Kind of a vent. Take it or leave it. [open]

[CrystalBrooke]

Children especially have a hard time when they start to learn that not everyone does everything the same way. Sometimes I am still put back by some of the things that I learn about other people do things because it just isn't "right" to me. Maybe you should sit down with your daughter one day and talk to her about people do things differently, they dress different, talk different, discipline different, worship differently...everything..so maybe next time she won't be so shocked or get as upset when she sees something unfamiliar.

 

[purpleunicorn_Andi]

Can someone explain to me the proper way to spank in public? I'm not trying to be difficult just wanting to understand.

What I saw was a child be pulled out of the seat yanked up by the arm and spanked on the bum.

ok now yanking a child out of the seat by the arm is a bit much. if it comes to "popping" him in the store I generally just pop him on the leg... unless he is walking beside me (which is usual now, )then I will lightly swat his bottom.... I try hard not do strike in anger.. which is what it sounds like might have happened... parents having a bad day, child acting up repeatedly, and the parent just snaps... sad to say that it happens it shouldn't we as parents shouldn't let it, but I know there have been times when I have just snapped... felt lower than low afterwards too... I try o distance myself before it gets that bad though

 

[HeatherJay]

No, another child doesn't have the authority to discipline my child. My daughter knows that only mamas and daddys discipline their children so if somebody hits her it's not the same as mama or daddy spanking her for when she has done something wrong.

How do you explain the difference between "hitting" and "spanking" to a child?

Truly curious, not arguing with anything.

 

[ShiningSonBeam]

I was never told the difference between hitting and spanking and I was spanked as a child. I saw that there was no anger... in fact, more often there were tears (from the disciplinarian -- usually mom). It became rare that I needed a spanking because I wanted so much to learn to be good... to save us both the anguish.

I did, however, see my cousins get spanked, except in their cases, their parents were visibly angry. THAT was abuse, IMO. A proper spanking happens before the parent has gotten upset... i.e. you don't let a certain behavior continue until you've snapped. The behavior happens one time, you give a warning, they do it a second time, and you follow through on your warning. That warning may be a spanking or Time-Out, or whatever is appropriate for the action. But there are no raised voices, only love... in CONTROL. Follow-though is the most important thing.

I admire parents who have decided not to spank because they struggle with anger (and feel as though they misuse a spanking). That must be extremely difficult. I am determined to discipline the way I was disciplined... mainly because I found it easier to follow the rules when the boundaries were so clear.

Also, I want to add (after having read 7 pages of your posts) that you are the nicest group of ladies in a thread I've seen in a long time.

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

How do you explain the difference between "hitting" and "spanking" to a child?

Truly curious, not arguing with anything.

I think the biggest explanation comes from how the spanking is carried out. I think kids know when they are being hit and when they are being spanked because anger is involved in hitting and that's an easy emotion to pick up on. My daughter has never said that she has been spanked by another child only hit and likewise she has never said she was hit by say her grandmother only spanked. We have always explained to our daughter why she got spanked and she always knows when she's done something wrong in order to get the spanking. I think it's quite easy to explain in words though:

Hitting is done in anger. Spanking is done in discipline by only a parent (or other designated authoritive figure) out of love.

 

[Leanna]

Would it be OK for a child to "spank" another child then?

They learn the bigger person gets to do the spanking/hitting. That's why there's a higher incidence of bullying aggression in spanked children....

What I saw was a child be pulled out of the seat yanked up by the arm and spanked on the bum.

That's a risky thing to do considering how easily a child's arm/shoulder joint can be dislocated-- much easier than an adults. We are even careful when we are both holding his hands and swinging him while walking, we do it gently, because we don't want that to happen.... yanking just one arm.... one of these times the parent will likely pay for that in a trip to emergency.

 

[Linnis]

My brother and I each had an arm dislocated a few times for the whole arm yanking thing.

It's hard to witness someone being overly aggressive towards their children, either with yelling, spanking or even just the manner in which a lot of people speak to their kids. I mean in What bugs me is when I see someone outright hitting a child over and over, even more when the kid's under a year old. It gives me the creeps.

