Learning My Own Sexuality

[SeekingtheLord633]

I've been married 4 years. I was a virgin, he was not. He had been with almost 20 women but I did not know that until after our wedding day. He is older than me and never understood my physical innocence. He has never been gentle or patient with my body. Because of that, we had a lot of sexual problems early on. My husband committed adultery on me with 5 prostitutes. I am attractive and have since been involved with several online emotional affairs in which I have exchanged pictures with these men. I'm trying so hard to work on my marriage, but my husband has never been able to meet my needs. I'm a believer and this is tearing me up. I have no idea what to do or where to turn. My father is my pastor so I can't go to church leadership. He is also on the board of our state convention so I feel uncomfortable going to most Christian counselors that I have access to talk with. I don't know what the right thing to do is. If anyone has been in this type of situation before or has Godly advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

 

[grandvizier1006]

I'm afraid you'll have to turn to someone. If you can't trust your father to respond to this in a level-headed manner, then turn to a reliable therapist. Consider marriage counseling, although you'd have to get your husband willing. If he's not willing, confront him about his behavior if you haven't done so already. If all else fails, feel free to consider divorce. God does not want His children in unhappy marriages.

 

[Guy Incognito]

You need to tell someone, and you need to seek Godly and biblical marriage counselor. If you want to save your marriage, you're going to have to go through that awkward step of sharing this with someone (even if that person knows your father).

The other reality is that the bible has very few grounds for divorce - and both of you have those grounds due to adultery. I will be praying for you and that it doesn't come to that though

 

[softspokenLamb]

I'm with the others on this one. At this point, a marriage counselor would be the best course of action to take. You should not be making all the effort in this, and if he refuses to come willingly, either he can't see the seriousness of the problems, or he refuses to acknowledge they are, indeed, serious enough to consider too deeply. Confront him in either case, but total honesty between you is also needed. If things have deteriorated too far, then by all means divorce him. Marital unfaithfulness is the only viable grounds God gives for divorce, and like Incognito said, you both stand on that ground.
But remember, throughout the whole process of what happens after this, that you are still forgiven in God's sight if you remember that Jesus will forgive you of whatever sins you have committed if you place your trust in Him. May God be with you both.

John 8:10-11

Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

 

[SeekingtheLord633]

Here's the issue... Christ has forgiven me no matter what. I realize that I dealt wiyh wanting to "be even" and in certain ways I have accomplished that. Our marriage is not perfect. My desires beyond mymarriage are not perfect... Love isn't easy, but as a believer I should strive for perfection.

My husband is an incredibly jealous man (ironically). If I tell him things I have done or that I struggle with now, he will make me feel like a horrible person. I deeply love him but I can't be myself with him.

 

[Dave-W]

Here's the issue... Christ has forgiven me no matter what.

True - but that is no excuse for disobedience. You need to repent and cut off all of those emotional ties to other men. PERIOD.

I realize that I dealt wiyh wanting to "be even" and in certain ways I have accomplished that. Our marriage is not perfect. My desires beyond mymarriage are not perfect... Love isn't easy, but as a believer I should strive for perfection.

Yes you should. In yourself first and foremost.

My husband is an incredibly jealous man (ironically). If I tell him things I have done or that I struggle with now, he will make me feel like a horrible person. I deeply love him but I can't be myself with him.

Which is why someone needs to seriously confront him on these issues. If your dad is so tied up in the denominational structure, consider finding a counselor from another denomination or an independant christian counselor.

 

[SeekingtheLord633]

We were both confronted with the reality of our situation. This has been a living *nightmare*. I want out of our marriage so badly, but I realize that I made a commitment to him. I have no idea what I can Biblically do at this point.

 

[Johnnz]

You have valid grounds to end the marriage. I also see him, from your comments, as a psychologically harmful person.

John
NZ

 

[Matthias Rose]

The benefit of going to a marriage counsellor is that you can find a healthy way INTO your marriage, if that is possible, or a healthy way OUT of your marriage, if it is not.

The "easy" way is to fall in love with someone else, and leave the marriage for the new love. Biologically, once you are under the influence of the chemistry of love -- dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, and seratonin -- you will be able to justify any action you might take. (Yes, I've been there.) But this way can actually cause more damage, even though it "feels" better.

The healthy path is to get really honest with yourself and your husband about your needs; and to HEAR his.

Put it on the line: let him know how close to leaving you are. Let him know you want to make a good faith effort to UNDERSTAND what is missing for both of you. And then make that good faith effort! Going through the motions will not help you.

Be open to the possibility that change and transformation are possible; that a return to love is possible.

