Let's talk about fat.

[seeingeyes]

First of all, if the only thing you care about is your spouse's body fat percentage, you're doing it wrong. Let's just get that out of the way.

But the other extreme, that body fat has (or should have) no effect on a marriage is also incorrect. (If my husband were 700 lbs and confined to bed, you can bet that I won't bring bringing him buckets of fried chicken every five minutes, and he sure ain't getting laid.)

There are all kinds of things in this life that can drastically and suddenly affect one's appearance: Car accidents, amputations, getting an anvil dropped on one's face. But fat is one that is actually controllable.

So what responsibility do we each have to stay (or return to) approximately the same shape that we were when our spouse was initially attracted to us?

 

[Odetta]

Actually, there are a number of medications that are necessary for certain conditions that cause weight gain as a side effect. Technically taking those medication is something you can control. Surely you aren't saying that a person should not take those medications in order to maintain a body that is pleasing to one's spouse.

Also some medical conditions themselves result in weight gain, such as thyroid issues. These can be addressed through medication, and as we've discussed above, taking medication is something one can control. However, that doesn't mean the medication will work, which one cannot control.

When you speak in generalizations, expect to get numerous responses on exceptions.

 

[Odetta]

duplicate

 

[Inkachu]

I think it's ridiculous and unfair to expect your spouse to remain exactly (or as close as possible) as they were when you met/married them, especially over the course of decades of years and a myriad of life changes (pregnancy, illness, aging, etc). I think you have a reasonable expectation that your spouse attempts to be healthy, which could cover a huuuuuge spectrum of weights and sizes. There is no little slot of "acceptable weight/pants size" that my husband must fit into in order for me to accept him or desire him or be happy with him. He's a big guy, he's lost 50+ lbs since I met him, and he's still beefy, and I've adored and desired him every single day without fail. His weight has little to nothing to do with my desire for him. My only concerns are for his health, which he agrees with and he's worked hard towards making positive changes. I've lost a little bit of weight since we met, and likewise, his desire for me and his perception of me being beautiful has never wavered no matter what I weighed.

Stop focusing on making your spouse into a supermodel and focus on them being healthy AND happy. Your spouse might be a triathlon-running toothpick, but if they're miserable and cantankerous, who cares how skinny and athletic they are?? By the same token, some people can be a small size and still be extraordinarily unhealthy on the inside (high cholesterol, diabetes, smoking, drinking, genetically predisposed to cancer). Others can be on the "overweight" spectrum and be very active, have low blood pressure, and otherwise be perfectly healthy.

The goal should be health (of the body AND mind) not thinness.

 

[RobertMerton]

i think its a matter of 'healthy' versus any notion of body figure... fat, skinny, etc.

 

[tall73]

getting an anvil dropped on one's face.

That hurts like the dickens.

 

[seeingeyes]

As a corollary, it seems to be expected that someone will gain a significant amount of weight after babies or after x number of years. But why?

There really is no physical reason that a 5'6" 150lb woman must become a 5'6" 190lb woman after her children are born or after she hits a certain age. Just like there's no physical reason that a man who gets a desk job has to gain 50 lbs.

There are certainly medical conditions that contribute directly to weight gain, and those should be treated as such. But that is rather rare even though every other person carrying an extra hundred pounds blames their thyroid or metabolism even though they haven't been diagnosed as such.

Have we become so accustomed to fat gain that we think it is perfectly normal for an adult to keep growing and growing and growing?

 

[PersephonesTear]

So what responsibility do we each have to stay (or return to) approximately the same shape that we were when our spouse was initially attracted to us?

None.

You can't expect your spouse to remain unwrinkled and unblemished through the ravages of time, and asking them to keep their shape exactly the same as at the time of marriage is just as ludicrous as expecting their complexion to go unchanged.

There is a difference between being a healthy weight and being obese, yes.

But the fact of the matter is that a human body changes throughout a person's life. A woman or man at age 20 cannot reasonably be expected to have the same shape and size when they reach 50. That is a natural part of the aging process, and for women childbirth will also change her body.

If your spouse has become unhealthy, then you have a legitimate concern to address. If their weight is within a healthy range, then I don't see why there should be any problems with physical attractiveness. You understand when you commit to marry someone that looks don't last. Anyone who is halfway reasonable understands that.

 

[seeingeyes]

None.

You can't expect your spouse to remain unwrinkled and unblemished through the ravages of time, and asking them to keep their shape exactly the same as at the time of marriage is just as ludicrous as expecting their complexion to go unchanged.

There is a difference between being a healthy weight and being obese, yes.

But the fact of the matter is that a human body changes throughout a person's life. A woman or man at age 20 cannot reasonably be expected to have the same shape and size when they reach 50. That is a natural part of the aging process, and for women childbirth will also change her body.

