Kids and their questions...

[5kidsdad]

OK, I might need a little advice here. I had the 5 kids this weekend, and they have very interesting questions. I was just goofing with my middle child, and he asked me if I were ever going to get married again. I was taken back, and told him maybe, but that right now that he and the siblings were the most important people in my life, and that I had even more love to give to them now. Then he asked if I wanted to be divorced from mommy. I just replied that sometimes people just don't get along anymore, and it is better if they just don't live together anymore. Then the older one got into the act and asked about court. That one I just let go...I don't feel it is right to let them know all the particulars. They said that mommy and I are still related. Yes, we are still married I told them. They seemed surprised by that, questioning me. Then my middle son said that he had heard mommy talking on the phone with grandma about getting married again. Crazy woman...she needs to be careful what she allows the kids to hear. Anyway, in these scenarios, did any of you face these questions, and how did you handle them? I didn't feel that telling them that mommy was 'loose' and she was mental was a good thing.

Thanks, and God Bless,

5kd

 

[iambren]

Sounds to me like you handled that pretty well. Kids often are just trying to make sense of their world and are looking for reassurance that they'll be taken care of, will be loved and safe.

I've used the line "Sometimes we don't know how God will work things out" (which is true) and "Maybe I can explain it to you better when you're older" (which also is true). Good luck; you sound like a loving dad. They are lucky.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

It depends on the kids ages, but for some of these questions the best answer might be we can't really discuss this until you're older. I have a problem with the answer that sometimes people just don't get along. If we are teaching our children that marriage is forever and that is what God is expecting, this answer to me is saying that we don't always have to do what God is saying. Sometimes however it really is best if two people don't live together and the environment is toxic. But, the decision to divorce and make the separation permanent because one person doesn't want to try anymore is another story.

Hmmm. As for your answer to your child about wanting to marry again someday... you can still have plenty of love to go around if you remarried. Maybe even more time to spend with the kids with another set of hands helping at home. When I read it I was wondering if your child would remember these words and think they were no longer the priority if you decided to remarry. I know the spouse has to be the priority in marriage which is actually a benefit to the kids, but as a single parent with an ex who's been gone from the country for about 4 years, I can only think of a husband as being a huge plus for me and my kids. While a husband needs some of my undivided time, I can only think of the plusses it would bring for my kids.

My son is in high school and I know his youth group is talking about love, sex, marriage and divorce. He has never asked me the reason for my ex and I divorcing. My ex was verbally abusive to my son also so maybe my son has enough of an understanding that there were serious issues. I know we need to be careful about saying anything negative, but if the child was old enough I tend to think that there should be some understanding of how sin contributed to the divorce.

 

[FaithfulWife]

5kids~

I care about you man, like a brother, and your "older sis" in the Lord, I'm telling ya--you are missing some WONDERFUL opportunities handed to you on a platter to teach your children about the sanctity of marriage and what a covenant means!

In summary here are the questions your kids asked, and here's an example of some age appropriate replies (thinking they are 10 yo or so):

Are you ever going to get married again?
Sweetie, when I married your mommy I made a promise to her before God that as long as I was alive I would love her. I don't intend to break my promise to your mommy or to God. I don't know the future but right now, I'm working on keeping my promise.

This is going to teach kids that it's not just between you and her but also a vow to GOD and that is a vow you don't want to be breaking.

Do you want to be divorced from mommy?
No. Remember that promise I said? The promise was that as long as I was alive I would love your mommy and I'm still alive. So I don't want a divorce and I don't want our family split up, but I am really hurt and angry about some of the things your mom has done that have hurt us. That's something we would have to do a LOT of work on to fix, huh?

What's happening in court?
(I don't know who filed or what's being asked for, and I doubt that's what they want to know..) Well the laws in this state say that people can get divorced if they don't get along anymore, and the court doesn't even consider if one is behaving right or not. But I sure do! So I'm doing my best to make sure I will be in your life and you'll be taken care of, but also to make that our family--your brothers and sisters and me--are taken care of because we didn't break this all up. That's called Protecting the Family's Interests and as the daddy it's my job to make sure you are protected.

