Lifes biggest crossroads

[ddisciple]

Hello Everyone.
This is my first post. I’m From Australia, and am having some real marriage problems.

I have been a christian all my life, I grew up in a very christian family, and attended church every Sunday. I have a reasonably good knowledge of the bible and god’s gospel and laws. My biblical knowledge and faith have been somewhat increased in the last 12 months.

Anyway, ill get to the big part.

I started dating my wife to be back in February 1999. As all relationships start, it was fantastic. She was a christian also, but wasn’t quite so dedicated or strict on gods word as I was. We dated for about 3 or 4 years and she broke it off for a night out with her friends and another bloke who was interested in her. I was naturally devastated, and didn’t know what to do. Thankfully it was only a night and day ordeal. We resumed our relationship, but things where never quite the same as they where. I had some insecurity in me and she said she felt guilty.
We continued dating for a while and she started dropping the subtle lets get married hints. I said I wanted her to become a proper member of our church and make a statement in front of the congregation confessing her faith (which was standard procedure for new members)
she agreed, and after quite a number of sessions with our pastor, she became a member.
I asked her to marry, and 6 months after we got married. (its actually interesting, we started dating february 12 1999, and where married february 12 2005) Anyhow, the wedding was fantastic, everything went well, and it was like heaven on earth.

5 months later and we where pregnant with our first son. We where absolutely ecstatic about it, and truly blessed by god. the pregnancy went so well, and we had no medical issues at all. However things between her and I started to become not as good. She became cranky with me at the drop of a hat, and hardly met my needs, but I put this down to being pregnant, and always told her I forgave her for the things she did to me. In some instances she got so cranky, she would lay into me with fists and pull my hair etc. This was very hurtful to me, but I always remembered the real person she was, and stuck by her.
Things started to go downhill even more when our son was born. Her mother wouldn’t leave us alone. She was ringing everyday, and visiting every second day. I know this is a good time for mothers and their mothers, but this was my new family and she was invading in a big way.
I tried to put my feelings aside and thought I was being ridiculous, but I just couldn’t. when our son was born, I absolutely loved being at home and looking after her and him whilst on leave from work. In some instances when she was absolutely dog tired from a rough day, I would sit up and bottle feed our son so she could get sleep. I felt so attached to her because we where now a family with a son. Never had I felt so loving towards her and our marriage.
I asked her if she wouldn’t mind talking to her mum and asking her to give us some family space, and at first she did. her mum would only visit or ring every second or 3rd day, which was better. the thing that really got to me was the things my wife and I would often talk about were now being replaced by her mother. it felt like I was being invaded. we had a few talks about this, and she eventually stopped agreeing with me, and her mum was back around every second or 3rd day and ringing every day.
I thought I was just getting jealous for no reason, so I asked the lord for help. He pointed me in the direction of a text: Matthew 19:5 which talks about husband and wife leaving mother and father and cleaving together to be one flesh.
I knew I was having the right feelings at this point, because it was a longing to be the number one person in my wife’s life. I was very supportive over the next 6 months, often taking a day off work to look after my wife and son. I was into nappy changes, feeding bathing etc and when he was in bed, I would spend time with her, having that adult contact that everyone needs. which included deep an meaningful conversations, hugs, kisses, sex and love. We then fell pregnant with our daughter, which was a really happy time for us again. it was like renewing our bond together.

However things went bad again, and I was sometimes punched and verbally abused. I remembered all the good times between us, and soldiered on and that I promised her on our wedding day to love her through the good times and the bad. The whole time though, my wife was growing closer and closer to her mother again, and I could feel the distance between her and I. this frustrated me to no end, and my wife wouldn’t do anything to help me. I asked her very nicely if she would mind spending more time and conversation with me as opposed to her mother because a marriage is between husband and wife and 3 is a crowd.

My daughter was born, and once again the mother in law problems got worse. Putting that fact aside for the moment, having another baby with my wife was an excellent feeling, and made me feel even closer to her in that aspect. I stayed at home and spent as much time as I could. I was doing all the house cleaning, cooking meals and doing the washing. I was the domestic engineer for better word. after our daughter my wife was never quite the same. She had a lot of bitterness built inside her and often made life hard for me. I started loosing interest, as she was constantly yelling at me for things, and would always believe something her mother said over something I said. she was always spending time at her parents place, and it really felt to me like I was just an add on. there was this little family circle that involved her parents, my 2 kids and my wife, and I wasn’t involved. on occasions I would hear about how the kids where advancing and doing new things through conversations at her parents place for dinner. We went to marriage counselling, which helped. I felt like we where getting closer. I tried to do my best to make it work, and I felt like she did as well. things where good sometimes and not so good other times. Anyhow, a month or to later she began sleeping in the lounge and wouldn’t sleep beside me anymore. which really hurt and wore me down.

one day it all got too much for me, and I said to my wife that she needed to loose the close connection with her mother, and regain it with me. I was absolutely fed up with being second best. I will admit by this time my patience with her was wearing thinner and thinner, and when she got cranky with me, I would be the same way straight back. things went downhill reasonably quickly from this point. She was talking more and more with her mother, and I had no one to talk with, because my wife wouldn’t listen to me or agree with me on anything. I sometimes realised I was being hard to get along with despite all I was putting up with, and said I was sorry, and tried ever so hard to be like a husband should be. Ephesians 5:25 sums it up. husbands love your wife’s like Christ first loved the church and gave himself up for her.
So I was stuck in a situation where my wife wasn’t being as she should, and she acted almost like she hated me. she threatened so many many times that she was going to divorce me and that I would come home to an empty house, she even said she was going to find another father for the kids, cause she didn’t like me anymore.
I was getting mentally drained more and more, and eventually started seeking help without realising what I was doing.

I met this girl on the internet who was going through similar problems, and we talked more and more about our problems. at first I didn’t think anything of it, because she lived 1500km away and we where just talking and helping each other through the tough times. without realising I started to have feelings for this person because she would listen to me and understand. she was feeling the same way about me. she came to visit friends near me and we met up. we talked some more, and that was all. a month later I was invited to one of my friends place interstate near where she lived, so I went, and of course met with her again to talk. stupid me didn’t realise what was happening, because I was releasing all my hurt and suffering from my marriage. I wont go into detail, but some sexual things happened. We didn’t have sex because I realised all of a sudden what I was doing and how wrong it was. I had an immense feeling of guilt and shame. I said that what we where doing was wrong, and should have never happened and I was sorry. she was upset because she wanted a relationship with me, but I said it was not possible.
I remember driving home in absolute depression and sadness for what I had done. how could I have been so stupid and easily tempted. when I got home, my wife was nicer to me as we had a couple of days doing our own thing which added even more to my guilt. I decided to end all contact with this other girl and tell my wife.
for a week, I tried a number of times to tell her, but I just knew the devastation it would cause. I lost about 10 kilos (22 pounds) in a week. I didn’t hardly sleep or eat properly as I was feeling so bad and knew I had to tell her.
She got onto my work laptop and found the exchange emails between me and this other girl before I could tell her which made things worse.
I spilled the lot to her when she asked if it was true. told her the whole story. this cut her right to the bone emotionally which also hurt me because I knew the devastation it would have caused her. She immediately said the marriage was over, and she packed most of the things in the house up and moved out to her parents within 3 days. during that time I nearly cried the 3 days straight, and pleaded with her to stay. I explained so many times that I understood the pain it would have caused, and how sorry I was. I explained that I was fixed for life, and I would never fall into the same trap again, but it was to no use.

