leading him on?

[Nico]

i'm sure similar situations to this have been posted, but, well, i didn't read them, so i just wanted a little advice.

this guy keeps calling me. we run in the same social circle. he's a nice enough guy, we have some things in common, but i'm just not interested in him. he wants to go out to dinner sometime. but i'm not interested in dating him. i feel like if i tell him that i'm not interested in going out to dinner, then we won't be able to really hang out as friends, and i feel like every time i say no to a guy he says "geesh, it was just freakin' dinner. lighten up." but at the same time, it's totally date-y, no? and i don't want to lead him on. and it's not like i can say that i'm not interested in dating in general, b/c i am very much interested in dating, i'm just not interested in him. and then i was thinking that i could say yes to dinner, but preface it with a "i'n not interested in dating" comment, which has a lot of potential to be extremely awkward. i guess i just don't know how to deal. i usually just don't call the guy back if i'm not interested, which i think is such a cop out and i need to stop doing that. besides, he's a nice guy and i'd like to treat him with respect.....any advice, would be cool

 

[hex98co99]

You should tell him you would go out with him just for dinner if its ok if you can bring some of your friends over as well. After all its just dinner right?
You can also tell him that he is a great guy and that you love him alot but not in dating type of way, more like a brother.

let me know if this helps.

Hector
><)))">

 

[hex98co99]

btw

how do you change the small wording under you name (NICO). I want to change the "yup, newbie" under my name. I just got stated on this christianforum again since dec. 2003.

Hector
><)))">

 

[krstg]

hex98co99 - I think someone tried to answer your question in the "love is risky..and painful" tread... in case you didn't see it.

Nico - I like hex98co99's advice to ask if it's ok to bring a friend or friends. If I didn't see that advice, I wouldn't have any idea what to do either! Well, I would probably just say "no" just so I wouldn't lead the guy on. Do what you're comfortable with and good luck!

 

[Labayu]

every time i say no to a guy he says "geesh, it was just freakin' dinner. lighten up."

It's either because 1) It really was just dinner (and they wouldn't have minded other people comming along)

or 2) Much more likely it's a way of saving face; you didn't just turn them down and shouldn't think they like you like that because they didn't ask you on a date. Honest!

 

[fishstix]

You could use the phrase "just as friends" to make things clear. For example, "Sure, I'd like to go for dinner sometime - just as friends".

 

[ChrisWins]

You could use the phrase "just as friends" to make things clear.

That's not clear enough for some guys. I was instantly reminded of the classic Jim Carrey comedy, Dumb & Dumber:

Lloyd: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?

Mary: Not good.

Lloyd: Not good like one in a hundred?

Mary: I'd say more like one in a million.

Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance? YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Some people just won't give up until they either find someone else or they know very well that there's absolutely zero chance... and then in the back of the mind that 0% chance is actually like .0000001% ... just in case.

 

[lunalinda]

This sounds all too familiar. I was not interested in a guy for a very long while as well. At first I'd just turn him down, but after the several month gap between our socializing, I decided to give my number because I enjoyed his conversation. But I still wasn't really interested, at least romantically, anyway. I was willing to hang out, though, no matter how much I told myself (and him, for that matter) that I'll just be leading him on into thinking he'll get more than a friendship from me. I accompanied him to restaurants and the movies, I remember, and I stressed so often that it wasn't a date, that we actually started to make fun of it.

But my hanging out with him and giving him the time of day eventually fed my fear, and it did lead him on. Led him on so much that he started to say he loved me, even when we weren't even a couple. Now at that point, I WAS more interested in him, just not to that extreme. That love he'd declare eventually bore its way into my heart, and I found myself wanting to tell him the same thing. Sure, I DID start liking him after awhile, no longer remembering why I wasn't interested, but still...there's that part in me that never ceases to make me wonder if I gave him a chance because I really wanted to be with him, or gave him a chance because he inadvertently "forced" me to because of how heavily he was inserting myself into my world. Or maybe even because my own vulnerabilities (I was freshly hurt, having broken up with my then ex a few months before). Or maybe all of the above.