BUT -- if in getting honest with each other you clarify that there really is an irreconcilable gap between what you both need, then you can make the decision TOGETHER to disentangle, and do so in a way that is constructive and healthy and liberating, that is gentle to the other people affected by this decision. Even if you don't have children, friends and family will also be affected. Knowing that you are separating with love and compassion for each other will make a difference.

AND -- if he refuses to join you in seeking counseling, then you should STILL get your own counselling. It doesn't need to be church leadership from your particular church, and even if your dad were open to discussing this with you, he would still probably not be the right person to really act as counsellor to this situation. Or any good therapist who can meet you in your troubles AND your faith.

AND -- if you think he is a physical danger to you, if his jealousy could be physically harmful, than before all else -- get yourself to a safe place, and have the dialog from there.

 

[SeekingtheLord633]

It has been months since I have posted. I wanted to truthfully update- my husband and I are no longer separated. A LOT of honesty, forgiveness, learning, and making the decisions to follow Christ together have taken place. We're both trying so hard to be who we should be.

That being said, we have many sexual challenges. We have an active and adventurous marriage bed but I'm still not finding enough pleasure with him to stop masturbating. I deal with my desires daily and I feel so wrong.

We've just started reading "Intimacy Ignited" together but it's kind of painful. I'm lost with what to do and just want to have a healthy marriage regardless of our unhealthy pasts.

Suggestions, wisdom, and advice are more than welcome.

 

[Dave-W]

Thanks for the update and congrats on the progress!!

We have an active and adventurous marriage bed but I'm still not finding enough pleasure with him to stop masturbating. I deal with my desires daily and I feel so wrong.

Has your "honesty, forgiveness, learning," etc. discussed this issue yet?

Is he ok with it? Is he seeking a way to satisfy you?

 

[SeekingtheLord633]

I tried to talk about it but my husband didn't want to hear of it. It seems as though my sexual desires are wrong while his are "natural." He is not seeking a way to satisfy me because he doesn't think it's necessary. I'm so frustrated!

 

[grandvizier1006]

I tried to talk about it but my husband didn't want to hear of it. It seems as though my sexual desires are wrong while his are "natural." He is not seeking a way to satisfy me because he doesn't think it's necessary. I'm so frustrated!

Sorry to hear that. Your sexual desires are as natural as his. Let him know you want him.

 

[Dave-W]

He is not seeking a way to satisfy me because he doesn't think it's necessary. I'm so frustrated!

He is 100% dead wrong.

There are a couple of ways you can approach this and both assume your husband is a believer and believes in obeying God rather than self.

1 - there is a website "the marriage bed" which discusses married sexuality from a biblical perspective. I cannot access that site from my computer here (blocked) but there are 2 articles by Paul and Lori Byerly (site owners) on 1 Corinthians 7 concerning "Sexual Stewardship." Do a search and if you find one it has a link to the other. Print them out for him to read.

2 - you can initiate a Matthew 18 action against him. According to 1 COr 7, leaving you frustrated all the time is a sin against you.

Matt 18.15 Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.
16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’
17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

These 3 verses list 3 separate steps. You have already done step 1. (your post #12) My option 1 could count as another attempt at step 1 in this process as well.

The next step would be to bring along 2 witnesses and try to talk to him again. Probably a married couple that you trust and are in your congregation. (pref not your dad) Have them read the articles from the site and if they are in agreement, tell them what is going on and ask them to accompany you as you bring this up again. FYI: a "witness" is not someone who has actually seen the infraction - but is a witness to you bringing up the charges and they agree that (if true) it is a sin.

The third step is for you and the witnesses to bring it up to the "church," which would most likely be done by making a presentation of the facts to the church board (elders, presbyters, deacons) rather than interrupting a Sunday morning service to make the charge.

 

[samanjm]

I've been married 4 years. I was a virgin, he was not. He had been with almost 20 women but I did not know that until after our wedding day. He is older than me and never understood my physical innocence. He has never been gentle or patient with my body. Because of that, we had a lot of sexual problems early on. My husband committed adultery on me with 5 prostitutes. I am attractive and have since been involved with several online emotional affairs in which I have exchanged pictures with these men. I'm trying so hard to work on my marriage, but my husband has never been able to meet my needs. I'm a believer and this is tearing me up. I have no idea what to do or where to turn. My father is my pastor so I can't go to church leadership. He is also on the board of our state convention so I feel uncomfortable going to most Christian counselors that I have access to talk with. I don't know what the right thing to do is. If anyone has been in this type of situation before or has Godly advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

I just wanted to say your story has moved me deeply. It is difficult to explain, but I will try my best to because it might be encouraging for you.

