Lifetime Singleness

[Selena777]

I'm looking into both the possibility and probability of lifetime singleness - I've known from an early time in my life that I don't want children, and I just can't see myself submitting to a husband - the only problem is my burgeoning sex drive, which is probably unusual for a female. I just don't know what to do about it... well I know what to do, I just don't know how I'm going to do it for the rest of my life. It has been said that such desires can be sublimated - though I'd prefer complete elimination - but I don't know how to do that either. Does the oft-quoted "better to marry than to burn" verse apply, or am I going to have to travel this desolate and difficult road?

 

[little esther]

if you're committed to serving God you will not have to travel a desolate and difficult road. God knows your heart and if you want a life of singleness he will be there to guide you though it. i know because i have a lived a life of singleness and i will be 48 this year. but i had to trust God and give him my life. yes the bible says it is better to marry than to go to hell, but with God's help you can make it as a single person.if you need someone to talk to , you can pm me. i'll do the best i can to answer your questions. always remember GOD IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP YOU IF YOU CALL ON HIM.

 

[vinc]

Personally, i am thinking of remaining in "lifetime singleness" too because of various reasons although just like you i am also afraid whether i can really get along till the end of my life without another human companion. My elders advise me "who will take care of you when are not well or when you become old". This scares me a little and makes me think.

I was a person with a high sex-drive and found it difficult to control and discipline my bodily appetites even after i was born-again 12 years ago approx and the only way i could give vent to was thru masturbation (because i knew that fornication and adultery were even bigger sins). Now, i am able to control my body a lot better than before and have been able to overcome masturbation too although i can only say that as long as God's grace is there i can control my bodily appetites too.

We all have a little portion of Eros in us which however needs to be given the last priority if we are seeking to remain single and sexually pure.

In your case, i hope God brings along a meek and understanding guy in your life who won't put undue demands on submissiveness. I also think, being submissive is not difficult when we have love for our life-partner. Submission to our life-partner is a spontaneous thing which springs out of our love and respect for our life-partner. If we hate or despise our life-partner then it is difficult to remain in submission to him/her. That is why i always feel it would work out well, if we marry the person whom we have genuine love and respect and if our life-partner also has genuine love and respect for us then it would be even more blissful.

Apostle Paul, on one hand, says to remain single, for the single person careth for the things of the Lord more than a married person because the married person has to take care of his/her family too. On the other hand, Apostle Paul also suggests it is good to marry than to burn. He also prefers younger widows to get married again because of this same reason. He also suggests married people not to abstain from having sexual-intercourse with their respective life-partners. And He says each person has the proper gift from God. That means, if celibacy is a gift of God to one person then marriage is also a gift of God to another person.

We need to seek God's will in this matter. However, God will honour our decision of remaining celibate too. If God wants you to get married, then, He is bound to let you know of His will to you in His own mysterious ways. Probably the person (whom God may choose) would be easy to get along and be able to supply your physical need too.

I hope this reply encourages you in anyway to take the right decision.

Lord bless you.

 

[Nico]

you're not the only female with a high sex drive. i don't know. a marriage doesn't have to include children. i think it's unfortunate when people limit their definition of marriage to a very small scope. if you don't think you're meant to be a mother, that does not necessarily preclude you from partaking in marriage. as for the whole submission thing, i plan on marrying someone who thinks of me as his equal. i don't really buy into the wife being submissive to the huband deal. i would actually like being a mother one day, but the idea of being married with no children sounds really appealing to me as well--we can travel when we want to, have sex when and wherever we want to, enjoy each others company, and do a whole host of other things that we couldn't do with children. i do believe that marrying just to get married, or to have an excuse to have sex wouldn't be a good idea. if i wasn't really into the guy, but was just marrying him cause i couldn't control my sex drive, then i now it would be a complete disaster. of course, if you want to remain celibate for the rest of your life, then more power to you, but maybe God gave you a raring sex drive for a reason...and that doesn't mean that you have to follow a traditional marriage dynamic....

 

[Jamza]

I don't think that lifetime singleness is necessary in the situation; I don't think you should feel obligated to stay single if u still "burn with passion" as Paul says. Paul also says permenant singleness is a gift; and I think God would prepare you to recieve that gift if he'd given it to you. That's just my interpretation btw, I dont reli know much about it! I'm kind of in an opposite situation where I can't reli find anyone but reli want too! Ah well...

