Just some things...

[Kol]

My friend Dan and everyone else I knew kept trying to set me up with girls, because as far as they knew, I never dated. I was at least smart enough to keep my mouth shut when I needed to. When Thanksgiving came around that year, my supervisor asked if I had anywhere to go; him and a few of the other people in the shop were going to cook a turkey themselves and wanted to know if I would join in. I turned them down (big surprise that was), and gave the excuse that I had a sister in Bishop I was going to go see instead. Another of my friends tried to set me up with a cheerleader from nearby Boron. I think I went out on a few dates, but I never showed any interest-I wasn't insterested-and it died at that.

Meanwhile Sandra had a birthday and although it should have been important, she still had nothing and no one. I drove up that weekend on the 395 and nearly got in a wreck driving on the wrong side of the road. (I passed a car on this long stretch of a road and somehow forgot it was a 2-way). She wanted to watch some movie, which I can't even remember the name of. I tried my best to make it very clear I was uninterested, just to hurt her feelings because she seemed so excited about it. I think sometimes I pushed her just to see how far she would bend over backwards for me.

Towards the end of our "relationship" I became completely sadistic with her and that girl is now just one more person who, if I ever met her again, I couldn't look in the eye.

As I became wrapped up in my "spirituality", I cared less and less about her and eventually broke up with her, telling her that I had other things I needed to focus on in my life.

No kidding, you ignorant swine.

But as opposed to turning back to God, I continued with my guardian angel and tarot.

I taught myself how to "scrye", looking into different things like fire or smoke, to see shapes and relate them to the spiritual world. It was just as bad as tarot, but much easier for me to do. I covered my room in candles, but since incense was contraband (it covers up the smell of marijuana smoke), I bought matches and would set the sticks on fire, then cover them with candle wax in a bowl to make them smoke.

So I began to truly immerse myself into my occult practices, just like many people do these days, thinking that it would allow me to see God and the spiritual world. The problem with this thinking (as i would later find out) is that there is only one set of curtains to God Almighty. No other. I looked to the occult to see all the big secrets. But the biggest secret is not revealed by candles or matches.

And soon after, I began to have dreams of my guardian angel coming to me...

 

[Kol]

I remember the very first night I dreamed of my guardian angel. Legend of Mana had just been released on the PS1, and I remember playing it, then falling asleep listening to an old Type O Negative cd.

"How great is the darkness..!"

I began to dream, that I was living in my game and that something was wrong with the way it was going. I remember running around for a while, but I couldn't make sense of anything happening. The next part of the dream I remember was hearing (as if I were awake), this man's voice. It was somewhat deep, and mostly smooth. Very calm and self-assured. He sounded knowledgeable.

I believe I "met" him in that dream, but that is all I remember. Soon after though, I began to wake up in the mornings with memories of having gone places with him.

...

 

[Kol]

Back when I had begun to study the occult and buy my first tarot deck, I had also gone to the Shepherd's Chapel in Arkansas to be baptised by Arnold Murray. The church is one of those who takes offense to "Easter" and instead celebrates what they still call Passover. So around the 14th or so, I was baptised at the Radison Inn in Branson Missouri, since that was where the church held it. I remember afterwards driving back to Arkansas to watch Murray record his daily show. I shook his hand as offered, and (being a 'sensitive'), tried to project my aura to him as I did so.

To my vast surprised, the Holy Spirit seemed to answer back.

It felt like something golden, and engulfing, and unbelievably pure and strong. It felt just like a fire, and I decided very quickly it was not something I liked very much. It disgusted me. I made up my mind that it had not been God's Spirit but Murray's own that I'd experienced, and that I would of course, serve God in my own way.

As I watched the daily show be broadcast live and recorded, I could feel a spirit of absolute discipline fall over the room. Very powerful feeling.

So I had been baptised, and wanted once again to find God, but I was still wanting to do it on my own. I understood the purpose of baptism, and of what it meant, and I truly wanted to accept Christ as the Savior. But somehow I hadnt fully done that yet.

...

 

[K9Guardian]

Encourage me to what?

Two things come to mind:

The second quoote in my signature.

A dirge in a book I read that goes like this...

Life is a dream -- that knows no shade.
Life is a dream -- of pain and woe.
A dream from which -- we pray to wake.
A dream from which -- we wake and go.

Who would sleep -- when the new dawn waits?
Who would sleep -- when the sweet winds blow?
All dreams must end -- when the new day comes.
This dream from which -- we wake and go.

 

[Kol]

Of all the places I visited with my guardian angel, I remember one the most.