Either way, I decided (and stupidly so) to give him the boyfriend status. A guy I wasn't interested in beyond friendship eventually grew on me to become something more than a friend, and then never lived up to anything he ever preached to me about how great he could be for me. Why was I not interested? I still don't know. Not until later. My gut would only tell me "Nah, don't give him a chance" but not why. My gut told me that I have no interest, but it never told me why. I had to find out the long (and hard) way why there was no interest, and why I should have never led him on. But we're all human...all imperfect, and though I made mistakes, they were still used for my advantage and I've learned. I just dunno how well. The situation is repeating itself almost with another guy I've been seeing (as friends) and we've gone out MANY times. The difference is that I have reasons this time around why my interest in him can't go beyond friendship, or even as a date. And because I'm aware of these reasons, it kinda makes things easier.

I dunno what my point is with this. I guess it's a matter of how big a risk you wanna take. If you hang out with him (or go out, rather) without ever wanting to advance to the next level, even if you know how he feels about you, then expect one of two things: Him to grow on you or you to grow MORE on him. And if you're like me, him growing on you means you might just "give in" and date him, since you claimed you're very interested in dating at least. Or it can even go the other way around. If you really wanna go out on those "date-y" outings, then all I suggest is to do what you can to have it be less "date-y." No kisses (of course) or perhaps even paying for your own meal. Anywhere you go, just pay for yourself. Of course those are just suggestions.

Forgive my ramble. I get lost in those sometimes. Good luck!

 

[ChrisWins]

Wow. Just wanna comment: good ramble. I do those myself sometimes, some may have noticed! Ya never know what can come out of a ramble... perhaps it's just good for you to get out things you need to say, maybe even some things that you don't even know you need to get out of you. And perhaps someone will gain something from your ramble so why not ramble away! That's what I say. Have a nice day!!!

 

[Wakeup2god]

Some guys just don't get all the subtle hints, they need it spelt out in plain English. In love of course. Good advice to mention friends coming along, if it realy is just dinner which I doubt, then he won't have a problem. If his reaction is

"geesh, it was just freakin' dinner. lighten up."

then forget it.

 

[Sketcher]

Making sure that some of those extra friends you bring are male will prevent you from sending the wrong message. Mutual friends is obviously the best choice, but if you can't find any mutual, some people that he would hit it off with would be best. Make it a group thing, not a "you and me" thing. I also agree that sometimes we need it spelled out for us. Especially those of us who are not used to girls yet.

 

[Stanfi]

I think you best option is to tell him the truth, that you are just not interested in going out to dinner with him. If there is someone else that you are interested in, tell him that there is someone else.

You just need to make if clear that you are not interested in him in a romantic sense.

 

[the_man]

he's a nice enough guy

de la morte

i feel like if i tell him that i'm not interested in going out to dinner, then we won't be able to really hang out as friends

This is a phenom in female circles that I like to call 'best of either worlds'. That is, if we can't have the best in the romantic world, lets have the best in friendship world. You can't have the gold package, but here is the silver package that is pretty good. If the guy really likes you and is smart, he would be insulted and would walk away. If he just really likes you, he will take it as a sign of encouragement to pursue you further (thinking you are the type that likes to take things slow-er).

If you want to keep him on your trail, tell him you just want to be friends. If you want him off your case, tell him that you are not interested and there is no possibility that you will be (add that there is another you are interested in if indeed there is). And after you say this, please do not expect a friendship...the right as to whether you should have a friendship has shifted to him.

 

[JPPT1974]

Tell him that you only want to be friends with him & leave it at that.

 

[justasinner]

This sounds all too familiar. ...
Forgive my ramble. I get lost in those sometimes. Good luck!

Good story Lunalinda! And I love your ramble. So, please do not stop!

Now to the thread! A couple of years ago. I meet a beautiful girl and we became friends. During this time she was dating another guy. Then after a year or so, she drop him. When I found out I asked her out. She said "No! That she just wanted to remain friends with me!" Well, no date and we are still friends.

So, I say that you should be honest with this guy. That way you can still be friends and he will know the boundaries that you want. This way he can stop looking at you for a date that will never happen and go find a person that will give him a chance to make a love connection.