Are you and mommy still related?
Yes we are. I am mommy's husband still, and I still wish our family could be repaired! But to do that mommy's and daddy's don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. They just have each other and work on fixing stuff with each other and maybe get some help from the pastor. It would be really hard, but yep--I'm still mommy's husband and we are still very married.

See, 5kids, your kids are trying to figure out in their own little heads if what their mom is doing is alright. They already have little doubts about it or they wouldn't be asking you! And telling children the truth in love is never wrong. That doesn't mean telling them their mom is a harlot--it means saying things like, "Mommy's and Daddy's don't have boyfriends and girlfriends" and "Being married is a promise until I'm dead, and I'm not dead yet!" ... so the kids can figure out ON THEIR OWN that what their mom is doing is not cool. Otherwise they'll think it's fine to divorce when you don't get along anymore.

 

[5kidsdad]

It depends on the kids ages, but for some of these questions the best answer might be we can't really discuss this until you're older. I have a problem with the answer that sometimes people just don't get along. If we are teaching our children that marriage is forever and that is what God is expecting, this answer to me is saying that we don't always have to do what God is saying. Sometimes however it really is best if two people don't live together and the environment is toxic. But, the decision to divorce and make the separation permanent because one person doesn't want to try anymore is another story.

Hmmm. As for your answer to your child about wanting to marry again someday... you can still have plenty of love to go around if you remarried. Maybe even more time to spend with the kids with another set of hands helping at home. When I read it I was wondering if your child would remember these words and think they were no longer the priority if you decided to remarry. I know the spouse has to be the priority in marriage which is actually a benefit to the kids, but as a single parent with an ex who's been gone from the country for about 4 years, I can only think of a husband as being a huge plus for me and my kids. While a husband needs some of my undivided time, I can only think of the plusses it would bring for my kids.

My son is in high school and I know his youth group is talking about love, sex, marriage and divorce. He has never asked me the reason for my ex and I divorcing. My ex was verbally abusive to my son also so maybe my son has enough of an understanding that there were serious issues. I know we need to be careful about saying anything negative, but if the child was old enough I tend to think that there should be some understanding of how sin contributed to the divorce.

All under the 13 mark, youngest is 4. You know, I agree with you on the 'we just couldn't get along' remark. If it comes up again, I will say that we can talk about it when they get older. I am still trying to figure out how I will tell them what their mom did. I guess I have some time before that happens. The hardest thing about all of this is that the kids have to go through it at all. We seperated once before, and I worked on it, hard. I thought I had won her back. When she wanted to split this time, I was done, especially when I found out she had started seeing a guy before I left. I believe in second chances, but when confronted, and you deny, and only want to blame the other, then there is nothing to try and work out. I just wish I could flash ahead, and get the kids further in life, further away from the hurt and the mess. I know I can't, but wish I could. thanks for the good words of advice.

5kd

 

[5kidsdad]

5kids~

I care about you man, like a brother, and your "older sis" in the Lord, I'm telling ya--you are missing some WONDERFUL opportunities handed to you on a platter to teach your children about the sanctity of marriage and what a covenant means!

In summary here are the questions your kids asked, and here's an example of some age appropriate replies (thinking they are 10 yo or so):

Are you ever going to get married again?
Sweetie, when I married your mommy I made a promise to her before God that as long as I was alive I would love her. I don't intend to break my promise to your mommy or to God. I don't know the future but right now, I'm working on keeping my promise.

This is going to teach kids that it's not just between you and her but also a vow to GOD and that is a vow you don't want to be breaking.

Do you want to be divorced from mommy?
No. Remember that promise I said? The promise was that as long as I was alive I would love your mommy and I'm still alive. So I don't want a divorce and I don't want our family split up, but I am really hurt and angry about some of the things your mom has done that have hurt us. That's something we would have to do a LOT of work on to fix, huh?