It was some type of science lab, and much like the walls in the futuristic castle of mine, the walls were made of some type of white plastic. There were people working in the lab, and each morning they had to bypass a security system to gain entrance. They would go by a computer pad, type in their codes, and then they could go in.

The doors were all automatic, and there were entire rooms made of white plastic walls. There were huge automatic machines much taller than a man, and the rooms inside were so cold, the worker's breaths would come out as a fog.

This was taking place in real life, in 1999, and my guardian angel..my spirit guide as I preferred to call him, was sneaking me in so that I could see things in which I was not involved. When I would go to sleep at night, he was taking me out of my body, and bringing me along with him to see all these different places. Typing this right now, and thinking back to it, it gives me the sensation of wanting to vomit.

We floated about four feet off the ground, him with his legs crossed, myself standing but moving forward. (Even now this is bizarre to think about in the "real world", but it happened...) The workers would walk right past us and most times never feel or notice a thing. Sometimes one or two would turn around, because they'd felt a presence but not seen anyone nearby. I remember floating past the workers coming in, to a kind of warehouse or main bay, where storage racks reached up several stories to the ceiling far above. There were sortation machines for the items made in the lab, and huge forklifts in addition to the smaller ones running around on the floor.

My spirit guide was an impressive sight. He looked completely human, but his skin was an ashen white. He wore mostly black, mixed with either dark blues or maybe purple, and his hair was long and black, and if everything I'd ever seen or heard about a vampire could be summed up in one physical description, he was it. It was hard to tell how tall he was, because he was always "sitting" when he floated, but of the few times I remember him standing, I would guess him to be slightly over 6 feet tall. He was thin but muscular, and exuded force and just...power. Control and dominance.

He would take me to different places in the science lab, and for a while we would just watch the workers, whether on the machines, or in the rooms with the chemicals, or whereever else. Some rooms we couldn't go to, because there were other spirits there who would stop us. There was a set of stairs leading up from the "engine room" for example, and although we could watch the people there, we could never go up the stairs for fear of being caught.

One of the things my spirit guide taught me to do was to possess people.

...

I remember there was a small room, like a meeting area or break room. A man with black hair and a casual business shirt was taking a television on a stand and placing it so that the assembled workers could watch. I didn't understand so much what was going on, but I remember very clearly watching it all. There were glass doors and a glass wall on my left, hallways in front and behind me, and a door leading to a worker's park on my right. The man with the television was talking about the video everyone had to watch, and workers were told to sit in metal chairs and listen.

This is making me absolutely sick right now.

My spirit guide picked someone (I dont know who) and floated down to pass into that person's body. I picked someone on my own. Since I've always been a small guy, I chose a big man sitting in the back so that I could know what it felt like to be a big tall tough guy.

It was about like passing through unset jello. As if it offers a bit of resistance at first but then gives way. It was like a wall of smoke or soap, like a bubble. And as you passed through, you began to feel influenced by the person's mind and thoughts. You still kept all you own thoughts but you kept them quiet, because you didn't want to be discovered. You had to be still and just ride along.

His mind seemed more open but less focused than my own. As if his attention were on more things at once. It felt..idk, just different to have these big arms and all this weight. And I could feel his breathing, and feel his body moving as he did so, and I could tell that he was unaware of it. He was in the mindset of wanting something sarcastic to say, but kind of waiting for the right moment to do so. He thought the video was stupid and that the man (who he thought of as something like a supervisor) was a bit on the slow side himself. The video was something like sexual harassment, and the man kind of grinned, but decided to keep his mouth shut. I could feel all these things as he did them, and I could look out my own eyes at the world, because I wasn't seated so far in, but still feel what he was thinking and doing. All without being noticed.

And this is just one thing we did as we roamed around together...

 

[K9Guardian]

he Spirit, pure and strong and golden.... Yes, I remember it very well.

HOW the heck could it have repulsed you? I don't comprreehend that at all. I have never felt more aklive than when that was filling me. I miss it.

You needed a makeover.

 

[K9Guardian]

Hey, if I tick you off, it doesn't matter. Stay outta my head.

You're starting to make me uneasy I'm going to carry around a big spiritual stick.

Why can't we have big spiritual German shepherds too? Keep sneaking freak losers out of my head.

Not sure I want to keep reading, but I'll stick with ya.

Anyway, I don't know whether or not to believe you. It sounds loony. And it IS making me uneasy. I don't like things that make me uneasy. I started out kind of liking you, David, but for all I know you could be a crazy writing out delusions, or a guy s screwed over by drugs, or a schizophreniac. And on the chance you're for real, and not just some bloody flaming idiot., this could be important. If not one, then the other. Either way, at this point you seem a bloody dangerous man.