 

[ddisciple]

She moved out in June 2008, She took the kids away, and lived with her parents for about 2 months, then she moved into a rental property. I really struggled to cope for the first 3 or 4 months. I gave her flowers, gave her numerous cards and told her I loved her and wouldn’t ever make such a mistake like that again. I poured the love out despite I was still hurting from all the things she said said and done to me. most of the nice things I said fell on deaf ears, and my kids where missing me, so we went to mediation and I had nearly half custody because of the active father I was in their lives. (I would even take the kids to playgroup on my days off so she could have time to herself prior to any of this)

She came back in december 2008. I was absolutely pleased, and continued pouring the love out and tried to build her self esteem. I worked very very hard to bring our relationship back to a good marriage, but it seemed all my efforts where not working. there where good times, and bad times. eventually we began marriage counselling again approx March 2009. We went to quite a number of sessions, and I did everything the counsellor said to do, sometimes I even did more. she struggled to fulfil her goals for the week, and I could really feel that I was the one working so hard. next session I said to the counsellor that I felt like I was on a one way road, and that she needed to put some more effort in. The counsellor could see my point, and gave my wife some extra things during the next week, but unfortunately, she didn’t fulfil her side of the road.

early May 2009 in one of our counselling sessions, she said the marriage was over, and she couldn’t do it anymore, that it was too hard. I was again devastated because I was longing for the love and affection I have been needing for the past 3 years. I said I didn’t want her to leave, and that it can work. we got home, and I asked her to reconsider again. I said we not only have each other to think about, but our 2 kids.
the next day she went and told her mother, who was supportive of her doing what she is.

I said please reconsider, and stay as long as you like.
later that week, I found an email between her mother and their family friends about our marriage. they had all been talking about us and supporting my wife to do everything she wanted.
I emailed them all back the next day, as I knew where some of the poison in our marriage was coming from for the last couple of years, but didn’t know that everyone was involved. I quoted gods word and really stuck it to them all, expressing that what they where doing was wrong in gods eyes, mine and the children’s sake.
What god hath joined together let not man out asunder Matthew 19:6

Early June 2009, she rang me one day whilst I was at work, and said as of today we have moved out. I said what do you mean by we? What about the children, we haven’t discussed what we will do. long story short, I came home to a nearly empty house. there wasn’t even enough stuff for me to live there. so I had to seek accommodation elsewhere till I bought enough stuff again. no surprises to figure out who did it all. I asked one of the neighbours, who confirmed it was her father, brother and family friends who came in about 20 mins after I left for work and cleaned me out.
it absolutely devastated me. how could someone be so nasty for so long, and do this to me. and to add to it all, she has taken the kids away, and wont let me see them. at first I didn’t know where they even where. I ring them to talk each night before bed, and thought I would give the marriage another try.

I asked her if she could do something for me to which her reply was: you have no control over my future.

I didn’t even make comment, but continued:
We are going to have contact with each other till the day we dye. in discussing the kid’s futures, so could she remove all bitterness and anger from herself in regards to me so she can be happy around me. I said I will forgive her and do the same in return. she disgruntly said: ill try

I have been praying long and hard everyday for the last few years for god to restore our marriage and put distance between her and her parents. And even more so in the last few months. I spoke to the pastor of our church who we had been talking with over the last 12 months for help on a number of occasions he came to talk to us because he knew we where having trouble. in a nutshell, he said to me to keep doing what your doing, cause god sees all. her efforts wont go unpunished if she doesn’t turn from her ways.
I spoke to the pastor of our church about it all after she left, and he quoted 1 Corinthians 7:15 if the unbelieveing departs let him do so, a believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. god has called us to live in peace.

so I figured that maybe god was removing me from a situation I was trying so hard to work on but never seemed to get too far with. I still don’t know wether I should try or not, cause I did promise to stick with her during the good times and the bad. so I began praying to god" please place a hedge of thorns around my wife so that anyone with the wrong intent will be removed from giving her bad advice. and to bind Satan from causing so much havoc in my marriage.

I got a text message from her the other day asking to see me as she wanted to talk. I was naturally excited thinking that she wanted to give our marriage another go, but I was sadly mistaken.
she announced to me that she is 13 weeks pregnant. I was initially hurt really bad, because she threatened to leave me and find someone else a few times. on a number of occasions, she grabbed a bag of clothes and some alcohol and left. she didn’t return those nights, nor would she tell me when she would be back. so I thought she was having a baby with someone else, but she assures me that its mine.
Talk about a hedge of thorns!
we talked some more and I asked her to give us another go for the sake of us, our kids and our unborn child to which she said there’s no chance. she is never coming back. she said that she didn’t want to have any more kids till after her birthday, then she is going to have more (which again hurt me because she wants more kids, but plans to have them with someone else)

I am hurting in a big way. I went to every doctor’s appointment and scan with each of our other children, and now she doesn’t want me to have much to do with it all. she has known for the past 5 weeks, and told her mum, dad and family, all her friends before she told me.


I am at the lowest point of my life. I am at the crossroads. do I keep trying to get our family together, or do I let the unbelieving partner depart? I have been heavily involved with prayer to god who I know will answer my prayer.

I will just make it clear that im not looking to find anyone else, im fully cured of that. im just wanting some comments on peoples similar experiences or advice. or even some wife’s out there who have been in a similar situation against their husbands and how they where turned around to again love their husbands. I would love it if someday my wife would change and we could be reunited, but im thinking the lord might be taking me out of that marriage for a reason.

By the way, I and my (ex) wife are both 29 years old.

 

[ShainaBrina]

3 pregnancies in 4 years? Have you considered that your wife's hormones have been out of wack? She may have even experienced some postpartum psychosis - might explain the violent tendencies etc.

You quoted scripture about cleaving and about loving your wife like the church... Yet I heard you talking a lot about your needs and how your young wife's need to have her mom around bothered you. Are you sure you were preferring her?

The on-line affair was dumb. Nothing justifies that. Again it was about you getting your needs met. And leaving evidence on the pc... were you wanting to get caught? And telling you're wife? Are you sure it's God taking you out of the marriage? Sounds like you gave your wife biblical grounds to divorce you.

