I literally hit rock bottom last night. I went to church for eighteen years every Sunday, then stopped; after September 11th, my church congregation was lost in a cycle of hate and vindictiveness, I believed. Instead of seeking another congregation that could reinforce my faith in man, I allowed their actions to poison my heart. I still read my Bible every now and then, but for the most part, I had become convinced that there were more "fair-weather Christians" than true believers out there.
Last night I gave into a sin against the law and against myself. On the spur of the moment, I rented a hotel room - and a call-girl. She was just what I wanted - young, pretty, and I was rather pleased with what she did - until the hotel management called the police and turned us in. She was arrested; I was given the option of jail, or signing a statement and being allowed to go home. The officer said I probably wouldn't be prosecuted, being young and a first-time offender. I still have to hear back from him about what the prosecutor's staff wants to do with me. He had a few choice words for both of us and for prostitution in general, but I respected him for doing his job, and though I wasn't admitting it to myself then, I knew I deserved to be caught.
I chose to settle my affairs with the hotel and leave. On my way out to my vehicle, I passed a black Corolla belonging to a Christian ministry who seemed to also be staying at the hotel. On the side of the car was a label with several Bible verses on it. Overcome with grief and shame, I dropped to my knees and begged God for forgiveness. I prayed all night and tried desperately to sleep. I'm still barely able to function; I feel alternately hot and cold airs around me, as if there's some sort of battle raging around me.
I am, as one would suspect, extremely scared - both for the consequences my actions might bring in the earthly plane, and the shame that I have brought upon my body and my Savior. If I didn't have to work this afternoon, I would be at my local parish; as it is, I'll have to visit there tomorrow. I know the priest there and I trust him.
Please pray for the safety of my soul. I'm a baptized Christian but I fear I may have forgotten what that means somehow. I know that if I sincerely repent, God will forgive me, but I don't know if I can forgive myself.
Last night I gave into a sin against the law and against myself. On the spur of the moment, I rented a hotel room - and a call-girl. She was just what I wanted - young, pretty, and I was rather pleased with what she did - until the hotel management called the police and turned us in. She was arrested; I was given the option of jail, or signing a statement and being allowed to go home. The officer said I probably wouldn't be prosecuted, being young and a first-time offender. I still have to hear back from him about what the prosecutor's staff wants to do with me. He had a few choice words for both of us and for prostitution in general, but I respected him for doing his job, and though I wasn't admitting it to myself then, I knew I deserved to be caught.
I chose to settle my affairs with the hotel and leave. On my way out to my vehicle, I passed a black Corolla belonging to a Christian ministry who seemed to also be staying at the hotel. On the side of the car was a label with several Bible verses on it. Overcome with grief and shame, I dropped to my knees and begged God for forgiveness. I prayed all night and tried desperately to sleep. I'm still barely able to function; I feel alternately hot and cold airs around me, as if there's some sort of battle raging around me.
I am, as one would suspect, extremely scared - both for the consequences my actions might bring in the earthly plane, and the shame that I have brought upon my body and my Savior. If I didn't have to work this afternoon, I would be at my local parish; as it is, I'll have to visit there tomorrow. I know the priest there and I trust him.
Please pray for the safety of my soul. I'm a baptized Christian but I fear I may have forgotten what that means somehow. I know that if I sincerely repent, God will forgive me, but I don't know if I can forgive myself.
Got rid of the little bit of porn I had too. I never considered myself addicted to it, but it belongs to the trash.
