leading him on?

[ChrisWins]

^ Wow. That's great stuff right there and from what I get out of it, in order to keep the guy in check, the girl must be in control. Quite the opposite of how men "should" be and usually try to be and I put "should" in quotes because it's not the hard and fast rule just what is the norm in society. Men big strong in control, you woman, you submit. But no, not with a girl being friends with a guy, huh? She's gotta lay down the law because he's more than likely, inevitably, somewhere, at least in the back of his mind, wanting to escalate from friendship to romance if the possibility is there. Of course - that's how the best romances should be, methinks, but if she's not immediately interested in pursueing that then she's boss and she's gotta say what's what and if he mucks it up then he could lose a friend. But if he plays by here rules then the two can have a nice friendship. Did I just actually learning something today? Cool! And I guess it can work with the sexes switched if, by some strange reason, it's the guy who just wants to be friends but maybe I'll take that back, the strange part, because maybe the guy's genuinely got his head screwed on straight and has his mind set to getting closer to God but all the while he wants a friendship with someone who happens to be a girl who also happens to want more when he doesn't. Huh. Probably not gonna be that way very often but I guess tis possible, eh.

Good stuff!!

 

[Fatolia]

most people don't like to be rejected! Unless a dude's got a checklist of girls and he can carelessly cross off the latest rejection and wantonly move on to the next girl...

And that's precisely the solution I use! If the girl could care less about how I think of her, then NEXT!

 

[ChrisWins]

And that's precisely the solution I use! If the girl could care less about how I think of her, then NEXT!

The only problems there are if the guy gets too attached i.e. lets his emotions get the better of him i.e. he's got a wicked crush! Also, not all guys just have a list to cross off one failure and then they just move on to the next girl. It ain't shopping for groceries.

 

[boilerblues]

^ Wow. That's great stuff right there and from what I get out of it, in order to keep the guy in check, the girl must be in control. Quite the opposite of how men "should" be and usually try to be and I put "should" in quotes because it's not the hard and fast rule just what is the norm in society. Men big strong in control, you woman, you submit. But no, not with a girl being friends with a guy, huh? She's gotta lay down the law because he's more than likely, inevitably, somewhere, at least in the back of his mind, wanting to escalate from friendship to romance if the possibility is there. Of course - that's how the best romances should be, methinks, but if she's not immediately interested in pursueing that then she's boss and she's gotta say what's what and if he mucks it up then he could lose a friend. But if he plays by here rules then the two can have a nice friendship. Did I just actually learning something today? Cool! And I guess it can work with the sexes switched if, by some strange reason, it's the guy who just wants to be friends but maybe I'll take that back, the strange part, because maybe the guy's genuinely got his head screwed on straight and has his mind set to getting closer to God but all the while he wants a friendship with someone who happens to be a girl who also happens to want more when he doesn't. Huh. Probably not gonna be that way very often but I guess tis possible, eh.

Good stuff!!

It has to be done in reverse also, guys have to be totally on the up and up with women and they need to set good boundaries also. Having a good understanding of the boundaries we need to set in order to have a God honoring relationship with someone is important for both men and women. We all suffer from terminal humanness (ie: sin) and we need to guard ourselves against temptation and not place a stumbling block in front of others. I'm not responsible for a woman's sin if she sets me up as an idol (not that it would ever happen to me), but I am responsible if I allow her or encourage her to get the wrong idea or continue to have the wrong idea.

I have to admit that I've learned these things the hard way, I've made mistakes in both directions. I'm hoping that I've learned my lesson, but I still seek the Lord to lead me in how to love my brothers and sisters, including when to hold them at arms length.

 

[the_man]

^ I thought I had something good but ahhhhh, you're the same color as me, well this just isn't gonna work... better... anyway, glad I didn't click Submit 'cause that's some good insight right up there by "the_man" ... what a cool name!

It's a good color no?