I'm not sure the 'let the unbeliever depart' thing really applies here. She tried to forgive and get back together with you but the betrayal of adultery is hard to recover from.

Have you apologized for you part in the break up? For your angry words and attitude? without justifying? Whether it's too late or not seeking forgiveness and acknowledging your part is a good thing to do. It may help her to forgive and heal.

Blessings

 

[DZoolander]

Ehhh - I have mixed feelings on this one.

To an extent - I agree with Shaina above... but the part I take issue with is where she says "Have you apologized for your part in the break up? For your angry words and attitude? without justifying?"

While most of the time I would totally agree with that - I find it hard to in this case.

No offense dude, but it sounds to me like you make a doormat out of yourself. You continually get treated like crap - yet you stick with it. Your wife physically assaults you, and you just come back with "I forgive you". It's almost like you're martyring yourself.

Now - does that "justify" your behavior or your stupid little online affair? No, it doesn't justify it, but ya know, it certainly does explain it.

I don't care how wonderful your spouse is - the truth of the matter is that if you treat them like crap long enough and severely enough - they're gonna leave. My wife is wonderful in all respects - but that does not change the fact that if I treat her like garbage - she's eventually gonna have enough of it and leave. Whether it's just flat out leaving - or first finding another person - it doesn't matter. Either way - the end result is the same.

The simple fact of the matter is that your wife was treating you like garbage - and that's the toll that was paid as a result of it.

Believe me - if I'm wrong - I believe in atoning and apologizing to make things better. But - at the same time - that would be a hard one for me.

If I know that my treating my wife like garbage will inevitably lead her to leave - how angry can I really be when it eventually happens? If I treat her like crap - how much true righteous indignation can I really put out there when she inevitably says "I don't want this any more" and finds something else? I'm not a fool. I know the consequences of my actions. How much can I really feign being surprised when it does occur?

Your wife is the same. Read the bulk of your post again. *THAT* is what your marriage was. What exactly did your wife think was gonna happen? Did she think that sort of thing was going to be able to go on in perpetuity? Anyone that would take that stand and believe that is a fool. Of course she knew what was inevitably going to happen. Nobody can live the rest of their life that way.

To be honest - it sounds to me like she was pushing you to a point where you would finally do something - to provide her an excuse to leave. It doesn't sound like there was a lot of thought given - nor was there much reflection on it. The reaction was immediate - which to me means that it was anticipated and waited for. You did something wrong - which justifies her leaving and feeling good about herself for doing it. She wanted out - she pressed you to a point where you reacted - which then gave her the reason she needed to leave.

That's how I see it - and I dunno just how much apologizing I would do if I were in your shoes. It's hard for me to find cause in apologizing when the actions were a predictable consequence of what was going on (and which she initiated).

So - would I be inclined to bring up her actions if discussing this matter? Yeah - I would. I'd be very inclined to say "You behave like this for years and years, what did you think was going to happen? I'm not going to fight the divorce - in fact I think it's a capital idea. But - word to the wise. Don't treat your next husband like this."

"...and by the way - I want a paternity test on the newest one."

That's how I'd handle it.

 

[~Lynz~]

i found ut hard going reading this ill admit.

only reading ur side of the story id say your wife has depression and u took no notice and focused everything on u. yeah ok there was things wring on both sides in 99% of the time it is b oth sides and u have prob done wrong.

i live 5 mins away from my mum and i will speak to her ever day and if my husband had told e not to id tell him were to go.
haviny a baby pyts a strain on realtionship and ever single women in the world im certain of when they have there own baby they become closer to there mum and me persnally wanted my mum in the labour room with me.

now i know constant speaing to the in laws is annoying but thats what happens. u cant tell some one who to talk to.

i think u and ur wifes realtionship is over u need to let her go and arange it so u can have acess or joint custody or what ever. but u do not need to be together to be good parents.

staying together is a bad realtonship is worst of on the children.

i honestly think ur just moaning to us to play the victim. but hey thats just my thoughts.

i cant believe ur complaining bout ur wife talking bout your marrage and her family saying they they will suport her in what ever she does... thats exavctly what any family should say.

i say get over ur self let ur wife move on and u will have no voilence. u and ur wife have tryed more than once and its not worked. give up.

 

[myanchor]

Definitely get a DNA test on all the kids. She sounds like a user to me. She gets pregnant and gets a patsie, you, to pay for her fun.

 

[Macx]

Wow Lynz, would you like a cheese grater and some isopropyl alcohol so you can get to work on the other raw spots on this guy's wounds? I'm saying you could have been more harsh, maybe by clubbing him while he wears that crown of thorns . . . . not cool.

Ddisciple, she sounds like an unholy blend of the ex-wife I lost to her adultery and the crazy chick I dated too soon afterwards. Sometimes I am grateful that I never had children with my first wife & othertimes . . . well, I'd have custody of them as when my ex ran off with her lover she had no interest in anything like responsibility and woulda left them with me, just like she left everything else that wasn't worth money. I say all that so you know I have been in shoes that are the same color as the ones you have on. I won't say I have walked in your shoes.

Myanchor got it right

Definitely get a DNA test on all the kids.

As for the marriage . . . in your case, you broke it a bit, she broke it a bit . . . who's to blame isn't nearly as relevant right now as the fact that the marriage is truly broken. She has her family to support her and she has taken what she wanted of your stuff. Dust your feet off, make sure you aren't paying child support for anyone else's children and move on.

You can figure out who's to blame a year from now over a pint, but right now you are too close to it. Damage control need to be your focus. The car is rolling, you can't avoid the crash with the wheels pointed at the sky, time to focus on survival.

 

[b.hopeful]

As a woman...your complaints about her relationship with her mother after giving birth raised a HUGE red flag for me. I had a horribly strained relationship with my own mother but after giving birth I wanted her more than anything.

Who do you have in your life? I've heard you mention your wife...and the other woman....do you have friends or close family that you spend time with? Who do you call for a stress relief?

 

[ddisciple]

i lost count of the times i said i was sorry for my actions. i always did my utmost best to make her feel loved and that i was truly sorry for my part. infact after she left me the second time, i asked her to forgive me for anything i had done and try remove all bitterness of me out of her mind, and that i had once again forgave her all the things she did to me. i tried talking to her and suggesting that both of us get our hormones checked (so i wasnt pointing the finger at her) because i knew something wasnt right, but wasnt sure what. (im no professional, just a husband who is trying to get his marrige right)

She seldom said sorry for the things she has done and said to me. when we where going to marrige counselling, our counsellor said to her that she has too close of a bond with her family. That she needed to remove the soul strings with her mother and attach them with me. our counsellor said that when a husband and wife get married there needs to be a cleaving between the married couple, and less attention to your past family. i often questioned myself (trying to find my own faults first) before i pointed the finger towards her.
She was spending far too much time with her mother, and should have been spending it with me. this is what our counsellor said, and is exactly how i was feeling.
i spent less time with my friends and more time with my family as a husband should. i have been spending time with my original family since the breakup, and theyre truly shocked at some of the things that have been going on over the years.

why i stuck with her for so long, and wanted to continue through all the hardship was because of jesus command how we are to forgive 70x7. this really means we are to forgive someone as long as they keep asking for forgiveness. and also where jesus was hanging on the cross and said to the people who had hung him there. father forgive them for they know not what they do. My wife hardly said sorry for anything, but i know it was my duty to forgive her.
i know that when it comes to judgement day i have been forgiven for my sin because i am truly sorry, and have asked for forgiveness so many many times. i know i will never fall into anything like that again.

