i would love to tell you everything from past to present. right now i don't even know where to start. i guess i should start when i was born.
when i was born, i knew i was different i didn't have that many people in my life. when i was born, nobody even knew that iw as born for it has been rumored that i was so quiet that nobody noticed me. i guess that foreshadowed my loneliness and solitude for the most part of my life. so when i entered pre-school i went there for two days and i learned so much. then my daycare teachers didn't like me. they told me that i was defecating, urinating, and not potty trained. they told me that i didn't wear socks and made complaints. then i got transferred to nicer daycare teachers. when i went into kindergarten, my teacher didn't like me. others laughed at my drawings. everyone was calling me shy saying that i was not talkative enough. i knew nobody cared about me. if they did, i would not be here today. then in first grade, i had a teacher who was super mean there were so many times i could tell you. i witnessed her torturing other students one girl was sobbing and she threatened to have her thrown down the stairs if she didn't stop crying. one time when i talked a lot she told me to shut up. then in second grade, i was making fun of other kids but i was being malicious. i was just teasing like everyone else. people didn't like it. instead, they took offense and treated me as if i were some evil entity who was tormenting them the whole time. they hated me, resented me, and looked at me with contempt. my teacher once sent me out into the hall because i got in trouble for doing something. whenever others did something to me, there was always a good reason for their doing. it's usually my fault. it wasn't always my fault. then in third grade, this is the worst year ever. i hated it.this mean teacher..on the first day of school, she yelled at me when i was looking absentminded, when i was staring into outer space. she yelled write your name! and then she turned to the other kids and said,"Did I scare him?" with a huge smile on her face. the other kids laughed as well. one time she called me crazy. she told others not to talk to me, especially this one kid who was talking to me that i was stupid, crazy, all kinds of bad stuff. one time she had me pulled aside for laughing too loud. we were in the theater that day and this lady was entertaining us. so what i did was laugh out loud and then she had me pulled aside and i had to sit next to her. i hated her. there's much more. then one day she patted me on the shoulder and then i took that opportunity to inform on her so that i could get out of her class. she also yelled at me every time i got an assignment wrong. i told the principal that she had hit me. really she didn't. i got transferred to another class right next door. the teacher was friends with her. whenever someone picked on me, she would not care. when i did it to others it was not okay. she had me sent down to the principal's office and had me suspended the next day. i was like this woman is definitely helping her friend out to get back at me for what i told the principal. then in fourth grade, i had this teacher who also wanted me out of her class on the first day. i just so happened to mention another teacher, fourth grade teacher's name, and she asked me if i wanted to be in her class. i said no. seriously she got mad so easily. i didn't make friends in there. often when i laughed loudly others were getting on my case. then i try to justify myself by saying that others laughed too. they didn't even talk to me. i guess they felt like picking on me. people ganged up on me and all kinds of stuff. in fifth grade i had the worst teacher ever. i didn't like him in the first place. i didn't like him at all. i heard rumors about him that he was a bad teacher. it was true. he messed around with people's hair, pushed a girl with his behind, and yelled at me constantly. i guess he found out that i was transferring out because his mother worked in the front office, the attendance office, and she probably told him that i wanted to transfer out. i got into conflicts with other kids that i didn't like because i thought to myself that i deserved better and that i didn't belong in this class. truth is, i still feel that way. i didn't belong in that class and i didn't want to be friends with them. i wanted nothing to do with them. i earned it by being mean to everyone else. then i started middle school. i didn't like it either. the school was filled with some kids who called me chino for Chinese. you make me sound like i'm a foreigner or something. i was very upset with them. by the way, all the teachers and kids that i had to deal with were mostly Asians. that's why i hate them. one kid told me i was a disgrace in eighth grade and things like that. if my own race doesn't accept me, who will? so yeah in middle school i didn't have a lot of friends. the first year i did the same like i did in fifth grade, didn't want to be at that school, treated people badly, but this time i thought well this school isn't as bad so i decided to befriend them but it was too late because i already earned myself some bad karma. others hated me. you reap what you sow. and that i did. so i began to be nice to others in middle school. some kids who weren't aware of how i had treated others were all like you're very nice, i don't see why others would prejudge you. truth is, you don't know me as well as you did. but i changed and yet those guys didn't care for the new me. they were so hard-hearted. then i moved on from there. i grew depressed and i had to see a therapist about my struggles. i first began going to church officially on sundays. i wasn't perfect. every now and then i would say some perverse things, that of a sexual nature. i wasn't fully converted. i was still living my old life after the sinner's prayer was said. then shortly after i began to go through internet images, nude images.. in eighth grade i began to know some of the kids at church. some of the kids were mean and pretty judgmental. some told me they didn't want me there, and others never reached out to me. truth is i went there just to get out of my depression. i never dreamed of becoming a follower of Christ. at times i am still confused. if i am a Christian, then why is it taking so long for me to get over this hate and resentment and all this mental garbage. so yeah i moved to another city my freshman year of high school and i didn't go back to church until the next year. they were nicer in the beginning but then later my life got lonelier. i didn't want to reach out to others. i always wondered why the other Christians had a better time than i did. truth is, everyone reached out and their personalities were different. i have come off as vindictive and angry with others and that's not what others would want to see from a Christian. i said to myself nobody accepts me for being a Christian. when people see me with a cross, they act like they don't believe me. they don't. so then i stopped wearing one, threw my bible away, threw my multiple crosses away, and then just gave up. cried all the itme and complained to God about how lonely i was and if i ever will have friends. am i destined to be a loner? then again when you get older you'll get married and have your own family. and since my orientation is gay i can't get married. i feel so rejected by God.