Sorry...

 

[Kol]

Yes, that was the Holy Spirit, and yes, it made me sick. I don't know how else to explain it other than to say it was something so much unlike what I was that I was sick at its presence within my spirit.

If you really are uneasy, then it's probably better if you stop reading right now. No kidding. This is not a bedtime story. Things only get worse, especially when everything is explained. And just to let you know, I never did figure all this out on my own. I never reached an answer that satisified me...someone on *this* site knew exactly what I was talking about (although he had never experienced any of it before for himself), and he gave me the answer. We will say for now that he studied these things. And that answer freaks me out, though I believe it to be true, so I can only guess what it would do to someone else.

I will post those PMs when it's time to.

I've never done drugs. Not so much as smoked marijuana. I smoked (as I've said) clove-filtered cigarettes. When I was a baby my mother would feed me vodka in a bottle to knock me out. Maybe that drove me crazy and now I'm just warped. Think whatever you want to. I certainly don't blame you.

I'm most assuredly not delusional, and I've asked my psychologist friend Sara (who I've told all this to) if she thought I was psycho or schizo. She told me I actually seemed more well-adjusted than most normal people.

I don't know if any delusion could ever be this complex.

At the same time, if you *didn't* think all this sounded loony, I would be worried about you.

The only other thing I can say is that if anyone had been into the occult, or had attempted OBEs and actually succeeded, they would know full well what I'm talking about as far as these bizarre episodes go. This is why you don't discuss shop business outside of shop. It defies logic because these events are not part of this normal world. If you're really interested, go to Wikipedia and read up on everything or else do research for yourself on the web.

And again, the end explanation came from someone who had never been into new age or the occult or any of this. I told him *all* of this in PMs and, being a Christian his whole life, and being very well informed on certain things, he offered me his suggestion. It explained the bhm's comments ("you were there") and the "spirit guide" (who is not a spirit guide at all, let alone a guardian angel), all the way to the psychic stuff and even the bizarre sex stories. He was off just a bit. And the answer he did give completely blew my mind, which (considering I lived through all these things without blinking an eye) is saying a lot. I will also not hesitate to say that it made me very afraid of myself at first (horrified? terrified?), at least, until the rest of it all came back to me and I became comfortable with who I am as a person and as a child of God. So I warn you that I would see a very good possibility of it doing the same for any other human being. But don't worry. I have my own life to live, and most certainly my own things to do, and you never have to meet me, even the next world, if you really don't want to.

If, 5 years from now, one person comes across all this and it makes sense to him, my purpose in writing it all has been accomplished. If I'm loony as you say, then I hope at least I've been entertaining, though I can't say its been a comfortable ride. God only grant me it's better than that lame piece of work called Interview with the Vampire. I could take Lestat's sorry goth rear any day of the week. If I'm right though, (which I can only assure you, I am) then...you're right. What I'm saying is very dangerous. But what's so dangerous isn't my beliefs or my take on things, but...my biography and the fact that I'm here right now.

And btw, I'm thinking of changing my avatar back to Fou-Lu from Breath of Fire IV. Suits me better, I think...

 

[K9Guardian]

then it probably is important. I'll stick it out as long as I can.

Blood and freakin' ashes, let's hope we don't meet, cause right now I feel right on the edge of kicking your butt. Nothing personal, and I still kinda like you. But my wolf's senses are kicking in, you know, the ones that can only see a threat?

I hope you understand. you''ve shown me you can handle it when I ttell you exactly what I think of you. Nice, considering most people can't.

 

[Kol]

This occult stuff does get pretty weird. To say I floated into another human being's body and cohabited them is a *little* outside the norm.

At that point in my life I had given myself to anything and everything that could connect me to the spiritual world, and I thought I could use the things not of God to reach God. I believed in Jesus for the remission of sins but didn't understand at all the part about him being the one gateway to God.

And things just continued to get worse and worse.

"Spirit guide" is a term used by the Western tradition of Spiritualist Churches, mediums, and psychics to describe an entity that remains a disincarnate spirit in order to act as a spiritual counselor or protector to a living incarnated human being...

...spirit guides would be persons who have lived many former lifetimes, have paid their karmic debts, and have advanced beyond a need to reincarnate. Many psychics believe that spirit guides are chosen on "the other side" by us and God before we incarnate, and that they guide us to follow our life's plan because we want them to.

...

What this entity accomplished was far outside the norm for a "spirit guide".

