I have some questions...and something I just want to say.
Last night, my mum told me she'd run a bath for me. My hair is very long and hard to manage so she conditions it and then combs it through for me.
I went into the bath, and she did it. But the whole time I felt terrible - that morning, I hadn't said my daily prayer properly. I'd been too late and gone to school. I told myself I should've put God first, but I'd pray after school. I tend to get ready before praying, because the prayer takes a long time...
When I got back, I was tired, and the prayer I pray I find very tiring to do so. I repeat the same statements and and have to say it "right." It takes me long and I feel stressed when praying it. I think I should perhaps change what I pray. But I had planned on doing so. I told myself I'd build my strength up by eating. I ate, and had a laugh with my brother. I spent quite a while with him and then ate my dinner watching the TV.
A bit later, my mum said we should do my hair. We'd planned on doing so. I agreed, but then said "not quite yet," thinking I could pray and then say I was ready, a bit worried about timing. My dad then asked if I'd like to go to the pet shop. I wanted to, and I also I think have scrupulosity. Horrible thoughts entered my head, saying blasphemous thoughts come if I went. I don't know if this was right...but I switched my mind to thinking they would happen if I DIDN'T go, thinking perhaps I could use this so I could have more opportunities. Was that wrong?
When I got back, my mum had run a bath for me, ready. I could have explained that I wanted to pray, but she doesn't know and I know it's bad but I feel I just can't tell my family. I have asked God to help me but I really doubt, even though God can do anything, that I would be able to. Maybe that's why I can't. What do I do about that?
I wondered what to do. Maybe I could pray very quickly...? Or maybe I could pray after my bath.
I thought "am I really putting God first here?" I wasn't sure, and I still am not. That's a question I wanted to ask. Would taking a bath before praying, getting ready before praying, be wrong?
Often when I'm not sure about something - but usually it seems innocent but my suspected scrupulosity makes me worry about it - I pray "please let me know if it's wrong, Father." But I didn't know. I felt worried when my mum was combing my hair. I wasn't sure if it was me worrying, or God telling me it was wrong. I wasn't used to God "letting me know" usually.
I prayed "let me know for sure, Father," and tried to stop worrying, which maybe I should have prayed " if it's okay to do, please let me stop worrying (it would have been difficult to pray the whole prayer "properly" in the bath with my mum there). But I worried and felt I wasn't doing what I was doing through faith. That's what worried me the most - I really, really wasn't sure if I was sinning and yet I continued. I went straight to bed afterwards, so I could pray and cry. I prayed for a long time, until I was exhausted.
I let God down. But the worst thing is is that I know if it were to happen again, a situation which I was not sure in, but found it hard to avoid without explaining myself, I would sin...again.
Last night, my mum told me she'd run a bath for me. My hair is very long and hard to manage so she conditions it and then combs it through for me.
I went into the bath, and she did it. But the whole time I felt terrible - that morning, I hadn't said my daily prayer properly. I'd been too late and gone to school. I told myself I should've put God first, but I'd pray after school. I tend to get ready before praying, because the prayer takes a long time...
When I got back, I was tired, and the prayer I pray I find very tiring to do so. I repeat the same statements and and have to say it "right." It takes me long and I feel stressed when praying it. I think I should perhaps change what I pray. But I had planned on doing so. I told myself I'd build my strength up by eating. I ate, and had a laugh with my brother. I spent quite a while with him and then ate my dinner watching the TV.
A bit later, my mum said we should do my hair. We'd planned on doing so. I agreed, but then said "not quite yet," thinking I could pray and then say I was ready, a bit worried about timing. My dad then asked if I'd like to go to the pet shop. I wanted to, and I also I think have scrupulosity. Horrible thoughts entered my head, saying blasphemous thoughts come if I went. I don't know if this was right...but I switched my mind to thinking they would happen if I DIDN'T go, thinking perhaps I could use this so I could have more opportunities. Was that wrong?
When I got back, my mum had run a bath for me, ready. I could have explained that I wanted to pray, but she doesn't know and I know it's bad but I feel I just can't tell my family. I have asked God to help me but I really doubt, even though God can do anything, that I would be able to. Maybe that's why I can't. What do I do about that?
I wondered what to do. Maybe I could pray very quickly...? Or maybe I could pray after my bath.
I thought "am I really putting God first here?" I wasn't sure, and I still am not. That's a question I wanted to ask. Would taking a bath before praying, getting ready before praying, be wrong?
Often when I'm not sure about something - but usually it seems innocent but my suspected scrupulosity makes me worry about it - I pray "please let me know if it's wrong, Father." But I didn't know. I felt worried when my mum was combing my hair. I wasn't sure if it was me worrying, or God telling me it was wrong. I wasn't used to God "letting me know" usually.
I prayed "let me know for sure, Father," and tried to stop worrying, which maybe I should have prayed " if it's okay to do, please let me stop worrying (it would have been difficult to pray the whole prayer "properly" in the bath with my mum there). But I worried and felt I wasn't doing what I was doing through faith. That's what worried me the most - I really, really wasn't sure if I was sinning and yet I continued. I went straight to bed afterwards, so I could pray and cry. I prayed for a long time, until I was exhausted.
I let God down. But the worst thing is is that I know if it were to happen again, a situation which I was not sure in, but found it hard to avoid without explaining myself, I would sin...again.