That being said I try not to get involved in how other people parent.

 

[Thankful4HIM]

Here where I live, unless you live in the ghetto... people will call the cops on you for hitting/spanking your kids especially in public.. and sometimes if teens and parents are having screaming matches cops are called. So, there's a lot of parents who can't use physical discipline and their kids take FULL advantage of it (my aunt and her kids)... They also don't listen when it comes to groundings, etc.. non physical punishment.... so.. I don't know.. sometimes it's a win lose situation... but I definitely think kids needs rules, firm foundations, and discipline (just not beatings).. I personally love rules, I love knowing the limits.. (not necessarily when I was 14 and younger lol, but that's because I never had any...) My daughter is almost 2, and although she hates time-outs, (usually work better than hitting/spanking/yelling) she loves the part where I tell her why she was in T.O. and ask her to say sorry, hug and kiss me... then we go back to our day... She throws massive fits, some of it is our fault because we have a tendency to not always be 100% consistent, which is the key and my DH undermines me sometimes..
so, in regards to OP I don't necessarily like seeing kids being hit in public or sometimes the degrading way I've seen kids talked to in public.. I'm trying to make myself not overreact to the situation, because HONESTLY, we don't know what kind of day they've been having.. but if it got out of line relentless spanking, punching, etc, I'd probably call the cops on them and let them take apart the situation....

 

[Christdefinesme]

The example cited in the op did sound a bit extreme, and obviously, as the op mentioned earlier, it was a vent, and "July" has also admitted she is extremely sensitive regarding the spanking issue.

People who choose not to spank, make a lot of assumptions regarding those who choose to spank; same goes the other way, people who choose to spank, often also make assumptions about those who choose not to. It's unfortunate, but we continue to support those offensive generalizations by some of the posts here on this thread.

It is offensive to those who spank when "anti-spankers" imply abuse, hitting, anger, etc, (basically, spankers dont' love their kid and are anything but gentle and loving).....it's also offensive to "anti-spankers" when "spankers" imply they don't love their kids enough to discipline them properly, or let their kids run wild and become brats, basically have no other way to discipline their kids, or teach them respect or right and wrong.

Just something to think about. I think we could all use a bit of adjusting of our mindsets toward those who choose different forms of discipline than the one we think is best for our family.
I think it would be nice if we could all assume that the other parents in the other "camps" love their children deeply, and will do whatever they see as best for their children and will be as loving and gentle as possible because of the extreme self-sacrificial love that most parents have for their children.

Reality is that some kids (way too many) are abused, no one likes that fact, everyone who is a loving parent passionately hates the fact that kids are abused, most can't imagine how a parent can do that to a child.......no one wants it to happen, or continue.

The assumption that this parent in the op was abusive, and does this kind of thing all the time is ridiculous.......how is anyone to know, maybe he had a bad day. I don't support how he handled the situation, because I wouldnt' do it that way. But what if I had a bad moment? Would I want my entire parenting years and my heart for my children judged by the one bad moment??? Absolutely not!!!

So, this was an unfortunate situation, but I also believe there is way too much over-identification going on and too much assumption. I can understand "July's" plea, she doesn't want any child humiliated in the middle of a crowd. (I would feel the same way) She was venting her identification with a child's likely embarrassment and humiliation. Let's just remember, we can't read others' minds, we can't feel their emotions. And we don't know what this father's day to day relationship is with his children.

 

[Zoomer]

The last thing that we need is the government deciding for us how to discipline our children. Most children who are abused, are not abused in public, but in their own homes. I just think that people are on a witch hunt for spankers because they assume that if you spank, you abuse. But I can tell you that spanking does not equal abuse. I respect that people have a differing opinions when it comes to punishment, however to try to have the government outlaw spanking is ludicrous. It in no way will reduce abuse, and will make quite a few good parents into criminals.

 

[Leanna]

The last thing that we need is the government deciding for us how to discipline our children. Most children who are abused, are not abused in public, but in their own homes. I just think that people are on a witch hunt for spankers because they assume that if you spank, you abuse. But I can tell you that spanking does not equal abuse. I respect that people have a differing opinions when it comes to punishment, however to try to have the government outlaw spanking is ludicrous. It in no way will reduce abuse, and will make quite a few good parents into criminals.

