Just some things...

[Chocolatesa]

When I was a little boy, my grandparents had taken me to church.

When I left my grandparents and moved back in with my mother, my stepdad had brought me to his own church.

When my parents divorced and my stepdad and grandparents were taken away from me, I met Sara, who talked with me about God.

When she was taken away, I had dreams at night of giving my life to God.

When I forgot my dreams and became obsessed with aliens, the bhm had come to talk to me.

When I felt useless and worthless, I'd been given a chance in the Air Force.

When I screwed that up, I'd been given another chance in another career.

When I became bitter over this and turned to the occult, the bhm had once again come to me and preached Jesus to me, telling me in detail how refusing would destroy my life.

And once again, I had refused to listen.

"Listen to another parable: There was a landowner who planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a winepress in it and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey. When the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to the tenants to collect his fruit.

"The tenants seized his servants; they beat one, killed another, and stoned a third. Then he sent other servants to them, more than the first time, and the tenants treated them the same way.

Last of all, he sent his son to them. 'They will respect my son,' he said.

I was at that last point, the great Last of All. I'd been preached to, taught to, inspired and shown what to do. I'd had teachers, preachers, ministers and missionaries. My granddad, my stepddad, and a little sister designed to make me understand love and compassion. I'd been given a great chance, I'd been given a terrific job. I'd marched my own army, flown halfway across the world, been pampered and disciplined both, made and formed and raised a man.

I'd had an angel come to me in my dreams to stand in front of me and explain the gospel, just in case there was some part I didn't understand.

And I had refused them all.

I dreamed I was flying through a light gray mist, inside of an equally gray void. I had been summoned, called to this place. I came to a metallic gray platform and stopped there, waiting like I knew I was supposed to do.

I was dead. I saw myself as I was in the heavens, not as a man but as a son of God. I was no longer living. I had cuts and gashes, deep slices into my body all over. There were marks on my head, marks on my sides, marks on my legs, all the way down to my feet. There had been some kind of life or heartbeat, some kind of thing once inside of me that had made me alive, but every last bit of that was now gone. Irrevocably gone.

I had once been a very powerful spirit, and that was the only reason I was still able to stand. I knew somehow that most people, on reaching the phase I was now at, fell down and slept. There was nothing inside of them to keep them going. No life. I didn't have that life either, but I did have something: vengeance. I wanted revenge on the people who had caused this, and that burning desire refused to let me lay down. It was the only purpose to my life, the only thing that kept me going.





That time was up.

I remember very clearly standing on this gray platform and walking back and forth across it. There are two forms to a spiritual body, and this is when my flesh mind realized this, upon remembering this episode the next morning. Two forms: a bodily form and a glorified form. The first was 'human', and the only one I'd seen in the past few years, since I was 15. The glorified was the one I now stood in, because it was proper to, and I could see now that it held no longer held any glory whatsoever.

I was a walking corpse.

A large brown mist suddenly came out of nowhere, just off the platform, on the north side. As it approached, I stumbled back as quickly as I could, nearly tripping over my own body. A difficult thing to do in a spiritual form. Anyone who remembers being in one will right now be laughing. The mist immediately radiated it's essence. Peacefulness, redemption, and a glory that was not yet apparent. Brown curls seemed to hem in everything.

He came to my left, and took his bodily form. Jesus Christ our Savior was standing nearby me.

I remember circling around to his front and slightly to his left, keeping a very suspicious eye on him the entire time. I kept my distance.

He watched me the entire time. He seemed sad and let down. The only reason he was there was that he had been told to go there by his Father. It really felt as if he thought it were a lost cause. That was his entire temperment, as if he had been told to go preach, but knew that there was no real chance of it working. It made him sad to have to go, because he thought the only thing it would accomplish was for him to meet yet another person destined for Hell. It was like fighting an invincible army. You had fought and fallen back, stormed the beaches and bombed from the air. And yet, nothing had worked. Finally, someone had said, "hey, maybe if we sent uncle Jethro, they'd listen." It was very much as if the young master didn't have a high opinion of himself.

I watched him, and asked because it had to be asked, "are you really the Son of God?"



"I am," he said. But he still sounded sad.

I remember really opening my eyes and looking at him. I think I may have walked around him a bit and just studied him. He was absolutely powerful, almost in an insane celtic warrior type way. Everything about him was strongly, strongly virtueous. I had never before seen anything like it. He was tall, but it really seemed more like you were just short. And I had never thought of myself as a small celestial before that moment. And he was strong, and peaceful somehow, and absolutely perfect in everything that surrounded and radiated from him. And brown curls and brown clothing surrounded everything.

"I've been looking for you for a long, long time," I said.

I believe he may have raised an eyebrow.

I guess people look for Jesus in some very bizarre places.

But he began to talk to me, and tell me what he was, and I can't remember any of it. Finally I remember telling the lord that I would accept him, and let him do what needed to be done.

There was an alien sitting in the corner, and it was there because Jesus had told it to be there. It was the prince that was with me.

Jesus walked with me to stand in front of it. The demon turned to the lord and a look of two people who have already met went through his eyes, along with that of slight dislike. Not hatred or rage, but dislike.

"You have to get rid of him if you're going to have me," Jesus said.

It was as if, in my human life, I'd taken one emotion and ran with it, and that this is how I'd become so wrapped up in what I was doing. Here though, I could think clearly, and it didn't take a moment's thought to decide getting rid of the prince was no problem.

"Lord," I said, "I don't know how to do that!"

He told me to think of him, and doing so to force the other spirit to leave. He told me to tell the demon to leave, using my lord's name.

I turned to the demon and looked at him. Looking into his eyes made me so afraid I could barely move. I tried to call up all the bravery I'd once had, but it was gone. There was a little bit of anger over this, and mixing those two things together, I steadied myself and spoke to the monster.

"In the name of Jesus, be gone," I said.

He looked me straight in the eye, and smiled with pure glee and sarcasm. "Do you really think it's that easy?"

