Letter of Forgiveness

[olds8598]

I am planning on writing a letter forgiving my wife, her brother and his wife for their parts in the end of our marriage. I will not be mailing it to my wife (she can spread the word to her relatives I forgave them) until well after my attorney says the actual divorce judgment has been received and has been forward to my spouse and I. Yesterday, though, I felt the Lord put it on my heart to start writing it. Between then and now I came up with below. Note: "My heart is clear" is a something my wife used to say. X = her brother, and Y = his wife.



Dear ,

I want you to know I have totally forgiven you, X, and Y for all of your words, actions, and inactions which resulted in the end of our marriage. By God’s grace, I no longer have any contempt or ill will toward any of you. Also, I no longer want or need answers to what was done/not done or why. As you used to say, “My heart is clear.” So is my mind on this decision to forgive.


Sincerely,



I know the ultimate editing, writing, and responsibility are mine. I am just looking for opinions and any editorial or spiritual adjustments.

Thanks!

 

[ValleyGal]

What if your ex, X and Y do not think they did anything that needs forgiving and are blaming it all on you? If you forgive them for something that they do not think they did wrong, that might give them cause to have ill feelings. Writing a letter is great, but if you are going to send it in the hope it will be well-received, you might want to consider being very specific about the things you forgive. For example, "I forgive X for breaching my confidence to Y. I also forgive Y for gossiping about it to you (ex). These actions contributed to the failure of our marriage, and although that saddens me, my heart is now at peace."

Another thing you might want to consider in the letter is to ask them to forgive you for your role in whatever happened. This way they do not think you are blaming them for all the ills that led to divorce. Again, be very specific, for example "In the same way that I forgive you, I hope you will forgive me for my contribution to the divorce. I did _____ and it was wrong of me. I regret my actions and hope you forgive me."

Writing letters can be a good idea, but please keep in mind how they might be received. Keep writing. Save all of them. Then give it a couple of months after the divorce goes through. Then read all of them and summarize all you want to say - if by then you still feel compelled to say anything to her, you can write a concise one then...just be careful how it might be received. A lot can change between now and then.

Blessings as you continue to heal.

 

[iambren]

Write it,don't send it. That's a good forgiveness exercise for YOU!

 

[olds8598]

ValleyGal,

Thank you, once again, for the wise words.

I wasn't sure if I should include the specific offenses. This is my first major situation at forgiving (other than the 'usual' "I'm sorry I did that." "That's ok. No offense taken.") I figured she would know what the offenses are and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring them up in the letter. Trust me, I CAN bring up the offenses.

She never told me what I did wrong. I never cheated, hit her, or anything like that. I treated her like gold. I asked her in a letter last year to let me know what I did wrong as part of the breakup. She never did. (I know, especially guys, often feel that a breakup isn't their fault.) I do not know what my offense to her was.

You're right about many things happening in the ensuing months. I actually am concerned that once she receives the official divorce judgment, she will want to reconcile. I lost all love and respect for this woman. I have no desire to regain them.

Thank you for the continued blessings.


iambren,

Your comment reflects a thought of mine: just writing it as part of my healing, and not sending it. God knows I have forgiven her. That's all that matters.

 

[ValleyGal]

Olds, I know that on the surface it's easy to know you didn't do anything wrong - especially not the "big" (most recognizable) things. I always thought I treated my ex like gold...a few years after the divorce he told me I was the perfect wife, the perfect mother to my son, but then it came out...there was one thing I did regularly that ate away at our marriage. I had legitimate reasons for doing what I did, but it was still unhealthy and damaging to the marriage. It was something I never would have even thought about on my own, so I was glad he told me. I corrected the behaviour in subsequent relationships.

IME, it normally takes two (the interplay) to lead to divorce. I don't recall your specific situation, but even if she says you were perfect, there may have been something....so if you never figure it out, when you write the letter, you may want to include a blanket statement....maybe "When we talked, you said that nothing I did led to the divorce. I just want to say that if there was any way I ever hurt you, big or small, I am sorry and hope you will forgive me."

This way it will come across that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and are not blaming the whole divorce on her and her family. It is possible to treat someone like gold and still do something - no matter how unintentional or innocently - that is damaging to the marriage.

Hang in there!

 

[olds8598]

ValleyGal,

Your post reminded me of that old saying "It takes two to tango." Also, you reminded me that a belief--perceived or factual, right or wrong—is very often defended mightily. I want the letter and the actual parting to be a peaceful as possible.


Your personal sharing resonated with me.


I LOVED that blanket statement.

Thank you!!!

 

[dayhiker]

I used to think that everyone would receive forgiveness with grace. I've seen enough to know that isn't always true. So I tend to think iambren has the right way for you to deal with getting a pure heart on this aspect of your relationship with your EX..

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thirded. I see nothing but unnecessary conflict from those words. If she doesn't think it's her fault, you will just look holier than thou.

What is your purpose in writing the letter? Closure? Healing yourself? Then write it, flesh it out with details, then read it to your counselor or therapist if you have one, then take it home and burn in the fireplace or chimnea with a glass of scotch in your hand.

 

[olds8598]

Thanks for the replies.

 

[olds8598]

I have decided not to write the letter.

I considered the superb advice given here on this thread, intook others' opinion, and prayed on it. The purpose of the letter was to let my ex wife know I forgive her for leaving me on the cusp of impending eviction along with her lies and other actions/inactions, and that I forgive her brother and his wife for their sudden, mysterious betrayal. I asked myself if there was any closure in doing this for me; the answer was 'no.' I felt closure when I personally and 100% agreed to forgive her with God knowing this. I also felt closure when I held the divorce judgement in my hands. Additionally, thanks to you here on the forum, I realized that the letter could very well have not gotten the reception it was intended for. My ex's response could have been, "YOU'RE forgiving ME?!" to the appearance of holier-than-thou. This could have led to me hearing/reading this response and having to deal with it. No. I am at peace. I am happy, healed, and moving on with my life. If she is not any of these, that's her tough luck. She started this. Now my heart and mind are clear. I believe God is happy with my actions.


Thank you.