never be alright, but just better.

 

[MLynn]

Hello-
I'm Penny. This is my first time here. I lost my husband May 8, 2009. He was a good man and we loved each other very much but he was not a Christain untill a few days before he died. I am so comforted to know that one day I WILL see him again. On that day, we will be together with our Christ- forever.
None of us wanted to be in this "widow/widower" club. Aren't we supposed to be sharing love with our spouse here on Earth till we are like 99 at which point we die peacefully in our sleep together? Sadly, most of the time, there is somebody left behind...
We ache, we feel anger, frustration, confusion and a million other emotions. Yes, we know God loves us and will never leave us and will strengthen us and comfort us... But Death still is rotten. We don't understand.. yet we trust.
We hold on to our Lord. Sometimes it seems like we just barely get from one day to the next though.. day? who am I kidding? more than once over the past year and a half it has been difficult to get from one Minute to another...
People try to help us but unless they have lost a loved spouse, they have no idea how. So... it has been a a few months, a year.. a couple of years.. they try to get us to " get over it".. " move on", etc, etc.
We are survivors and Christains and reasonable adults.. we know that the world keeps spinning and basically now God gives us two more choices.. we can let the waves of grief suck us under and destroy us or we can reach up to our ONLY hope and hang on. We start taking little bitty steps forward and start reaching outside our own pain to help others... we watch as the storm slowly passes over and look for the rainbow.
After my husband died, I stayed busy.. took care of business, remodeled my house, focused my attention on helping my mother care for my father ( who died a couple of months ago in Aug. 2010 ). I got my stuff in order and, during a particulary bad evening, went out on my back patio and just prayed that God would make an asteroid fall from the sky on top of me or a mountain lion ( yes.. in the city! ) jump over my back fence and devour me. I was ready to go.. I wanted to go.. why didn't God take me too?
I know that we are still here for a reason. Jesus will come for us when he is ready. He will send us somebody else for us to love if he wishes, when we are ready. We are not our own. We are his.
NOBODY on this Earth except for a fellow brother or sister in Christ who lost their spouse knows how we feel.
I am glad I discovered this place and happy that y'all help each other.
Believe it or not- I JUST wanted to say hi tonight
May Happy Memories and the Peace God offers fill your night and your life.
Penny

Penny, I relate to what you've shared. My Hubby's been with the Lord now for over 2 1/2 years and well meaning, but irritating people (male friends) have asked me if I've moved on yet, and that I only have a few good years left...are they crazy? Just the fact that I wake up in the morning and am vertical and conscious makes me so thankful. I still have very bad moments and sometimes my mind tells me that Dave will be home soon. Well he is home, I'm just not with him. I know that God is taking care of us and it will get a bit easier as time goes by. God bless you, Penny! Welcome & a big hug!

 

[Penny75002]

Hello MLynn and PkrJr-
Thanks so much for the nice words. My time and attention has focused on work and helping my elderly mother..
As long as Jesus is with me, I know that I'll be ok.
HE will never leave me.
PKRJR, MLynn we have been so blessed to have known love.
Penny

 

[Shansen]

It's been a year and a half since my Wife died and I've accepted my loss. My kids are grown up and I make sure that I go visit them on a regular basis and my parents were also great support. I haven't started dating yet, but in a while.