What's happening in court?
(I don't know who filed or what's being asked for, and I doubt that's what they want to know..) Well the laws in this state say that people can get divorced if they don't get along anymore, and the court doesn't even consider if one is behaving right or not. But I sure do! So I'm doing my best to make sure I will be in your life and you'll be taken care of, but also to make that our family--your brothers and sisters and me--are taken care of because we didn't break this all up. That's called Protecting the Family's Interests and as the daddy it's my job to make sure you are protected.

Are you and mommy still related?
Yes we are. I am mommy's husband still, and I still wish our family could be repaired! But to do that mommy's and daddy's don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. They just have each other and work on fixing stuff with each other and maybe get some help from the pastor. It would be really hard, but yep--I'm still mommy's husband and we are still very married.

See, 5kids, your kids are trying to figure out in their own little heads if what their mom is doing is alright. They already have little doubts about it or they wouldn't be asking you! And telling children the truth in love is never wrong. That doesn't mean telling them their mom is a harlot--it means saying things like, "Mommy's and Daddy's don't have boyfriends and girlfriends" and "Being married is a promise until I'm dead, and I'm not dead yet!" ... so the kids can figure out ON THEIR OWN that what their mom is doing is not cool. Otherwise they'll think it's fine to divorce when you don't get along anymore.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. When my middle one said that he heard mommy talking to grandma about getting remarried, it hacked me off. I don't want to even think of saying anything like that where they might hear it.
I left, after being told I was an awful person, and there was a lot of conflict between us. there was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse as well. This had been deteriorating for years, and after being told that I had to leave, or she was leaving, and holding my family over my head for years as the reason I was such a bad person, I had to go. She had me convinced that I was something I was not, evil. I found out she was messing around after I left. I had noticed the last 6 months was really getting bad. I am seeking no less than shared, especially since they all stay with grandma about 3 nights per week, and she only has them about 8 to 10 nights a month (I get them 4 to 5.) That's the condensed version.

Thanks for the advice...I really appreciate it.

5kd

 

[DZoolander]

The only problem that I have with FaithfulWife's advice (and normally I think her advice rocks) - is that if it were *me* - I don't know how honest those answers would be. Those answers leave the door open for possible reconciliation - which if it were me in that situation - I would definitely never be open to. For me - once you've trashed the sanctity of the marriage (i.e. infidelity) - it couldn't be repaired.

So - I would have problems with the language and the impression that it conveys.

But that's just me. I suppose the question would be - is that you as well? Would there be the possibility of reconciliation - or has she so damaged the relationship that "fixing it" would be out of the question? How to speak to your children is contingent upon that answer.

I wouldn't be able to say that - because if I had already decided that the relationship was irretrievable - then it would be dishonest to leave the children with the impression that "daddy believes this - but mommy is preventing it with her behavior". It would be a dishonest wedge created by me knowing full well that the children in their innocence and lack of understanding want us back together. If that's not in the cards - it would be wrong for me to leave the children thinking that "daddy wants what you want - but mommy doesn't".

...daddy doesn't want what they want either.

Given that scenario - how I would answer would be like this...

Are you ever going to get married again?
Most likely, yes.

Do you want to be divorced from mommy?
Now I do, yes. I didn't want that at the start, however. But sometimes in life you don't get what you want.

Be careful how *you* treat people. There are no guarantees in life - and take no-one that you love for granted. If you want to keep them - always treat them well - because if you become selfish - they will want to leave you.

...just like I "want" to leave mommy.

What's happening in court?
Only two things are happening in court. They're deciding how our property is to be divided, and how much time each of us gets to spend with you. That's all that the court is interested in.

Are you and mommy still related?
No, we're not. We have a connection through our love for you - but we are no longer related.

...

When I look at my answers - they don't seem as "nice" as FW's...but (at least how I would be feeling) they would at least be honest. I wouldn't want to be leaving that door open (if I weren't feeling that way) - nor to unfairly lob the ball in her court via our children's feelings/desires.