I would fall asleep at night, and my dreams would be interupted by this man coming into them. The dreams wouldn't stop as they did whenever the bhm showed up. But they would change, as if to announce his entry, and I would dream of different people to represent him. And the strangest thing was that he had a voice. I would know that I was asleep, and know that what I was seeing and feeling wasn't part of the awake world. But that voice somehow was. And it was a guide wire to me, to find my way in between the three worlds: the physical world where I was in the Air Force as a mechanic, the spiritual world where I was lost and trying to reconnect with God, and the dream world, where I would see things I didn't understand.

My friends at work laughed at me and asked if I was still a virgin. One of the sergeants tried to get me to talk about one of the women we worked with, but I wouldn't. I explained I didn't like to drink because my mother was an alcoholic, and most of the people seemed to buy this. I talked about the Bible all the time at work and considered myself a Christian so after a while most of my coworkers assumed I was "saving myself for marriage".

I told my friend Dan the story of what had happened at Keesler and lied, telling him I had slept with Heather because I didn't want to tell anyone about Sandra.

"If you've already lost your virginity, what's the point?" he asked me, confused. We were hanging outside of my room, looking out over the parking lot. I considered myself Christian but "didn't follow things so strictly" (<insert random 'God is love' line here>). The other guys kept trying to get me to hang out, to join them, to go drinking or out after work, to talk and open up and just relax. But I was so consumed with my secret worlds that I had no interest in anything in this world. They were in the mentality that I just needed to get drunk, get laid, and otherwise relax. And they were probably right, maybe not in the method but certainly the end result. But I was unable. I was lost in my own world, my retreat where I could not be hurt anymore.

There were three people taking a tour of the lab, and I went with my spirit guide to watch through others' eyes.

There was a place in the lab separated by a roll-up door, and inside of that door was the innermost part of the lab, where security was the tightest. All the workers were covered in pure white clothing. They wore masks, and had to pass through some kind of air chamber, and inside of an ice-cold room made entirely of white walls, they did things on different machines and produced some sort of thing.

My guide picked a body and descended. I looked between the other two and floated downward.

There was a woman in a white lab coat, and she was introducing herself. A short man with a very friendly smile was explaining everything to the two guests. I had mistakenly believed him to be a visitor, but instead he was escort. I was riding inside of his body.

A man on a forklift came by and stopped, and said something to either the woman or to my cohabit. He was balding, with a long ponytail, and made me think of Hugh the Hand from a book I'd read. We followed the woman and I took the time to look all around. Everywhere there were people in lab coats. Outside the room was a glass hallway. A black man with a mop was cleaning the pure white tile. I could feel the man I was with get cold and shiver, and could feel his skin tighten up to keep him warm. I was more aware of his body than he was.

One of my civilian coworkers was a fisherman, and asked me one weekend if I wanted to go out on a charter boat with the rest of the shift. I went but never fished. As we were heading back, the others sat in the cabin and talked about NBA playoffs. Someone asked if I watched basketball. They couldn't possibly have had any idea of how far away from it all I was.

A lot of times my spirit guide would come to me looking like a vampire from whatever movie, book, or game I'd been on lately. Once I dreamed he was Gerald Tarrant from Black Sun Rising.

"You've changed who you look like again," I remember saying.

I can still hear that dark, slow, calm voice of his, saying "it suits me well.." His voice was like hearing death, because it was so utterly calm and confident. As if there were no worries after you were already dead. You could imagine that in life he had been tense and uptight and fighting to stay alive, and that now he had been killed and was dead, and that nothing mattered anymore because it had all passed away, and he had come to this secret understanding, and there was nothing left to do but embrace that darkness and float on inside of it. Just...that voice, I can still remember. So well.

And there were a lot of other things we did and places we went to, but the "science lab" would remain the most important.

 

[Kol]

The character Gerald Tarrant from CS Freidman's Black Sun Rising:

http://www.sfzin.cz/galerie/Bovien's%20Realm/postavy_Tarrant's%20Realm%20(Black%20Sun%20Rising).jpg

It's hard sometimes for myself to believe this was all real and not just something I dreamed up. You just read it in a book. You can write well, it's a writer's imagination. It's all from a video game. You're just a fantasy-prone individual.

From Season 3 of the X-Files:

Mulder (reading Rocky's abduction account): Before I knew it, I was aboard the 'hovervessel' and heading not into outer space, but to innerspace, towards the earth's...molten core...for that is the domain of the third alien, whose name, he soon told me, was 'Lord Kinboat'.

Scully: Mulder, he's nuts, and you're nuts for believing him!