If your spouse has become unhealthy, then you have a legitimate concern to address. If their weight is within a healthy range, then I don't see why there should be any problems with physical attractiveness. You understand when you commit to marry someone that looks don't last. Anyone who is halfway reasonable understands that.

We aren't talking about wrinkles or gravity or age spots here. We are talking specifically about body fat. Why shouldn't a woman or a man have roughly the same amount of body fat at 50 as they had at 20?

 

[Inkachu]

There certainly ARE physical factors that naturally lead to weight gain in older people. Metabolisms begin to slow as early as your mid 20's. Most middle-aged married people with children aren't as physically active as teens and college-aged young adults. They're working jobs, taking care of the home, raising the kids. Sure, that can be considered "active" by some definitions, but not in the same way as an 18 year old who's at the gym daily or plays sports or jogs every day. Muscle tone decreases with age as well, which leads to "flab" (which isn't really fat at all, just looser muscle), and since muscle burns fat, that's one more strike against a person in the battle to stay as slim as when they were younger.

Yes, a person of any age can be fit and in shape, but to say that a 70 year old has the same metabolism and muscle conditioning as a 17 year old is just preposterous. A fit body CAN be achieved at any age (assuming the person has no health conditions or disabilities that prevent it, which many of us WILL have as we get older), but it does take MORE WORK as you age. And some people value just being happy and healthy overall, more than fitting into a certain pair of jeans. Life takes on different values as you age. Your appearance and sex appeal might be the be-all and end-all of existence when you're 18, but when you're 68, chances are, it's taken a back seat to family, hobbies, retirement, and other things.

 

[iluvatar5150]

The biggest factor in body fat is a person's diet, which is nearly 100% controllable. It's very easy to over-eat in our society and because it's so easy, it can take discipline and attention in order to maintain a healthy diet and not slowly creep upwards. That doesn't mean it's not doable.

 

[Inkachu]

Of course it's doable. But for someone to weigh at 60 years old, the exact number they weighed at 20 years old, will require some major life changes in diet and exercise. My point being that the body is naturally predisposed to weight gain with aging. You can't live the same lifestyle for 50 years and never gain a pound.

 

[PersephonesTear]

We aren't talking about wrinkles or gravity or age spots here. We are talking specifically about body fat. Why shouldn't a woman or a man have roughly the same amount of body fat at 50 as they had at 20?

Because as you age, your metabolism changes. The way that your body processes food changes. The places that your body stores fat changes. Your hormones, which play a part in how much you weigh, change.

Pregnancy also changes things about a woman's body on a deep level, including hormones. Among other things, pregnancy can permanently alter your shape by pushing your hips out. You can't slim down an altered pelvis bone.

Men produce less testosterone as they age, which makes weight management increasingly difficult.

I'm not talking about a 700 lbs. man here. I'm talking about people who are still a healthy weight, or perhaps a little into the overweight range. But they are not going to look the same as they did at age 20, and sometimes weight is a part of that package. The emphasis should be on health, not attractiveness.

 

[Inkachu]

I have a feeling that certain minds are just made up on this subject, and aren't going to change. I wish you all luck with this thread

 

[akmom]

I do see where you're going with this, SeeingEyes. Our society has become prone to obesity, and I agree that it would be hard to watch your spouse become morbidly obese. I can even agree that a spouse has a right to be upset and expect that person to take meaningful actions to reverse the condition.

However, it's a very complex situation. First there is diet, which I believe my fitness trainer said was 80% of the equation. That in itself is a combination of what you eat, when and how often you eat it, and how much you eat. Then exercise is the other 20% of the equation, and it is very much influenced by your occupation, commute times, and lifestyle. So if you are going to ask your spouse to lose weight, you are not simply asking them to quit getting bigger. You're asking them to change their entire routine, which is going to take some collaboration from the whole family.

As long as you, as a spouse, are willing to be an integral part of the process, I think it's reasonable to expect your spouse to reverse their obesity. This means stocking the kitchen with foods that he/she can actually eat, planning the weekly menu in advance, supplying healthy snacks that the person can pack and eat when they're not home (including a cooler with a decent lunch, if they typically eat out). Maybe it even involves pre-selecting acceptable meals at restaurants, so your spouse knows ahead of time what they can eat, instead of having to skip meals or frantically figure out what to do when they have to eat out with colleagues. And of course, if you're the spouse who cooks, you're the biggest influence on what they eat. (And if neither of you regularly cooks, then it's time to take on that role before asking your spouse to miraculously lose weight.)

Exercise can be even trickier to fit into a busy schedule, so a spouse should be supportive in helping the obese one choose an exercise plan that they can grow to enjoy, and then also make sure they have the time to do it. If possible, they should do it together.

And if there is an underlying medical condition that makes exercise painful or limited, then sometimes there is not much you can do - within reason, anyway - to make progress on weight loss. Health is important, but it is not a condition we can always have.