~LYNZ~ i dont know why you feel you must rub more salt into the wounds, but i can assure you i wasnt the person you are protraying me to be in your assumption.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Saying sorry are just words. They are important to say, but worthless if behavior continues.

I would suggest that you continue to pray for God's intervention, get as much time as possible with the kids, stay away from other women and stay busy in church and hobbies. Don't keep asking or begging this woman to come back. I don't know what you were like to live with, but you shouldn't have to beg. There is a time for softness and tenderness towards a wife, but this isn't the time. It is never right for a spouse to hit another. There should never have been a second time. THIS IS HUGE! Is she hitting the kids too?

It's a shame that her family doesn't see the importance of an intact family, but who knows what they believe about your relationship. They may believe that the marriage is harmful. There is nothing wrong with talking to mom once a day. Why is that a problem? Does the call last for hours? Grandma can be a lifesaver after a baby is born. These things are good in proper amounts.

Spending too much time with mom is just a symptom of the overall problem, not the cause. If you had a great relationship, mom wouldn't be the one your wife was turning to. When you go to court, I would suggest you take that opportunity to ask for her to be evaluated for depression when considering the safety of the kids.

Back to the beginning-it sounds like you had to push your wife along into getting involved in church. Does she have a true relationship with God?

 

[ddisciple]

eatenbulocusts, you are right when you say saying sorry is important, but worthless if actions continue. each time i made mistakes in our marrige, i realised my mistake. prayed for forgiveness, asked my wife for forgiveness, and strived daily to never make the same mistake twice.
as a husband its my duty to love his wife as christ first loved the church, so as bad as she was to me (including the hitting), i had to always love her and stick to gods word.
Im trying trying to spend time with the kids, except she comtinues to hold them away from me. i have spent approx 5 days with them over the last 12 or so weeks now. the last time i had them, they didnt want to go back. when she came to pick them up, the poor little fellows clung to my legs and cried. i dont think she is hitting them, but i have witnessed her being extremely rough with them at times, and i and my neighbours have heard her yelling at them before.
Also you dont need to worry about me finding other women, i am definately cured of that, it will be years before i even think about it if it comes to that. if she suddenly realises her mistakes and asks for forgiveness then i have to do so according to gods word, and if i where to find someone else, then thats like me never forgiving. the point for me where its too late would be her marrying someone else.

She has always said she is a christian, and has been to churches in her life.
when we started dating, she wasnt a member of anywhere. she came to my church mainly because of me, but she said she liked it, and wanted to become a member.
when she asked me to marry, i said we needed to have the same faith and believeing. we both spent many many hours going over things, and even had sessions with the pastor of the church. She agreed with everything i did, and hence we got married.

her family hasnt gone to church in around 7 or 8 years, as they think its not overly important. They only believe what they want to believe (in other words some parts of the bible are too hard to stick with, so they just leave them bits out)
this is the main reason why i dont like her spending too much time with her family. They have weaker beliefs than what my wife and i had, and she would always agree with her mothers advice over mine. this always hurt me because im supposed to be number one in her life. she often talked with her mother first about things she should have talked with me about. thats what a husband and wife relationship is all about, having no one else more important in your life (other than god)

the other day i had an inspiring idea, i booked in with her doctor and told her all the symptoms of whats been going on in the last few years. she said it sounds like theres a medical problem within her, and she is going to try help. it might all amount to nothing, but its worth a try for the sake of saving a family.

If judgement day where tomorrow, i would be really concearned about her salvation. im not judging her, just being a fruit inspector (By your fruits you shall be known) she has gone against gods word, and continues to do so. i pray up to 10 times a day for god to intervene, and to not let her go downhill. i promised to love her, and im trying to do so. (definately no begging though, its in the lords hands)

 

[ddisciple]

Have you apologized for you part in the break up? For your angry words and attitude? without justifying? Whether it's too late or not seeking forgiveness and acknowledging your part is a good thing to do. It may help her to forgive and heal.

Blessings

definately have, and so so many times too. i lost count of the times i said i was sorry, and really showed her i was. i put so much effort into this

No offense dude, but it sounds to me like you make a doormat out of yourself. You continually get treated like crap - yet you stick with it. Your wife physically assaults you, and you just come back with "I forgive you". It's almost like you're martyring yourself.

Now - does that "justify" your behavior or your stupid little online affair? No, it doesn't justify it, but ya know, it certainly does explain it.

The simple fact of the matter is that your wife was treating you like garbage - and that's the toll that was paid as a result of it.

Believe me - if I'm wrong - I believe in atoning and apologizing to make things better. But - at the same time - that would be a hard one for me.

To be honest - it sounds to me like she was pushing you to a point where you would finally do something - to provide her an excuse to leave. It doesn't sound like there was a lot of thought given - nor was there much reflection on it. The reaction was immediate - which to me means that it was anticipated and waited for. You did something wrong - which justifies her leaving and feeling good about herself for doing it. She wanted out - she pressed you to a point where you reacted - which then gave her the reason she needed to leave.

That's how I see it - and I dunno just how much apologizing I would do if I were in your shoes. It's hard for me to find cause in apologizing when the actions were a predictable consequence of what was going on (and which she initiated).

So - would I be inclined to bring up her actions if discussing this matter? Yeah - I would. I'd be very inclined to say "You behave like this for years and years, what did you think was going to happen? I'm not going to fight the divorce - in fact I think it's a capital idea. But - word to the wise. Don't treat your next husband like this."

"...and by the way - I want a paternity test on the newest one."

That's how I'd handle it.

you are right i definately felt like a doormat. she was always treating me like crap and hardly said she was sorry, thing is i promised her to stay through the good times and the bad, and i wanted to honour my promise to her and to god.

you are right again, she did push and push me to a point where i failed. and thats the thing, i was the one who made the mistake. in gods eyes it doesnt justify it, but she has a lot of blame as part of it.
now that you mention her wanting en excuse to leave, she did say that to me not long after she left the first time. her exact words where" i wanted out of this marrige and you gave me a reason to leave"
so i would tend to agree with most of what you have said. cheers fo rthe reply

As a woman...your complaints about her relationship with her mother after giving birth raised a HUGE red flag for me. I had a horribly strained relationship with my own mother but after giving birth I wanted her more than anything.

