Know anyone like this?

[KarrieTex]

What "All-or-Nothing" Says About You

For some who have experienced a less than happy track record in the dating world, the scariest time in any romantic relationship is when it starts to look like it's actually going to work out. For the most vulnerable, criticism and doubts about their partner surface at breakneck speed and the validity of the entire relationship comes into question. All in all, though, it seems that chronic dissatisfaction and criticism of a mate may speak more to fears of disappointment than any real incompatibilities in a relationship.
A recent study conducted at Yale University found that people who think about their partner in fluctuating terms of all good or all bad suffered from poor self-esteem. They also tended to get into relationships quickly and idealized their partners as being better than they really were in reality. Then when they perceived even the smallest of faults in their partner, they tended to withdraw into themselves in an attempt to avoid feelings of disappointment.
Overly critical, all-or-nothing thinkers stifle their own needs until their lack of fulfillment explodes into criticisms and resentments. Over time they may not have any idea what they're looking for in a partner. While it can be easy to be lenient about another's perceived shortcomings at the start of a relationship, as time lags hidden expectations go unfulfilled.
Many people routinely choose incompatible relationships from the start, settling for less than their true needs because that new partner accepts them as they are, despite all of the awful things their sense of low self-esteem and self-worth seem to tell them. And rather than seeing people as having both positives and negatives, overly critical people hold their romantic partners to an unrealistic expectation of having no faults whatsoever. Sadly, this type of "all-or-nothing" behavior can repeat over and over in one relationship after another until a person realizes that they themselves are the problem.
What can be done?
The best way to combat all-or-nothing behavior is to get in touch with unfulfilled expectations from past relationships. For those registered with eHarmony, the Top 10 Can't Stands and Must Haves are great tools to help refine real relationship needs so no one has to settle.
For those dating and in relationships, enjoying current partners for who they are is important. Hammering someone to fit inside a set of unrealistic expectations that can never be met is a recipe for disaster, not to mention cruel and unusual punishment for the unsuspecting parties who are just being themselves.
Along these lines, another important step is to resist breaking up with an unsuspecting partner for temporary relief and the illusion of self-control because it only reinforces all-or-nothing behavior, and may hurt the other person. Truly accept and enjoy what they have to offer and teach you. One pleasurable side effect from accepting another is your own self-acceptance, and since lack of self-esteem is the basis of overly critical, all-or-nothing thinking, the more self-acceptance let in to your life, the happier you can be.
Love is not about all-or-nothing, it’s about the good, the bad and the everything. So starting right now, relax a little more; enjoy a little more, and shelve the judgments and criticisms that create your dissatisfaction. Once you start accepting others, you'll accept yourself, and when you're in touch with yourself, you'll know exactly what you need to have the best relationship.
And the best part? You may already be in that relationship.

You all now know my ex-bf. He's probably still on eharmony so I wonder if he will read this..... and recognize himself.

This sounds about half of what my ex and myself were and are facing. But I uhmmm broke it off with him..oops

 

[jcj3803]

maybe he need bi-polar meds now that I think about it; lol!!!

He would brag about how much he loved me out in public, but then he would tell me how worthless I was at home alone...

That is not typically bipolar. Sounds more narcissistic with some control issues / codependency. Knock you down so you rely only on him, who you eventually "see" as a godlike man.

I've got a great medical textbook on personality disorders. Helped me see that leaving an ex-SO was the only way to go.

 

[Tumbleweed64]

I hate to say this, but after six months if he's made no effort to start paying you back, you might need to give him a little persuasion...

 

[CoolMom6]

That is not typically bipolar. Sounds more narcissistic with some control issues / codependency. Knock you down so you rely only on him, who you eventually "see" as a godlike man.

I've got a great medical textbook on personality disorders. Helped me see that leaving an ex-SO was the only way to go.

Yeah since we totally derailed my friends' thread;
apologies, ebl....
The counseling staff at Focus on the Family said this was classic narcissistic personality disorder, yes.
I almost had a nervous breakdown living with that.

Back to topic, please!!!!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Yeah since we totally derailed my friends' thread;
apologies, ebl....
The counseling staff at Focus on the Family said this was classic narcissistic personality disorder, yes.
I almost had a nervous breakdown living with that.

