Less than 5 minutes

[ValleyGal]

There was a short news article on hugging last night. They reported that hugging is different for men and women. Hugging releases oxytocin - the hormone responsible for bonding. This is great news for women! But for men, apparently hugging is a little more complex. Testosterone is a sort of oxytocin blocker, so unless a man is hugged with firm pressure and for a time of more than 20 seconds, chances are the oxytocin will be blocked. It takes at least 20 seconds for the oxytocin to break through the testosterone for bonding to occur.

They also say that human beings need a minimum of 8-10 hugs per day just to maintain a basic level of self worth. If you are intentional about hugging your spouse for 10 hugs every day, each for 20 seconds, you are actually only hugging for 3.333 minutes per day. Pretty good investment, if you ask me! For less than five minutes per day, you can form a healthy bond with your spouse.

The side benefits are pretty good too. If you hug when you are in the middle of an argument, both your hearts will soften and the argument will seem less important, you will create a caring environment, you will be meeting each other's needs for physical touch, and you will be investing in their self worth/confidence. And they cost nothing but less than five minutes of your day....

Have you hugged your spouse today?

 

[Darkhorse]

Yes, I have - and I hug my kids too. It makes a big difference in family bonding and smoothing out the inevitable conflicts between people.

 

[akmom]

A twenty-second long hug? I usually do that to be obnoxious... who knew?

 

[Inkachu]

Don and I are both HUGE touchy-feely, affectionate people, and I love that. We hug and kiss all the time. He's actually more of a cuddle-bug than I am sometimes, particularly when I'm trying to sleep lol. He wants to fall asleep with me all bundled up in his arms, but I can't sleep with a big, heavy man draped all over me lol. I feel badly, and he's always joking about "rejection", and I find it sweet and comical that HE'S the one wanting more cuddles. In general though, we're always hugging and/or kissing, and saying "I love you". It's almost second nature, we don't even have to think about it most of the time. I made sure I married someone as touchy-feely as I am, very much on purpose!

I'm not surprised to learn about the release of oxytocin from hugs; it's the same hormone released when a woman nurses her baby, the "bonding" hormone. Funny enough, oxytocin is also responsible for triggering labor - ouch lol. And of course, we have to battle through 20 seconds of testosterone resistance to get our hubbies into a warm, fuzzy mood lol. Figures!

 

[ValleyGal]

Twenty seconds feels like a long hug if you are counting the seconds. Yet 14 of them is actually less than 5 minutes...and five minutes out of a 24-hour day doesn't seem like much. Pretty cost-effective and fun investment with a great ROI.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Yup, hugged today (just about every day). I'm certainly not getting 8-10 per day though, and I don't think I have a problem with self-worth. Then again, I get in looonnnggg hugs when I can, so I think maybe they might count for 3-4 each.

Sometimes though he stands like a tree trunk when I hug him. I asked him about that, because it *feels* cold and rejecting. He does't mean it that way apparently, he is letting ME hug HIM.

The things I have to adjust to, LOL. But he does like to cuddle in bed, so that makes up for it somewhat.

 

[Nickybobby]

Too bad we can't get this into the workplace...I'm sure the productivity would go up, but so might the harassment claims.

 

[QueSeraSera]

Oh my gosh. I'm the odd ball. I absolutely do not need 8 to 10 hugs a day let alone for 20 seconds to maintain a basic level of self worth . I also again fall to the odd side because that would never maintain a healthy bond between me and my spouse .It takes a lot more than that to maintain my basic personal level of self worth ,and the bond I have with my spouse .

 

[~Anastasia~]

Interesting ...

Yes, I "need" them in a way, but it's more of a "human" thing. I think they mean more affection to my husband.

I need to be loved in other ways to keep our bonds strong, but hugging isn't a detriment.

 

[Rudolph Hucker]

Well, we're on different continents right now, but normally, yes, often and probably at least the 8-10 mentioned ....

Imiss'erandthe'ugs ....

 

[ValleyGal]

I was particularly interested in the oxytocin effect of bonding and how it takes a minimum of 20 seconds for men to reap the benefits of that bonding agent. Hugging is different for women - I can hug my girlfriends and we experience bonding no matter how long the hug is. But it's different for men.

So part of the implication for this is likely to protect the marital bond. For spouses, hugging for 20 seconds is probably more normal than hugging a parent or friend of the opposite sex. I don't need to worry about my husband bonding with another woman over a small hug every time we see them, and I don't have to worry when I hug our male friends since they are usually hugs that last about 3 seconds. So although I am not an evolutionist, I can see how from an evolutionary theory, how this time delay is beneficial to preserving the marital bond.

And of course no one can argue the side benefits.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Less than 5 minutes

When I read that I wanted to make a joke so badly.

I was particularly interested in the oxytocin effect of bonding and how it takes a minimum of 20 seconds for men to reap the benefits of that bonding agent. Hugging is different for women - I can hug my girlfriends and we experience bonding no matter how long the hug is. But it's different for men.

I am not sure why most of me seems to be more like a woman then a man. Not complaining since I always connect easier with women then I do men. When most guys tell me things as a man I'm like "I don't understand really. I don't do <insert thing> or like <insert thing>." I cry at romance movies, I can cuddle with my wife before and after... well you know and run my hand through her hair and cry as I tell her how beautiful she is. Most guys I tell that to get confuse as to why a guy would do that.

So part of the implication for this is likely to protect the marital bond. For spouses, hugging for 20 seconds is probably more normal than hugging a parent or friend of the opposite sex. I don't need to worry about my husband bonding with another woman over a small hug every time we see them, and I don't have to worry when I hug our male friends since they are usually hugs that last about 3 seconds.