 

[WolfGate]

It is reasonable for us all to try and stay healthy as we reasonably can as we age. We are all individuals so physically that will be different. Weight is a component of overall health.

So assuming I took that philosophy with myself (which I do) then I would also want my spouse to do the same.

As we age, IMHO, physical attraction to our spouse isn't tied to how they looked when we met, but rather how attractive they are trying to be with what life has given them now. I want to be as attractive as possible to my wife and I like the same from her.

Someone who has put on weight but doesn't overeat, tries to be active, pays attention to clothing and hairstyles, stays clean - in other words focuses on the things they can control - will likely still stay attractive to their spouse (again IMHO). The same result due to overeating, not exercising, with sloppy dressing and grooming habits would, again IMHO, be likely to be viewed as unattractive.

 

[seeingeyes]

I do see where you're going with this, SeeingEyes. Our society has become prone to obesity, and I agree that it would be hard to watch your spouse become morbidly obese. I can even agree that a spouse has a right to be upset and expect that person to take meaningful actions to reverse the condition.

However, it's a very complex situation. First there is diet, which I believe my fitness trainer said was 80% of the equation. That in itself is a combination of what you eat, when and how often you eat it, and how much you eat. Then exercise is the other 20% of the equation, and it is very much influenced by your occupation, commute times, and lifestyle. So if you are going to ask your spouse to lose weight, you are not simply asking them to quit getting bigger. You're asking them to change their entire routine, which is going to take some collaboration from the whole family.

As long as you, as a spouse, are willing to be an integral part of the process, I think it's reasonable to expect your spouse to reverse their obesity. This means stocking the kitchen with foods that he/she can actually eat, planning the weekly menu in advance, supplying healthy snacks that the person can pack and eat when they're not home (including a cooler with a decent lunch, if they typically eat out). Maybe it even involves pre-selecting acceptable meals at restaurants, so your spouse knows ahead of time what they can eat, instead of having to skip meals or frantically figure out what to do when they have to eat out with colleagues. And of course, if you're the spouse who cooks, you're the biggest influence on what they eat. (And if neither of you regularly cooks, then it's time to take on that role before asking your spouse to miraculously lose weight.)

Exercise can be even trickier to fit into a busy schedule, so a spouse should be supportive in helping the obese one choose an exercise plan that they can grow to enjoy, and then also make sure they have the time to do it. If possible, they should do it together.

And if there is an underlying medical condition that makes exercise painful or limited, then sometimes there is not much you can do - within reason, anyway - to make progress on weight loss. Health is important, but it is not a condition we can always have.

Well, I agree with what you are saying, but I was asking from the other perspective. Not "what should my spouse do?", but "what should I be doing?"

 

[seeingeyes]

Because as you age, your metabolism changes. The way that your body processes food changes. The places that your body stores fat changes. Your hormones, which play a part in how much you weigh, change.

Pregnancy also changes things about a woman's body on a deep level, including hormones. Among other things, pregnancy can permanently alter your shape by pushing your hips out. You can't slim down an altered pelvis bone.

Men produce less testosterone as they age, which makes weight management increasingly difficult.

I'm not talking about a 700 lbs. man here. I'm talking about people who are still a healthy weight, or perhaps a little into the overweight range. But they are not going to look the same as they did at age 20, and sometimes weight is a part of that package. The emphasis should be on health, not attractiveness.

None of the things you have listed make fat gain inevitable, though. (Other than pregnancy, of course, but after childbirth and nursing are over, the body no longer has a need to carry around extra stores.)

 

[seeingeyes]

I have a feeling that certain minds are just made up on this subject, and aren't going to change. I wish you all luck with this thread

That's the point of the thread though, is to examine our own assumptions. In our culture, carrying a lot of extra fat causes problems socially. People are very cruel to those who are carrying a lot of fat, there's no denying it. And that is horrible.

But some of the (much needed) push back to that reality has gone too far. The idea that a lot of fat gain is to be expected, or that fat gain is out of one's control, they just can't help it, or that carrying around 70 pounds of "baby weight" 10 years after you weaned your youngest is perfectly normal, is creating unnecessary victims, I believe.

Fat gain and fat loss is within our control. It's a function of how much food we put in our mouths. (Ask any good chef.)

So if I put on 50lbs in the next two years for no other reason than that eating a cheesecake a day makes me happy, I would consider that a marital issue equivalent to getting a tattoo sleeve without bothering to include my husband in the decision.

 

[seeingeyes]

Of course it's doable. But for someone to weigh at 60 years old, the exact number they weighed at 20 years old, will require some major life changes in diet and exercise. My point being that the body is naturally predisposed to weight gain with aging. You can't live the same lifestyle for 50 years and never gain a pound.

The bold is exactly it. Changes in our body require changes in our lifestyle.