Who do you have in your life? I've heard you mention your wife...and the other woman....do you have friends or close family that you spend time with? Who do you call for a stress relief?

would you discuss the names you and your husband had picked for your children and give your mother a chance to approve/dissaprove of them? would you make sure your mother was happy before your husband??
i rest my case

my wife was number one in my life, she meant a lot to me, and i thought of her before anyone else. nowdays i have my brothers and family who are utterly shocked at the situation (because i told no one anything about what she was like to me)
i pray to god a lot and read my bible.

Stress relief, well.... i havent taken another hobby on yet, but as the days get better i will

 

[taku60]

I would say she definitly sounds like a user and now you are going to be subject to child support and family law court for the next 18 or so years, depending on the damages to your net income you might want to look into going over seas to live and work so you can keep your income. The biblical issues dont really matter right now because you had cause to leave the moment she first neglected you sexually or initiated the first violence now its just a matter of avoiding extortion. You will have to start over in life and hopefully you will now know how to avoid users.

 

[ddisciple]

I would say she definitly sounds like a user and now you are going to be subject to child support and family law court for the next 18 or so years, depending on the damages to your net income you might want to look into going over seas to live and work so you can keep your income. The biblical issues dont really matter right now because you had cause to leave the moment she first neglected you sexually or initiated the first violence now its just a matter of avoiding extortion. You will have to start over in life and hopefully you will now know how to avoid users.

Iv always wanted to live in America, not really biased where. iv always liked some of the American ways of life, and the general attitudes of the christian people that iv come in contact with..

i totally know where your coming from here. And thats exactly as i would like to do. But

 

[ddisciple]

the thing is in australia it takes 12 months from the day she left me till divorce papers can be submitted. not sure if its the same elsewhere. so that means i have to hope and pray for her and practise forgiveness.

She is going totally against god right about now, and me and the kids (theyre too little to know) but everyone has the chance for forgiveness. Each time she said she hated me, or yelled at me to go to hell i always forgave her. each punch in the face and abusive word i always forgace her. even though she didnt ask for forgiveness or be nice to me.
i went through a lot of physical and emotional torment over the years, i cant even begin to describe how much iv been hurt.
theres a couple of things that are keeping me where i am and praying for her though.

1 husbands love your wifes like christ first loved the church (i need to love my wife as the weaker vessel, and put my life aside for her. this even includes what she has done to me, and continues to do so)

2 i promised her and god to love her through the good times and the bad in the wedding vows. (i didnt know how hard things where going to be, but i sure promised i would stay and love through the hard times, id like to think someone loved and cared enough for me to still stick by me if i went off the rails and to take all the hardship for the sake of my salvation)

3 Romans 7:3 So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man. ( the reverse of that is she is divorcing me, so technically i would become an adulterer if i married another woman)

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I would say she definitly sounds like a user and now you are going to be subject to child support and family law court for the next 18 or so years, depending on the damages to your net income you might want to look into going over seas to live and work so you can keep your income. The biblical issues dont really matter right now because you had cause to leave the moment she first neglected you sexually or initiated the first violence now its just a matter of avoiding extortion. You will have to start over in life and hopefully you will now know how to avoid users.

The biblical issues will always matter. Just because someone has grounds for divorce does not mean that they must. And sorry but, there is no way that God wants a man to pack up and leave the first time a wife says, "Sorry hon I have a headache."

And advising him to leave the country in order to pad his pocket is about the most evil advice someone could give. Who will be raising the kids? How are they supposed to become followers of Christ without someone to lead them? If their father abandons them they will probably have a lot of difficulty in trusting a heavenly father they have never seen. The priceless gift he can give his kids is to provide security and Biblical teaching. The more I think about this the more I am disgusted with this advice. What kind of heathen would flee the country to avoid supporting his kids? What would this say to the world about Chrisitanity? The Bible says we are to take care of the widows and orphans and you are telling him to abandon his own kids! That is shameful.

The kids need to eat, but the most important issue is to make sure they are able to trust in their father and be led by him.

She is going totally against god right about now, and me and the kids (theyre too little to know) but everyone has the chance for forgiveness. Each time she said she hated me, or yelled at me to go to hell i always forgave her. each punch in the face and abusive word i always forgace her. even though she didnt ask for forgiveness or be nice to me.
i went through a lot of physical and emotional torment over the years, i cant even begin to describe how much iv been hurt.
theres a couple of things that are keeping me where i am and praying for her though.

1 husbands love your wifes like christ first loved the church (i need to love my wife as the weaker vessel, and put my life aside for her. this even includes what she has done to me, and continues to do so)

2 i promised her and god to love her through the good times and the bad in the wedding vows. (i didnt know how hard things where going to be, but i sure promised i would stay and love through the hard times, id like to think someone loved and cared enough for me to still stick by me if i went off the rails and to take all the hardship for the sake of my salvation)

3 Romans 7:3 So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man. ( the reverse of that is she is divorcing me, so technically i would become an adulterer if i married another woman)

Did I read right that she proposed to you? There seems to be a consistent theme here of her being the leader. Forgiveness does not involve being a doormat for the husband or wife!

She should never have hit you and there should never have been a second time. It is fine to forgive, but you did not do your job as husband by letting that continue. You actually harmed yourself, kids, and your wife by allowing it. Letting her continue to sin in that way was not helpful or forgiving to her. It probably led to a further downward spiral. This is a horrible, sad situation, but you shouldn't have played the martyr and you can't say you did everything possible to save this marriage because you allowed her to abuse and dominate you. What you wrote seems to indicate that you feel like taking the abuse and forgiving her were things that you should be congratulated for and you think are pleasing to God. That behavior was not conducive to a good marriage and the Bible clearly states that the man is to be the head of the family.

If your wife is denying visitation it's time to go to court asap. If she isn't taking them to church, you need to. She has no right to deny the kids of their father. She may be bent on destruction, but don't let her take the kids with her. Let me just add that it's best to work things out with as much peace as possible. While your waiting for a court date, how about sitting down in peace and working out a schedule? If you can't get that, then tell her you're coming over on such and such day to take the kids out to dinner. The kids don't belong to her.

 

[ddisciple]

Did I read right that she proposed to you? There seems to be a consistent theme here of her being the leader. Forgiveness does not involve being a doormat for the husband or wife!

She should never have hit you and there should never have been a second time. It is fine to forgive, but you did not do your job as husband by letting that continue. You actually harmed yourself, kids, and your wife by allowing it. Letting her continue to sin in that way was not helpful or forgiving to her. It probably led to a further downward spiral. This is a horrible, sad situation, but you shouldn't have played the martyr and you can't say you did everything possible to save this marriage because you allowed her to abuse and dominate you. What you wrote seems to indicate that you feel like taking the abuse and forgiving her were things that you should be congratulated for and you think are pleasing to God. That behavior was not conducive to a good marriage and the Bible clearly states that the man is to be the head of the family.