This terrified me, and I began to lose it.

This seemed to make Jesus sad once again. "If you can't do it, call on me, and I'll do it," he told me. He turned to the demon and said something, making his authority evident right away. He said a few more things, which I don't remember, and finally the demon was sent away.

And there were other things that happened as the Lord spoke to me, but I have never been able to remember any of them.

...and that was it.

Wow.

 

[K9Guardian]

You saw Jesus...

 

[K9Guardian]

At first I was ready to cry... To hear about my Lord in person... the man I've wanted to find so badly...

Then I was excited...

And now I don't know what to think.

You were a wretch, and He came to you in person...

That's... awesome.

 

[Kol]

I had made my decision, but things were far from over.

My dorm room was a mess. I'd exploited a loophole in the system to hide in another squadron's dorms, so I was never inspected. Blankets covered the windows, shutting out all the light. My mirrors were locked up. I slept on a sleeping bag on the floor. Candles used for scrying in various stages of use were all around, some with match sticks and ashes mixed in from use. I had two different sets of tarot cards, one of which I never even used. A large percentage of my computer's hard drive was pornography; the rest was web pages of anti-God sentiment and new age explanations of how the aliens were coming to save us, which I didn't believe anyway. My cd collection was limited to hard rock and death metal, and these sat in a pile on the floor. Beyond that, there were razors with dried blood hidden beneath a towel in the corner, empty iron capsules on my dresser, and a bowl of candle wax, match sticks, and drops of blood on my nightstand.

I didn't have any other Christians to depend on or turn to. There was a fight coming, things I had to get out of, and no one alive could understand, because no one alive had been through what I'd been through. I didn't even have any friends. The closest thing I'd had in years was Sandra, and I owed it to her to not ever have to know me again. I couldn't relate to others, and they most certainly could not relate to me.

I didn't have any emotions. That's a very peculiar thing to say. I felt nothing. It wasn't that I chose not to let things bother me. I simply did not care. There was nothing there. I remember imagining myself as a broken robot. A featureless thing designed for a purpose it could no longer fulfill.

The closest thing I had to a friend was a spirit guide and a demon prince named Phoenix.

For those first few nights I would dream they both came to me, knocking on my dorm door and calling my name. My spirit guide wanted me to tell him what to do. ("And what am I to do now?", in that cold emotionless tone.) I dreamed that Phoenix stood outside my second-floor dorm window and talked to me all night. And this may be bizarre to understand, but I missed them in a way. Especially my spirit guide, because he had become like a brother to me. It wasn't brotherly love, but more of a feeling of belonging. He was a brother to what I was. My sense of what I was had become very closely tied to him. I had been experiencing the outside world with him for at least 2 years now.

What I know now though, is that he'd been involved for far longer than that.

At some point, I heard a voice speak to me.
The voice seemed to be smiling or grinning:

"Do you remember me?"

'No', I thought.

It seemed to laugh.

"I'm God," it said.

'No you're not!'

"I am." It seemed serious.

I said and thought nothing.

"I'll talk to you again, later," it said, and seemed to 'disappear'.

What I didn't realize was that he had been with me since I was a toddler, and what I didn't know was that he wasn't an angel, a demon, or a spirit guide at all. What I would later find out was that I had known him far before I had been born or planned to be born.

But that's later. For now, I simply missed this evil spirit in my life, and his power and influence.

But I held out. I read my tarot's symbology but didn't use them. I only half-heartedly used my wax bowl. And I continued to read my Bible, although it did absolutely nothing for me. (For a couple of years, it wouldn't.) But I didn't have anything close to the strength to quit anything else I'd become involved in. Just one or two things.

The bhm began to come back, and I have very little idea of what we talked about.

I don't recall any other experiences of leaving my body with my spirit guide, or of entering anyone else's with him.

And that's basically where I was towards the middle of 2000.

 

[Kol]

I was put on permanent details (menial tasks) until I was reclassified into a different career field. It scared me to think about it, but I had *no* idea what job I was going to get. I was not the only reclass, but this didn't help me feel any better, because several of the reclasses were made SPs, Air Force cops. I knew that if I were put there, I wouldn't make the cut and I'd be kicked out of the military as unfit for service.

The Air Force Reserve sergeant had asked me twice when I'd told her I wanted to be an SP in the reserves. I was back down towards my initial weight, didn't have a scrap of muscle on me, and was as pale as a human being can get.

I looked at the pictures on the wall and repeated, "yes ma'am" once more. She acted like I was asking her to sign my death warrant.

When I went to my Reserve base, I was sat on a couch and told all my uniforms would have to be replaced. Mechanics wore the uniform bottom but we took off the tops and just went with our t-shirts. The bottoms had faded but the tops seemed new. As an SP this wouldn't be allowed.

"Sergeant Bowman, see if you can get this young man some new uniforms. You might want to get him some weight gain powder too. We can't have him blowing away if he works the flight line." The Senior (Senior Master Sergeant) stared at me and smiled. It was impossible to tell if he was really in a good humor or about to rip my throat out. I found out later he'd been in Vietnam and both killed and seen men killed. I suppose then, that he was about as sane as possible. I immediately liked him.

 

[Kol]

A few months later I was sent to training, in San Antonio, Texas. Four years earlier, I'd been there in boot camp. The conditions were very similar. There was a division between new SPs and those of us who'd been in the service prior to our enlistments as military cops. This meant that the sergents pulled their punches when they hollered at us. They still threw them.

I was forbidden from talking to the NPS students, the non-prior service, the 18 and 19 year olds. We could not socialize with them, but we were required to lead them. One was a very cute girl who told me about her secret fetish for dressing like a bunny. (???) I mostly stood quiet and let her tell me about going to the beach and all about ladybugs. My subconcious, the back of my mind, seemed to be spinning as she did. I wasn't trying to channel, to communicate with another spirit, but the thoughts came as if I were. I saw a deck of tarot cards, an image of God, and the word 'destiny' in my mind. To me this meant that the situation was a test, one from God, and that it weighed heavily on my fate. I let the girl talk, and never said anything to her. Later on, another student like myself was expelled for going to a club with the NPS students.

