- Jan 24, 2007
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Yet another extremely embarrasing thing to admit...i'm sure I'll rest comfortably tonight, knowing that my deepest darkest secrets are all safely on the internet. But whatever. To Christ be the glory! So listen up, and see what he has saved me from.
...
My late dreams had all been centered on my past spiritual life, but they took a break now to gravitate towards sex and video games.
I began to dream about having orgies, sex parties in some type of emerald-colored shower room. There were men there, and women, and everyone would have sex with everyone else. I was the host of these parties, and I would go around, making sure everyone was entertained and taken care of. Some of it was domination, and the women would dress up to suit the part. A great deal of it was experimenting, trying anything and everything, to see what would bring everyone the most pleasure. There was no hesitation for the men to have sex with the other men, and for the women to violate the men in this way either. Some of the men would dress themselves as women, IIRC, and some others liked to play the parts of the women. It would be someone's turn, and a dozen other people would swarm all over them like demons, to dig themselves into lust and ecstacy, and see how strong they could make someone's [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. And I would join in, and have sex with anyone and everyone, and see how far I could push someone and see how far I myself could be pushed.
...
My spirit guide's eyes looked absolutely dead to me, and seeing this filled me with pure glee. I tried my best to mirror him, both in my dreams and in real life. I began to stare people down just to do so, just to feel myself exert that force over them. It occured to me again how tall he was, and how absolutely evil and wicked his presence seemed. The darkness that seemed to surround this man was so strong. It was immediately intoxicating, just to think about, to be in his presence.
I had a dream one night that he and I were fighting together.
There was a magnificent castle, miles wide and as far as a human eye could see. A ditch, a drop that continued down into the earth into blackness, was set like a moat all around the place, and it boggled the mind to imagine how that moat had been made.
There was a bridge made of heavy stone that spanned from the castle's entrance to the fields outside, and the area surrounding the castle was an absolute paradise, and grass covered the ground until it ran into the forests. The stones which made the bridge were several times bigger than a man, and the smallest ones were each at least 6 feet in size.
The castle's lord and his son were rallying themselves and all the people inside to fight us, because we were coming to kill them. We were against them, because we were against the things they did. All the kings and lords of the world were like gods, and this one was no different. But I did not accept this. There was one god, and He was evil, and creation was dying, and it deserved to do so because He had forsaken it for His elite.
Monsters that looked like men and others that looked like dogs came out to fight us.
We stood on the bridge, just at the point where it met the outside grass. Several people from inside the castle were fleeing, and I let them because I was not a wicked lord. The defending lord was furious, and I could feel this, and his spirit watched me and my own watched his, as his own guard deserted him and he knew he would have to fight me himself, this little child-god that I was.
The man who was my spirit guide stood to my right, with myself in the middle and my wife on my left. I did not have a son-I refused those things-but the three of us were more than enough for the lord's son, and I knew that we could slaughter him.
More abominations came out at us, things that should never have been, and I saw the man on my right wave his arms together, and a sense of something horribly wrong surrounded us all, and fire came out of nowhere, about 10 feet or so in front of him, and burned the things in front of us. The man, my "spirit guide" was very tall, and I noticed as I dreamed this that he had a beard here, a thin black beard that covered his face. He wore regular clothes, all black, and a small cloak, and he carried his own sword but seldom had to use it.
My wife was on my left, the beautiful woman, and she fought alongside us, killing and slicing and fighting alongside us. And I loved her, and I protected her, and together the three of us waited for the castle's lord to reveal himself so that we could destroy everything he had built.
...
There was a certain peacefulness to being so wrapped up in these things, I thought, and to have this secret world and see all these things. Nobody could ever know what I had seen or done. Certainly nobody would ever believe me if I told them. I was so far beyond them, so far outside them all, and I had been chosen because I was special, and I was going to learn all the things they didn't even have the intelligence to appreciate. I had become something beyond their understanding. I could feel all these things, just the force of them, the strength from them all, and that was the draw and power of what I was doing.