If your wife is denying visitation it's time to go to court asap. If she isn't taking them to church, you need to. She has no right to deny the kids of their father. She may be bent on destruction, but don't let her take the kids with her. Let me just add that it's best to work things out with as much peace as possible. While your waiting for a court date, how about sitting down in peace and working out a schedule? If you can't get that, then tell her you're coming over on such and such day to take the kids out to dinner. The kids don't belong to her.

you did read it right, she proposed a number of times and i wasnt ready. then when i was ready i proposed.

I think you have the wrong idea of me letting her continue with the abuse. When she continued to abuse me and at times it was frequent i had to physically restrain her. no one stands there and gets repeatedly punched without defending themselfs. most of the time i would hold her like a bear hug (which made her even wilder) but at least i wasnt getting hit.
i told her time and time again that it was wrong of her to be like this, and i was indeed the head of the house and she musnt continue.
What more could i have done? i did everything i could to stop her doing this to me.

Jesus said if you get hit in the left cheek, turn the right cheek, so i dont think i have been a bad husband in any way for this. i tried everything i could to guide my family on the right track

i have all the paperwork in to court and just waiting for the first hearing. im hoping and praying that god will stand beside me in court and ill get awarded half custody (that way i can take the children to church)

 

[annrobert]

Hello Everyone.
This is my first post. I’m From Australia, and am having some real marriage problems.

I have been a christian all my life, I grew up in a very christian family, and attended church every Sunday. I have a reasonably good knowledge of the bible and god’s gospel and laws. My biblical knowledge and faith have been somewhat increased in the last 12 months.

Anyway, ill get to the big part.

I started dating my wife to be back in February 1999. As all relationships start, it was fantastic. She was a christian also, but wasn’t quite so dedicated or strict on gods word as I was. We dated for about 3 or 4 years and she broke it off for a night out with her friends and another bloke who was interested in her.

So in 2002 or 2003 she broke it off.
Was it ever discussed why this happened.
Was there no commitment,was it just friends or was it serious ,like being engaged?
Was she trying to find out if it was serious somehow,in the wrong way?
Was it a one night stand?
Or a night out with friends and another interested guy.
was this her way of finding out if this was supposed to be a serious commitment with you two?
If so why wasn't it discussed after 3 or 4 years whether this was actually leading to marriage or whether this was simply good friends.Maybe she thought you were never going to love her enough to commit.
Granted she handled this the wrong way.
When you two got back together,was the problem ever discussed in depth of what happened, and why?
Did she view you as so needy that it could go undiscussed?
The beginning of the relationship seems odd.
After 3or 4 years it seems you two did not know if you were coming or going.
I think she was maybe trying to find out.In the wrong way.


I was naturally devastated, and didn’t know what to do. Thankfully it was only a night and day ordeal. We resumed our relationship, but things where never quite the same as they where. I had some insecurity in me and she said she felt guilty.
We continued dating for a while and she started dropping the subtle lets get married hints.

Sounds like after about two more years you two got engaged.

I said I wanted her to become a proper member of our church and make a statement in front of the congregation confessing her faith (which was standard procedure for new members)
she agreed, and after quite a number of sessions with our pastor, she became a member.
I asked her to marry, and 6 months after we got married. (its actually interesting, we started dating february 12 1999, and where married february 12 2005) Anyhow, the wedding was fantastic, everything went well, and it was like heaven on earth.
Okay after 6 years of dating you get married

5 months later and we where pregnant with our first son. We where absolutely ecstatic about it, and truly blessed by god. the pregnancy went so well, and we had no medical issues at all.
That is awesome.

However things between her and I started to become not as good. She became cranky with me at the drop of a hat, and hardly met my needs, but I put this down to being pregnant, and always told her I forgave her for the things she did to me.

Forgiving is good and the godly thing to do.However some people need some boundaries put up in order to help them stop bad behaviour.Some people are child like and will get away with what they can unless it is stopped somehow,such as a person leaving the house for awhile.
At least I am trying to find ways for boundaries.
If a person gets to keep up bad behaviour it is unhealthy for both parties and the marriage.Plus the one with the bad behaviour loses any incentive to smarten up.
I am not meaning normal mistakes or bad days,I am meaning if the poor behaviour is ongoing and consistent.
I am trying to look at this objectively as I am not good at this and trying to learn these things myself.



In some instances she got so cranky, she would lay into me with fists and pull my hair etc. This was very hurtful to me, but I always remembered the real person she was, and stuck by her.
She will not respect you if you allow this to continue.Holding her arms to stop her is good but she has to learn their is consequences and she has to control herself.She has to respect you.Treating you like this is a complete disrespect for you and being allowed to continue it perpetrayes more lack of respect.The bible says wives respect you husbands.She needed help to respect you.
How not sure,maybe leaving to a friends house when she does this,to give her a few days to cool off.The more I let my ex beat me and forgave him the worse he got.Forgiving is good but somehow at the same time,an abusive person has to learn there will be some consequences.In order to save the marraige and a healthy relationship.Again not sure how really.


Things started to go downhill even more when our son was born. Her mother wouldn’t leave us alone. She was ringing everyday, and visiting every second day. I know this is a good time for mothers and their mothers, but this was my new family and she was invading in a big way.

Was the phone calls going on and on for hours every day or reasonable?She may have needed her mom for emotional support.Especially if she was depressed.Every second day may be a bit much, but was this ongoing or temporary.New moms depend on their mothers quite abit , it is fairly normal .Having the freedom to do this creates security in the mom and the marriage as as she will not feel stifled or smothered.Also it almost seems like insecurites were going on from the start,that were not dealt with.


I tried to put my feelings aside and thought I was being ridiculous, but I just couldn’t. when our son was born, I absolutely loved being at home and looking after her and him whilst on leave from work. In some instances when she was absolutely dog tired from a rough day, I would sit up and bottle feed our son so she could get sleep. I felt so attached to her because we where now a family with a son. Never had I felt so loving towards her and our marriage.
I asked her if she wouldn’t mind talking to her mum and asking her to give us some family space,

I am not sure just how much time was being taken up,was it like 2 hours 3 times a week or 5 hours 5 times a week,it is hard to know whether this was unreasonable on the moms part or if you were being overly possessive , feeling threatened , or smothering.Phone calls are quite normal between relatives and especially mothers and daughters .Visits are also normal and healthy provided it is not taking up all your private time.I cannot tell by what you are saying whether or not this was happening.It is sad that this was not able to be worked out and compromises made that satisfied both of you.When a couple gets married they still need contact with their family and to maintain their relationships,however those relationships cannot take up all the family and couple time.I had that happen to me and it was very hard to deal with as I need time for myself and my family.In my case Many family members were taking up grossly inapprpiate amounts of our time and with me working it was leaving way too little time for us.There are times for relatives definately and I love them .But they were not giving any space.With them there was no happy medium it was all or nothing.Had I not been working at the time it would have been easier.Still we also need to have time with our relatives parents etc.Marriage does not mean we have to practically cut off all ties.I really am not sure what was happening there .Normally a wife will want enough time with her family and her husband and vise versa.


and at first she did. her mum would only visit or ring every second or 3rd day, which was better. the thing that really got to me was the things my wife and I would often talk about were now being replaced by her mother. it felt like I was being invaded.