It seemed to me that I was perpetually being tempted with girls below my station in life, whether it was because of their jobs (Heather), their age (Sandra), or some other intangible (this cute SP). Knowing the way the tarot worked, I realized this was one of my tests in life, and I wondered a little why.

The other prior-service students were the only ones I was allowed to socialize with, and that endeavor did not go well.

Most of them were old army guys, who'd come to the Air Force because they thought it would be easier. They were older than me and had seen more (yeah, so they thought). They were a bit more rough and tumble than you might imagine. I tried at first to make friends with a few of those guys, but at that time I wasn't so great at conversation. I realized very quickly that they didn't like me.

Once we were sitting at a picnic table, waiting for class to start again after lunch. One of the others turned to me.

"So," he asked me, "are you still a virgin?"

"What?"

He asked me again in a different manner.

"You're just going to ask me that, out of the blue?"

"Yeah, I am."

Another time as we were standing in formation, another prior-service student turned around to me and asked me a very detailed question about giving a female oral sex.

It became apparent that the others in the class had been discussing this about me. At first I thought they must be making fun of me in some way, but it occured to me that I just looked like a very innocent and nice little kid, completely unworldly. I did not talk worldy, and I did not let myself see things in that way. This seemed to irritate them to no end. I wasn't sure why this was, and it started me thinking again about Heather and my bizarre feelings when I had been so close to sleeping with her. I had since attributed the entire episode to my other spirit, 'Phoenix'. But something in my spirit, in my own spiritual self, seemed to have a very strong emotion over both their questions and my own thoughts. There was something to it within me. Part of me was laughing at them and the situation.

I made one friend, an old Marine drill instructor. He talked and I sat quiet, listening. When the day came for the sergeants to teach us all handcuffs, I had to used two sets on him, because his wrists were so big. He was the only conversation I had, and most of that revolved around his own immorality and fighting.

The days were filled with semi-automatics and combat techniques, with middle-aged army guys who didn't like me and instructors who would just as soon holler at you as give you the time of day. But most times, the nights belonged to me.

I had learned to hate showers, but every night I took two baths. The first time I would fill the tub with freezing cold water. I would turn off all the lights in the motel room, because I felt like doing so, and submerge myself nude in the ice-cold bathtub. It was physically painful to do so, but I forced myself with my will. I could feel all my skin tighten up and after a few seconds sweat would begin to pour out of my armpits, trying evidently to warm me. It felt like a liquid heat pouring from my body. I had been writing a story about a prince who had been cursed and imprisoned under the water, and I put myself under the water as if i were him.

And at the time I had no idea why I was doing this.

A song of Static-X seemed to speak to a hidden part of me:

I still feel the cold
of long past days
I knew my worth
put in my place
it's no surprise
I realized
some time before...

December

Sun shines through haze
i put my thoughts
toward future days
it's no surprise
i close my eyes
and close the door...

feeling so old
years pass like days
fastly changing
so many ways
my eyes perceive
yes i believe

in nothing more...

In my story, the prince had become a demon and was kept under the water until the end of the world. It was evident to me I'd stolen the thought from all my reading of Enoch; the fallen angels were supposedly imprisoned in a place called Tartarus, far beneath the oceans. I began to wonder what parts of my demon's memory were now in my own mind, and whether I was writing about his father.

Unsettling to say the least.

 

[Kol]

Three months later I was sitting on the flight line (the air strip), watching the clouds and trying not to use them to scrye.

I had my tarot deck with me, and unlike before, I let everyone know that I used them (which I didn't). I talked to a TSgt about his relationship with the Lord, and told him I was trying to get closer to God.

"You know what David, you gotta throw all that stuff away. The wisdom of man is nothing compared to the wisdom of God."

Some of the posts were 2-man ones, and on those I rode with a TSgt from CATM (firing range instructor). We discussed aliens and whether or not science fit into God's plan in the universe; whether creation was founded on mathematics, and things like that.

And every day I read my Bible. It had no benign effect on me, and I found I couldn't read too much at once. If I did, I would become depressed and moody. Bizarre, but it happened. I read as much as I could.

Most of the guards at the base were old Vietnam soldiers, and they had a lot of secrets they kept to themselves. I somehow identified with this, and I felt more comfortable around these older men than I did airmen my own age. So I began to talk to them about inconsequential matters, and they did the same, and I learned to talk to people all over again, if only a bit more roughly.

My rose-covered Keesler was gone, and I was never going to see the world in that way again. Instead, I learned from old war veterans, and my new self became like them.

I had been staying with the remains of my family, my mother and sisters. My brother had his own family, and my granddad had been killed my last year in California. Amanda went to hug me one day and I moved away, for whatever reason i don't remember. I felt my mother's mind in that moment, and she was shocked. I realized with disgust she worried about me getting too close to my own sister, and a few weeks later I told her I wanted to move out.

When I'd first come back from California, I'd stayed with Jason in North Carolina. When my reserve unit was called to active duty and I had to work every day in Georgia, I'd been forced to move in with my mom because she lived nearby. Now though, Jason found an opportune time to move back, and I saw an opportune chance to move in with him. So we rented an apartment at Woodglen, where very soon I would begin work at Sony...

 

[Kol]

I've made a mistake on my dates in this story. I didn't rent the room at Woodglen until 2003; the pictures are stamped with 5/30/03. I said before that I went to Saudi after renting that apartment, but I couldn't have. A tiny detail, but I see it now. I rented after I got back from Saudi, and stayed with my mother before that, with all of 2001 spent with Jason in North Carolina.

The dream of Christ must have taken place in the middle or late of 2000. If I rented the apartment in 2003, that means I went to Arkansas in 2004.

This matters because it relates to Kaitlin.