I also want my children to understand that divorce is a definite possibilty. I don't want them to think it's because "marriage is disposable" - but rather because I believe in consequences. I want my wife to feel she can/should leave me if I become a dirtbag. Knowing that there's a true and real consequence (loss) if I become a dirtbag makes our continued marriage all the more meaningful. I *want* to continually earn the right to have her as my wife - through loving action. I don't want to take it for granted.

...and I want my kids to see things the same way...ya know?

 

[Million Pieces]

I don't have very long, but I want to address a couple of things. First of all -

For me - once you've trashed the sanctity of the marriage (i.e. infidelity) - it couldn't be repaired.

I guess Blackjeans and I are the blessed exception. We ARE being repaired, after grave infidelity. He USED to be an adulterer, NOW he's a loyal and faithful husband, who loves his wife sacrificially.

So - I would have problems with the language and the impression that it conveys.

But that's just me. I suppose the question would be - is that you as well? Would there be the possibility of reconciliation - or has she so damaged the relationship that "fixing it" would be out of the question? How to speak to your children is contingent upon that answer.

I wouldn't be able to say that - because if I had already decided that the relationship was irretrievable - then it would be dishonest to leave the children with the impression that "daddy believes this - but mommy is preventing it with her behavior". It would be a dishonest wedge created by me knowing full well that the children in their innocence and lack of understanding want us back together. If that's not in the cards - it would be wrong for me to leave the children thinking that "daddy wants what you want - but mommy doesn't".

...daddy doesn't want what they want either.

Given that scenario - how I would answer would be like this...

Are you ever going to get married again?
Most likely, yes.

Do you want to be divorced from mommy?
Now I do, yes. I didn't want that at the start, however. But sometimes in life you don't get what you want.

Be careful how *you* treat people. There are no guarantees in life - and take no-one that you love for granted. If you want to keep them - always treat them well - because if you become selfish - they will want to leave you.

...just like I "want" to leave mommy.

What's happening in court?
Only two things are happening in court. They're deciding how our property is to be divided, and how much time each of us gets to spend with you. That's all that the court is interested in.

Are you and mommy still related?
No, we're not. We have a connection through our love for you - but we are no longer related.

...

When I look at my answers - they don't seem as "nice" as FW's...but (at least how I would be feeling) they would at least be honest. I wouldn't want to be leaving that door open (if I weren't feeling that way) - nor to unfairly lob the ball in her court via our children's feelings/desires.

I also want my children to understand that divorce is a definite possibilty. I don't want them to think it's because "marriage is disposable" - but rather because I believe in consequences. I want my wife to feel she can/should leave me if I become a dirtbag. Knowing that there's a true and real consequence (loss) if I become a dirtbag makes our continued marriage all the more meaningful. I *want* to continually earn the right to have her as my wife - through loving action. I don't want to take it for granted.

...and I want my kids to see things the same way...ya know?

Now with these, I will agree with you in that FW's reply left a lot of possibility for reconciliation, which does not seem to be realistic in this case. However, I would not advise for him to trash their mother in ANY way in his answers to them. FW, I would also never use phrases such as "Mommy's and daddy's don't have girlfriends and boyfriends", that's a very pointed statement against their mother, which is not necessary. The youngest ones may or may not even know the nature of the mother's new relationship, and to plant something there that might not exist is not helpful to honouring their mother.

Unfortunate thing is, I don't think there ever is a right or wrong way to answer these things.

Sorry I can't spend more time and thought into addressing these, I gotta scoot to work, but I suppose all we can offer is the power of prayer. It starts to sound like a "pat answer" among Christians, but it's just the best reminder where our greatest Source of wisdom and guidance can be found.

 

[DZoolander]

I guess Blackjeans and I are the blessed exception. We ARE being repaired, after grave infidelity. He USED to be an adulterer, NOW he's a loyal and faithful husband, who loves his wife sacrificially.