 

[unimportantbuthisnameis]

I don't think that lifetime singleness is necessary in the situation; I don't think you should feel obligated to stay single if u still "burn with passion" as Paul says. Paul also says permenant singleness is a gift; and I think God would prepare you to recieve that gift if he'd given it to you. That's just my interpretation btw, I dont reli know much about it! I'm kind of in an opposite situation where I can't reli find anyone but reli want too! Ah well...

I'll agree with your view on the subject.

 

[boilerblues]

I'm looking into both the possibility and probability of lifetime singleness - I've known from an early time in my life that I don't want children, and I just can't see myself submitting to a husband - the only problem is my burgeoning sex drive, which is probably unusual for a female. I just don't know what to do about it... well I know what to do, I just don't know how I'm going to do it for the rest of my life. It has been said that such desires can be sublimated - though I'd prefer complete elimination - but I don't know how to do that either. Does the oft-quoted "better to marry than to burn" verse apply, or am I going to have to travel this desolate and difficult road?

Wow, you speak of marriage like it's a punishment or something. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God. It's not for everyone, but it's not a bad thing.

What's the problem with submitting to a husband? I hope you understand that the Bible doesn't give that as grounds for "woman get me a beer". Submission is marriage is supposed to be a mutual submission of love for each other, one is not better than the other. The woman is called to submit to her husband, but the man is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Have you read what Christ went through for the church? The women have the much easier charge there. The very foundation of submission in marriage is Philippians 2:1-16, this is a charge to both the husband and the wife.

Singleness is ok, but it sounds like maybe you have a misunderstanding of what a Godly marriage is about.

 

[JPPT1974]

Speaking of Paul, he probably didn't get married nor had a family because he was fulfilling not just his destiny but Jesus' as well as going out and preaching about the Lord & Savior all of his life. Until he would be killed as you all know. But it was also for the better as well not just for Paul and Jesus. But also for people who were lost to become save through Paul's teaching of the living & resurrected Lord.

Maybe you and I all are not meant to get married nor have a family because Jesus wants us to fulfill our as well as his destiny by doing his will and his work whatever that may be. Maybe we are to concentrate on that particular area. Perhaps not to sound cruel but Jesus doesn't think by having a family that would get in the way of our seeking his will and his destiny for us.

 

[Selena777]

I'm kind of in an opposite situation where I can't reli find anyone but reli want too! Ah well...

That's how I'd felt until recently. The teenage/college-age rush towards sex had become a paranoia (not that I'm saying you're obsessed, or anything, only that I can relate) about being married and marriageable in my mind, because, well, it was either that or dying a virgin, under biblical teachings (paraphrased, of course). I'd always had issues with the concept of married submission, however, and I was talking to my deacon uncle about it the other day, and within the course of the conversation, he suggested that maybe I shouldn't get married. Of course, the concept scared me at first, but when I dwelled upon it, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Seeing as my definition of a good marriage (an equal, loving, preferably childless partnership based on the spirit of compromise and pooling our individual strengths ) isn't necessarily based in Scripture, maybe I'm just not "cut out for it". Combine that with a chronic lack of prospects = lifetime singleness for me. There's just this one issue that won't go away. Christian youths, in general, are taught that marriage will be a haven where they can freely express their God-given desires within the bounds of the marriage bed. If I have no haven, no resolution, then how do I deal with it?

 

[fishstix]

Remember that for Christians, leadership is supposed to mean being a servant, not ordering someone around.

 

[boilerblues]

Remember that for Christians, leadership is supposed to mean being a servant, not ordering someone around.

Yup, I sense a flawed understanding of the idea of submission among some people.

Not saying that's the answer to anyone's problems, just something that I'm sensing from this thread. It would probably be worth a new thread of it's own.

 

[Selena777]

Wow, you speak of marriage like it's a punishment or something. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God. It's not for everyone, but it's not a bad thing.

See, I'm trying to find out if I'm part of those that it's "for", or not...

What's the problem with submitting to a husband? I hope you understand that the Bible doesn't give that as grounds for "woman get me a beer". Submission is marriage is supposed to be a mutual submission of love for each other, one is not better than the other. The woman is called to submit to her husband, but the man is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Have you read what Christ went through for the church? The women have the much easier charge there. The very foundation of submission in marriage is Philippians 2:1-16, this is a charge to both the husband and the wife.