I said a few pages back that I'd made a mistake and just realized it. The mistake was here:

The entire time I was in the motel room, I had a type of "daydream" come to me. It was as if I was seeing something in my mind even while I was still awake. The daydream was very strong-I couldn't make it go away, although it didn't interfere with me in any tangible way. In it, I could see...this alien. It looked mostly human, and seemed discernably masculine, tho why, I couldn't say. He was very tall, and a bit thin, but muscular in a way, and had a very commanding and regal presence. If I had to give a height, I would say he was a little over 6 feet tall. The image I saw was very detailed. This was an individual-his eyes, his nose, his cheekbones, they were all different, all his own-and I would have been able to tell him apart from other individuals. He had a kind of tan or light golden skin. His face was clear, smooth, with no facial hair, no eyebrows or eyelashes at all. He seemed almost angelic, spiritual in a way. His eyes were black, and in this vision, he was staring at me with a kind of dull intent. Somehow, he *knew* me.

Nothing seemed to follow this constant "vision", even though it stayed with me till I fell asleep. The "alien" never did anything, he was just there.

I got the distinct feeling that I knew this man, but from where, I had no idea. I'd never *met* a man that looked like that before, as far as I knew. No one had! But to my mind, it somehow didn't seem so strange a thing.

This was what happened to me the first night I set out for Arkansas...

From when I'd set out to go to Arkansas. This was the demon, and I realized it the moment I typed the word 'regal', because that describes him, not my spirit guide. I had been mistaken because I was used to him looking like a man, not a demon/alien. What this affects is the new spirit guide:

We all three though, are waiting for our "leader." As we are talking, I have (yes, in a spiritual body) a psychic experience-I see our leader, my spiritual "guide", walking towards us. In my "vision" though, he hasn't put on his false appearance. He is not a good spirit-he's evil somehow, and he's deceiving us all. At this point, I alone realize this.

It means I had been with him for 3 years, from 2000 until '03. So I struggled at my Reserve base in my "quiet" phase for about 3 years.

Beyond this, the real problem is that there may be an inconsistency in the story. If not an inconsistency, then a very strange detail that might affect us all.

This is getting crazy again. Work with me here, just running through a few things.

Everything that has happened to me in my life, up to a few things that have not happened yet, I saw with the Gerald Tarrant guide in California. The problem is with the new spirit guide (the one I saw that night in Arkansas, the one I fought against over Kaitlin). Everything that GT worked out for me has still come true, but the problem is that those things didn't change with the new guide. So either the new spirit took over the old one's plans, or they didn't plan them at all, they just took credit for them.

The new guide had fooled me into believing he was a Christian, and there were two other Christians with me when I met with him. (Check the initial thread.) So why, in a spiritual body, would I continue with the same plan as I'd been given by the old spirit, knowing he was evil? Why, when I met Christ, wouldn't this change? It makes it sound at first as if our paths in life don't matter at all, or are set by someone higher than the guides. And why would a demon care to show me the new guide was fooling me?

What further complicates this is the fact that GT isn't a spirit guide or an angel at all. He's human. It makes it sound (given my obsession with "secrets" back then) that he just found out my life's path and told this to me.

If this is true, then it would explain things but it would mean something very not nice.

It would mean that GT never helped plan my life, he just found out about it and told me. That being the case, the "new" spirit guide could have been my guide from birth. I was led into the occult, but most certainly not by GT; he's connected to me but not to my present family, and *all* of my present family has been led into the occult. Which means that God and the bhm made no move to disallow an evil angel from planning out my life from the beginning.

Since another word for "spirit guide" is "guardian angel", it would mean that we all have guardian angels, and that some are indiscriminately satanic.

So the greater good in this part of the story was done by GT and the prince. A human and a demon, helping me because they were fighting against heaven. Which would make a whole heck of a lot of sense because of what they both (and myself) belong to. (Which I'll get to.) It would also explain why they flocked to my side to begin with. If this is true, then when I fought off Kaitlin, I wasn't just breaking away from my sin, I was breaking away and proclaiming my freedom from the entire heavenly system. I said in my pre-birth experience that 95% of heaven was under Satan's control. It's very nearly anti-biblical to say this(it's not tho, just against what the churches teach), but...I think-

It would explain why I'm here right now...

I can't give it away yet. It all comes down to families, and the ones on earth seem to be fighting against the ones in heaven, and I think I now know why. All it does is make me sad. It makes me feel like there are no good guys or bad guys, just God and the Devil and a lot of people caught in between.

I'll get to it all...
I know this sounds so loony. There's nothing I can do about that. I'll explain it all.
I've got to think about this for a while...

 

[Kol]

I've scared myself considerably.

Today was a hassle. My admissions counselor called about noon to ask why my secondary loan hadn't gone through. I checked, and the bank wanted a co-signer. I changed the loan amount and tried again. Now I'm told by the counselor that it may take 6 weeks for the loan to reach the school, which means I won't be able to start school because my tuition won't be paid in time. My admissions counselor seems very uninformed, and coupled with my laziness, this is a problem.

If I have to, I'll take out a normal loan, get my grandmother to co-sign, and pay the tuition out of my own loan. The interest won't matter, because as soon as I pay the tuition, the military will pay me back with the GI Bill.

But of course, that's not why I'm scared.

...

All that stuff above, about guardian angels being evil and the demons wanting to fight heaven, it all makes sense. And it doesn't make God out to be a bad guy, but it certainly shows He doesn't care about what people think or about any of their plans. I think there is more than one little war going on here, and that I'm involved in two of them.

This is on the borderline of absolute crazy. Follow along with me here, help me try to reason this out.

We came to a very old room, as long as it was wide. There were things like desks strewn across the far wall, long since forgotten. The tiled floor seemed to be cracking from age. The lights were let low. We were being very careful and very quiet, because what we were doing was a secret. We were in an enemy's city, and could not risk being discovered.

I felt music coming from the main part of the city we were in. It was as if thousands of souls were singing praises to God. It made me sick, and the bhm winced, because the praises were false, and everyone in that city was being decieved. They were worshipping him, not God..they were mistakenly bowing to the Devil.