I agree!

 

[Thankful4HIM]

..

 

[JulySheMustFly]

The last thing that we need is the government deciding for us how to discipline our children. Most children who are abused, are not abused in public, but in their own homes. I just think that people are on a witch hunt for spankers because they assume that if you spank, you abuse. But I can tell you that spanking does not equal abuse. I respect that people have a differing opinions when it comes to punishment, however to try to have the government outlaw spanking is ludicrous. It in no way will reduce abuse, and will make quite a few good parents into criminals.

This is where I bow out of the thread.
Have fun y'all.

 

[Christdefinesme]

This is where I bow out of the thread.
Have fun y'all.

Hey, no way, that is not even cool, you're the one who started this!!

 

[ksdedee74]

Wow this thread is very interesting, I am curious where some of you live. I live in a very conservative rural area. But I would never spank in public. I do spank but I wouldn't in public want to know why. Not because I don't believe in spanking but because seriously CPS would probably be called. Now in our small town I spank and people know it. In the larger communities around us it is just not allowed. Parents are really not allowed in the bigger towns to discipline period. Let me give you 2 examples of CPS being called.
1st was a family I know who do not spank, Their children are very unruly, Now before you get wound up they are not unruly because of the not spanking it is because of inconsistences with the parents. I babysat for the family I have seen the inconsistencies. Anyway. They were at the store. one of the children was acting up alot, finally the father picked the boy up and took him outside, stapped in in his booster seat and then sat in the car next to him till the mother was done. Well he didn't have to wait that long the police were called immediately. Because the father was being mean to the child. Now I have to tell you this father is highly educated and totally believes spanking is beneath him. I know he did not grab the child or yell at him or anything just took him to the car and strapped him in. They were let off with a warning and later had a meeting with CPS. Why because someone watching saw the kid screaming at his dad and assumed he was being abused.
2nd example doesn't have to do with spanking but a mother took pictures of her children to wal-mart to be printed. In the pictures were some of her child running around half-naked in their living room with daddy chasing the child and I think a couple in the bathtub. She was arrested and her children taken when she went back to pick up the pictures. The charges were later dropped and walmart had to give her a big apology and such. But with things like that going on I always get nervous taking my kids to the store. Afraid someone will determine that i am not parenting right and call the cops. Now I know it wouldn't go anywhere but how scary for that would be for my kids to be taken away.

Now I don't know if these were good or bad, I don't know I imagine that walmart is being careful and that could be good. I know that with the first family it was ridiculous. Is this stopping abuse Sorry it just makes those who abuse (not just spank) more careful because they know that in this area they are being watched. And as in the 2 examples all that really did happen was underserving parents got "caught". I know the picture example was not about spanking but it was about suspected abuse. We have to be very careful about seeing something and making sweeping judgements. And about trying to draw lines.

andiesmama, justbeachy541, jgonz, Mrs A2J, Shiningsonbeam, Christdefinesme, & Zoomer Great post!!!!!

JulySheMustFly I understand your posts and see the care you have for the child, next time wait and talk about it in the car, because the confrontation with the other people are not something that would help your daughter either, but I understand your concern.

There have been alot of good posts and I see for the most part everyone is really trying to listen and understand each other. That is good Judging each other never solves anything it just builds animosity.

 

[Leanna]

... Sometimes a kid needs it if that's the only way they will listen to their parents.

I disagree.



You knew I had to say that right???

 

[Thankful4HIM]

I disagree.



You knew I had to say that right???

But of course! I know you don't spank your child. Nothing wrong with that.


I'm wondering if people are taking my posts wrong.

 

[Thankful4HIM]

.

 

[ksdedee74]

actually no, I was writing and rewriting when you posted. Sorry!!!! I was just wanting to be clear and did not want those who do not spank to think I was saying that the not spanking was the cause of the family problems.

 

[Thankful4HIM]

ohhhhh... ok