While it's not grounds for "Woman get me a beer"- esque behavior, if your/my/whoever's husband becomes an unbeliever or simply a lout, it can easily become the case. And according to 1 Peter 3:1, if that becomes the case, the woman is obligated to get the beer.

 

[boilerblues]

See, I'm trying to find out if I'm part of those that it's "for", or not...



While it's not grounds for "Woman get me a beer"- esque behavior, if your/my/whoever's husband becomes an unbeliever or simply a lout, it can easily become the case. And according to 1 Peter 3:1, if that becomes the case, the woman is obligated to get the beer.

Then I'd say that it rests on you (and trust in God above that) to make a wise decision as to the character of the person you are going to marry. Don't choose him because he's cute, has lots of money, or any other external thing. Choose him because he consistantly displays Godly behavior and shows himself to be a Godly leader in the church, his relationships with others, and his relationships with you. If you choose someone of good character than you have someone that you can work through problems with. No marriage is perfect, every relationship takes time, hard work, love, forgiveness, prayer, and many other things. If you marry a Godly man then you have someone who will committ to you and God to work through those things with you.

As far as the possibility of falling away, that is a big debate people have fought over for centuries. But let me ask you this, are you going to totally reject something that could be an incredible blessing just because of a fear of what might happen? Where is the faith in God in that idea?

I'm not trying to convince you that you need to get married, I'm merely trying to help you look at what submission is and that it might not be those horrible thing you're afraid it might be.

Remember, God will not give you anything that you can't handle by the power of His Grace (there will be many things you won't be able to handle on your own, God allows us these things so that He can be God and we can't). If you do marry and it takes a bad turn then God's Grace will be with you and He will give you all you need. If you stay single then God will give you His Grace to deal with any of the desires you struggle with, be them sexual, heart, etc. God is sufficient for all our needs, He just asks that we trust Him.

 

[waterbear]

I'm looking into both the possibility and probability of lifetime singleness - I've known from an early time in my life that I don't want children, and I just can't see myself submitting to a husband - the only problem is my burgeoning sex drive, which is probably unusual for a female. I just don't know what to do about it... well I know what to do, I just don't know how I'm going to do it for the rest of my life. It has been said that such desires can be sublimated - though I'd prefer complete elimination - but I don't know how to do that either. Does the oft-quoted "better to marry than to burn" verse apply, or am I going to have to travel this desolate and difficult road?

If you want to eliminate desire try distancing techinques - separate your desires from yourself and declare them unimportant. I've thought about performing a final distancing on my romantic interests, but still worry that I won't find adequate meaning without the interests thus the id wins those philosophical flare-ups.

My reasons for possibly not wanting a romantic relationship are a bit more complicated than yours... although I don't like the submission notions either. I think marriage should be a partnership of equals, why should any human declare another a leader? I don't quite understand the notion: I don't see anyone (my managers, team lead at work for example) as my leaders - they simply have some role in an organization, this role creates a relationship between them and me, but in this relationship we both have comprable power over each other. Ultimately I have final control over what I do, so I'll always be my leader whether I like it or not - ditto for my future spouse (if applicable )

 

[Jamza]

What I'd say Selena, is that the biblical marital relationship is kind of different to one sided submission on the part of the wife. Paul basically says to men that if they're gonna lead, there are BIG responsibilities. I actually used to struggle with the concept; coz the idea of men dominating in a relationship seemed like...creepy to me, coz theres such an emphasis on equality in modern day thinking. But I think it can work in a gentle way; not like a dictatorship. hmm hard to explain; theres no call for women to be submissive behond reasonablness; Paul makes it clear that husbands have to be really gentle in any 'authority' they have and not lord it over anyone hmm... still can't explain it, with ur example ur husband could jus be really loving etc, so you just go and get him a beer! Okay, thats not a good example! But its not supposed to be slavery; and the submission thing wouldnt have that many ramifications I dont think; maybe the biggest one would be an attitude thing, like not to go moaning about ur husband and for him to give u the same respect; u know like not showing ppl up the way that bossy women sometimes do to their husbands! The key thing is; the submission concept is God's ideal, therefore it will work and seem reasonable and will be an ideal relationship if we follow it properly. God wouldnt put you in a marriage u'd be uncomfortable with; but if u have that much desire, maybe he does intend marriage for you some day. Sorry, this post is as clear as mud!