But what I didn't have the wisdom to understand was that the reason these things felt so good was that I couldn't feel anything on the inside anymore. I appreciated them because they filled me, they made me experience the things that I wanted, as if they allowed me to see or feel the glory of God or of His power in some way. I didn't want to have to go through that entrance, to live my life and be patient and die and work for what I wanted, because I thought I deserved them all now. And so I set out to take them on my own, because I was able. And lo and behold, I had found them. But they weren't real. They were fleeting, just vapors, like an empty mist. The reason I was so after these truths, this type of power, was that I had lost that within myself. I turned to the occult (what I was doing was far beyond 'the occult' though,) because it tended to grant you contact with things which held their own power. But that power is a lie, an illusion. It is empty, and finite, and anyone who espouses those things will always want more and more, because they never fill you or give you life. They only ease the pain, and you die just the same as if they never were. You lose who you are, all the life that you have, and all your own will, until you find yourself chasing after things that no longer give you an answer.
And that is the power of the occult and of the darkness. To blind you with secrets, and to rob you of your own life and will. It cannot be used, it cannot be dabbled in. If ever a human being has seen secrets and gazed upon things that man is not to know, I have. And I wish now that I never had. Those secrets are not true, because they are a reflection of a reality that cannot be understood outside of Christ Jesus, outside of the Word of God. You will always learn much quicker with Christ than outside of him, because the things outside are corrupted versions of the truth within him. He is the Word of God, and that Word is not just a human being named 'Jesus'. IT is a spiritual truth, and "he" is a gateway, to a reality beyond what can otherwise be known. To make things easy, God has made him like a man, like one of us. But he is so far beyond a mere man, that nothing you can imagine could ever express him.
But that darkness can't understand any of this.
The secrets and the true nature of things, the glory and the power of God, can only be expressed in Christ Jesus. He is a gateway to a realm beyond reality. Anything less is selling yourself short. I should have gone for the true power, for the glory beyond anything and everything that can be called glory, but I was unable to grasp it.
"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." - John 1:5
To ever come to power or might or glory or beauty, you have to first be able to understand it. Whether light or dark, love or hate, life or death, all have their beauty and all have their power, but not a single one can be understood outside of the Living Word. To come to truth you must learn to transcend reality, and that transcension comes about in Christ Jesus, the Son of the Living God.
...
...
My late dreams had all been centered on my past spiritual life, but they took a break now to gravitate towards sex and video games.
I began to dream about having orgies, sex parties in some type of emerald-colored shower room. There were men there, and women, and everyone would have sex with everyone else. I was the host of these parties, and I would go around, making sure everyone was entertained and taken care of. Some of it was domination, and the women would dress up to suit the part. A great deal of it was experimenting, trying anything and everything, to see what would bring everyone the most pleasure. There was no hesitation for the men to have sex with the other men, and for the women to violate the men in this way either. Some of the men would dress themselves as women, IIRC, and some others liked to play the parts of the women. It would be someone's turn, and a dozen other people would swarm all over them like demons, to dig themselves into lust and ecstacy, and see how strong they could make someone's [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. And I would join in, and have sex with anyone and everyone, and see how far I could push someone and see how far I myself could be pushed.
...
My spirit guide's eyes looked absolutely dead to me, and seeing this filled me with pure glee. I tried my best to mirror him, both in my dreams and in real life. I began to stare people down just to do so, just to feel myself exert that force over them. It occured to me again how tall he was, and how absolutely evil and wicked his presence seemed. The darkness that seemed to surround this man was so strong. It was immediately intoxicating, just to think about, to be in his presence.
I had a dream one night that he and I were fighting together.
There was a magnificent castle, miles wide and as far as a human eye could see. A ditch, a drop that continued down into the earth into blackness, was set like a moat all around the place, and it boggled the mind to imagine how that moat had been made.
There was a bridge made of heavy stone that spanned from the castle's entrance to the fields outside, and the area surrounding the castle was an absolute paradise, and grass covered the ground until it ran into the forests. The stones which made the bridge were several times bigger than a man, and the smallest ones were each at least 6 feet in size.
The castle's lord and his son were rallying themselves and all the people inside to fight us, because we were coming to kill them. We were against them, because we were against the things they did. All the kings and lords of the world were like gods, and this one was no different. But I did not accept this. There was one god, and He was evil, and creation was dying, and it deserved to do so because He had forsaken it for His elite.