I am wondering what was making you feel so threatened by their relationship.Or possibly her feeling smothered.Partners normally want time with each other and it is to be freely given .Something needed working on ,the spirit and not law.



we had a few talks about this, and she eventually stopped agreeing with me, and her mum was back around every second or 3rd day and ringing every day.
I thought I was just getting jealous for no reason, so I asked the lord for help. He pointed me in the direction of a text: Matthew 19:5 which talks about husband and wife leaving mother and father and cleaving together to be one flesh.

5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Again the spirit and not law.This does not mean cutting off all or almost all contact.People need freedom.
6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.


I knew I was having the right feelings at this point, because it was a longing to be the number one person in my wife’s life.
This cannot be forced, there has to be freedom and then a person will come.They cannot feel forced or trapped.They have to feel free.If a child is forced to sit on a parents knee say like in an office they want down.But once they get down they are quickly back to get up on the moms knee.Sort of like that.


I was very supportive over the next 6 months,

Was your wife being supportive and a good wife in this period also?Was it mutual.


often taking a day off work to look after my wife and son. I was into nappy changes, feeding bathing etc and when he was in bed, I would spend time with her
Was she also spending time with you?

, having that adult contact that everyone needs. which included deep an meaningful conversations, hugs, kisses, sex and love.
So you were both spending time together and conversing with each other and meeting each others needs.


We then fell pregnant with our daughter, which was a really happy time for us again. it was like renewing our bond together.


However things went bad again, and I was sometimes punched and verbally abused.
This may well have been a serious depression and hormones going haywire.Maybe she needed help.Still physical abuse is wrong period.The person doing is not showing respect and love and they also are not respecting themself.However she may have needed to be taken to see a doctor and maybe she did not know something was wrong.Maybe she is prone to postpartum depression.



I remembered all the good times between us,
So you both had good times and treated each other good sometimes.

and soldiered on and that I promised her on our wedding day to love her through the good times and the bad. The whole time though, my wife was growing closer and closer to her mother again, and I could feel the distance between her and I.

Maybe she felt safe during her vulnerable periods with her mom.Maybe during pregnancy and after she was ill.

this frustrated me to no end,

A person cannot feel owned, or smothered,they must feel free and then they will come.

 

[annrobert]

continued

and my wife wouldn’t do anything to help me. I asked her very nicely if she would mind spending more time and conversation with me as opposed to her mother because a marriage is between husband and wife and 3 is a crowd.

a person needs to maintain other relationships.Again I am not sure what you consider too little time for you or too much for her mom.Freedom should bring a couple closer.However if their is something extreme that is different.

My daughter was born, and once again the mother in law problems got worse. Putting that fact aside for the moment, having another baby with my wife was an excellent feeling, and made me feel even closer to her in that aspect. I stayed at home and spent as much time as I could. I was doing all the house cleaning, cooking meals and doing the washing. I was the domestic engineer for better word.

Was this temporary or long term , not sure here?



after our daughter my wife was never quite the same. She had a lot of bitterness built inside her and often made life hard for me. I started loosing interest,

In her as a wife?



as she was constantly yelling at me for things, and would always believe something her mother said over something I said. she was always spending time at her parents place,

Was she trying to escape something or just angry?


and it really felt to me like I was just an add on. there was this little family circle that involved her parents, my 2 kids and my wife, and I wasn’t involved.

Were you trying to be involved or resenting their time as a family?Were you trying to be involved or trying to keep your wife away?


on occasions I would hear about how the kids where advancing and doing new things through conversations at her parents place for dinner. We went to marriage counselling, which helped. I felt like we where getting closer. I tried to do my best to make it work, and I felt like she did as well.

So you were both trying and that is a good sign.It shows hope.

things where good sometimes and not so good other times. Anyhow, a month or to later she began sleeping in the lounge and wouldn’t sleep beside me anymore. which really hurt and wore me down.

Was this a response to you losing interest or for some other reason?Or maybe you are not sure why?

one day it all got too much for me, and I said to my wife that she needed to loose the close connection with her mother, and regain it with me. I was absolutely fed up with being second best. I will admit by this time my patience with her was wearing thinner and thinner, and when she got cranky with me, I would be the same way straight back.

So the relationship she had with her mom was becoming unbearable to you and this was leading to bitter arguements and resentments.


things went downhill reasonably quickly from this point. She was talking more and more with her mother, and I had no one to talk with, because my wife wouldn’t listen to me or agree with me on anything. I sometimes realised I was being hard to get along with despite all I was putting up with, and said I was sorry,

I think she needed to feel free in order to trust you.

and tried ever so hard to be like a husband should be. Ephesians 5:25 sums it up. husbands love your wife’s like Christ first loved the church and gave himself up for her.
So I was stuck in a situation where my wife wasn’t being as she should, and she acted almost like she hated me.

I think she possibly felt controlled and that was what she was rebelling at maybe.

she threatened so many many times that she was going to divorce me and that I would come home to an empty house, she even said she was going to find another father for the kids, cause she didn’t like me anymore.

I think she was resenting the sense of control real or imagined, more than anything.

I was getting mentally drained more and more, and eventually started seeking help without realising what I was doing.

I met this girl on the internet who was going through similar problems, and we talked more and more about our problems. at first I didn’t think anything of it, because she lived 1500km away and we where just talking and helping each other through the tough times. without realising I started to have feelings for this person

If wrong feelings were happening it needed to end.


because she would listen to me and understand. she was feeling the same way about me. she came to visit friends near me and we met up. we talked some more, and that was all.
You mean you met up alone?
Did your wife know and agree to this meeting alone?

a month later I was invited to one of my friends place interstate near where she lived, so I went, and of course met with her again to talk.

A mistake yes,a person must not be spending time alone with the opposite sex,especially without their spouse knowing and especially if there are inappropiate feelings.
I know that you are genuinely sorry about it though.It may take your wife some time to heal from this.

stupid me didn’t realise what was happening, because I was releasing all my hurt and suffering from my marriage. I wont go into detail, but some sexual things happened. We didn’t have sex because I realised all of a sudden what I was doing and how wrong it was.

It is wrong what happened and it causes much hurt and pain.It is good you stopped it and that you are truly repentant.