Mulder: Look Scully, I'm not saying he isn't delusional, I'm merely suggesting that his delusional state was brought about by something he actually witnessed...

Godbless agent Mulder.

.....

The bhm came to visit me one night.

..I could feel a very strong presence and strong impressions: something very holy, very authoritative, something that defends, something that is next to you and personally yours, something that is your personal stock, something that is true, something that upholds or defends (again with the 'defend' thought), something that is the way it should be. It's so hard to put it into words...

I had a handheld recorder, and had begun to make notes of my dreams and experiences whenever I could remember them.

Alright, this is the 13th of June, 1999...I'm...I was laying here sleeping, letting some music play and all, and all of a sudden, I, I had a dream that had that man in it, and it kind of hit me...and...I'm not goin' to say too much about what I think it means, but...right now I'm just going to uh, to talk about the dream so that I won't forget it and if I do forget it, then I'll remember it when I listen to this tape...

Whatever he was, I was definitely not.

"You are not making the choices you want to make in life, David."

I told him I would make whatever choices I had to, and that 'the darkness' had to be embraced to make my way to the light. (This sounds completely nutty here and now, but a lot of people in that way of life think the exact same way.) I told him I was sorry I couldn't be some sacred errand boy like him, and that as opposed to floating around in the sky, I had to fight just to stay alive on earth. A lot of hate I had back then.

"You're going to cause yourself a lot of pain and misery, and it doesn't have to be like this. You still have a choice. A lot of people don't anymore."

He seemed to be talking about people I knew.

"Let me tell you a story about someone..." he said, as always.

It was nighttime, and it was raining and thundering, and the ground was shaking. I was gazing out a window...

I began to have dreams about a very beautiful woman with blonde hair who would come to see me...we were always in a classroom, and a blonde-haired man was teaching us things. All the classes were about the end of the world... Something very evil was coming and because I had inside knowledge, I was being taught to help. In other dreams, I was looking for a glowing orb like from one of my games, and the beautiful girl was trying to help me find it. This was something I'd had a long time ago but lost, and was determined to get back.

And it's *embarrasing* to get so personal, but it's really part of the story, so...13 was the first time I ever masturbated...but as soon as I started, I remembered having sex before. Which made no sense. But I remembered it plainly... My subconcious was sending me all kinds of information..memories. But none of them made any sense... The only one that made any sense was an image of a beautiful, blonde-haired woman. She was small, not fully grown, but a little older than I was. She was afraid, and it was raining, and we were beneath some trees. She was extremely cute and just..unbelievable. And I remembered entering her body, the literal feel of it, and I remembered it raining, and I remembered her being afraid and not really knowing what was going on. And none of this made any sense to me.


And the very first time I had sex with her, I had yet another strange, bizarre 'memory'...the experience seemed to awaken different parts of my mind, and one of those parts was saying that something was different for me. ...I realized it was because I was circumcised. I didn't think I should have any reason to miss or even think about what I'd never really had, but somehow I could 'remember' sex without being cut, and even with a condom and all, tell the difference. And I had no idea how or why I should be able to tell this, let alone right away.

...


The last dream that I remember having around this time was that I was in a castle...I didn't know what a castle was yet, so I thought the dream was about a cellar. The only cellar I knew was the one beneath my granddaddy's patio, so I figured the dream must be about that place.

...everyone had turned the cellar into a fort, because monsters were coming and it was the end of the world. The monsters looked like dogs, but they were all black and mean. There was a woman, and a man, and a lot of other people, and they were all my friends. I remember walking around and talking to a bunch of people and going flying sometimes to see if anyone was coming after us. In the dream, something was wrong with my voice. It felt like I had rocks in my throat. The woman had blonde hair, and I was in love with her...

...

For some reason I'd originally thought of the place as a castle, but I could see now that it was panelled with pure white, plastic-like walls. Everything seemed hightech, and from this I concluded it must relate to my would-be life as an OSI agent. Originally I had connected these dreams to pre-existence, but I realized then that the two castles were different; what was more, the people in the second castle weren't celestials-they were all human. Both memories took place on earth (I'm shaking as I'm writing this!), but the second one didn't have the same people involved as the first. So despite what I had previously thought, they weren't connected.

So I realized then that the "them" the bhm kept referring to was the people in this second, human castle, and that my bad choices in life were leading me to being in that situation, as this unhappy OSI agent.


...

...I had already lived once before...

...I figured she must have been my wife in a past life. That was the only explanation I could give...