Wait... are you a girl? Yes, it is a terrible thing from the guy's point of view! That's called rejection and last time I checked - most people don't like to be rejected! Unless a dude's got a checklist of girls and he can carelessly cross off the latest rejection and wantonly move on to the next girl... as a guy, being turned down is terrible... eh, but it's life! Ya live, ya learn. Best thing to do is just be careful and try to not let it happen. Sometimes unavoidable which probably makes us better people... sometimes stupider people... like I said, ya live, ya learn!

Heh, naw mate, I have had my share of rejection. However, it has been my experience (and that of many others) that before a girl rejects you verbally, she rejects you in many other ways (non verbal) that you can choose to see or ignore. That is, rejection comes most likely when there is no invitation from a woman and yet a man decides to engage with her regardless. (Just as in the case we are discussing in this thread)

Also, you should take my statement in the context that it was written. Nico talked about an incident in HS that would make her hesitant to reject a guy (that she should rightfully reject) for fear of how she would be perceived. I said that rejecting him is not so terrible that one should avoid rejecting another...not so terrible as going out on a date that you don't be at and eventually rejecting him anyway.

 

[hex98co99]

hex98co99 - I think someone tried to answer your question in the "love is risky..and painful" tread... in case you didn't see it.

Nico - I like hex98co99's advice to ask if it's ok to bring a friend or friends. If I didn't see that advice, I wouldn't have any idea what to do either! Well, I would probably just say "no" just so I wouldn't lead the guy on. Do what you're comfortable with and good luck!

your right!!! they did. I just got distracted with the BIG happy b-day lettering on that post.

Thanx so much for the tip!!

Hector
><)))">

 

[JPPT1974]

I am open to anything possible. But first I would rather be friends and see where the Lord wants to take it from there. Also I don't believe at love at first sight. I believe that it is in the interest of God to lead us towards a possible relationship.

 

[rhssm]

Nico, I completely understand where you're coming from. All the thoughts you've said have run through my head before and it can be frustrating and pretty uncomfortable too.

Okay... I realize how hard of a job guys have, being the ones asking out most often, but for those of us females who actually care about people and don't like to hurt people's feelings, it's also pretty hard to turn guys down without feeling at least a little bad about it. I've come to believe that there's really no completely graceful way to do it, because no matter how it's done, the guy's going to feel somewhat rejected... which I hate. But it is life and everyone has to get used to it. It's also important to keep in mind, that how the man responds depends on who the man is. Some respond appropriately and some respond inappropriately. Let me give you examples of two different guys who asked me out recently...both of which, I just wasn't interested in in that way.



Let's call them guy #1 and guy #2:

Guy #1 asked me out and I told him automatically that "Thank you, but I'm not really interested in anything" (very awkwardly, by the way) because I was so set on not misleading someone into thinking I was interested in him...when I just wasn't.



Labayu said in response to the comment about guys playing off the invite as "just dinner" instead of a date:

Much more likely it's a way of saving face; you didn't just turn them down and shouldn't think they like you like that because they didn't ask you on a date. Honest!

This is soo true. I've noticed this and guy #1 used this on me. He asked me if I wanted to go get coffee and when I said I wasn't "interested in anything" he said - "It's not that big of a deal, it’s just coffee." So yeah, this is a tactic used. This guy asked me twice more if I would go out with him. I told him the same thing, not interested in anything, and finally told him I would go "as friends." He said alright. Well we went out and things were all right and I even paid for my coffee after dinner...just for safe measure. On the way back to my house, he told me he was still interested in me.... even though I had already made myself clear. I told him I already told him how I feel about the situation. A week later, he was online and told me I think I'm "too good" for him. At that point... I had been really glad that I hadn't had an interest in him....



Guy #2 impressed me much more with the way he reacted. I met him at a cookout and we talked for a while and by the end of the night, he had asked me for my number and I gave it to him kind of hesitantly. Well, he called me and I made it clear that I wasn't looking for anything. But this time, I was more tactful, I initially made sure that I was as nice sounding as possible and told him I would like to be friends though.... for fear of the same thing happening again. He was much nicer, did take me out, and we have hung out, as friends, in groups ever since.



One guy wasn’t very nice, the other was.

