Justifying Help

[SolaceGarden]

I'm just wondering if there is an typical age range for the onset of OCD. I have been suffering from disturbing and unwanted thoughts for years now as well as an intense fear that I will hurt people. It has robbed me of my twenties and as i'm approaching 30, the fear that this will rob me of any chance at a life with someone, or just a life of contentedness has pushed me to consider OCD as the possible diagnosis. As I've been wracked with the guilt of ever having conceived of these things I try to argue with myself over the truth of them. This is the first time in my life that I've actually considered that your feelings can betray you to extent such as this. Sometimes it just seems easier to wish that you were declared crazy just so you would have something definitive to point the finger at.

I've tried to think myself out of this affliction but it just ends up going in circles. I've held off for so long on seeking help because: a) I don't want it to be true, b) I desperately hope it's true, c) I'm scared about the ramifications of it being true, d) I don't want to shame my family with this and I'm not even sure they would put much stock in it as a valid condition. I can't bring myself to fully believe that what I'm thinking/feeling is not the truth -- that I'm a horrible person who deserves to be alone and unable to approach God because of my "sins". I can't bring myself to believe that I'm not trying to take an easy out by looking for a 'condition' to suit me because if you knew my personality/habits, the easy way out would be in line with how I've carried out my life thus far.

That's all I'll say for now. But I do have one further question: What 'professional' should I be seeking to help me investigate this further?

SG

 

[seajoy]

There is no shame in having an illness. It really sounds like you have OCD. The cool thing is that there is help for this illness. Doing the therapy works. It's hard....but it works. There is no reason for someone with OCD to suffer any longer in this day and age. There is medication and therapy.

Please see a psychiatrist. I am able to live a normal life now because of God using my doctor to help me. If you don't get help, you will continue in the circle of obsessions. There is no need to keep on suffering. But you must be willing to do what the doctor says. When he/she says not to reassure yourself, you must follow this advice. Reassurance is the enemy of the OCD'er. It makes the circle of OCD continue. I see it here all the time - and it upsets me greatly, as it harms the OCD'er.

By the way - I was the queen of wanting reassurance, so I know of what I speak.

There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of having an illness. The chemicals in our brains just don't work quite right. But like I said....there is much help, and it works if you follow it. I was hospitalized many times with severe depression over my thoughts - then I was diagnosed and my life changed. Give yourself a Christmas gift and get help.

God bless and keep you.

 

[TotallyDependingOnJesus]

Definitely seek help. I don't know what I would do without my doctors. I probably wouldn't be functioning at all, as my OCD got so bad I just wanted Jesus to take me home. I hate having to live with OCD, but I don't have a choice, so I am learning that I have to learn how to deal with it (which therapists are showing me how to do) or go back to being closed up in my room. My therapist is good about talking about my OCD with my family (with my permission) to help them understand and know how to help me.

RuthD - how do you deal with no reassurance? I have a terrible time of reassurring myself that I am not a bad person and wouldn't do the things my OCD is saying. My therapist tells me not to reassure myself, but if I don't reassure myself then I feel like I am saying that I am just that bad person my OCD says I am. Does that make sense? I am constantly told not to reassure myself, but I have such a hard time just labeling things OCD and dismissing them, because there is always that "what if it's true..." that comes into my mind and I can't let it go. It makes me want to confess things that I would never do, just to make sure that I have confessed everything before God, in an off-chance one of my "what-ifs" could be true. I don't know if I explained this well, it's all just so confusing.

 

[SolaceGarden]

... but if I don't reassure myself then I feel like I am saying that I am just that bad person my OCD says I am. Does that make sense? I am constantly told not to reassure myself, but I have such a hard time just labeling things OCD and dismissing them, because there is always that "what if it's true..." that comes into my mind and I can't let it go. It makes me want to confess things that I would never do, just to make sure that I have confessed everything before God, in an off-chance one of my "what-ifs" could be true. I don't know if I explained this well, it's all just so confusing.

This is EXACTLY how I feel TDOJ. I feel like I AM that person and I'm just trying to escape responsibility. Having never TRULY commited to following Christ in the fullest sense of the word, I find this a REAL stumbling block to even being able to approach Him and have Him work in me or through me. It's like I don't deserve a chance at CHANGE. And I KNOW being holed up in my room is not the answer, but it has been the only way I feel safe and the only way I can ensure the safety of others. I just sit and think how could this happen? I'm from a loving family and I've had all the opportunities in the world. How did this just come out of left field?

