Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I'm not really looking for any advice, but prayers are always appreciated. I'm posting because I don't know how to deal with my feelings. To say I'm depressed is a serious understatement. If pressed, I would have to say that I don't think I am suicidal, but living can be so hard that sometimes I think about it. That is a hard thing to admit to myself, but I am pretty sure it is true. That is not to say that I don't have a lot of reasons to live, because I really do. But I am so tired of hurting.
I found my way to Christ about a year and a half ago. I had struggled with an anger problem for what felt like all my life. Those close to me would agree. I tried to turn away from that, and for the most part I have been successful. I have the occasional setback, but I don't hang onto, or look for offense like I did in the past. As part of my recovery from that and a pornography addiction, I started attending Celebrate Recovery, and that has been a real blessing. I never miss a meeting, and I am also part of the ministry team now. It has helped me a lot with my day to day issues, but I carry some pretty deep scars that I just can't talk about there. I know it is supposed to be anonymous, but there are some things that are just too sensitive, and the likelihood of another person being wounded is just too great. I will explain a little more as I go.
My wife and I have been married a long time. I'll leave it at that, to maintain a little anonymity. The last 20 years have been pretty rocky. I know that I am to blame for a lot of that. The last year and a half have been the best of our marriage, since we have both drawn to God, and to each other, and have been really deliberate about trying to build a biblical marriage. We have both come a long way, individually, and as a couple. Somehow, people think our marriage is good enough that they come to me for advice, and to be honest, it really is that good. 2 years ago, I was probably wishing it would just end.
20 years ago, things were not so good. It is fair to say that things were pretty bad, and at one really low point, when it looked like we were not going to make it together, my wife learned she was pregnant, and not only withheld that information, but had an abortion. Thru happenstance, I learned of it. Somehow, we got thru that, and our marriage limped along for the next 20 years. I tucked the abortion away in the back of my mind, and almost never thought of it. That is just as well I suppose, because if I had, I would not have forgiven. I didn't even begin to know how. Now, I can forgive, but I just can't seem to forget. I carry a huge amount of guilt, grief and regret, and I can't seem to move beyond it. I can choke it down, and bury it when I need to, but the minute I am alone with my thoughts, it washes over me and carries me. Rather than diminishing with time, it only seems to get worse.
Now, my wife is gone for 2 weeks, visiting her family before the holidays, and work kept me home. I have 2 weeks of evenings alone with my thoughts, and that terrifies me. I have a trusted few people who know that I can reach out to, but not 24 hours a day. My best friend is a Lay Pastor and the ministry leader at CR, and he tries to reach me, but I shut down emotionally until I am alone. I don't know how not to.
I carry this alone, because it would hurt my wife to know how much I hurt. She might even see it as an accusation. So I keep it bottled inside, because the truth is that I'm not sure that she is ready to deal with it, and I don't want to hurt her. We have only spoken of it once, about a year ago, and she couldn't talk about it, so I dropped it, and I am waiting for her. I don't know how else to handle it.
I'm writing this, because I just need to get it out somewhere safe. I don't know if it will help but I hope so.
I found my way to Christ about a year and a half ago. I had struggled with an anger problem for what felt like all my life. Those close to me would agree. I tried to turn away from that, and for the most part I have been successful. I have the occasional setback, but I don't hang onto, or look for offense like I did in the past. As part of my recovery from that and a pornography addiction, I started attending Celebrate Recovery, and that has been a real blessing. I never miss a meeting, and I am also part of the ministry team now. It has helped me a lot with my day to day issues, but I carry some pretty deep scars that I just can't talk about there. I know it is supposed to be anonymous, but there are some things that are just too sensitive, and the likelihood of another person being wounded is just too great. I will explain a little more as I go.
My wife and I have been married a long time. I'll leave it at that, to maintain a little anonymity. The last 20 years have been pretty rocky. I know that I am to blame for a lot of that. The last year and a half have been the best of our marriage, since we have both drawn to God, and to each other, and have been really deliberate about trying to build a biblical marriage. We have both come a long way, individually, and as a couple. Somehow, people think our marriage is good enough that they come to me for advice, and to be honest, it really is that good. 2 years ago, I was probably wishing it would just end.
20 years ago, things were not so good. It is fair to say that things were pretty bad, and at one really low point, when it looked like we were not going to make it together, my wife learned she was pregnant, and not only withheld that information, but had an abortion. Thru happenstance, I learned of it. Somehow, we got thru that, and our marriage limped along for the next 20 years. I tucked the abortion away in the back of my mind, and almost never thought of it. That is just as well I suppose, because if I had, I would not have forgiven. I didn't even begin to know how. Now, I can forgive, but I just can't seem to forget. I carry a huge amount of guilt, grief and regret, and I can't seem to move beyond it. I can choke it down, and bury it when I need to, but the minute I am alone with my thoughts, it washes over me and carries me. Rather than diminishing with time, it only seems to get worse.
Now, my wife is gone for 2 weeks, visiting her family before the holidays, and work kept me home. I have 2 weeks of evenings alone with my thoughts, and that terrifies me. I have a trusted few people who know that I can reach out to, but not 24 hours a day. My best friend is a Lay Pastor and the ministry leader at CR, and he tries to reach me, but I shut down emotionally until I am alone. I don't know how not to.
I carry this alone, because it would hurt my wife to know how much I hurt. She might even see it as an accusation. So I keep it bottled inside, because the truth is that I'm not sure that she is ready to deal with it, and I don't want to hurt her. We have only spoken of it once, about a year ago, and she couldn't talk about it, so I dropped it, and I am waiting for her. I don't know how else to handle it.
I'm writing this, because I just need to get it out somewhere safe. I don't know if it will help but I hope so.
Last edited:
