Just registered on here, quick question?

[tolstoy]

I was looking around for Christian chat rooms/forums and was really pleased to find this one, offering self-harm support. I guess I should introduce myself- I'm a 20 year old college junior, on the fast track to law school, straight A's, I take all the difficult courses plus do journalism on the side, (writing for the college newspaper,) and pretend as though everything is okay all the time and my life is perfect.

But it's not. Because for about three years, from 14 to 17, I self-harmed, and this past summer I went further and seriously thought about and planned killing myself. Were it not for my dog and the kindness of a co-worker, I wouldn't be here typing this. After that happened in August, I sought counseling through my college, which has actually been really helpful, but I relapsed into self-harm. The last time was nearly two weeks ago- during the fall, it was every few days.

I am trying very hard to get better; although my family doesn't know about this time (they found out with my first go-around with this, and were not supportive at all and made me feel even more ashamed,) I have support from some friends and other people who have had similar experiences.

My question is something maybe many of you've struggled with; because of self-harm, do you ever feel guilty just being in church, even if no one there knows? I feel so dirty and sinful and as if God would never want someone like me, like to be in a house of God with all of these scars is something profane. Now, I understand that what I do, what I'm trying to stop, is wrong, but how can I stop thinking that I'm unwanted and unloved by God, and stop feeling guilty and unworthy in church to the point where going there can be a trigger for me?

I would talk to a pastor, but the staff at my church is largely male, and I'm not comfortable at all discussing issues like this in person with any man. Besides, I'm extremely shy and withdrawn, and have some trouble communicating face-to-face outside of classes and work as things are. Now, take those difficulties and extrapolate them onto such a sensitive conversation where I don't really know the person....yeah. That's why I'm hoping someone here can possibly help me, because it's easier than having a conversation, and I communicate much better in writing than in any other medium.

Thanks for listening,
gretch

 

[QstningNonblvr]

Back when I considered myself a Christian and I actually went to church regularly was when I first started harming. There were a lot of things going on in my life that just pushed me over the edge. None of it was particularly faith-based, but I remember my intense guilt over my situation and the self-harming threw me into a pit of despair (for lack of a better descriptor). It was almost painful to sit in church, and I was in the choir as well (Methodist) so standing in front of the congregation, I felt like everyone's eyes were on me, not just God's, and like they all knew what I had done. I started questioning if I even belonged there and how could God love me when all I did was hurt myself and (if they were to ever find out) the people around me. I felt like it would be a complete disaster if anyone ever discovered it, but it actually wasn't.

My situation was a little different in the sense that there were plenty of women in my church to talk to, and that definitely makes it easier. I never went to anyone on my own, but the youth group leader saw some fresh-ish cuts one day and knew almost instantly what it was. The important thing that she helped me to remember was that everyone on this Earth sins and that God is always listening. Even if praying wasn't like a face-to-face conversation, I could still rest assured that someone that loved me was listening and prayer, at the time, really helped me work with my self injury and curb it a little bit. I didn't stop, but the guilt lessened once I got it into my head that my problems and my actions really weren't that different than any transgressions that anyone else might have. I hated the scars then and I still hate them. I don't just feel guilty in places of worship, but I feel guilty whenever someone looks at me for a moment too long. It's a sensation that is really hard to get over.

What you are doing right now is a huge first step. I found that the more I talked about it with people, the easier it was to talk about it with people. The more I came out of my shell, the more I realized that there was a huge support group out there. It's a difficult thing because the guilt of being in the church can be extremely triggering, but then the actions from that triggering just cause more guilt. For me, the more that I worked with other people and the more that I prayed and focused on stopping my self harm, the easier it was to be present in the church. Every day that I went without cutting was a step in the right direction and it shaved off a little more guilt because I could rejoice in the success of beating an addiction.

If there isn't a trusted member of your own church that you can reach out to, try other venues. I always scoffed at any sort of therapy until recently, but when I had a major (and dangerous) relapse, I sought out a counselor and started talking to her. Because of her psych degree, she wasn't the type of therapist that prescribes pills and throws you out the door. She actually had conversations. She considered my faith (no longer Christian at this point, but falling away from the church occurred for reasons other than my self harm) and considered all of the different stresses and triggers that were causing the self harming behavior. If counselors aren't for you, try contacting other religious leaders in your area that you can talk to. For me, communication was key and as long as I found the right person to talk to, I was able to work through these things.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me any time through any of the contact information I have listed in my profile. I understand that it is a hard thing to get over, and I know that the guilt is one of the worst parts of all of it. I am sending much love for these hard times.

 

[If Not For Grace]

If we Believe in God as a Good spirit, we must also believe in an evil or bad spirit.
Each wants us. If you study (you got to be smart with that GPA) you will find
God's character is not one of condemation. God is Love. God wants you to know there is no good place for Guilt. The Bill has been paid.

It may take practice, but if you have to use self-talk, to convince yourself God Loves YOU, (Not just everybody else) do so. You are the image of God & His Child and HE is a good Father. (The example for all others to go by). Even if you are the
prodigal child-all you have to do is go home, God Welcomes YOU. We have all sinned and no one is better than you are. You sin is no worse than anyone elses. Forgive yourself, God has already offered you forgiveness, just take it!