Some guys really don't get subtle hints, and that's why I've learned through trial and error... that you should just be clear and straightforward to begin with. If you aren't, it will partly be your fault for not doing your part by making things clear to them. If they don’t know how you feel, you can’t blame them for wanting to take things further. But if they don't get it after you’ve explained the way you feel.... well that's their fault because you did all you could. Just try to keep their feelings in mind.....the best you can.

 

[rhssm]

In response tomost people don't like to be rejected! Unless a dude's got a checklist of girls and he can carelessly cross off the latest rejection and wantonly move on to the next girl...

And that's precisely the solution I use! If the girl could care less about how I think of her, then NEXT!

Just a word of advice... a lot of women find this behavior extremely annoying. I know, because I had a discussion with several other girls about this very topic a few days ago. At the college I go to, me and some other girls in the major I'm in have all been asked out by this guy who is in a lot of our classes. We find it humorous that he would ask each of us out (and between such short time frames) when we're obviously going to find out about the others being asked out by him also. You know, girls who see each other every day do talk, so it's bound to be found out eventually. Jumping from one girl to the next, after every rejection, tends to make the guy look desperate and it is made hard for girls to take him as seriously as we could have when we have discovered how he operates. Because, now, we're each just an object on his list.... So, number #1: who finds insecurity in a guy is attractive? and #2: who would want to date a guy who views a woman as another object on his list?

If you want a decent girl, don't try this strategy...or at least make sure the girls don't know each other.... hm...

 

[Fatolia]

In response tomost people don't like to be rejected! Unless a dude's got a checklist of girls and he can carelessly cross off the latest rejection and wantonly move on to the next girl...


Just a word of advice... a lot of women find this behavior extremely annoying. I know, because I had a discussion with several other girls about this very topic a few days ago. At the college I go to, me and some other girls in the major I'm in have all been asked out by this guy who is in a lot of our classes. We find it humorous that he would ask each of us out (and between such short time frames) when we're obviously going to find out about the others being asked out by him also. You know, girls who see each other every day do talk, so it's bound to be found out eventually. Jumping from one girl to the next, after every rejection, tends to make the guy look desperate and it is made hard for girls to take him as seriously as we could have when we have discovered how he operates. Because, now, we're each just an object on his list.... So, number #1: who finds insecurity in a guy is attractive? and #2: who would want to date a guy who views a woman as another object on his list?

If you want a decent girl, don't try this strategy...or at least make sure the girls don't know each other.... hm...

Yeah, well I wasn't being exactly serious...the thing is, I'm not going to let some woman who doesn't understand me get me down. I won't be manipulated and stepped all over! But I'm still going to love her and every other person like Jesus would.

 

[the_man]

Just a word of advice... a lot of women find this behavior extremely annoying. I know, because I had a discussion with several other girls about this very topic a few days ago. At the college I go to, me and some other girls in the major I'm in have all been asked out by this guy who is in a lot of our classes. We find it humorous that he would ask each of us out (and between such short time frames) when we're obviously going to find out about the others being asked out by him also. You know, girls who see each other every day do talk, so it's bound to be found out eventually. Jumping from one girl to the next, after every rejection, tends to make the guy look desperate and it is made hard for girls to take him as seriously as we could have when we have discovered how he operates. Because, now, we're each just an object on his list.... So, number #1: who finds insecurity in a guy is attractive? and #2: who would want to date a guy who views a woman as another object on his list?

This person you so described is a person I like to label a "serial dater".

 

[rhssm]

Yeah, well I wasn't being exactly serious...the thing is, I'm not going to let some woman who doesn't understand me get me down. I won't be manipulated and stepped all over! But I'm still going to love her and every other person like Jesus would.

Yeah, I understand. I figured you were at least joking a little and I understand that you meant you would try to walk away from the situation positively instead of letting it get you down. That makes sense and that’s good. But I just had to say something about the whole idea of moving from one person to another, just in case someone needed to hear it.

 

[rhssm]

This person you so described is a person I like to label a "serial dater".

Good way of putting it.