Back to topic, please!!!!

No, please continue. It can help give me further insight and if it helps someone else that's great.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I hate to say this, but after six months if he's made no effort to start paying you back, you might need to give him a little persuasion...

We just broke up 3 weeks ago and he probably figured if we ended up marrying why actually pay me back?

So, someone suggested that he might've changed his city on eharmony to throw me off. He did change it twice in the last several weeks which is pretty strange, but they were neighboring cities and the latest city might've even been considered part of Los Angeles. As I was walking this morning I started to wonder about him not being online and I'm wondering if he might've closed down the one account we normally email through. The thought has me very upset. I went ahead and sent him an email to see if it gets bounced back. I have not tried to call, but I'm afraid that if his numbers are changed, then he is really trying to make himself scarce. It makes me almost sick to think he would do this. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I have one more paper to do and I will be through with school for the semester.

 

[Princess Pea]

I hate to say this, but after six months if he's made no effort to start paying you back, you might need to give him a little persuasion...

Yeah ... although if the official loan document gave him 2 years to pay it back and had no payment plan, he's still within the terms of the agreement. You might not have much recourse until 18 months from now.

Know any lawyers?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Yeah ... although if the official loan document gave him 2 years to pay it back and had no payment plan, he's still within the terms of the agreement. You might not have much recourse until 18 months from now.

Know any lawyers?

I know how to file in small claims. In the latest email I asked if he would start making payments if he wasn't able to borrow the whole sum from some other source. I asked him to at least acknowledge that he will do that.

I will eventually try to call him if he doesn't respond, and if he doesn't answer my calls I'm going to tell him that I'm going to contact someone from his church to intervene. If that doesn't work I have his brother's email and I'm confident I could find his parents' number too.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I got a business letter with T's information as the sender. The outside said it contained payment. My hands were shaking thinking it might be the full $2000. It was a $50 payment and when I called to verify funds I found that it's a bill payment center. I'm not sure why he would do it that way, but it's a relief to know that he intends on paying me back. It was making me extremely sad to think that he was going to not pay me.

I don't understand why he couldn't just let me know in an email that he was going to make payments. It almost seems like he thinks I did him wrong.

 

[Princess Pea]

Maybe he wanted a third party keeping track of how much he'd paid, and when. This way there won't be any situations where it's your word against his. I'm really glad he's starting to fulfill his obligation to you, though! Taking him to small claims court would have been so stressful.

Bummer about the lack of personal contact, though. I remember thinking that this was the worst thing about a breakup - that there was this person who'd had such a special role in my life, and now he was just gone without a trace, and I had no right to expect anything from him in terms of contact or communication, even though I still cared about him.

I think if I were you I'd stop making any attempts to contact him. It sure seems like he's not going to respond, and it's painful for you when he ignores you, so why give him any more opportunities to hurt you? (Not that you asked for my advice - it was just an insight I had after my own breakup. )

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Maybe he wanted a third party keeping track of how much he'd paid, and when. This way there won't be any situations where it's your word against his. I'm really glad he's starting to fulfill his obligation to you, though! Taking him to small claims court would have been so stressful.

Bummer about the lack of personal contact, though. I remember thinking that this was the worst thing about a breakup - that there was this person who'd had such a special role in my life, and now he was just gone without a trace, and I had no right to expect anything from him in terms of contact or communication, even though I still cared about him.

I think if I were you I'd stop making any attempts to contact him. It sure seems like he's not going to respond, and it's painful for you when he ignores you, so why give him any more opportunities to hurt you? (Not that you asked for my advice - it was just an insight I had after my own breakup. )

I posted a reply and now it's not here. Oh, well. I was commenting that you hit it right on the head. He was such a big part of my life and now there's nothing. We talked a min. of once a day and now my phone hardly ever rings. We started as friends; I thought that was all he would be, and now I don't even have the friendship.

After the break up I have only sent 2 or 3 emails asking him to discuss the loan and I've only called once last night asking him to call me. I have no reason to call him anymore since he's started paying me. We bought a family membership for a local zoo and everything was sent to me so I will probably send him two of the visitor passes and the account number if he wants to order his own card. It sucks seeing his name on that card.