know any Atheist jokes

[For christ alone]

does anyone know any more atheist jokes. Thanks

 

[angrySCORCH62]

I don't think so.

 

[keith99]

Not unless you count the Athiest's prayer.

Dear God, if there is a God. Please save my soul, if I have a soul.

 

[TwistTim]

1: Knock Knock

2: Who's There?

1: Nobody

2: Nobody Who?

1: <silence>

2: Come on... Nobody who?

1: <still silent>

2: ok.. Nobody Who?... wait... Nobody, can't talk to nobody.....



that's more of a kid's knock knock but it's the only thing close to it....

Most of my good jokes are Baptist jokes.... why? because I am one....

 

[Helmut-WK]

Maybe this is an atheist joke, it plays in a communist state (you see, it's a rather old joke):

The members of a village council are discussing the next actions to be taken. In the end, the president of the council summarizes the discussion: Next week, if God permits, we will ... But he gets interrupted: Comrade president, there is no God! says the local 1st secretary of the communist party. I know, comrade first secretary, I know. But what if - may God forbid - there is one?

 

[silas]

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,

"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood, objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

 

[truthiness]

Q: How does a female atheist have her hair done?
A:In big bangs

I know it's corny, have a great day

 

[WorshipBassist]

I have one!

A preacher was walking down a street. He sees a kid with a box. So he goes over to the kid and asks:

"hey kid, what's in the box?"

"They're kittens. They're Christian kittens"

The preacher laughs and goes on his way.
A few days later he's walking with another preacher and he sees the same kid. he turns to his friend and says "This kid gives the cutest answer. Go and ask him what's in the box".

The preacher's friend does this and asks what's in the box. The kid replies:

"They're kittens. Atheist kittens."

The preacher's friend says "But last week you claimed they were Christian!"

The kid replies "Yes, but now they've opened their eyes".

Yeah, I got told that one by an atheist.

 

[Uphill Battle]

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won&#8217;t claim that god did it.

 

[Uphill Battle]

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, &#8220;I&#8217;ll grant you three wishes, Master.&#8221; The atheist says, &#8220;I wish I could believe in you.&#8221; The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, &#8220;Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.&#8221; The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. &#8220;What about your third wish?&#8221; asks the genie. &#8220;Well,&#8221; says the atheist, &#8220;I wish for a billion dollars.&#8221; The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. &#8220;What&#8217;s wrong?&#8221; asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, &#8220;Just because you believe in me, doesn&#8217;t necessarily mean that I really exist.&#8221;

 

[Uphill Battle]

A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

The moral? There's a time and a place for skepticism.

 

[Uphill Battle]

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

 

[Uphill Battle]

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

 

[Uphill Battle]

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

[Uphill Battle]

Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn&#8217;t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

 

[Uphill Battle]

An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.

A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"

The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!

 

[thriftyEvie]

no,but this more of a fact.
If we come from apes, then why do we still have apes?, heard it on Christian radio once.

 

[thriftyEvie]

I don't care what anyone says, that was funny right there.

An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.

A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"

The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!