Just not sure

[winnyred]

Hello, I am very new to this forum but unfortunately not new to what is being talked about on here. Gosh, I am in my 40s and just now opening a very old wound, I should say a family member is doing this for me. My story is a tough one. I have been very mentally abused. My mom has been the instigator but very sneaky one. If anyone were to meet her you would think she is well put together. Maintains perfect hair and makeup. Clothing is nice and wears perfume. She is a master at looking together. I have been tossed from stepfather to stepfather over the years via her many marriages. All have been very bad men. They have either tried to harm me physically or mentally. She traded them off sometimes due to saying that it was for her children and sometimes just because of the things they would do to her. I have dealt with this manner and thought that I could just move on. Well, I have done this. Dealt with her on a basis that I forgave and moved past it. However, when mothers day came and I took her to lunch and thought we had a great lunch. She called me on my way home and just went crazy telling me things that should not be said to a daughter. Just ripping me apart. I do not get it. We had a good lunch. The worst thing happened when she brought the most recent stepfather into the picture. This one she has been married to for the last 14 years. She brought up some very, gosh, very disturbing things to me that he has done in the bedroom. This is just making me sick. Why would that be appropriate to do to me and say to me. Especially on a day that was going good. That is such the confusing part for me. I am lost. All my childhood anger has risen. She has brought me back down to being small and when one stepfather exposed himself to me. She knew he did that. I am just so angry. Lost. She has done nothing but call me every other hour to talk, acting normal with me. She has never called so much. What is wrong with her. She is actually being nice and I am lost. I am angry, sad, sick to think she wants a relationship with me after this and now wondering why or how I can have one with her. She wants to see my children telling me how much they need her in their life. She is bad. I do not know how to deal with the images in my head about what she stated about the stepfather, how awful to have to live with this and how awful for her to think this is okay. I need help because I am sinking fast. I cannot tell anyone in my family about what she said about him it is too bad. How would anyone deal with this, how do what do I do. I just don't know.

 

[Spunkn]

I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

Abuse is such a damaging thing. Going from stepfather to stepfather would be rough as well. It creates instability, and completely changes your life every time a new one comes into it. It gives you the impression that men will never stick around. They're only here for a time.

Perhaps your mother has no one else to talk to. I don't know. People often realize things on other people, when they can't find a way to deal with it themselves.

She seems like a confused person, who doesn't know how to deal with her own issues, so she reaches out to you, not knowing that she might be causing damage to you as well. It's not healthy, but she does not realize that. She doesn't want to deal with reality.

Have you considered seeking out some counseling? You've been through a lot of abuse. It might help.

 

[joey_downunder]

Gosh, I am in my 40s and just now opening a very old wound, I should say a family member is doing this for me. My story is a tough one. I have been very mentally abused. My mom has been the instigator but very sneaky one.

I am also a survivor of a very difficult mother. If you Google daughters of abusive mothers, looking for results mentioning narcissism/covert abuse especially, children of abusive mothers consistently say what you type. The mother is often devious, calculating and deceiving about her abuse. Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

If anyone were to meet her you would think she is well put together. Maintains perfect hair and makeup. Clothing is nice and wears perfume. She is a master at looking together.

Mine uses the "I am super-caring, professional counsellor" mask instead. (She is a social worker). Knows the lingo, acts the act, talks the talk to *outsiders*.

However, when mothers day came and I took her to lunch and thought we had a great lunch. She called me on my way home and just went crazy telling me things that should not be said to a daughter. Just ripping me apart. I do not get it.

I do. She kept the mask on in public. She has done what is completely inappropriate and she knows that. If not she would have said what she said to you in *public*. She got close enough to you to (mentally) disarm you then went in for the kill like any predator in the wild would do for its prey. My mother always did the same to me and my sisters, when we were by ourselves as well.

I know that looks harsh - people often want to give difficult people the benefit of the doubt. We have been told so many times things like "for someone to do or say that, they must have been abused/ severe self-esteem issues/ mentally ill.... [so let them get away with it....again....]"

We had a good lunch. The worst thing happened when she brought the most recent stepfather into the picture.....

Did she often tell you this type of personal information while you were growing up? That is covert emotional incest. (not necessarily sexual in content, just adult only appropriate conversation).

I am lost. All my childhood anger has risen.

I understand. Every time I have tried to forgive my mother, let bygones be bygones she has done what your mother has done. It makes all the memories come back.

What is wrong with her. She is actually being nice and I am lost. I am angry, sad, sick to think she wants a relationship with me after this and now wondering why or how I can have one with her.

Stop that right now. *finger wagging* This might be unusual wording for a Christian forum, but this metaphor describes her exactly. She is a *vampire*. Of course she is being nice, how else will she get what she really wants?

She wants to see my children telling me how much they need her in their life.

Too bad. What comes first - your/your children's safety or your mother's personal happiness? YOURS of course. You are in severe spiritual and emotional danger while you continue to have any contact with her.

She is bad. I do not know how to deal with the images in my head about what she stated about the stepfather, how awful to have to live with this and how awful for her to think this is okay.

OK, this is a joint prayer!!!

Lord I ask you to sterilize these images in her mind. You know they are not hers, they are not her responsiblity, they belong only to those involved in that situation. Please only leave the outline of the story behind, to ensure that she remembers why she needs to keep her distance from her mother. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Isaiah 49:5“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

I need help because I am sinking fast. I cannot tell anyone in my family about what she said about him it is too bad. How would anyone deal with this, how do what do I do. I just don't know.

At this point in time *until you are strong enough* I think you should seriously consider cutting all contact with her completely.

God knows that your anger at your mother is righteous anger. Some people are dangerous. Sadly for both of us that means our own mother. I know how hard it is to talk to outsiders about abusive mothers; it feels like one of society's last taboos.

Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families

 

[winnyred]

Well, joey_downunder, I really want to thank you. This may seem funny but on May 16th I had a great deal of pressure gone within myself. I say within myself because I no longer harbored anger toward me. Its very funny because I was actually able to deal and cope with things in a very graceful way. I came to this forum in the evening on that day and could not believe this was posted by you within the same time frame that this awesome power took over. I believe god took over. I am writing this with such ease of every word that is being typed. Looking at my above post is just so sad. I am all over the place with anger. I will never be able to change who my mother is and what she has done. There is no way to express to you my gratitude towards taking the time to pray for me and my situation, you did not have to do that, but you did. I know that this is not over with my mother but can say that I am okay with me. I thank you so much for all your words and how well you got the situation and how prayer was requested and very much received, I thank you.

 

[fdsfndls]

I'm glad you got such great help. One of society's last taboo's sounds about right to me too.
Mothers are almost angelicised and it's ridiculous, they can be as lethal as men.
Hope you're feeling better. God told me to cut off all contact with mine permanently. Guys usually abandon, women however want to hang on to you. The mind games can be so horrible and deep rooted that it can take years to recover from. Forgiving my mother has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

 

[Jb9]

Think about forgiveness. Of course I'm saying this smoothly cuz I haven't been in your shoes to be frank. But keep thinking about forgiving them. You stepfathers and your mother. When I get into fights with my mom, I just rage about it all in my mind for like 15mins. Then my anger dies down. Yea I've got real short anger duration. But I just remember that without your mom, you wouldn't be here. Though what she did, switching husbands that made you uncomfortable, she did it for you. Yea she probably had selfish intentions doing it but she probably also made the decision thinking about you. She fed you. So just think of that constantly.