Kaitlin Keller's Secret Weblog

[ZiSunka]

Kaitlin Keller's Secrect Weblog

August 18th

My name is Kaitlin Mercy Keller and this is my secret weblog. It's a secret because my mom would freak if she found out I was keeping an internet diary. She's afraid some creep might read it and find me and kidnap me, so I've got to be careful she doesn't find out about this.

I shouldn't tell you where I live or anything, because that would be dangerous, but I'll tell you what street I live on but not what city, so you won't be able to find me. I live at 218375 Cooper's Mill Lane. Not that there was ever a Cooper's Mill on Cooper's Mill Lane, it's just a name that some developer picked out for this street because he thought it was cool. The streets next to ours are Johnson Farm Drive and Slate School Road. But no one named Johnson had a farm here and there was never a slate school. The streets were named so they would sound comforting and historic, according to my mom. The people who built the houses here wanted to make the neighborhood sound historic and quaint so people would pay more money for them. I guess it worked because my mom bought the house three years ago. It was built for us. Outside it's like a big mansion, only smaller, and inside it's like a big room divided up into smaller spaces that can all be seen from each other. At least downstairs is like that. Upstairs, there are five bedrooms and four bathrooms. Mom's room is the best. It has a huge closet and a deck outside. On the deck she has a spa and sometimes at night we all go out and play in the spa.

There are four people in my family. Maybe five, I guess.

I have an older sister Ashley. She's fourteen and she goes to high school. I'm 12 and I go to Lakeview Middle School. my brother Noah is 3 and he goes to Little Owl day care center while mom is at work. She drops him off at 7 in the morning and picks him up at 6 at night. She laughs and says she is paying someone to raise him. By the time he gets home, it is nearly his bedtime, so Ashley and I hardly ever get to do much with him. We have homework and housework until about 9 o'clock and then we get to watch TV for a couple hours before bedtime. Once a month or so, mom gets us all together for dinner, usually on a Saturday and she orders pizza, which is a nice change from the microwave dinners we usually have. Ashley says she is so fat because of the microwave meals we eat all the time. I think she's so fat because she sits around playing with her Blackberry all the time. Not that I'm so thin, either. I could tand to lose about 20 pounds. Ashley could lose about 30. Only mom stays thin.

Even Noah is a little chubby for his age. At preschool, they sit and watch videos all the time. They have playtime three times a day, but Noah mostly stays inside playing PS games. I don't remember ever seeing Noah play outside. Ever. But Ashley and I don't really go outside much either. Ashley has a bike, an expenisve one she got from Grandma and her husband for her birthday two years ago. But she never rides it. She rode it while Grandma and Mark were here that day, but it just hangs from a hook in the garage now. I don't have a bike and I never had one. Ashley won't let me ride hers. I have rollerblades, but they're too small for me now. I asked mom for a bike and she said we would go shopping for one, but we never went. She's awfully busy. Especially since she met Heather, her partner. Lots of times after Noah, Ashley and I are in bed, she goes out with Heather for a couple hours. She says Ashley is old enough to babysit us now so it's okay. She says she is very happy with Heather and that we should be happy for her. She says Heather might come to live with us and be another mommy to us.

We used to have a daddy and only one mommy. Noah doesn't remember because mommy and daddy divorced when I was four. We saw daddy a few times after that, but we haven't seen him in about six years. Even when he did come to see us, he only stayed a half hour or so and only once a year or so. Grandma Keller comes to see us two or three times a year. She comes for my birthday and Ashley's birthday, but not Noah's, because Noah isn't her grandson. Mom had Noah after she and daddy divorced. Noah's daddy was a man named Matthew Bradley, so Noah's last name is Bradley.

Mom didn't marry Matthew. Ashley didn't like him, but I did because he lived with us and it was like having a daddy in the house again. I hardly remember doing things with my daddy, but I remember doing things with Matthew. He played games with us when he got home from work, and he helped us with our homework and cooked dinner for us. Real dinner, not microwave dinners. He even made fish taste good. I think Ashley didn't like him because she remembers daddy and Mathhew was better to us than our daddy ever was.

Daddy was at work all the time. He did something for a corporation that he started and he worked all the time, even Saturdays and Sundays. Matthew was a teacher and he had weekends off and summers, too, so he had time to be with us. Daddy lives in another state now, but Matthew lives three blocks away. He bought a house close so he could be with Noah all the time. He gets mad that mom puts Noah in day care and leaves him there all day, but she doesn't listen to him. She has her own job to go to and she couldn't take care of Noah all day. Matthew tried to take Noah to live at his house, but mom didn't let him. Noah lives with Matthew on the weekends and during summer and winter holidays. Sometimes I walk to Matthew's house after school. I just want to be with Matthew. He's fine with me being there. He asked me if mom knows I am there, and I always say yes, but I don't tell mom I'm going to be there. For one thing, she wouldn't care. And for another, she might get mad or jealous or something. I'd rather live at Matthew's house, but I don't know how to tell mom that. Especially if Heather moves in.