 

[Jamza]

Okay got it: if you're in a loving relationship, the submission thing shouldn't be a problem. If you loved ur husband and respected that he has the ulimate final say on stuff, not without discussion ect. and if he loved u and respected your needs, wants and ambitions; there shouldn't be any need for worry. I think the issues of control etc only occur if theres a problem with a relationship. I dont think its unequal, becuase biblically a man is bound just as much to proper leadership as his wife is to submission; its jus a bit different from contempory thinking.

 

[Selena777]

Okay got it: if you're in a loving relationship, the submission thing shouldn't be a problem. If you loved ur husband and respected that he has the ulimate final say on stuff, not without discussion ect. and if he loved u and respected your needs, wants and ambitions; there shouldn't be any need for worry. I think the issues of control etc only occur if theres a problem with a relationship. I dont think its unequal, becuase biblically a man is bound just as much to proper leadership as his wife is to submission; its jus a bit different from contempory thinking.

It just seems like killing a fly with a sledgehammer to me, exchanging 1 person's problem for a set of larger, more complicated problems in a virtually irreversible situation involving 2 people. And sure it's unequal. Think of the relationship between you and your boss. You're entitled to certain rights as a human under the law, but he/she calls the shots, and no one would argue that the boss isn't your boss, even if he's/she's a really nice boss. Not better than you in every respect, but obviously regarded as more experienced or worthy in some fashion. And what problem-free relationship exists? I just don't understand why if a problem comes up, I'm somehow unqualified to solve it if I'm better equipped to do so by virtue (or folly) of my birth.

 

[ChrisWins]

Remember that for Christians, leadership is supposed to mean being a servant, not ordering someone around.

Does this mean no Christian should be in a position to order people around?

Christians who are in a position to order people around - are they somehow bad or being unBiblical?

 

[Jamza]

It just seems like killing a fly with a sledgehammer to me, exchanging 1 person's problem for a set of larger, more complicated problems in a virtually irreversible situation involving 2 people. And sure it's unequal. Think of the relationship between you and your boss. You're entitled to certain rights as a human under the law, but he/she calls the shots, and no one would argue that the boss isn't your boss, even if he's/she's a really nice boss. Not better than you in every respect, but obviously regarded as more experienced or worthy in some fashion. And what problem-free relationship exists? I just don't understand why if a problem comes up, I'm somehow unqualified to solve it if I'm better equipped to do so by virtue (or folly) of my birth.

Hmm... Maybe its not as extreme as you think; no ones suggesting women are incompetant to do things I don't know the circumstances, maybe you know some real control-freak Christian guys or something that have made you get the submission thing way out of proportion. I reli don't think most Christian men get obsessed with controlling their wives; and I think Paul was even speaking to try and reduce female oppression within marriage. Submission is a bad word for some people I think; it has very negative connotations. Of course you wouldn't be unqualified to solve a problem; u could discuss it etc. like any other couple. A loving husband wouldn't try to put you in a position where you felt irritated/demeaned/controlled; at all; and as long as you didn't do the same to him; the biblical submission thing would be fulfilled. It is supposed to be a mutually beneficial relationship. If you felt totally uncomfortable with the whole idea; then I think it would be acceptable to go with whatever kind of relationship works. I think you'd only violate the submission principle by actively trying to control ur husband, which I'm sure you'd agree, no one should do anyway.

By all means stay single and be blessed if God has called you to it; its a gift. But I don't think you shoud abstain just because of this submission doctrine; its the sort of thing thats reeeeeli not a big deal in my opinion. God Bless ya

 

[Mr.Cheese]

"only problem is my burgeoning sex drive, which is probably unusual for a female"

Not unusual. You're human. God made us with that drive there. Girls are socialized to feel that their sexuality is bad or wrong.

I understand that it can be overwhelming sometimes. But I don't feel comfortable about you wanting to sublimate or eliminate it. I see desire as a part of us that is God given. The human creature was made with these qualities. Just be careful about wanting to "undo" something God made or designed.

*hug*