maristephens said:
I love my husband and his children and I want our marriage to last. I pray constantly for understanding however it seems when his kids come over - he changes. I am ignored and my three kids are ignored. They do not assist with house chores and the rules he sets for my children change when his kids come over. We are all confused. I have talked to him about this and he has done nothing to change. His previous two wives call him whenever they like and both have expressed to him that they have nothing to discuss with me however as his wife I feel we should all have discussions when it comes to the kids because I am an adult and affected as well.
Well, you can't make your husband change what he's doing. But, you can change what you're doing.
For example, when his children come over, pack up your three children and head off for the zoo. Have a fun exciting time connecting with each other, while continuing to enforce your household rules. (Although I noticed you said "the rules
he sets change" -- are you and your husband not doing rule-setting together?
Of course, that is just a wild example off the top of my head. You'll want to take into account the ages of the children, the duration of the other children's visits, your and your children's idea of a fun time, and so on. I recommend you take some focussed alone-time and think out a plan of action.
I also recommend that you make a very small change to start with: perhaps just plan an hour at the mall as your fun-time, rather than a three-week trip to Disneyland while he visits with his children LOL! When you decide to take control of your own choices is a relationship issue, you have to change by babysteps. This can't be overemphasized! Change is stressful, even when it's a change for the better. You won't succeed if you try to change to fast!
Same thing with the ex-wives. You can't make them include you in discussions with your husband. But they can't make you cooperate with their demands. You're certainly within your rights to say graciously, "I'm sorry, we're at supper right now. Please call back after eight", and hang up on them. Or to say to your husband "I don't have the energy to drive your children to ballet as you agreed with your ex-wife I would do" -- and then not do it. These are bigger changes, because they are confrontational -- but they are also self-respecting responses. You have a duty to model self-respect for your children. But, because these are hard situations, prepare yourself for them. Try only one strategy at a time, but be consistent on it for at least a month: for example, for the first month I will politely refuse any phone-calls that come in during the dinner hour. Practice the confrontation by role-playing it with a friend. Don't deviate from your script -- don't get hooked into an argument or fight, just repeat your script politely and hang up. Have a fall-back plan: if your husband yells at you for hanging up, read him a similar script and retreat to the mall or your study.
A good relationships counsellor can help you work through these strategies. They are not strategies that make you a "bad wife" or that will damage your marriage. In fact, making small changes that increase your sense of being valued and empowered in your marriage will improve your marriage. You will be more able to see where your husband needs support and where his needs are not being met, more able to provide the support he needs, when you are secure and happy.