I don't like Heather. She doesn't like me or Noah. She likes Ashley. Ashley is close to her age and they are always talking about things. Like clothes and books and lighthouses and things. Mom and Heather are talking about going on vacation to look at lighthouses. They said we couldn't come. Ashley is supposed to stay home with us and watch us. But Ashley says if mom and Heather go away, she's going to let her boyfriend come and live with us while they are gone. She told me not to tell. She said she would tell mom who broke the art glass lamp in the family room. Mom was very upset that the lamp got broken. She said words that I don't like. If she ever found out who did it, she will kill me. So I won't tell her that Ethan is coming to stay over night.

Sometimes Ashley sneaks out after mom goes out with Heather and goes to meet Ethan. She comes home just before mom and gets into her pajamas and gets into bed and pretends she's been there all along. Mom has no idea what Ashley does. But I've been taking pictures with the digital camera. Someday, Ashley's going to do something to me, like be mean, and I'm going to give those pictures to mom. I sometimes think about what mom will do. She'll get mad and send Ashley away. Or she'll stop seeing Heather and bring Matthew back to live with us. Either way, the house will be at peace.

 

[ZiSunka]

August 19th

Tabitha! That's my sister's middle name. I like to tease her by calling her Tabitha in a kind of whiny voice. I put my nose up in the air and plug if with my fingers and whine Taaabithaaaa! Ashley gets mad and hits me. Sometimes I call her Ashley Ashy Head. Sometimes I just call her Ashy Pants. Sometimes I'm so obnoxious that it even bugs me. I just like being in her face making her mad. At least she notices me when I'm calling her names.

I wish I got to spend more time with Noah. I don't really know anything about him. Like today is his birthday and I didn't get him a present. Partly because I don't know what to get him and partly because no one would take me to the mall and partly because nobody else was doing anything for his birthday. Grandma Keller doesn't do anything for his birthday, of course. Mom's mom, Grandma Beecher, doesn't see us very often. She lives 200 miles away. Sometimes she sends a card for our birthdays, but she doesn't send a gift or anything. She puts money in the card, but that's not the same as her going out to buy us something we'd like and wrapping it and sending it to us. Noah's card came three days ago, like she forgot when his birthday is.

Matthew wanted to take Noah to his house overnight for his birthday and have a party with his family and friends. But mom said no because Noah should be with his sisters on his birthday. But we won't see him until at least 7 tonight and mom might not even have time to get a cake or anything. I wish mom had let Noah go to Matthew's because maybe I would have been able to go, too. Then we could have had real food and cake. Mom said we should order pizza tonight, but she forgot to leave money or her credit card so we can't do anything until she gets here and then she'll be too hungry to wait for the pizza so we'll have microwave dinners again. :-(

At school, we have our choice of lunches. We can get fast food at the restaurant in the cafeteria, or we can eat the school lunch. The school lunch has salads and meat and potatoes, mashed or baked, not fries. Sometimes they have rice and beans, which I really, really like. I'd eat rice and beans every day if I could. The school lunch doesn't come super-sized and you can't get soda with it. I really want to lose weight, so I'm going to try school lunch all next week. I think I can lose all 20 pounds in two weeks.

Mom and Heather are leaving for their vacation the first Sunday in September. I think they'll either move in together after that, or break up. Mom let Matthew move in after they went to the Islands together. But she broke up with Greg after they came home from skiing in Colorado. She never dated a woman before, so I don't really know what to expect. I'm kind of uncomfortable with mom dating a woman, but I don't know why. Catlyn Schneider, my best friend, says it's cool that mom's dating Heather, but I don't feel good about it at all. It's like it's wrong or something. I know it shouldn't matter that Heather is a woman, but, it makes me feel...ashamed I guess. I don't know why. I wish mom would let Matthew move back in.

August 23rd

What if mom marries Heather? I asked Ashley what would happen if mom marries Heather. She said it would be really cool. But she said that because she likes Heather and Heather likes her. I asked Ashley if we would have to call Heather "mom" and she said she would like to call Heather "mom." She likes Heather better than she likes mom.

Ashley snuck out with Ethan again last night. She didn't come home until 2 AM. But mom didn't come home from Heather's until almost 6. She had just enough time to get ready for work and take Noah to day care.

When Ashley came home, she was acting funny. I don't know what she was doing all night, but she was upset when she came home. I saw her crying in the hall. I asked her if she was okay, and she screeched at me, "Go back to bed!" I closed my door and laid down on the bed, but I couldn't sleep. That's how I know what time mom came home.