The monsters are all gone and no more are coming, ever again. The windows are recessed into the walls, something like stained glass windows, but..not like anything else I've ever seen. I am sad, because I know what's going to happen. I've been told, warned. But there is nothing I can do, and it only makes me sadder, because we had been fighting so hard, and for a moment it all seemed to be right again. But not anymore. Never again.

My advisor, one of my best friends, is standing next to me, and I tell him quietly to do what he has to do. He nods gravely and walks away. And so I turn away myself, because I don't want to see outside anymore, don't want to look at the world, don't want to see what is happening any more.

I turn to my right and walk towards a staircase leading up to the next floor. The beautiful golden-haired woman is walking down to me, and I can see that she's aware of what's happening. She knows that something isn't right, although she doesn't know what. And she knows that she's about to be taken away from me. She tries to not be afraid, but it's so hard... A normal person would not be able to do it anymore, wouldn't be able to deal with (aliens) and the monsters and the fighting and the war. But none of them are normal people anymore. They haven't been, not since any of this started, centuries ago.

I tell her to go up to the room, and I'm afraid to tell her goodbye, both for myself and for her.

I couldn't have handled it, because I love her too much.

...this is my wife, and God Himself has decided it to be so.

The dream/vision ended, and the bhm seemed to think. "That is your wife. She's been taken away from you for a while, but God is keeping her safe for you. He will give her back to you." He seemed hesitant, almost uncomfortable. "It's best if you don't try to replace her, at least not right away..."

...

In the morning, I tried my best to sort it all out.

There was indeed a woman already picked out for me and being held by God, protected for me. Because of the things I had done (Keesler?) she had been taken away, but I would be given her back.

This is apparently what I was "remembering", my dreams. It wasn't that I had already experienced these things in real life, or that I had lived before; really, I had known from my pre-existence memories that I had never before been incarnated.

I had dreamed since I was 9 years old that "aliens" were coming to start a war, and apparently this vision from the bhm was telling me how it all would end: with us losing. I would become a captain and have an advisor, and would fall in love with this incredibly beautiful woman. I figured the "monsters" must be some kind of genetic engineering gone wrong, and that the future would be like Nostradamus had predicted, chaotic and senseless. There were still a lot of choices I had to make, and I wasn't convinced that following the bhm so blindly would change things for the better. But these things would happen, and if I wasn't careful, I would mess them all up again.

This is what I decided, because it was the only thing that made sense. But some of the pieces still didn't fit, no matter how hard I tried to hammer them in place.

 

[K9Guardian]

::grunt::

Mulder is blessed with the curse of knowing he may be ignorant to impossible possibilities.

 

[K9Guardian]

David, do you mind if I take a few little things from thiis to use in writing?

 

[Kol]

Actually I..kind of take offense to the thought of this becoming some type of fantasy novel, Mtdog. If you want to tell stories, okay, but please wait around for the rest of it so you can understand it all. Represent it, but understand it first. This isn't some 'neat' story. It's my life (as bizarre as that may be) and a lot of it's very emotional. I know you didn't mean for me to get so touchy about it, and I'm sorry, but I am. At the same time, I'm flattered by your interest in this, and I want to say thank you for listening.

Besides, this has already been written about. I'm just telling the real version of it.

Just curious, does anyone have any thoughts on what may be going on here?

...

The bhm argued vehemently for me to believe in Christ Jesus, to come to him and bow down and leave all my own ways behind.

Again, after my early infanthood, the bhm never showed up in an OBE. My meetings with him were all done in my dreams. I dreamed it all, nothing more, then. The dream was always the same, though: a bland, gray mist surrounded us both, and we stood and argued about Jesus.

He told me again and again: I would get myself into the same trouble as I had before, and it would only lead me back to them.

"You are going to have this same problem again." You was emphatic, and plural. As in, you, this group, this very same group.

I asked him one time if he'd ever thought about how nice it would be to sin. He shook his head as if it didn't even deserve an answer.

"You're bringing nothing but sorrow on yourself again."

I told him God was the only one that brought sorrow. "He promises people freedom but punishes them for using it. If I'm really free then why are you here right now?" i asked.

He shook his head as if the situation were unfolding in a very bad way and he was being forced to watch.

...

Since I now made notes of all my dreams, I began to think a lot about the bhm and everything he told me. It did little more than make me mad. Angels were given everything short of godhood. Glorious beings too beautiful and powerful to be described, the chosen of God Almighty. And what about God, anyway? All His might and majesty, and who did He give it to? His loyalists, the angels. A tyrant in power, that's all God was to me. Mankind, on the other hand, what did we get? Love. Angels controlled the cosmos and knew the secrets of creation. I was told to love my neighbor. It infuriated me, because I actually cared about God's glory. But I was to be appeased with something to make me feel good. No real truth or power. It was refused me. I was stuck crawling around in the rotten earth, working until I died just to keep myself fed and clothed.