when i was born, i knew i was different i didn't have that many people in my life. when i was born, nobody even knew that iw as born for it has been rumored that i was so quiet that nobody noticed me. i guess that foreshadowed my loneliness and solitude for the most part of my life. so when i entered pre-school i went there for two days and i learned so much. then my daycare teachers didn't like me. they told me that i was defecating, urinating, and not potty trained. they told me that i didn't wear socks and made complaints. then i got transferred to nicer daycare teachers. when i went into kindergarten, my teacher didn't like me. others laughed at my drawings. everyone was calling me shy saying that i was not talkative enough. i knew nobody cared about me. if they did, i would not be here today. then in first grade, i had a teacher who was super mean there were so many times i could tell you. i witnessed her torturing other students one girl was sobbing and she threatened to have her thrown down the stairs if she didn't stop crying. one time when i talked a lot she told me to shut up. then in second grade, i was making fun of other kids but i was being malicious. i was just teasing like everyone else. people didn't like it. instead, they took offense and treated me as if i were some evil entity who was tormenting them the whole time. they hated me, resented me, and looked at me with contempt. my teacher once sent me out into the hall because i got in trouble for doing something. whenever others did something to me, there was always a good reason for their doing. it's usually my fault. it wasn't always my fault. then in third grade, this is the worst year ever. i hated it.this mean teacher..on the first day of school, she yelled at me when i was looking absentminded, when i was staring into outer space. she yelled write your name! and then she turned to the other kids and said,"Did I scare him?" with a huge smile on her face. the other kids laughed as well. one time she called me crazy. she told others not to talk to me, especially this one kid who was talking to me that i was stupid, crazy, all kinds of bad stuff. one time she had me pulled aside for laughing too loud. we were in the theater that day and this lady was entertaining us. so what i did was laugh out loud and then she had me pulled aside and i had to sit next to her. i hated her. there's much more. then one day she patted me on the shoulder and then i took that opportunity to inform on her so that i could get out of her class. she also yelled at me every time i got an assignment wrong. i told the principal that she had hit me. really she didn't. i got transferred to another class right next door. the teacher was friends with her. whenever someone picked on me, she would not care. when i did it to others it was not okay. she had me sent down to the principal's office and had me suspended the next day. i was like this woman is definitely helping her friend out to get back at me for what i told the principal. then in fourth grade, i had this teacher who also wanted me out of her class on the first day. i just so happened to mention another teacher, fourth grade teacher's name, and she asked me if i wanted to be in her class. i said no. seriously she got mad so easily. i didn't make friends in there. often when i laughed loudly others were getting on my case. then i try to justify myself by saying that others laughed too. they didn't even talk to me. i guess they felt like picking on me. people ganged up on me and all kinds of stuff. in fifth grade i had the worst teacher ever. i didn't like him in the first place. i didn't like him at all. i heard rumors about him that he was a bad teacher. it was true. he messed around with people's hair, pushed a girl with his behind, and yelled at me constantly. i guess he found out that i was transferring out because his mother worked in the front office, the attendance office, and she probably told him that i wanted to transfer out. i got into conflicts with other kids that i didn't like because i thought to myself that i deserved better and that i didn't belong in this class. truth is, i still feel that way. i didn't belong in that class and i didn't want to be friends with them. i wanted nothing to do with them. i earned it by being mean to everyone else. then i started middle school. i didn't like it either. the school was filled with some kids who called me chino for Chinese. you make me sound like i'm a foreigner or something. i was very upset with them. by the way, all the teachers and kids that i had to deal with were mostly Asians. that's why i hate them. one kid told me i was a disgrace in eighth grade and things like that. if my own race doesn't accept me, who will? so yeah in middle school i didn't have a lot of friends. the first year i did the same like i did in fifth grade, didn't want to be at that school, treated people badly, but this time i thought well this school isn't as bad so i decided to befriend them but it was too late because i already earned myself some bad karma. others hated me. you reap what you sow. and that i did. so i began to be nice to others in middle school. some kids who weren't aware of how i had treated others were all like you're very nice, i don't see why others would prejudge you. truth is, you don't know me as well as you did. but i changed and yet those guys didn't care for the new me. they were so hard-hearted. then i moved on from there. i grew depressed and i had to see a therapist about my struggles. i first began going to church officially on sundays. i wasn't perfect. every now and then i would say some perverse things, that of a sexual nature. i wasn't fully converted. i was still living my old life after the sinner's prayer was said. then shortly after i began to go through internet images, nude images.. in eighth grade i began to know some of the kids at church. some of the kids were mean and pretty judgmental. some told me they didn't want me there, and others never reached out to me. truth is i went there just to get out of my depression. i never dreamed of becoming a follower of Christ. at times i am still confused. if i am a Christian, then why is it taking so long for me to get over this hate and resentment and all this mental garbage. so yeah i moved to another city my freshman year of high school and i didn't go back to church until the next year. they were nicer in the beginning but then later my life got lonelier. i didn't want to reach out to others. i always wondered why the other Christians had a better time than i did. truth is, everyone reached out and their personalities were different. i have come off as vindictive and angry with others and that's not what others would want to see from a Christian. i said to myself nobody accepts me for being a Christian. when people see me with a cross, they act like they don't believe me. they don't. so then i stopped wearing one, threw my bible away, threw my multiple crosses away, and then just gave up. cried all the itme and complained to God about how lonely i was and if i ever will have friends. am i destined to be a loner? then again when you get older you'll get married and have your own family. and since my orientation is gay i can't get married. i feel so rejected by God.