So much to think about... I think in some ways I'm having an early mid-life crisis.
You know what bugs me? The fact that I'm getting older and I can see time slipping by. Its a strange feeling being able to think back into history because I was
there. This is something that I never experienced until I was 30 or something, because before that things were just the way that they always had been.
The other thing that bugs me badly is that I'm physically past my prime, or at least potential prime. that sucks that now I can expect that maladies of age will increasingly encroach upon my health. And yet I wasted my youth on work and study. I suppose that in my mid to late 20's God rescued me, but I spent years treading water, realigning my life and learning a bit of holiness... how terrible that I place so little value on that... secularism does have its evil little hooks in me, doesn't it. Now that baby has come, spare time is history for the next 20 years or so, it seems, as wife is very unadverturous.
15 Naked a man comes from his mother's womb,
and as he comes, so he departs.
He takes nothing from his labor
that he can carry in his hand.
16 This too is a grievous evil:
As a man comes, so he departs,
and what does he gain,
since he toils for the wind?
17 All his days he eats in darkness,
with great frustration, affliction and anger.
18 Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given himfor this is his lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his workthis is a gift of God. 20 He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.
The third thing is that as a young man in my early to mid 20's I had a string of sexual relationships. I used to go to nightclubs and pick up women. I craved the thrill, the chase and the climax. It was like a drug and more than anything else, made me feel like a tiny god of conquest. The bible says that sexual sin is a sin against yourself - and somehow tickling that desire to take God's mantle and wear it myself is deeply, deeply attractive.
Now that life is routine and dare I say, boring, with sex life being ho-hum, I'm ashamed to say that I remember those days and as I said, like Lot's wife, the sinful Adam in me yearns for the conquest, danger, hunt and pure adrenalin of those years again before age catches up with me.
This bothers me most of all. Why can't I age gracefully?
Prov5:18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
is not true for me at the moment.
I need to be content with my life. The Lord has blessed me with intelligence, health, looks, wealth, a child and a wife - but somehow I still kicking against the goads and want to take God's crown and wear it myself.
Thankyou for praying for me, I need some "gladness of heart". I might rave here a bit longer - I think that it helps.
