Let me just throw this out there..

[eatenbylocusts]

A 46 yr old man who has been a Christian for 15 years got a DUI 2 years ago and still drinks 1-3 times a week. He has a past with drugs and alcohol (I don't know the details except it was more than 15 years ago). He is active in his church, sings on the praise team and helps run the Jr. high group at his church. I met several of his church friends who seem to know and like him very much.
He shared all of this up front on our 2nd date and my first thought is to just run, but his church involvement makes me wonder if I should delve deeper. We haven't been able to get together again yet, and I was planning on telling him about my concerns in person.
Thoughts?

 

[HisEagle]

Well, I certainly think it's okay to be friends with him. But I think before you let yourself get too deeply involved with him on any sort of dating or romantic basis, you need to simply talk to him to find out exactly why he drinks as often as he does. I presume you mean he gets drunk 1-3 times a week? Or does he simply have a beer on those occasions.

At any rate, we all make mistakes. Even as Christians, we can slip and make HUGE ones. So don't write him off simply because of what happened 2 years ago - although I WILL say if he is getting drunk those 1-3 times a week, and/or he still drives after drinking, then you would be wise to keep your distance from a romantic/dating point of view, but encourage him to get some help to stop the drinking, while still remaining his friend.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Well, I certainly think it's okay to be friends with him. But I think before you let yourself get too deeply involved with him on any sort of dating or romantic basis, you need to simply talk to him to find out exactly why he drinks as often as he does. I presume you mean he gets drunk 1-3 times a week? Or does he simply have a beer on those occasions.

At any rate, we all make mistakes. Even as Christians, we can slip and make HUGE ones. So don't write him off simply because of what happened 2 years ago - although I WILL say if he is getting drunk those 1-3 times a week, and/or he still drives after drinking, then you would be wise to keep your distance from a romantic/dating point of view, but encourage him to get some help to stop the drinking, while still remaining his friend.

No, as far as I know he isn't getting drunk anymore. He has a drink or two a few times a week.

 

[MMXII]

Be very cautious. I agree with Eagle about being friends with him. What are your thoughts on drinking a couple days a week? If that doesn't bother you then no problem. If it does, then I wouldn't get into a deeper relationship with him unless/until he stops drinking.

 

[PassionateWorshipper]

I would do some research on addictions. Remember there are such things as "dry alcoholics". What this means is that your friend probably has the relational patterns of an alcoholic even though he loves the Lord and is active in church. Call AA and tell them your friend's profile. They will pull no punches with you - but you need to be prepared to receive it. It is not unusual for people to swap addictive behaviors when they become Christians for more "acceptible" ones. Like perfectionism, workaholism, food, etc.

Your friend is being honest with you and that is admirable. I agree with HisEagle and MMXII, be his friend (if you can). If you do your homework and I'm sure you will find that his behaviors and some thought patterns will match those that have addictive behaviors. As a friend I would lovingly point them out and encourage him to get help.

My concern for your friend is that having a history of alcoholism (most likely) and a recent (yes 2 years is recent) DUI he is still struggeling - and getting drunk. Of course he would tell you that he doesn't get drunk, most people that are addictive don't fully realize the trap they're in.

If you easily "fall in love" you need to protect your heart, otherwise you will be in for a relational "ride." Be his friend, but look somewhere else for your romantic interests.

People self-medicate to numb their internal pain. I am sad to hear that your friend is hurting this much. There is freedom for him in Christ, if that's what he desires. He seems to be doing the best he can to please God. However, our woundedness keeps us bound to our old ways of coping.

I hope this gives you some direction. -PW

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I would do some research on addictions. Remember there are such things as "dry alcoholics". What this means is that your friend probably has the relational patterns of an alcoholic even though he loves the Lord and is active in church. Call AA and tell them your friend's profile. They will pull no punches with you - but you need to be prepared to receive it. It is not unusual for people to swap addictive behaviors when they become Christians for more "acceptible" ones. Like perfectionism, workaholism, food, etc.

Your friend is being honest with you and that is admirable. I agree with HisEagle and MMXII, be his friend (if you can). If you do your homework and I'm sure you will find that his behaviors and some thought patterns will match those that have addictive behaviors. As a friend I would lovingly point them out and encourage him to get help.

My concern for your friend is that having a history of alcoholism (most likely) and a recent (yes 2 years is recent) DUI he is still struggeling - and getting drunk. Of course he would tell you that he doesn't get drunk, most people that are addictive don't fully realize the trap they're in.

If you easily "fall in love" you need to protect your heart, otherwise you will be in for a relational "ride." Be his friend, but look somewhere else for your romantic interests.

People self-medicate to numb their internal pain. I am sad to hear that your friend is hurting this much. There is freedom for him in Christ, if that's what he desires. He seems to be doing the best he can to please God. However, our woundedness keeps us bound to our old ways of coping.

I hope this gives you some direction. -PW

Wow, you nailed it. His childhood was horrible. His siblings have drug, alcohol, and mental issues.

 

[MN John]

I was going to address your OP, Pam. But PW sure had a lot of wisdom there. Like you said, I think she nailed it.

Peace