I don't want to live with Heather and I don't want to call her mom. She doesn't like me. If she and mom get married, I'm going to ask if I can live at Matthew's house.

August 30th

I saw mom and Ashley talking when I came down for breakfast this morning. Ashley was upset again. She was trying not to cry. Mom saw me and said, "We can discuss this more later Ashley." I'm a little scared. I think they were talking about me because they stopped talking as soon as they saw me.

I haven't lost any weight. All my friends eat at the fast food place and I hate to be the only one eating salad. They said I was trying to be like a model and that models are unhealthy. They made yummy noises while they ate their fries and cheeseburgers so that I would feel bad. So now I just get fries and a cheeseburger every day again.

In social studies, we are studying about different religions and how they make people do things. Like we are studying about how some Jews don't eat certain foods while others are more enlightened and they eat everything. Some Jews don't even cut the hair on the sides of their faces because they think their god doesn't want them to. How weird, huh?

We talked about how some Christians think they understand the Bible and say that somethings are right and wrong for everybody because their god says so. Like they don't think men should date men and women shouldn't date women. Some Jews think that, too. But some Christians think it's okay for men to date men and women to date women. I know I would be a lot happier if mom couldn't date Heather anymore. When she's around, mom ignores us. She acts like we don't matter as much as Heather does. Mom kind of hinted that Heather might come live with us. I thought Ashley would be happy, but she didn't say anything at all.

Mom wants us to like Heather so she's going to have her come over to eat dinner with us tonight. I'm okay with it because mom's buying a roasted chicken and mashed potatoes and macaroni salad and salad. This morning I saw milk in the fridge, and I wanted to have some, but mom said it was for dinner tonight. She told me to have an orange soda instead. I'm getting tired of microwave pastry and orange soda for breakfast, but maybe if Heather moves in, we'll have milk all the time.

September 1st

Mom and Heather are leaving for vacation on Tuesday morning. I asked mom if I could live at Matthew's house and she said, "Don't ruin my happy mood Kaitlin. I'm in a good mood and you don't want to ruin that." I guess that means no.

I snuck down to Matthew's last night. But I didn't ring the door bell because I could see a woman in his kitchen. She was cooking and they were laughing and he hugged her. Noah was there because he is going to stay at Matthew's while mom is away. He hugged the woman and smiled at her, too. He even sat on her lap and kissed her cheek. They looked very happy. And that mad me feel sad. Noah is going to have a mommy and daddy again. And all I'm going to have is two mommies. I want to have a daddy so bad it hurts.

I tried to call my daddy when I got home, but the woman who answered the phone said that his phone number was her phone number now and she didn't know where daddy moved to or what his new number is.

I asked mom if I could call daddy, and she said to go ahead, but when I told her I didn't know his new number, she said he didn't tell her he was moving. She said she might have his new address on her child-support statement, but she didn't. She said she always knew he was no good. She said a man who would move without telling his children was no good. She said a woman would never neglect her children that way. I want to ask her if she loves Heather now, but I am afraid she will say yes.

September 7th

Why is my life so screwed up???

Mom is gone. Ashley went to Ethan's house. I'm home alone.

I want to go Matthew's house or Catlyn's. Mom said not to tell anyone we are home alone, though. She'll be mad if I go somewhere else. The house is so quiet and empty. I wish Matthew would call to see if I'm okay.

I don't want to write anymore.

September 12th

Mom and Heather are home. They came home two days early. Mom hasn't gone out to see Heather, so I guess they broke up. I'm happy, but I'm sad because mom is so sad. She doesn't talk to us at all now. She just goes through our day saying only what needs to be said.

When she broke up with Matthew, she did a lot of yelling. She was angry with him because she didn't think he was ambitious enough. He was fine with being a teacher but mom wanted him to earn more money. He got tired of her yelling all the time and he walked out of the house and slammed the door. Mom's antique Chinese picture fell off the wall and broke. He stayed away that night and the next. When he came home, his key didn't work in the lock anymore. He couldn't open any of the doors. He knocked and called for mom to open the door, but we had to sit in the breakfast nook and just listen. She wouldn't let any of us let him in. Noah cried because he could hear his daddy calling for him but mom wouldn't set him down so he could go to the door. That was last year.

Mom didn't see anyone again until Heather. They met at some kind of meeting that mom went to. She said she and Heather clicked just like that and pretty soon she realized that they had to be more than friends. They were seeing each other for two months. Now she's sad. I wonder what happened. I should be happy because I didn't like Heather, but Ashley is very angry and mom is sad.

 

[ZiSunka]

September 15th

Heather called mom and they are getting back together. But mom doesn't want Heather to move in after all. She thinks it would be too much right now. I'm not sure what she means. She's still sad. I thoght getting back with Heather would make the sadness go away, but it didn't.