Monsters that looked like men and others that looked like dogs came out to fight us.
We stood on the bridge, just at the point where it met the outside grass. Several people from inside the castle were fleeing, and I let them because I was not a wicked lord. The defending lord was furious, and I could feel this, and his spirit watched me and my own watched his, as his own guard deserted him and he knew he would have to fight me himself, this little child-god that I was.
The man who was my spirit guide stood to my right, with myself in the middle and my wife on my left. I did not have a son-I refused those things-but the three of us were more than enough for the lord's son, and I knew that we could slaughter him.
More abominations came out at us, things that should never have been, and I saw the man on my right wave his arms together, and a sense of something horribly wrong surrounded us all, and fire came out of nowhere, about 10 feet or so in front of him, and burned the things in front of us. The man, my "spirit guide" was very tall, and I noticed as I dreamed this that he had a beard here, a thin black beard that covered his face. He wore regular clothes, all black, and a small cloak, and he carried his own sword but seldom had to use it.
My wife was on my left, the beautiful woman, and she fought alongside us, killing and slicing and fighting alongside us. And I loved her, and I protected her, and together the three of us waited for the castle's lord to reveal himself so that we could destroy everything he had built.
...
There was a certain peacefulness to being so wrapped up in these things, I thought, and to have this secret world and see all these things. Nobody could ever know what I had seen or done. Certainly nobody would ever believe me if I told them. I was so far beyond them, so far outside them all, and I had been chosen because I was special, and I was going to learn all the things they didn't even have the intelligence to appreciate. I had become something beyond their understanding. I could feel all these things, just the force of them, the strength from them all, and that was the draw and power of what I was doing.
But what I didn't have the wisdom to understand was that the reason these things felt so good was that I couldn't feel anything on the inside anymore. I appreciated them because they filled me, they made me experience the things that I wanted, as if they allowed me to see or feel the glory of God or of His power in some way. I didn't want to have to go through that entrance, to live my life and be patient and die and work for what I wanted, because I thought I deserved them all now. And so I set out to take them on my own, because I was able. And lo and behold, I had found them. But they weren't real. They were fleeting, just vapors, like an empty mist. The reason I was so after these truths, this type of power, was that I had lost that within myself. I turned to the occult (what I was doing was far beyond 'the occult' though,) because it tended to grant you contact with things which held their own power. But that power is a lie, an illusion. It is empty, and finite, and anyone who espouses those things will always want more and more, because they never fill you or give you life. They only ease the pain, and you die just the same as if they never were. You lose who you are, all the life that you have, and all your own will, until you find yourself chasing after things that no longer give you an answer.
And that is the power of the occult and of the darkness. To blind you with secrets, and to rob you of your own life and will. It cannot be used, it cannot be dabbled in. If ever a human being has seen secrets and gazed upon things that man is not to know, I have. And I wish now that I never had. Those secrets are not true, because they are a reflection of a reality that cannot be understood outside of Christ Jesus, outside of the Word of God. You will always learn much quicker with Christ than outside of him, because the things outside are corrupted versions of the truth within him. He is the Word of God, and that Word is not just a human being named 'Jesus'. IT is a spiritual truth, and "he" is a gateway, to a reality beyond what can otherwise be known. To make things easy, God has made him like a man, like one of us. But he is so far beyond a mere man, that nothing you can imagine could ever express him.
But that darkness can't understand any of this.
The secrets and the true nature of things, the glory and the power of God, can only be expressed in Christ Jesus. He is a gateway to a realm beyond reality. Anything less is selling yourself short. I should have gone for the true power, for the glory beyond anything and everything that can be called glory, but I was unable to grasp it.
"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." - John 1:5
To ever come to power or might or glory or beauty, you have to first be able to understand it. Whether light or dark, love or hate, life or death, all have their beauty and all have their power, but not a single one can be understood outside of the Living Word. To come to truth you must learn to transcend reality, and that transcension comes about in Christ Jesus, the Son of the Living God.
...
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