I have had my own issues with christian sexual morals, which I'm not going to go into details here about because I want to talk about yours. I am new to christianity, have not even been baptised yet, so forgive me if what I'm going to say will seem naive or inmature. Also, somebody please let me know if what I say goes against the (sub)forum rules.

The thing is...I live in a highly secularised country, where marriage doesn't mean much more than a law-based institution supposed to make it easier to form families...and divorce is mostly seen either as a form of liberation or an unfortunate, but unavoidable and reasonable "lesser evil." As a proof of this, I myself come from a divorced family and my father is in his third marriage. I don't condemn them, that's not the point, I wish them well, they are and always will be my parents and I intend to honor them for giving me life and bringing me up no matter what.

My point is this: You are struggling. You have problems in the bed with your husband. You have been cheated on and tempted to "return the favor" yourself. You have met with both ignorance and indifference from your loved one.
And...you...didn't...run.
You didn't leave. You didn't break your commitment. Because it was a commitment made before the face of God. The ten commandments tend to be phrased in the form of a negative command. Don't murder, don't covet. Don't steal..etc. But you can also turn them into a statement. A statement made by God about You. One renowned german theologian attempted to do that. The result was something like this (I took the liberty of rephrasing it further to stress my point):
1.You are capable of believing in God. Therefore you don't need to create idols.
2. Your words are powerful
3. You are more than your works. You are entitled to rest.
4. You are gifted with people dear to you.
5. You can live without hate. Without extremes.
6. You are capable of unconditional love
7. You can create and keep values.
8. You can trust each other.
9. You are not a toy.
10. I can provide you with everything you need.

Of course all of these should apply even after swapping "you" with "people", "men", "human beings". And I'm sure my renditions have holes you could poke in all day. For now I want to focus on the sixth and ninth commandment.

Marriage is a training in "loving thy neighbour as thyself". And you...are a living example of what I thought impossible for so long. After reading your story, without adding anything else to it, I have realised that....this is right. This is the way it's meant to be. It came to me as a strike of lightning, equally sudden, shocking and awe-inspiring.
Of course I don't mean your husband cheating on you, you being tempted, feeling lonely, lost, confused and empty. It would be rash to proclaim that God's will. God's will is salvation for mankind, no more, no less.
What I mean is this....you chose one person to share and dedicate your whole life to, and now, when things aren't as cherry as they seemed to be in the beginning, you are not letting go. You are with him, even if he's not with you. By his side, ON his side, even at times he doesn't seem to be on yours. Through thick and thin. I know I know...you might want to tell me that's not what it's really like, that you are really much weaker, and your heart is not as pure as I picture it. But still, even so....
If man and woman are to be together, in the most intimate and sacred union possible, it should stay that way. Otherwise, humans have no hope and might as well kill each other out or go extinct because of depopulation.
You are struggling. I believe strongly that that is an appropriate answer to your situation. And I believe strongly that God will eventually show you the way to go, because you are the way you are.

You gave me that hope. You gave me the hope that I don't have to be perfect...perpetually loving, caring, understanding, strong, reliable....and even if I'm not, there might be a girl would love me in spite of all that...because girls can do that, once they set their mind to it. As well as guys..as well as me. You gave me the hope that I might not have to shoulder the weight of the world on my shoulders for my whole life. And that gives me the strength, in spite of my sinful nature and in spite of my shortcomings, to actually BE...loving, caring, understanding, strong, reliable...PERFECT....not because I can be...but because I, ultimately, don't have to be. And that why it's worth trying.

Don't get me wrong please...I am not trying to justify your husband's behavior. I just want to raise your awereness of what you are doing, whether you realise it or not. You carry..no, you ARE a great source of light...it dazzled me as I just described...don't ever forget about that, and don't ever let the light go out. Use it to set fire to your husband's light too. Don't let HIM put it out either. God doesn't want you to suffer, even if it's for your husband. Show him who you are....thanks to your commitment, you cannot be in a better position to do so. It is said that the relationship of God and his people can be compared to the relationship of a groom and its bride. But such a relationship, as we see in the bible, is by no means just harmonious and peaceful. It's more like a very passionate italian married couple. It has its ups and downs, but ultimately, no matter what they say or do, no matter how heated argument they enter, they always stick together in the end, they never leave each other, they are inseparable...

Who on Earth would confess their love to someone, expecting it to end?
"I would bring you the moon from the sky...but I might change my mind later"
no sane person takes that attitude.

Struggle on...fight for your life. I will pray for you two. And I believe God will show you the way in the end.