Ashley is a mess, too. She's unhappy and stays in her room all the time. She didn't even go to school for two days. I asked mom if Ashley is sick and she said not really sick. Just tried. I don't understand how she can be so tired that she has to sleep for two days. What made her so tired? Being 12 sucks because no one ever tells a 12 year old anything. I know something is wrong, but no one will tell me what.

September 20th

Mom's not going to see Heather at all anymore. She said Heather could take the news about Ashley and just walked out and said she didn't want to be tied down to someone with so many troubles.

I asked mom what's the news about Ashley, but mom said we'd talk about it later. I'm really scared. I don't like Ashley, but I don't want her to be sick. What if she has like, cancer or something? What's going to happen to us?

September 30th

Mom finally told me that Ashley definitely isn't sick, but she won't tell me what's going on. Ashley isn't seeing Ethan anymore. He must not like her since she got all depressed. I lay awake at night trying to her Ashley sneak away to see him, but she doesn't. She doesn't make a sound.

I told mom at breakfast that there are medicines to make Ashley less depressed. Mom said medicine won't help what ails her.

Matthew came around to see mom. Maybe they'll get back together so they can help Ashley.

But when Matthew left, mom seemed more depressed than ever. Something is very wrong. Mom cried.

October 9th

Mom told me that Ashley isn't sick she's pregnant. Heather left her because she can't stand babies and just having Noah around was already too much for her. She couldn't stand to be around a baby, too.

Matthew isn't coming back, he asked mom for custody of Noah, and mom said he could have him. Noah is going to live with Matthew all the time. We can see him every other weekend.

Matthew is getting married, too. His fiancee is named Susan and she is a teacher, too. She loves Noah and is willing to take a leave from teaching until Noah is in school, unless they have a baby in the meantime, which Matthew is hoping they will. Then she will stay home all the time to raise the children. No more day care for Noah.

October 15th

Mom is thinking of sending Ashley away until she has the baby. Ashley will be 15 when the baby is born and mom says that she can't live here while she's pregnant because it will ruin mom's reputation in the community. She's always doing a lot of good deeds for others and she's on all kinds of committees and if Ashley stays here, everyone will know mom is a terrible mother.

She's very angry at Ashley for wrecking her life. She wants Ashley to have an abortion, but Ashley said she'd rather go away and give the baby up for adoption. Mom said okay, but she warned her that her body better not be ruined because she was going to have to find a husband and no man wants a woman who already had a baby. Since Ashley is fat, the baby won't show right away and mom thinks Ashley won't have to be away more than three months. She seriously warned me that no one is ever to know that Ashley is having a baby.

Ethan's parents called and said they want no part of Ashley or the baby. They think Ashley got pregnant on purpose to ruin Ethan's life. They want Ashley to have an abortion, too. Ashley and Ethan met at Big Burger to talk, but Ethan would only say that he thinks an abortion is the only practical solution. He said he's going to Princeton or Yale next fall and he isn't going to let Ashley ruin his life. Everyone is worried about ruining their own life. But isn't the baby a life, too?

I feel really sick and confused.

October 21st

Ashley just came home from the abortion clinic. She had her examination today and she goes back tomorrow for the abortion. They want to do a new procedure on her that his supposedly best for young girls like her.

Mom has started humming again. She seems happier, but I feel like crying all the time. Ashley says she just wants to get it over with because she feels sick to her stomach. She says she doesn't know if it is just morning sickness from the baby or if it is because she feels so stressed out. She's tired of being sick, at any rate.

October 22nd

Ashley came home from the clinic again. She's pale and weak. She's crying. She looks awful, much worse than before.

Mom told her she can cry for three days, then she has to get back to normal. And she has to lose weight. People can't know she was pregnant, they have to think she is sick with some illness that causes nausea and vomiting. Mom says if she loses 10 or 20 pounds, people will believe it.

I didn't tell them that Ethan is going around telling people that Ashley is a harlot and she is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. I told them, "She is not pregnant!" It's not really a lie because she isn't pregnant anymore.

We are all in so much pain, I wonder if those Christians and Jews are right when they say that some kinds of sex are just wrong. I wonder if we would be happier if daddy stayed and mom never dated Matthew or Heather and Ashley had never gotten pregnant and Ethan didn't have so many bad things to say about her.

I miss Noah so much it hurts. I don't think I will ever see him again because now Matthew doesn't have a reason to come here at all. Mom never takes her visitation with Noah because she is so busy. Matthew doesn't even call anymore to tell her how he's doing or to ask her to come see him. He did call to say they are moving across town so they can be nearer to the school where Matthew works. It would take an hour to walk there or 45 minutes by bus, even if mom would give me money to ride the bus over to see him.

When I grow up, I hope my life isn't this screwed up.