 

[Nico]

so i guess my next question is, is it safe to assume that by his asking me out to dinner, he is asking me out on a date with thoughts of potential romance? that it's not a "we're just friends" thing? if that's a normal assumption, then i suppose it is fairly necessary to express, in some way, that i'm not interested in dating and he can make any moves he wants after that. friendship or no. pursue other girl or not......

i guess i'm a little scarred b/c when i was a wee lass of 14 i got asked out by a guy who was 15. i had never been on a date before, and i wasn't interested. so i said no. well he and all the sophmore girls used that as a launch pad to ridicule me for the next 3 years of highschool. they called me a stuck up snob for not going out just once with him. it was really awfull....

 

[Sketcher]

It really could go either way, because I've known guys that have asked girls out for dinner where they both kept it strictly as a friendship, but of course we do it with romantic intentions too.

 

[the_man]

so i guess my next question is, is it safe to assume that by his asking me out to dinner, he is asking me out on a date with thoughts of potential romance? that it's not a "we're just friends" thing? if that's a normal assumption, then i suppose it is fairly necessary to express, in some way, that i'm not interested in dating and he can make any moves he wants after that. friendship or no. pursue other girl or not......

Yes. There mere fact that you bring it up for discussion tells me that you are not sure of this man's intent. When in doubt, err on the side of caution. But the more compelling piece of evidence (to me atleast) is the fact that you have little repore with "this man". You said in your OP "this guy keeps calling..." You didn't say a friend of mine, a man a met a few weeks ago or anything. This is a romantic sudden movement (on his part). Friends can ask each other to do stuff, but it seems your relationship with "this guy" hasn't even hit friendship. Which only leads me to believe that he is interested romantically.

The key is to communicate effectively that you are not interested.

i guess i'm a little scarred b/c when i was a wee lass of 14 i got asked out by a guy who was 15. i had never been on a date before, and i wasn't interested. so i said no. well he and all the sophmore girls used that as a launch pad to ridicule me for the next 3 years of highschool. they called me a stuck up snob for not going out just once with him. it was really awfull....

Well, we know what he was after now don't we? Anyway, dont' worry about that, this isn't HS. Turning down a man for romance isn't such a terrbile thing. It seems that he is asking for this since you did not give him any green lights to do so (I assume you haven't).

 

[ChrisWins]

^ I thought I had something good but ahhhhh, you're the same color as me, well this just isn't gonna work... better... anyway, glad I didn't click Submit 'cause that's some good insight right up there by "the_man" ... what a cool name!

Turning down a man for romance isn't such a terrbile thing.

Wait... are you a girl? Yes, it is a terrible thing from the guy's point of view! That's called rejection and last time I checked - most people don't like to be rejected! Unless a dude's got a checklist of girls and he can carelessly cross off the latest rejection and wantonly move on to the next girl... as a guy, being turned down is terrible... eh, but it's life! Ya live, ya learn. Best thing to do is just be careful and try to not let it happen. Sometimes unavoidable which probably makes us better people... sometimes stupider people... like I said, ya live, ya learn!

 

[boilerblues]

I haven't read everything that has been said, but my best advice is that if you are not interested in developing a relationship with him then don't spend time in a one on one situation with him. He likely already has his hopes up, don't feed those hopes. You'll save him more disappointment in the long run and you'll save yourself from a more difficult situation. Be up front and honest with him. Don't assume (always remember the spelling of that word will come back to haunt you), but also set safe boundries and stick to them. I wouldn't carry on frequent deep conversations with him, I wouldn't spend one on one time with him, and I wouldn't call him just to talk. If he wants to do any of those things you are within your rights to ask him to back off some.

Good boundaries are important between men and women. It makes sure no one gets the wrong idea. You don't have to be mean, just establish boundaries that keep your heart safe and protect others. If someone crosses the boundaries let them know to back up, you are saving both of you a lot of trouble. If you do find someone you want to develop a deeper relationship then lower some of your boundaries with that person. If you find that you really don't want that deeper relationship then put your boundaries back in place. Being up front and honest with your brothers, and establishing safe boundaries, will protect them and you from a lot of disappointment, heartache, and frustration.