I began to hate love then, and from that point on, did everything I could to kill it inside of me.

It didn't take long. The last thing I remember feeling anything about was my sister Amanda. I thought to myself that she had been such a beautiful, innocent celestial, and that because God was so corrupt towards all his children, she was going to be hurt and destroyed in this world. And He had used me to lead her here. I remember laying down one night, and crying for well over an hour for her until I ran out of tears, and there was nothing left to cry.

And that was it, and it was over, and from that point on I'd succeeded in killing my emotions.

...

As this was happening, while I was still building up my rage against God, my disgust with Him, I began to have dreams of heaven and of my supposed memories.

I was in the far reaches of the cosmos, and I had just been created, and the Lord was beside me, and He was my Great and Wonderful Father, and He loved me. I seemed to have a body, but it was different somehow, and I was flying, floating through a cloud, a mist of dust and light. But each single bit of that mist meant something, and I understood it and was in awe of it. I thought about what I was seeing..I tried to understand the mechanics, almost the mathematics behind it. And I realized then for the first time, that what I was seeing, as perfect as it was, was...incomplete in a way. It was perfectly formed, perfectly made, designed and cast without flaw. But it expressed something more than it itself was able to. It was a formula for a reality, for a truth, for...something, far beyond what it would ever be able to express. That stardust held a secret. It shined with it, announcing it, proclaiming it. But what it proclaimed could never be, because what it represented was above being.

I was in complete and utter awe. My mind swooned. My ability to grasp the situation completely failed me, because it was so far beyond..what was, that i could not imagine it. I was in reality, and reality had been made in the highest form possible. I was an immortal, godlike being, magnificent and majestic with the ability to do and master whatever I wanted. And I was engulfed, covered over completely, by what I saw before me.

I spoke to my Great Father then, in complete awe and reverence:

"This is what You are??!" It was so far beyond me.

He seemed to smile, not a physical or celestial form but a Spirit beside me. "This is what I am like," in both agreement and correction.

At other times, I saw myself as a celestial father, and I was a mist myself, and all my children were coming home to stay with me. I could feel myself in their hearts, because I was in their hearts, and I loved them all, and they loved me. And it made me so happy to think about them, and to feel their emotions and to share life with them. I was so insignificant really..all I wanted was to lay down, and become this nothingness, this cloud, because it was a way of giving myself for them, of being with them without putting myself in their way. And I could feel their hearts and all I wanted was to make those hearts shine with glory and joy. I wanted them to blind each other with their happiness and cheer.

...and all these things came into my mind back then, when I was just some mechanic for the Air Force in California.

 

[Chocolatesa]

It is indescribeable to have 50, 60 people all marching at your command.

This just reminded me of how you were saying in that dream that you were the leader of the group heading out to battle, something like the last battle... Maybe God put you in the army for a specific reason.

Haven't read the rest yet, reading now.

 

[Chocolatesa]

There was a film over my physical eyes, and not over them but over the remains of what had been Adam's spiritual side. This film had begun to dissolve, as if acid had been poured into the center of them, and looking through them, everything looked completely different. It made me feel different, and it was a trap because everything seen through those eyes was a false image with no real basis but the fallen nature.

There was a trap laid by what I was about to do. As soon as I passed inside of this girl's body, there was a spiritual poison designed to infect me, not to start carnality but to inject me with more than enough to overwhelm me with it.

Satan was real because I remembered he was real, and I remembered as well where I was. I was on earth, and the earth was Satan's mausoleum, where dead bodies were put away in order. There was no other purpose to the earth. I remembered that the gods came here to die because everyone was dying and that creation was over with. You were covered with illusion, lain down to sleep, afterwards died, and were given a false life, a fake dream, to ease you into your real, permanent death.

I had dreamed all about Heather before, when I was 14. A man with blond hair had come to me in my dreams and told me where God was leading me, and that I would be tested to see if I would give in to immorality like everyone else.

There was a presence near me, not with me or even around me, but close by. As if there was a wall past the world, past the air, and that on the other side of that wall there was a man. He was evil and very strong in some way, and I had known him a long, long time ago, and he had kept himself alive and around by doing very evil things.

This sounds like a very realistic description of satan's work on earth.