Is cuddling sort of like hugging? I realize cuddling it more then just hugging but lets say we are going to sleep. She cuddles up with me like shes hugging me and I have my arm around her. I enjoy it right away as does she. It just feels good like a "Everything is as it should be and right in the world" sort of feeling.

Often when I was with her we would just stand and hug. It felt so amazing. Big smiles, even some giggles.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I tend to not put TOO much stock in the men vs. women generalizations.

I do think we are made differently, don't get me wrong, but I think with the continuum we each find ourselves on, generalizations can be less than helpful.

I for one seem to approach many things "like a man" - whatever that means. In a lot of ways I have a very practical mind (could probably use to depend on it more than I do, LOL). And I'm often more comfortable approaching things that way than the emotional way, depending on what we're talking about.

On the other hand, my husband can also be said to display some of those traits that people sometimes assume women have in greater abundance. My first husband did as well. In talking to my daughter (she thinks deeply on these things) she has come to the conclusion that she is also on the supposed "masculine" spectrum on some things, and her fiancee further into the "feminine" in some things than one might expect.

I don't think all of "us" here in my family are so strange. I think that most likely means that many of us find ourselves at different places on different traits, and so the generalizations are often wrong.

If they turn out to be right in a certain area and helpful for addressing an issue, then fine, use it as a tool. Just don't try to interpret the whole world along those lines. (They HAVE been helpful to me at times in understanding certain things, I'll freely admit that.)

 

[Inkachu]

Too bad we can't get this into the workplace...I'm sure the productivity would go up, but so might the harassment claims.

LOL - good one!

I've heard of people setting up something like a "hugging booth" or other type of stranger-on-stranger hugging service, which just seems plain icky to me. I remember seeing a story about a photographer who would pick two strangers off the street and ask them to pose together as if they were related (husband/wife, mother/daughter, etc) and sometimes included the people hugging or holding each other. Some of the people found it to be unexpectedly bonding and they felt like they'd made a new friend, while others were noticeably awkward and uncomfortable. My conclusion? Physical touch does not a friend make lol.

 

[Inkachu]

I tend to not put TOO much stock in the men vs. women generalizations.

I do think we are made differently, don't get me wrong, but I think with the continuum we each find ourselves on, generalizations can be less than helpful.

I for one seem to approach many things "like a man" - whatever that means. In a lot of ways I have a very practical mind (could probably use to depend on it more than I do, LOL). And I'm often more comfortable approaching things that way than the emotional way, depending on what we're talking about.

On the other hand, my husband can also be said to display some of those traits that people sometimes assume women have in greater abundance. My first husband did as well. In talking to my daughter (she thinks deeply on these things) she has come to the conclusion that she is also on the supposed "masculine" spectrum on some things, and her fiancee further into the "feminine" in some things than one might expect.

I don't think all of "us" here in my family are so strange. I think that most likely means that many of us find ourselves at different places on different traits, and so the generalizations are often wrong.

If they turn out to be right in a certain area and helpful for addressing an issue, then fine, use it as a tool. Just don't try to interpret the whole world along those lines. (They HAVE been helpful to me at times in understanding certain things, I'll freely admit that.)

I'm very much the same way. I joke constantly that I'm a dude in a girl's body. I have extremely feminine characteristics emotionally, but otherwise, I'm a lot more like a guy lol. I don't talk a lot. I don't shop. I don't do "chit chat". I own two pairs of shoes. I don't wear dresses or makeup. I don't "coordinate" the stuff in my house. I don't manipulate people with flirting or nagging or any of that other junk. I say what I mean and I expect (sometimes naively) that others will do the same, and I get frustrated when I can't get straight answers.

You're right on that SOME generalizations are pretty much true across the board, but some aren't, so you have to be flexible with your expectations.

 

[~Anastasia~]

LOL - good one!

I've heard of people setting up something like a "hugging booth" or other type of stranger-on-stranger hugging service, which just seems plain icky to me. I remember seeing a story about a photographer who would pick two strangers off the street and ask them to pose together as if they were related (husband/wife, mother/daughter, etc) and sometimes included the people hugging or holding each other. Some of the people found it to be unexpectedly bonding and they felt like they'd made a new friend, while others were noticeably awkward and uncomfortable. My conclusion? Physical touch does not a friend make lol.

Oh, that's kind of icky. I wouldn't want to be forced into that situation.

On the other hand, I'm going to go out on a limb here. Have you ever seen a stranger and WANTED to hug them? Or felt an unexpected but strong sense of caring for them?

Maybe I'm weird, but it happens sometimes. I may see an old lady, and it's as if she's my very own grandma (looking nothing like her, nor acting like her). I just LOVE her and want to hug her. Or a child, that suddenly it's as if they are your own? I hope that doesn't sound awful. I'm not saying I'd kidnap the kid or anything, and I've never seen a man and thought of him as my husband - though I have identified sometimes one as if he were my brother. I just wondered ... ?

 

[Inkachu]

On the other hand, I'm going to go out on a limb here. Have you ever seen a stranger and WANTED to hug them? Or felt an unexpected but strong sense of caring for them?

Maybe I'm weird, but it happens sometimes. I may see an old lady, and it's as if she's my very own grandma (looking nothing like her, nor acting like her). I just LOVE her and want to hug her. Or a child, that suddenly it's as if they are your own? I hope that doesn't sound awful. I'm not saying I'd kidnap the kid or anything, and I've never seen a man and thought of him as my husband - though I have identified sometimes one as if he were my brother. I just wondered ... ?

Oh, all the time! I think that's just part of having a big, loving heart for people

 

[ParentofChildren]

Great post VG. Simple pleasure, and the importance of soft affection.

There are actually different hug types also, chest to chest embrace, cross 1 shoulder, one hip; Bear Hug ; & mutual hip to hip. The right hug means something too.