That's great! I just wouldn't be able to do that (knowing myself) - nor would I expect anyone to do that for me.

 

[ido]

OK, I might need a little advice here. I had the 5 kids this weekend, and they have very interesting questions. I was just goofing with my middle child, and he asked me if I were ever going to get married again.

I don't know - it's probably the most realistic/honest answer you can give them. It's what I tell my older son when he asks.

Then he asked if I wanted to be divorced from mommy. I just replied that sometimes people just don't get along anymore, and it is better if they just don't live together anymore.

This is what I tell my older son (younger one doesn't ask questions) - and I also make sure to remind him that, despite Mommy and Daddy not getting along or loving each other anymore, that we both love him and his brothers (they have an older brother from my ex's first marriage) very much and nothing will ever change that.

Then the older one got into the act and asked about court.

I think it's perfectly fine to tell them that what happens in court is private between Mommy and Daddy - but that you will make sure they know about anything that will change in their lives.

They said that mommy and I are still related. Yes, we are still married I told them. They seemed surprised by that, questioning me. Then my middle son said that he had heard mommy talking on the phone with grandma about getting married again.

Apologize and tell him that you don't know what his mom's intentions are and that he'll have to ask her. It's not our place to speculate on behalf of our (stb)ex-spouses. But, our kids deserve answers - from the respective parents.



You know - if they ask something you are not immediately prepared to answer, it's OK to tell them that you're not really sure how to answer that and that you'll get back to them after you've had some time to think about it...then make sure you get back to them in a short amount of time with a prepared, neutral response.

They will appreciate your honesty and openness with them - specifically if you manage to remain neutral and only respond for yourself and your actions, and not their mom/her actions.

 

[5kidsdad]

Can I just say that you all ROCK?!? Thank you for the advice. It is tough, being an away dad to kids who have an away mom now for the most part. I accidentally stumbled across her profile on another CHristian based website, and saw she was listing herself as single, and had joined the singles group. Talk about sheer guts, cajones, whatever. Until I am legally separated, divorced, etc, as a Christian, I cannot list myself as anything but married, and cannot join any singles groups. This leads to part of why I told the kids that we are still married...she has a delusion about who, what and where she is, and what she has done. I know, God sees all, and He will deal with her in time. You cannot, as a Christian, continually transgress the Word, and get away with it. Eventually, God will not allow Himself to be made a fool of. Look at how far Israel fell when they turned their back on God. I have heard so many times the correlation between spouses cheating, and God's relationship with Israel. I just keep praying for God to work, and thanking Him for what I do have, a family that loves me, has given me a place to live, I do eat, I have transportation, and a job. And even this storm that I face has drawn me closer to God than I have been in years...so I thank Him for that. The absolute trust and faith that I have in Him to be with me through all I face.

God bless,

5kd

 

[ido]

Can I just say that you all ROCK?!? Thank you for the advice. It is tough, being an away dad to kids who have an away mom now for the most part. I accidentally stumbled across her profile on another CHristian based website, and saw she was listing herself as single, and had joined the singles group. Talk about sheer guts, cajones, whatever. Until I am legally separated, divorced, etc, as a Christian, I cannot list myself as anything but married, and cannot join any singles groups. This leads to part of why I told the kids that we are still married...she has a delusion about who, what and where she is, and what she has done. I know, God sees all, and He will deal with her in time. You cannot, as a Christian, continually transgress the Word, and get away with it. Eventually, God will not allow Himself to be made a fool of. Look at how far Israel fell when they turned their back on God. I have heard so many times the correlation between spouses cheating, and God's relationship with Israel. I just keep praying for God to work, and thanking Him for what I do have, a family that loves me, has given me a place to live, I do eat, I have transportation, and a job. And even this storm that I face has drawn me closer to God than I have been in years...so I thank Him for that. The absolute trust and faith that I have in Him to be with me through all I face.

God bless,

5kd