I really appreciate this story because it helps me to realize the spiritual reality of things and keep that in mind. Every time I read this it gets me to thinking about the spiritual side of things vs. the physical side, how we live our lives, etc.

Still reading...

 

[Kol]

A coworker named Bill, a retired man who worked now as a civilian, asked me once what I did for recreation, for fun.

"You seem to lead a pretty holy life," he said. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, you don't sleep around. Have you ever thought about becoming a Catholic priest?" he asked me.

I was quiet, and reserved, and when everyone else had something to say, I never did. I looked like a kid still, and a very innocent and naive one at that. I kept to myself, didn't join in with the parties and the revelry, and it really seemed to others that I was leading a good life. But of course, nothing could have been further from the truth. Appearances can be deceiving.

Once my emotions were gone, once I had killed them off, I found myself talking and socializing a little more at work. Before I had been angry, but now I just didn't care. It was liberating in a way, because I didn't have to worry about anything, anymore. I didn't laugh, I seldom talked, and spent most of my free time with my music, my games, or reading my Bible.

I thought a lot about my childhood and decided my mother had ruined everything for me. All my true problems were psychological ones, and she had caused them. Just like God Himself, I thought, a poisoned father who had poisoned His son. I thought an awful lot about my sister Amanda, and about the world held in store for her. Injustice, all of it.

I continued to develop myself in "seeing" things, but gave up the tarot cards because i already knew all the secrets to my life's path. I read all I could on angels and demons, on vampires and witches, and anything else otherwise dead. I kept trying to push my mind to open itself up to the other world, and to do this, I began to not eat whenever I could stand it. This had the eventual effect of making me sleepy, which opened my subconcious up to my sight. I lost weight, and became as thin as I ever had been.

I developed an appreciation for anything dead or dying, and being in the military, I signed up for the Honor Guard, the soldiers who bury veterans and give the 21 gun salute at funerals. I volunteered a great deal of my time, and eventually won an award for all the hours I had served. I loved doing the "death march" to the hearse, of taking the casket and showing it to its fate. As the last echo of the rifle thundered away, the widow at my first funeral let out a heart-wrenching sob, and the bugler began to play Taps. Awe and respect filled me, and I found I had even then, a deep appreciation for those who had served but passed on.

I nearly passed out once, and was sent to the hospital on base, where I was found to be severly dehydrated and underweight. The doctors kept me for 6 hours, trying to find what was 'wrong' with me. They gave me lab work and x-rays and eventually told me to go home and eat as much as I could.

I continued to leave at nights with my spirit guide, and found that we had become best friends to each other. As I became more knowledgeable in spiritual things, he began to lead less and simply follow.

The science lab was being shut down.

I floated in a small room, longer than it was wide, where cubicles were set up and party banners were taped to the ceiling.

"It's being shut down," one worker said. The man beside him began to talk.

"Watch this," I remember saying to my spirit guide. I descended, and entered the body of the first man talking.

"Watch this," he echoed what I had said, as I very subtly tried to influence him. You could give them thoughts if you were careful, and they would never notice it. I had given him an idea, which he didn't understand himself, but since he felt like doing it, he did.

The second man asked my host what he was doing.

"I'll be back," I had him say. He followed my guide, and took three pennies out of his pocket, then taped them inside of his cleaned-out cubicle where no one would find them. The second man looked at him in question. The two thought they might come back one day, that the lab would reopen, and they would all have their jobs back. The host wondered if this was why he felt like doing this. But it wasn't really a conversation between those two at all. This was something I was saying to my spirit guide. I was showing off.

My coworkers laughed and joke with me, and comfortably made jokes about me, because they had no idea of how creepy and evil a person I had become.

Appearances are deceiving, and what is seen isn't necessarily what is real.

 

[K9Guardian]

I figured you might take offense. That's why I asked.

Sorry to pluck your nerves. But this does excite my writer's mind. I do understand this is a personal matter, and I''ll respect that.

You tried to make it all worrk yourself. I have a good idea what's going on now, but at the moment my mind is blanked out, I need to go washh caramel pudding off my hands, and I'm being distracted by God (at least I'm suddenly thinking of Him a lt more).

Keep going.

 

[Kol]

This just reminded me of how you were saying in that dream that you were the leader of the group heading out to battle, something like the last battle... Maybe God put you in the army for a specific reason.

Haven't read the rest yet, reading now.

Yeah, I think so too. My life here very obviously mirrors my life before, at least what parts I remember.

 

[K9Guardian]

Yeah, I think so too. My life here very obviously mirrors my life before, at least what parts I remember.

That seemed so obvious to me I didn't think about it.