There are ways in which I'm not as bad as I've been. I used to hole up in my room when family came to visit and I don't do that anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it. I mean do OCD sufferers even act like that? It's like sometimes I don't want people to know I'm dealing with anything, so even though it's killing me inside I'll make concessions where I try and interact even though it's messing with my head and even though I know I'll pay for it later. Does anyone else do this? It's not so much that you're 'overcoming' your OCD as much as your 'covering over' it. Make sense?

 

[seajoy]

RuthD - how do you deal with no reassurance? I have a terrible time of reassurring myself that I am not a bad person and wouldn't do the things my OCD is saying. My therapist tells me not to reassure myself, but if I don't reassure myself then I feel like I am saying that I am just that bad person my OCD says I am. Does that make sense? I am constantly told not to reassure myself, but I have such a hard time just labeling things OCD and dismissing them, because there is always that "what if it's true..." that comes into my mind and I can't let it go. It makes me want to confess things that I would never do, just to make sure that I have confessed everything before God, in an off-chance one of my "what-ifs" could be true. I don't know if I explained this well, it's all just so confusing.

I'm not sure if you are asking me or RuthD - but if you stop reassuring yourself, your OCD will start to go away. Do what your therapist says. It works. Stop the "what-ifs". They are all lies. When the bad thoughts come - just go on with your day. And don't look back. Keep going forward. Do this every time you have the thoughts. And I mean every time. I rarely think of these things anymore and they used to consume me. Your therapist is right. They know way more than we do about ocd....it's best to do everything they say.

 

[TotallyDependingOnJesus]

Yes, Seajoy, i did mean you. Thank you for your response. This is the hardest for me to do with the harm thoughts I have. My OCD makes me believe, "maybe it's true." Then I feel like I have to go through everything in my mind a hundred times to make sure it's not true. I'm afraid that if I am wrong, I just dismiss it, and it's not OCD, then I haven't asked Jesus to forgive me for it. I'm afraid of having unconfessed sin, because I thought it was OCD. You are right though, I need to just dismiss all the thoughts. My therapist and my husband repeatedly tell me this. I think my greatest fear is that God will hold this against me if it's not OCD for some reason. Which really isn't a valid fear, when I really think about it, because Jesus died for all of my sins, even when I don't mention all of them.

 

[TotallyDependingOnJesus]

SolaceGarden - come to Christ just as you are. He accepts you just as you are. Tell Him your worries and fears. Do not let OCD keep you from approaching Him. If you believe in Jesus as your Savior, God's word says that we can approach Him with confidence. This is something I have to remind myself of all the time, because I get caught up in what my mind is telling me instead of focusing on what Christ did for me.

I understand your fears. I have harm thoughts also, and the OCD tries to tell you that they are so real and that you are your thoughts. But you are not your thoughts. My OCD thoughts got so bad that I was afraid to take care of my own kids. I just kept to my room and had my family help with the kids. Through therapy, I have gotten to the point that I can take care of them again and am working on facing OCD head on. So I understand how you feel. Don't let the OCD define who you think you are. Unfortunately, the only way to deal with the OCD is to face your fears head on and an ERP/CBT type therapist should help you do this.

 

[seajoy]

Yes, Seajoy, i did mean you. Thank you for your response. This is the hardest for me to do with the harm thoughts I have. My OCD makes me believe, "maybe it's true." Then I feel like I have to go through everything in my mind a hundred times to make sure it's not true. I'm afraid that if I am wrong, I just dismiss it, and it's not OCD, then I haven't asked Jesus to forgive me for it. I'm afraid of having unconfessed sin, because I thought it was OCD. You are right though, I need to just dismiss all the thoughts. My therapist and my husband repeatedly tell me this. I think my greatest fear is that God will hold this against me if it's not OCD for some reason. Which really isn't a valid fear, when I really think about it, because Jesus died for all of my sins, even when I don't mention all of them.

The God who created heaven and earth understands ocd and what needs to be done for you to get better. God does not hold ocd against us. Just as He holds a cancer sufferer during treatment, He holds us during our treatment. He's a big, loving God.

 

[SolaceGarden]

I just find it hard to be able to approach God NOW when I haven't had even a remotely close or obedient relationship with Christ. There is such a block. Years ago, I left university because I had made some poor decisions and was feeling exceedingly isolated.