I had an immense feeling of guilt and shame. I said that what we where doing was wrong, and should have never happened and I was sorry. she was upset because she wanted a relationship with me, but I said it was not possible.

That was a good choice.Shows you are willing to do the right thing,and shows true repentance.

I remember driving home in absolute depression and sadness for what I had done. how could I have been so stupid and easily tempted. when I got home, my wife was nicer to me as we had a couple of days doing our own thing which added even more to my guilt. I decided to end all contact with this other girl
I thought you had already done that?

and tell my wife.

Honesty is the only way.
for a week, I tried a number of times to tell her, but I just knew the devastation it would cause. I lost about 10 kilos (22 pounds) in a week. I didn’t hardly sleep or eat properly as I was feeling so bad and knew I had to tell her.
She got onto my work laptop and found the exchange emails between me and this other girl before I could tell her which made things worse.
I spilled the lot to her when she asked if it was true. told her the whole story. this cut her right to the bone emotionally

Yup it definately would.



which also hurt me because I knew the devastation it would have caused her. She immediately said the marriage was over, and she packed most of the things in the house up and moved out to her parents within 3 days. during that time I nearly cried the 3 days straight, and pleaded with her to stay. I explained so many times that I understood the pain it would have caused, and how sorry I was. I explained that I was fixed for life, and I would never fall into the same trap again, but it was to no use.
[/quote]

This is all very sad.You both sound like you have been through alot.You got married young and there seems to have been insecurtites from the start.However Jesus can heal and put the marriage back together again.
Nothing is impossible to Jesus.So it sounds like you were married for four years?I will read the next post later?

 

[annrobert]

She moved out in June 2008, She took the kids away, and lived with her parents for about 2 months, then she moved into a rental property. I really struggled to cope for the first 3 or 4 months. I gave her flowers, gave her numerous cards and told her I loved her and wouldn’t ever make such a mistake like that again.

So after 3 years of marriage she moved out due to sexual misconduct , and constant tension over the relationship with her family.

I wont go into detail, but some sexual things happened

I poured the love

She was probably having a hard receiving it because of feeling betrayed and because of the tension in the marriage, such as battles over how much time was being spent with her mom and family.



out despite I was still hurting from all the things she said said and done to me.

Sounds like both of you were hurt from each other.She was hurting too.It is important to acknowledge that when trying to reconcile.

one day it all got too much for me, and I said to my wife that she needed to loose the close connection with her mother, and regain it with me. I was absolutely fed up with being second best. I will admit by this time my patience with her was wearing thinner and thinner, and when she got cranky with me, I would be the same way straight back

.



most of the nice things I said fell on deaf ears, and my kids where missing me, so we went to mediation and I had nearly half custody because of the active father I was in their lives. (I would even take the kids to playgroup on my days off so she could have time to herself prior to any of this)

You were being a good dad and that is wonderful.

She came back in december 2008.

It needs to be recognized the efforts that she put in as well.You were not the only one putting in effort.She needs her efforts to be acknolowedged.



I was absolutely pleased, and continued pouring the love out and tried to build her self esteem. I worked very very hard to bring our relationship back

I think she was trying too.

to a good marriage, but it seemed all my efforts where not working. there where good times, and bad times.

She must have been trying for there to have been good times.It sounds like you are only thinking of everything you do,when you do something good ,it is pointed out strongly,when she does good it is barely recognized.That is what it seems like.This would hurt anyone.



eventually we began marriage counselling again approx March 2009.
So she must have really been putting in an effort.As well as trying to heal from the infidelity.I realize you stpped it and were truly sorry,and that is really good.It still takes time and work for the injured partner to heal though.They need this time.


We went to quite a number of sessions, and I did everything the counsellor said to do, sometimes I even did more. she struggled to fulfil her goals for the week, and I could really feel that I was the one working so hard.

Marriage is not about comparing who does most.You really do not know her heart and how much she was hurting or trying.Only God knows.I think she needed her efforts to make the marraige work and to heal to be valued.

next session I said to the counsellor that I felt like I was on a one way road, and that she needed to put some more effort in. The counsellor could see my point, and gave my wife some extra things during the next week, but unfortunately, she didn’t fulfil her side of the road.


I think there was also times you did not fulfill all vows and promises either.She is not the only one at fault.Feeling that she was always failing must have hurt deeply.A score card being kept and her always coming up short.

early May 2009 in one of our counselling sessions, she said the marriage was over, and she couldn’t do it anymore, that it was too hard.

Maybe she felt she could never live up to standard and would always feel the pain of failing.

I was again devastated because I was longing for the love and affection I have been needing for the past 3 years.

It sounds like their were times of being loved and cared for ,this as well as other times you mentioned.This needs to be considered and valued and not disregarded,for the marriage to heal.Her good points need to be noticed.You said during this time you put in great effort when really to me it sounds like both of you were.

having that adult contact that everyone needs. which included deep an meaningful conversations, hugs, kisses, sex and love.

I would spend time with her

This means she was also spending time with you.Why is this not noticed?



I said I didn’t want her to leave, and that it can work.

Maybe she was wondering why you want her to stay so bad when she can never measure up?


we got home, and I asked her to reconsider again. I said we not only have each other to think about, but our 2 kids.
the next day she went and told her mother, who was supportive of her doing what she is.

I said please reconsider, and stay as long as you like.
later that week, I found an email between her mother and their family friends about our marriage. they had all been talking about us and supporting my wife to do everything she wanted.

The family may need to feel that you are receptive to ackowledging her good points and her need to keep them in her life,her need to feel free,and also to admit that you have played a role also in the furting marriage and that it is not all her fault.That you also made mistakes and that her feelings and needs are important also.


I emailed them all back the next day, as I knew where some of the poison in our marriage was coming from for the last couple of years, but didn’t know that everyone was involved.

Generally when a spouse feels cared for and valued others cannot break a marriage up.Generally.Your wife to me sounds like a fairly normal person ,not perfect ,but certainly not wicked.I think if she is feeling condemantion it has to stop for the marriage to heal.



I quoted gods word and really stuck it to them all, expressing that what they where doing was wrong in gods eyes, mine and the children’s sake.
What god hath joined together let not man out asunder Matthew 19:6

A marriage can be damaged in many ways,but God can heal and restore ,he loves to do it.
Humilty and meekness can go a long ways in helping.

Early June 2009, she rang me one day whilst I was at work, and said as of today we have moved out. I said what do you mean by we? What about the children, we haven’t discussed what we will do. long story short, I came home to a nearly empty house. there wasn’t even enough stuff for me to live there. so I had to seek accommodation elsewhere till I bought enough stuff again.

She could have left more stuff, however she did leave the house for you.

no surprises to figure out who did it all. I asked one of the neighbours, who confirmed it was her father, brother and family friends who came in about 20 mins after I left for work and cleaned me out.

Why was this done?