According to this memory then, my former celestial self believed that heaven had been taken over by the Devil and that people were worshipping him, although they didn't know it. I had to sneak through the city, I remember that even now. The reason was that I was in that 'enemy territory'. I was immersing myself in their world in order to be born. To say then, that I had an 'evil' guardian angel from birth would make sense, because that spirit would have come from their city. I very well could have been implanted to intentionally kink their system.

It would also explain how I had this sense that things were so wrong, even though they seemed right.

It was like the Romans had taken over Jerusalem but still allowed the sacrifices. None of the people knew it was actually Romans in charge, save the ruling class, and they had all been massacred.

The only reason I knew the new system was evil was that I had once been a king of the old system.

The bhm then explained to me that God was trying to re-establish the old kingdom into a new one, and that some of the old kings were going to be reborn. I was told that *I* was going to be one of those.

And thinking this, something else comes to mind which kinda lines up. I told the story about the 'alien' abduction, about my uncle when I was a toddler. If the evil 'overseers' or whoever (the people in the city) weren't aware of me because we'd all been 'snuk in', it would completely explain this little gem of a comment:

I also remember there were a lot of these people (aliens) walking back and forth, from the car to-I don't remember to what, I guess their ship or whatever, but I don't remember-and they kept saying, "we didn't know about the boy", talking about me.

http://www.christianforums.com/t5283176-ufos-and-aliens.html

That would make sense, then. They didn't know about me because they are connected to Heaven, and I had been born from Heaven in secret.

As for where *I* and the other celestials with me were from:

I wore something like armor... On my chest was the remnants of what had been my country's crest, a long, long time ago. Most of it was faded, and no one still around would have any idea what it meant. The crest, the emblem, had triangles, circles, and interlocking lines...there was something like rain, or a storm across it now. I had been stamped in some way.

I believe I'd belonged to a former celestial empire, and that a couple of the others had too. I believe Satan's army had taken all this over, and I was fighting him, not because of sin or that he was evil, but on my own grounds, because he'd ruined our world. That's *exactly* what we all were, refugees from a country nobody remembered.

...I remember explaining to my group what we were about to do. The only words I remember:

"This isn't just another country we are going to. It's a different reality. I can't explain to you what we will experience there. We may not find each other. You know what we must do, and any one of you may find you have to do it on your own."

These are the last words I remember speaking to them. We had gone to many different countries. That was what we did, traveled the heavens, fighting. We had all joined some group to do this, and that group had set us all together, with me as the leader. Everything had been taken over by "the enemy", and 95% of creation had no idea anything was amiss. This is why what we were doing was such a secret. The nearby city was a heavy part of that 95%.

But at that time I had no idea of who or what Jesus was. The first time I remember being told about him was the baby swing memory, which took place after I had already been born from above. I wasn't a hero fighting sin for the Lord, I was a survivor out for revenge. The others might not have been, especially considering that I met the first one (my former 'priestess', the 'armorbearer') in the angel's tower (in that void place). I joined up with God's own army, but not before trying things on my own.

I remembered thinking it was God, and that He answered that He was *always* there. I said something like, "there's only so many ways this can end, aren't there?" I don't remember what the answer was. I then said something like, "one of those ways is with You, isn't it?" I remember dreaming that He said yes, and that the decision was mine. I believe I told Him that all I really wanted to do was to destroy "them". He answered, saying that it was going to be done, but He wasn't going to make any effort to see that I had anything to do with it.

In that moment I didn't hate God, but I felt apart from Him with no desire to go back. I just wanted to finish my mission and die.

Finally, I made my decision. The decision was completely on my own part, almost selfish, and was for the sole reason that I wanted to defeat my adversary. I remember whispering out loud; "this is the only way I'll ever be able to do this."

I evidently decided to go back to God because our purposes lined up.

This also puts the icing on the cake concerning how a demon prince and the GT "guide" came to me, and how they knew me in the first place. They are also part of the old system.

The bigger giant wandered around and from him I sensed an overwhelming sadness. He had been a king at one time, a *long* time ago..he had been an angel, I guessed, or something very much like it. Somehow whatever he had been king over had been destroyed, and he had become this thing, been born as it. He didn't hate God, but he felt his time was over and he wanted to go out with this, one last "party", one last time to be something. And so he had become this monster, ruling over this wilderness on earth. He stayed away from everyone and everything and unlike the first giant, didn't destroy people or things but just wanted to be alone so he could live and die one last time. He would become like a god after he died, never evil or violent but never again something of God.

Try to imagine a magnificent empire, something to almost defy explanation. Imagine there had once been a man, a confidant, an ally, a close advisor and a friend of the emperor. He had ruled his own world under this emperor's power. Somehow though, that empire had fallen. It was unimaginable, but somehow it had all ended. Since this was so unthinkable, and since that empire had once been so great, this man had lost his faith. His heart was broken, to the point that it could never hold anything again. This man had lost everything he believed in and worse, he had lost the faith to ever gain it back. He loved to think back to how things had been, and he loved to dream about those days, but it was beyond him to ever believe in such a thing again.

This was the second giant. He had given up all hope..hope wasn't even something to be grasped for him, it was so beyond him now. So he had become this monster and came to tread out the rest of his life alone with his memories.

It was inexpressibly sad and didn't even seem like something I should have been allowed to see or know of. I didn't feel God's presence in my dream, but..it was somehow tied to Him. I felt like I had been thrust into another family's funeral. As if it were something too sacred for someone not involved to know about. I felt embarrassed and....just horrible.

This giant I dreamed about could have been (or represented) another one of the old kings. He came to earth to try to re-establish his old rule, because Satan had taken his from him in heaven.

And I'll get to all of this...

Wow. Just wow.

 

[Kol]

Something else comes to mind too.

And there were other things that happened as the Lord spoke to me, but I have never been able to remember any of them.

I remembered something after I finished typing this last night.

