Left out

[Chococat]

I really wish I was more outgoing but I am kinda reserved and shy so therefore I tend to get overlooked or ignored when in groups and feel uncomfortable with strangers at least till I get to know them. It doesn't help that my 2 closest friends are really outgoing and find it easy to talk to people even strangers. For instance last Saturday I went round to one of my friend's for the afternoon, like I usually do most Sat afternoons only to find she had her friend from college who I had never met before there along with her 2 kids and my friend's grandkids. They all spent most of the afternoon talking to each other and more or less ignoring me apart from the occasional few words. If I had been more outgoing maybe it would have been different but being a bit shy and awkward around strangers I was not able to talk much. I also feel a bit angry and hurt with my friend as she knows I'm shy and not good with people I don't know yet she still invited this lady around even though she knew I was coming and did not even tell me before hand. Plus I suspect this lady thought I was either rude or stupid or both. Maybe I am being a bit unfair as she has the right to invite who she likes to her own home but I think she could have at least told me beforehand then I would have been prepared. Just a vent really but has anyone else ever been in this situation?

 

[Criada]

That sounds difficult, sweetie
Your friend does have the right to invite other people, but it would have been better to let you know - specially if she knows that you find it hard to talk to strangers.
Praying for you

 

[Chococat]

Thanks Criada. Does anyone have any advice on what to do if you find it difficult to talk to strangers? As my friend and that other lady both had kids they had more in common as I don't have any. For instance I usually hang out with this friend and another friend and they both have kids/grandkids and one friend actually told me to her face that she felt sorry for me sometimes because I did not have as much in common as those 2 did.

 

[aflower4God]

My dear sweet loving sister,I am so like you I feel left out a lot, so I TOTALLY KNOW your pain. I feel left out when I don't have a boyfriend and or kids. Know that I have been praying for you my dear sweet loving sister. You are never left out with me and DEF NEVER Left out with Jesus. ((((((((((((((((MANY BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) to you

 

[Winter]

Chococat, I totally understand you. I would also be annoyed, but she meant no harm. Its more frustrating than anything.

I am ridiculously shy too. But here's a tip. Always smile. Even if you don't speak or look at anyone in the eye. Have a smile because then folks won't misinterpret shyness for being snobby. I learned that a long time ago. When I'm with a group of people and I have no idea how to act, I just smile. Then it doesn't even look like I'm shy. It looks like I'm being friendly without having to talk or respond.

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

Shyness is very often seen as aloofness. We have to be cognizant of our outward behavior towards others and we're responsible for it. Even if you find it awkward, no matter how you feel, you have a responsibility to at least be pleasant and well mannered. You can deal with your emotions later. It can also be construed as coming from a person who doesn't know how to share their friends and you certainly want to refrain from being one of those people.

I've suffered severely from social anxiety in the past so I can tell you honestly that regardless of your feelings you are responsible for your behavior in social situations and you don't want to come off as unfriendly. I learned that forcing myself to be polite & at least kind, my emotions change with the event and I actually come away feeling better than I would have if I had just give myself over to the fear. That's what it is you know, social anxiety, fear of rejection. Many of us have been mistreated and rejected by people so we develop these fears. I've also learned that if I confess the fear as sin to God and ask Him to forgive me and give me the grace to repent of it, that His grace lessens or even removes that fear.

Pray, pray, pray and God will help you. Remember that it's only our own behavior that we can control or be responsible for and see to it that we're not allowing negative emotions to make us behave in an ill-mannered way, even if others are ill-mannered. This is how a mature adult behaves and though it doesn't make it hurt less when we are treated poorly we can feel good that we have treated others well and we can take that real hurt to the Lord in prayer later and deal with our wounded emotions before Him where we can get clarity & discernment.

It may be that if a person is actually being inconsiderate & treating us bad, we'll discover that as we sort it out in prayer with the FAther, and we may end up severing that tie if turns out the other person really doesn't care to treat us well. I've learned if a person is a continuing source of pain in my life, it's okay to distance myself from that person if they can't see they're disrespecting or hurting me in some way even after I've told them that what they're doing is hurting me.

