Just One Step

[LLC3GUYS]

I am unsure of the reasons that have led me to put this into writing. I know that no one can help and I know that some hearts will break for their compassion. I wish no harm. So I am writing this to my Father, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, -- my best friends. I used to think that not being loved was the greatest hurt of all. That no one even cared, and that my life could mean so little that not even one could love me. You showed me that it was I who had destroyed my life, by the very act of simply searching. I always tried to wait for You to bring her, and I always would meet someone who said they would never hurt me or leave me. I wanted what You had shown me so desperately, that the "simple truth" of their saying, "I love you", was enough. I'm so sorry for not following what You told me. Their's were not the words of "truth", simple or otherwise. At each one, I was left with nothing but the destruction and wasteland of a heart broken to the core. At each one, not only was I not faithful to You, but my need became more desperate. Each left less of me. Each taught me more of the meaning of brokenness. I did came to know the truth of Your faithfulness. When I was broken, so broken that there was nothing left, You still found me. When there wasn't even the spark of a life, You still knew where I was. You remade the spark with the care only a Father can know. You stayed with me when no others cared enough to see that I had gone. Though I was less than small, You would not let me go. You have taught me faithfulness and Love by letting me bear more than I was due, without ever losing sight of me, or Love for me, or coming to get me. Then, I thought that "loneliness" was the worst hurt of all. You revealed to me that "being alone" and "loneliness" were not the same. That is why most cannot help. Not because they are unable, but because they do not know the difference. "Being alone", You told me, was solved simply by being around other people, -- "loneliness was not. "Loneliness" is solved by being understood. You also explained to me that, situations and circumstances are not the measure of heartache and devastation . They are measured by what the situations and circumstances mean to that person. It is why two can go through the same thing and one could brush it off like so much dust, while the other was broken to dust. You said the one with the most strength was the one who broke and, still, stood. That strength of spirit is found yielding to brokenness, not hardening myself against it. My life is held together by the scars of the effects of my choices and the battles that have raged so long and so hard since, because I no longer run after illusions. The other side didn't like losing the foothold they so easily maintained in my life, and have made it known. Long ago, You held me up to get ready to endure another day of battle, when, even though You carried me from waking to sleeping, my spirit could not go on. And, You said that, it was enough, and that it was no longer my fight. Since that day, I have seen You stand for me and protect me, in everything, always. You've taught me the truth of "knowing" You, not just "believing in" You. We've always talked, since the moment I met You. You've always listened to me, talked to me, laughed at me (which I really do love, as You well know), You taught me, held me, and showed me Your Heart. I, then, thought the greatest hurt was the hurt I'd brought to You for running so long, and so hard, from what You wanted me to do. You know I tried, with everything I am, and it wasn't enough. I knew that the one constant factor, besides You, in Your will and annointing for me, -- was me. I knew I would always get in the way of what was yours. And, since other people's hearts were involved, I couldn't trust myself to not get in the way between Your Heart and theirs, or their hearts and Yours. I took You from one edge of this country to the other, a few times, always under the guise of something other then the truth. I ran with the same urgency with which I held onto Your hand. I ran physically, in my heart, and spirit, whatever worked. But, always looking to make sure You were still there. You always were. You would always try to work it into a conversation, and I got pretty good at changing the subject. And, You always let me. It's when You would start to open the doors of opportunity around me that, as You know, I took off, -- regardless of cost. I restarted my "life" many times. And, after many years, there came a night when I could no longer run and You brought it up, one more time. When You asked me if I could, at least, be trusted to take one step,--just, one step in anything You would ever ask of me, I thought I would die from the shame. You knew I couldn't lie, what would be the use. So, i had to look and see if I could. I found enough voice to say that You know that I'm not faithful and I cannot be trusted with the hearts of others, for I'll still get in the way. In some way I'll mess it up. But, yes, I could be trusted to give You "one" step. I was suddenly aware of the true reason I'd run for all of these years. I didn't want to hear it put into words, that I'd failed You. I could not bear the thought of seeing the pain of the words, in Your eyes. You then told me what You'd been trying to say, all those years, "That's all I've ever expected". My shock caused time to cease for a few seconds, which I'm sure You thought was kind of funny. You went on to say, "I am more than able to prove Myself and do My own will. I don't need you, or anyone else, to help Me. I Love you and I want to share what is Mine with you. "All" the steps are Mine, the first one is the one I chose to share, -- with you." You told me many things that night, and all the nights since. Thank you for Loving me and never leaving me. We have gone through much since then. Far more than in the time before. A few years ago you let me know that I was, once again, ready. But, now, you said, "wait". I was a little befuddled but have held true Your will, and timing. Almost four years ago, You took complete control over everything in my life, and it's really OK because it's just another way of seeing You in my life. It's also comforting that You won't allow me the leeway in goofing up Your will for my life, or others, anymore. But, through this time, I've come to understand what the deepest pain truly is, -- to not be used. If I didn't have the knowledge that, someday, You would use me, -- I could not bear it. You've allowed me to know the "breaking of spirit" that was beyond me, beyond my existance, so I could know You better. You're anguish, for me, was infinitely beyond that. You know that I can never make up for any pain I've caused You, and, I know You expect none. All I ask, is that You, please, use me. Let me, once, stand for You, -- with all of my heart. You've chosen the time, and You've chosen how. Please, help me to weather the time with Your touch, because each day presses harder into the ache that's already there. I have caused this time, and this pain of waiting, I know. But, please help me to stand. I'm so tired, my spirit is tired, or, maybe just worn down. I'll still stand, still take the first step and follow while You take the rest. I guess i'm telling You what You already know, aren't I. So, I'll just leave it in Your hands. I love You, and I thank You. Yours always, Lee.

 

[labellady]

for you!

 

[Mela'h]

" Wholeness is brokeness owned and thereby healed.".....Praying for your healing LLc3.

 

[hysterman]

i will also lift up prayers for you.

 

[devoted daughter]

Joining in prayer for you. May the Lord be with you and continue to guide you; may your faith and spirit be restored, and may you feel uplifted and have peace. INJC

 

[Cat59]

Joining in prayer for you. May the Lord be with you and continue to guide you; may your faith and spirit be restored, and may you feel uplifted and have peace. INJC

Amen!

 

[akasmom]

thank You Abba for peace & rest for my brother, Your son.
in Jesus Name

 

[GaelSong]

I pray for peace and joy to be yours through Christ
Amen

 

[JPPT1974]

Praying you will lean on the Lord for guidance and support as well as doing the right thing. God bless!! Amen!!