After the lord sent the demon away, he called me back over to him, and that's when I finally accepted him. He then told me I had to bow down to him and worship him.

This feels very wrong to me, and it did then too. It seems like idolatry to me, because in my understanding, the Word of God is just the image of Him, and the actual thing is beyond reality. I remember asking if I *had* to do this, and he said yes, I did, so I remember bowing down in front of him and worshipping Jesus Christ. I felt like I had lost something sacred, but at the same time I felt the Invisible God watching me.

If I really am a fallen king from the old heaven, this would make sense.

I was in space, and there were stars all around. They were far away, and there was no sun nearby that I could see. This place had been chosen and made sacred, because the background of the stars felt like a cloak or a cape, and since it would always be "nighttime", it would always have a certain majesty to it.

There were platforms, and they were made out of some kind of crystal, and you could almost see through them. The platforms weren't connected. They ranged in size from maybe 10 to 12 feet to as large as a house. But you could (???) from one platform to the other of course, so it wasn't a problem to go wherever you needed to go.

There weren't any buildings but one, and that was the temple. It didn't have an inside to it. It was like a ramp, or a triangle, but somehow this isn't right. It was golden, and very beautiful, but beyond that, something about it filled me with a kind of inexpressible joy and wonder, and awe at something I could not grasp.

There were "stone walls" made out of the same golden material. People would come to stand on these walls and worship at the temple. The priests and the kings would take certain rites and follow certain ceremonies, and they would be able to walk up the triangle and worship there. But even the kings had to follow the directions of the priests, and as you worshipped you were always *very* careful to do things the right way. If you weren't as fortunate, you had to worship a short distance away, and so people would come to stand and kneel on the stone walls and do just this. The walls were huge, each block at least 6 feet or so in size. There were no steps anywhere, but you could (???) from one block to the next, and that was the only way to move around.

I appeared in the center platform and made my way to the bottom of the triangle, to wait for the priest to acknowledge me. I had to wait patiently and humbly, and I did so because it was only right. He came to me and led me up, making sure I did things the right way. Eventually I got to the near-top of the triangle (the very top was only for a certain priest) and I knelt down and began to worship God. He in fact was God, and He was Almighty, and He very much deserved to be worshipped. And I did so.

And the stars and the platforms were absolutely beautiful, and it was incredible to worship God, because it put me in touch with Him, with a power and a truth beyond all my understanding and existence.

This was a celestial memory of those old kingdoms worshipping God. There had been a time when I had worshipped God outside of Christ Jesus, and the reason I was (and am) so uneasy about bowing down to Christ is that this is not the way I was originally taught to worship the Almighty.

...each single bit of that mist meant something, and I understood it and was in awe of it. I thought about what I was seeing..I tried to understand the mechanics, almost the mathematics behind it. And I realized then for the first time, that what I was seeing, as perfect as it was, was...incomplete in a way. It was perfectly formed, perfectly made, designed and cast without flaw. But it expressed something more than it itself was able to. It was a formula for a reality, for a truth, for...something, far beyond what it would ever be able to express. That stardust held a secret. It shined with it, announcing it, proclaiming it. But what it proclaimed could never be, because what it represented was above being.

I was in complete and utter awe. My mind swooned. My ability to grasp the situation completely failed me, because it was so far beyond..what was, that i could not imagine it. I was in reality, and reality had been made in the highest form possible. I was an immortal, godlike being, magnificent and majestic with the ability to do and master whatever I wanted. And I was engulfed, covered over completely, by what I saw before me.

I spoke to my Great Father then, in complete awe and reverence:

"This is what You are??!" It was so far beyond me.

He seemed to smile, not a physical or celestial form but a Spirit beside me. "This is what I am like," in both agreement and correction.

I wonder now if this was Christ Jesus before he became God's son, when he was still

...a force of God, an emenation, something about Him that just was, like your breath or your voice, or your thoughts themselves. There were several things about Him like this, but none exactly the same. I can't remember anything beyond this.

This is just me thinking, but it would make sense...

 

[K9Guardian]

Darn you.

You've been making my belly do flips over and over.

I was on the verge of just leaving a few times, when it sounded like you were about to say there was no absolute good or evil

The Lord God is the essence of light and truth No questions or buts.

What you are saying then, is that there were great kingdoms in Heaven, and upon Satan's rebellion, those kingdoms were broken, their kings thrown down, their people scattered. And splinters of these eople formed little bands of guerillas, all out for reveenge against SStan.

And you just happen to be the fallen king of a heavenly nation, no less. :: You just have to go for the top, doncha?

And if that's true, then it's weird that I just so happen to come wandering out of the RPG boards to bump into you. Just my luck.

Still here.

 

[Kol]

A lot of people have been a lot of things.

I'm just some 27 year old loser, struggling to not become an alcoholic like everyone before me. I'm more than a little incompetant at times. I haven't made the best choices in life (as you've seen), and I tend to make enemies much quicker than I do friends. I tend to just pick something and go with it, and if I'm wrong in what I've chosen, it causes big problems. If I'm anything, it's a has-been. (But not in Christ!) But I still have things I want to do, and since I don't believe in secrets I'll share everything I find. Secrets should not be kept:

"I have spoken openly to the world," Jesus replied. "I always taught in synagogues or at the temple, where all the Jews come together. I said nothing in secret."

"What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs."

As far as the absurdity of all this, only one thing comes to mind:

If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you.

If I'm delusional, I hope it benefits the Lord Jesus Christ in some way. If I'm not, and I'm right about all of this, then I hope it benefits us all.


Those little splinter groups, I'll explain. I'm actually surprised no one has figured it out yet, because I've given more than enough clues. Someone on the theology board would see it right away. Anyway. I'll get to that.

I think...but if I said that, I'd give it away. Just hold on, I'll get to it.

Yes, the Lord is the essence of light and truth. Never meant to make it sound any other way. But He is most certainly no 'respecter of persons'.