When I returned home, after a while, I started feeling that a world of opportunity and redemption was available to me. I could start over. I thought that I could work on establishing new social relationships and bettering old ones and seek out God honestly, maybe volunteer and enroll in a program in college which could foster my creative side. The thing is, as I tried to meet people and attend small groups, I had this ever-present 'bad' feeling that seemed to come over me whenever I tried to take a step in the 'right' direction. When I would try to look into going back to school, I would feel unworthy of the opportunity. When I attended small groups or met new people, I felt that this wasn't right. I constantly felt out of phase like this wasn't where I was supposed to be, that I had derailed somewhere and I could see the track my life should have been on, but couldn't find a way of getting back there.

These feelings followed me no matter what I thought of to help me out of my isolation. And on top of all this, came what I thought was my first experience with OCD. Looking back now though, it was all obsessive to a degree. I still deal with this sense of foreboding when I look into going back to school or attempting to read for myself what the Bible teaches and trying to connect with Jesus. I go to a great church with some really intensive teaching and though it resonates with me, I feel out of place there, going there and being among those people. I feel like a giant fraud.

I should add that there's a part of me, that through this experience, feels that the ONLY redemption for me IS Jesus. But that's only a part of me. Another part of me feels betrayed... like I've been bullied into this corner and given a choice: sink or grab hold. And I have a lot of anger over that. I've become a very angry person and this is what has REALLY altered my relationships.

 

[romans8one]

for me, i was diagnosed when i was 14 and i'm still dealing with it, but maybe i need it. if i weren't suffering i might not be as close to God

 

[Mayflower1]

raying for you SolaceGarden. feelings can easily consume your life. I don't know anything really about OCD, but I know about feelings and how they have lied to me. I am grateful, because God has brought me to life. despite how hard something is, Jesus can consume you. it is great when He does.

 

[LadyL]

I've experienced most of what you guys spoke of. It's strainging and really hard to manage at times. I'm just gonna say that God is taking care of me. I cannot take care of myself and couldn't handle a lot. Especially when those terrifying thoughts came to me or still come to me.

 

[SolaceGarden]

Has anyone ever experience something like this:

You have the overwhelming sense that your life has gone off track somewhere maybe because of a bad decision/choice. You feel that you're constantly inhabiting a place in life where every decision you make, whether it be in your best interest or not, or whether it's trivial or not, feels somehow wrong to you? No matter what choice you make, you never feel "back on track" but are constantly carrying a feeling of dread with you in all your decisions? I can't seem to part with this sense that every choice I make is wrong, feels wrong even when logically I can see that it would be good for me. It's this feeling and thinking that prevents me from seeking out a small group for fellowship and growth. The same dread that keeps me from pursuing academics or a stable job. It's the same feelings that keep me from wanting to interact with my family or combat the day. Before I can ever recall having OCD tendencies... this has always been my experience... I just haven't had to deal with these things as much since my thoughts turned to more terrifying things.

 

[Dogperson]

In my own experience, I can recall symptoms of OCD from the time I was a small child. I had to take a certain number of steps through each room in the house & if I messed up I had to do it over or something bad would happen. Or I had to count things. At that age I was obsessed with the fear that my mother would die. Later my OCD turned into sort of a germaphobia or if I laid a small item down & then couldn't find it I would start imagining I had swallowed it! I also was scared of food poisoning & had to check the expiration date on everything my mother cooked. The year I was in 7th grade my writing became illegible because of having to circle each letter 3 times & make sure all loops were closed. Plus I had to count how many words were in each sentence I had to read. Fell off honor roll & made an F. Family took me to doctor who was clueless, blamed it on puberty, & gave me sedatives. The symptoms faded into the background during my teens & early 20s. I was saved at 22. OCD came back full force after my mom died when I was 26. I become obsessed with whatever is currently my biggest fear or cause of stress: physical problems, marital problems, etc. OCD runs in my family & one relative has it concerning her salvation, fear that she never really got saved. I'm about to turn 40 & have experienced this disorder for pretty much all my life.
My family doctor was able to prescribe Paxil for the OCD & Klonopin for the panic attacks. I'd probably be unable to function at times without them. I can't get counseling because I can't afford it. I've hidden this condition all my life from everyone but my immediate family & a few select women friends from church. It's been hard going to school & working with people & pretending to be "normal" when I felt like a freak. I didn't know there were other people like me until I was diagnosed with OCD. So relieved to find out it was a real condition & I wasn't alone!
I'd recommend seeing your doctor who can advise you on treatment.
Good luck & God bless!