God bless and hope my own experience can help you in some way.

 

[Chococat]

I agree with you GSB and btw thanks for the blessings. I do try to be polite and say the occasional word so people won't think I'm stuck up. I do have a lot of hurt in the past where I have been left out by people. It doesn't help when your friends are pretty outgoing and you're not. I also know I need more friends who live close by as although I like those 2 ladies I mentioned I know they are a lot closer to each other than they are to me and have more in common with each other and I know that gets me down a bit. I still want to be friends with them but I know I need to be less dependent on them.

 

[Chaplain David]

Thanks Criada. Does anyone have any advice on what to do if you find it difficult to talk to strangers? As my friend and that other lady both had kids they had more in common as I don't have any. For instance I usually hang out with this friend and another friend and they both have kids/grandkids and one friend actually told me to her face that she felt sorry for me sometimes because I did not have as much in common as those 2 did.

Hi,

I can relate to the part about being uncomfortable talking to strangers. I also had this difficulty when working in a group setting.

You've had this difficulty for a while now and it does not sound like it has abated much. I believe some life coaching or counseling about the matter and anything else that bothers you or has been a long standing problem would be helpful and useful.

A helping professional to use in this type of situation would be a Christian, same sex, counselor or therapist who is licensed and experienced. In fact when researching someone to see you could list some of the things that trouble you and ask if the counselor is experienced helping with problems like that. Two specific types of counselors who can be very good are a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW).

What do you think?

I pray the very best for you and yours.

CH Sacerdote

 

[Jo1]

That sounds difficult, sweetie
Your friend does have the right to invite other people, but it would have been better to let you know - specially if she knows that you find it hard to talk to strangers.
Praying for you

Hi Chocolat, sorry you find these things hard. I agree with what criada wrote about that. I don't think your friend was doing it on purpose, but she just didn't think I guess. I totally understand been there too.
God bless you love, I hope you find some encouragement in what people have wrote. God bless you love.

 

[Chococat]

I am still feeling a bit hurt because my friend has gone round to this other lady's today though Saturday is usually the day she sees me. I understand that it is probably so her grandkids and this other lady's kids can get used to each other as they are all going on holiday together soon. No I am not upset about that as there is no way I could go anyway. I can think logically about such things (sometimes) but I can't help wondering if she is pushing me out for this other lady as they probably have more in common (they both have families) It's not that I don't want to share my friends it's just I don't want to be dropped for someone else. I think a lot of it comes from my past when friends have made new friends and dumped me amongst other things. Please pray that I will be able, with God's help to let go of the past. Thanks in advance.

 

[RuthD]

I can relate to you a lot. I am a shy person and often don't know what to say around others. Have you thought of finding a support group where you can find those you have more in common with? I found that very helpful for a number of years until I was treated rudely by several people and felt so bad I left the group. Have been thinking of going back and finding others there who I have things in common with and who are kind. I don't know if you have this service in your area but here we can call 211 and they recommend groups near you. Another way to find a group is to call your local mental health place or hospital and talk to a social worker about referring you to a group. I know you said that groups are hard for you but I thought if you found one where you have things in common it may be easier for you to find things to talk about. Sometimes taking risks gives us progress.

You talked about not wanting to be totally dependant on the 2 friends, maybe you can make a new friend or two at church or some kind of gathering you might like to go to. I am open to new friends if you want to pm me. I don't have hardly anyone to talk to and enjoy writing to someone.

 

[Chococat]

Well things seem to be sorted out there as when my friend made it clear that this lady would be either coming around or she would be going to her house every Saturday at least until the holiday at the end of this month I asked her if it was ok if I went around another day and she said that was fine. I think this is the best solution for everyone concerned that way I get to see my friend on her own and then her new friend gets to see her on her own so everyone's happy

 

[RuthD]

I'm happy for you that a way was found for all to be happy. All the best to you!