There's nothing I can do about my claims of being some king of heaven. I know how it sounds. I just had 2 hotpockets and a dr pepper and watched MST3K on youtube. In a second I gotta go take a leak and brush my teeth because I've got a wisdom tooth that has rotted away, and it hurts. I also need to check the oil in my run-down pickup truck, and wash it because there's bird crap all over it. And oh yeah, I was a king of heaven one time. But that's the story, and I'm just here to tell it.

Thanks for not walking away.

 

[Kol]

Woodglen Apartments
Carrollton, Georgia
5/30/2003
12:56 AM

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My empty apartment, where everything changed for me.

I'd moved out of my mom's house and split rent with my HS friend Jason. The apartment was a 2-story for $550 a month. It was beautiful on the outside, clean on the inside, and quiet.

I'd lived at Woodglen before, in the landlord's duplexes one street over. This was where my sister Amanda had been born, and since I remembered the place and liked it, I'd moved back in.

In the first picture, there is a backpack and a cord running to my laptop. I slept on my sleeping bag against the wall there until I bought my bed later on. When I went to Arkansas and remembered my OBE, I also remembered leaving my body in this exact same spot, earlier on. This is also where I put my bed, and where I ran into my roommate Jason's aliens...which I'll get to shortly.

The second picture is all my worldy possessions at that time. A few books, a few anime, a stack of cds, and an Eeyore doll.

The third picture is of the double closet in my room. This is where a pair of 'aliens' would 'warp' into my apartment, very soon. If you look closely, there is a knob on the closet door. The aliens stood about a foot higher than that knob.

As I worked on my Reserve base, I moved into Woodglen and hung out with my buddies. My friend Andy moved in with us, and the three of us played video games and watched a bunch of movies. Jason talked to girls on the internet, Andy didn't wash his dishes, and I stay in my room quiet a lot of my time.

 

[Kol]

Those three years then rebuilt me as a person.

I had made a few work-friends, and since they tended to be gruff and unsociable, I felt free to talk to them. If I talked for a minute or two and then didn't feel like saying anything for several hours afterwards, I didn't have to.

The work shifts were 12 hours, but it took a half an hour to arm and disarm, plus about an hour each way through Atlanta traffic. This meant several days of 14 hour shifts. There were two guards to a post, and when the supervisor wasn't around, we'd take turns napping or just staring to ourselves, thinking. You sat armed and concealed, and did absolutely nothing. Being an SP was like that; if your night was interesting, something had gone wrong. So we sat in unmarked vehicles on the flight line, without anything more than a radio check all day.

I sat once with another guard, one of the Vietnam Vets, and realized I hadn't said a word to him for the first three hours of our shift together.

"Hmph. Sorry I ain't no good company," I grunted.

He looked towards me but not at me, because he'd been a real cop as well and always kept watch (except when he was napping), and said, "I 'ont care. Better than someone who can't keep their mouth shut."

And that was it, and I came out of my shell as I felt like it.

My buddies at home made me feel like I was in high school again.

I learned to *hate* the ding of an AOL IM, and both me and Andy made fun of Jason for talking to young girls, despite the fact that I had done the same in California. We watched anime and played games together, Gauntlet and Final Fantasy, and I sat and watched the others play fighting and wrestling games since I suck at those.

I kept in touch with my mom and my sisters, worked at Dobbins (the base), and spent the rest of my time with my old HS friends.

And so I became more like a regular person once again...

 

[K9Guardian]

Don't take my sardonic comments personally. Agree with me, and all will be well.

I was a little annoyed I didn't figure it out myself.

 

[Kol]

Every once in a while, as I would be falling asleep, I would hear a knock at my bedroom door and hear someone calling my name. And of course, nobody was ever there.

By the time I turned 15, I had made new friends at school. One of these was Jason, whose life is nearly as weird as my own...

Jason and I are somehow connected...

He laughed at my ideas of being a god and made fun of some of the books I'd started to read. Looking back, he was a big influence on me, because he kinda dragged me out of the way I was living, even as a kid, and back onto this side of reality.

I asked him once if he wanted to try one of the spells I routinely did, but he refused because he'd already tried those things before and they had scared him. He'd heard a knock outside of his bedroom door one night and felt a presence, and that had been enough to stop him from ever doing anything more.

Jason was once again dragging me back to this side of the veil. I believe that symbolic knock had been the figurative 'vampire' asking permission to enter, and he'd refused. They were asking me for permission to re-enter, and I too, was somehow refusing.

I had now been a Christian for 3 years. I still had Tarot cards, but had forgotten most of the meanings, and I never used them. I was having problems not wanting to do my 'crystal ball' gazing (with the matches in the bowl.) I had carried a razor in my wallet for a while, but the Senior at Dobbins (the crazy old man who was going to rip my throat out) had told me that little boys shouldn't play with knives, and I'd thought the comment so ridiculous, I'd tossed the blade away just to be stupid. I still had a lot of old alien and new age stuff, because I was still obsessed with "fighting them". I never did any spells, though I kept my candles, and I still had my book on angels but tossed the one on magic.

My mom's old house had burned down before I came home, and there were two things to survive: a box of pictures, and my old spell dagger. It had nicks on the blade and scorch marks on the pommel. The hilt was loose. I now kept the dagger in my room.

And that was where I was at.

I spent $1000 on a workout bench, and $300 more on philosophy lectures on CDs. I read as much of my Bible as I could, but still studied angelology and demonology. I sent my credit card numbers over the internet for a pay site and began to download pornography, then realized I was downloading preaching at the same time. I added God to my buddy list on AOL, and listened to Christians in a chat room typo that they longed to "whorship" the Lord.

And I had dreams that different types of demons were coming to me at night.

Demons.

Only motive for them doing that would be to get you to rebel.

There was a bonfire, and there were tall demons and short ones, and they were all dancing around this huge flame. And they were singing either to me or about me, and I kept thinking that they wanted me to join them and dance with them, all around this fire. There was a meaning to what they were doing, as if it were a spell or a ceremony, but even in the dream I didn't understand what it was. And it was nighttime, and we were in a forest, and I was there with them but wasn't dancing.

...

 

[K9Guardian]

Like a Native American sprit-summoning dance, only this was a demonic man-summoning dance.

 

[Kol]

Yeah, I guess so. Smarta...

Soon afterwards, life became very easy for me.

When 9/11 happened, my reserve unit was called to active duty. This meant that I now worked on the base at Dobbins. I got up at 3:30am and got home at 7pm. I didn't have time to think *or* worry. I got to be friends with the people I worked with, and this helped me a lot too. I was an SP, military police. So it was a lot of physically active stuff, gate guard, weapons training, and so on...busy work.

So all these things just kind of passed from my mind.

My spiritual life in Christ had really began to grow. I finished the first five books of the OT and started to read them again. I read all the books of the NT over and over again. I couldn't make it to church anymore-I worked all week-but I still felt myself getting closer to God.

When the US decided to invade Iraq, I had to go.

We were stationed in Saudi, in an "undisclosed location" called Tabuk...

In 2003, my reserve unit received orders to ship out to Saudi Arabia, to support the operations in Iraq. We were flown to Louisiana first though, and waited there for two weeks as our brother units arrived to fly out with us.

I had a room on the second floor of the base motel. Our MSgt was an alcoholic and extremely lenient. The 2IC (second in command) was my CATM buddy, the guy I discussed aliens and science with. My fireteam leader was the one who'd told me to leave the cards and look for wisdom from God and not man.

We trained those two weeks, but not very heavily. Our MSgt let us train in our civilian clothes. Only on a military base can you see a 12-man team of people in Nike outfits, Calvin Klein gear, and one guy in a cowboy hat, all with semi-automatic weapons and grenade launchers, and not think anything amiss.

I ran the track and worked out in the gym with everyone in the mornings, then came back to my own room to sit quietly and read Piers Anthony the rest of the day. I bought german chocolate and sipped on sweet tea. Johnny Cash's new "Hurt" video had just come out, and it made me want to cry. A couple of the guys went into town to gamble, and I remember telling them 'no thanks'.

Completely normal life, for the most part.

As I was there waiting to ship out, I had a dream come to me...

 

[Kol]

I was back at my apartment, on the first floor, and in the living room. The television was gone, and there was a fireplace where it had been. The door beside this which had been the downstairs restroom was closed, and didn't look like an inside door, but one that led outside.

Jason, Andy, and myself are all sitting around a table in our living room, and it looks like a table from an inn in a fantasy book. Jason and Andy had big 'mugs of ale' (remember, this was a dream), and I had a glass with something I'd mixed in (yeah, I know, just like Raist). And we just sat there and talked, and with the fire and the conversation, everything was very comfortable.

At some point though, my spidey-sense tingles, and I felt something evil approaching.

I get up and walk to the restroom door, which now leads outside. Jason keeps talking behind me, and playing video games. Andy changes into another friend, Bill. I open the door leading outside, to the restroom.

There is a very tall gray alien kneeling down outside. I look into his eyes and am terrified. Inside of those eyes, I saw what I knew as a "gigan giant".

...all I can say is that there were three types of giants.

...Enoch also describes these three as different animals, donkeys and horses and elephants. That's what the giants are like; there are different types of them. What you think of as the hollywood demon-possessing thing is the first, the giants or the donkeys. The ugly monster-like things. The demon I came across was like the second, something beautiful and majestic, represented as a horse.

The smaller giant was afraid of the second one, and the second felt a bitter hatred for his smaller "cousin".

The dream I'd had as a kid was about the last two, the "elephants" and the "horses". And all the different giants aimed to kill each other.

What I saw in the alien's eyes was the elephant, a behemoth, a gigan.

I was just able to turn around and warn my friends, but it did no good.

And I woke up.

 

[Kol]

By the time I got back from Saudi...I received an Honorable Discharge from the reserves and a medal for my time overseas...

When I came back from Tabuk, I had forgotten about this dream completely. I paid little attention to dreams about aliens or angels, because that belonged to my old nature, not the new one. I no longer believed in "aliens". For one thing, the bhm had said they weren't real. I had thought it all out, talked with my CATM buddy about it, and decided they were all demons, fooling mankind for their own purposes, to eventually create a false paradise on earth. Aliens weren't real. They were an illusion.

I'd not had any sort of "supernatural experience" in several years, not since the bhm came to me shortly after the vision of our Lord. If that was an OBE, it had been the last one. I hadn't seen aliens since I was 14 or so. Instead of New Age propoganda, I had studied my Bible:

He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.

I was also reasonably sure that I was an old celestial king, and having studied angelology, decided I was a 'dominion'.

The Dominions hold the task of regulating the duties of lower angels. It is only with extreme rarity that the angelic lords make themselves physically known to mortals. Instead, they quietly concern themselves with the details of existence. They are also the angels who preside over nations.

...they are physically characterized from other groups as wielding orbs of light fastened to the heads of their sceptres or on the pommel of their swords.

The last thing I remember is the crest hung on the back wall. It was a shield, and over the shield a sword and a scepter were crossed, like an X.

I began to have dreams about a very beautiful woman with blonde hair who would come to see me...

All the classes were about the end of the world...

Something very evil was coming...

In other dreams, I was looking for a glowing orb like from one of my games, and the beautiful girl was trying to help me find it. This was something I'd had a long time ago but lost, and was determined to get back.

The glowing orb I'd been looking for with the beautiful girl was my kingship in the old heaven and my place as a Dominion. This is also the last thing I thought about before I was born, the scepter...my old rule. My last thought in heaven, the entire reason of my return to God, and the theme of my dreams since I was nine years old.

Well...maybe. It's gotta be someone, I guess. But what I didn't realize at the time was that *those days*, at least for now, were over. I was not an insanely powerful spirit of heaven.

As I would soon find out. But at the time, I thought I was fit for anything.